Friday 20th August – Wednesday 25th August 2010
Friday night was Pat and Ailise's last drinking session in the Corkman, Small and Tall gave them a card with $300 worth of fake paper souvenir notes. They fell for it and said no, no we can't except that, then put it in their back pockets. Small one chatted to the owner Kieran most of the night, whilst Tall one was stuck with some Scottish fellow who thought he was Barmaid Norreens boyfriend. The Small and Tall chatted to two english guys living in the hostel, 2 of the five only and regular residents.
Next morning Tall one was ravaged inside from the White Rabbit Ale. Arrived early at the Corkman managers flat to move in only to find Pat and Ailise had not packed yet. Everyone felt a bit rough. They packed their van and headed off, Tall one did his clean and they met them for a 'quick' pint in the now reopened Drunken Poet. Tall one drank Tea whilst small succumbed to 10 Guinness and a lot of cheese toasties. Tall went home at 230pm but Small stayed drinking with Noreen and Colum.
Sunday and Monday Tall started his new hostel manager job, cleaning was a couple of hours but the books were all wrong. Five tenants only and there was only 2 key deposits in the tin, and no record of any of the five having paid, two tenants were also almost a week behind in rent. Stacey the buildings manager was not happy. Tall one chased up everyone asking who had paid key deposits. Also cleared out all the garbage in reception, and Ailise had left them a bag and asked if they'd mind taking it to a charity shop. It was so heavy and big however they struggled to drag it to the cleaning cupboard out the way let alone down into the city to a shop – it would be binned later.
Small one started in the kitchen working with Stacey, it went okay and they did more orders than with Pat. On the tuesday a new chef called Fiedel came in from Chile. He was used to fine dinnign and shocked and their methods. He also kept spouitng some racist stuff about the IRA training people how to use bombs in Chile, and when Small asked if his family got hurt in the big earthquake he said he couldn't care less... oh right.
Big problems with Kieran the owner all of a sudden, who now wants to put tall and small on the books not cash in hand, but reducing their wages even before tax. Tall was on $500 cash in hand a week plus room and 5 meals free. He is changing it to $480 before tax ($400 after each week). Stacey stepped in to say that was not fair and there was some to and frowing, and is coming back on Thursday to speak to Tall and Small in person and cannot see the problem. He keeps quoting the flat as a big value for each of them, when it is part of tall one;'s job to be on site and Small one was told he stayed there for free. So within a week Tall one was taking a pay cut, but him and small planned to argue it or leave on Thursday. It had brought a black cloud over their jobs.
The flat was nice however, though Tall one did walk into a low hanging light bulb and smash the glass shade and bulb all over the floor. They had managed to get some new bar staff as well, a quite quiet blonde Australian girl and this weir, bushy bearded, very skinny English fellow from North London. He wore his polo shirt buttoned to the top and greeted builders coming in for a pint by saying 'Good Afternoon Sir what can I get you?'. Tall one asked for one of his $5 staff drinks, he responded by saying '$5 please' and tall gave him a $5 note, and he gave him a $2 coin change?? Stacey sat watching bemused.
Tall one and Small one's days off did not coinside, as the pub is closed weekends, there is no one to cover Tall one on his days off, so they have to be tues and wednesday, and Small's on sat and sun when its shut. Tall went to a different cinema on Chapel Street running a double bill of old Orson Welles movies, The Third Man and Touch of Evil. It was a strange orange lit cinema with palm trees inside. The old woman at the ticket office had a big beehive haircut, big pointy glasses and when Tall one asked where the screen was she said go upstairs where there is popcorn, sweets, coffee and booze!. Oh right. Upstairs waiting to go in was a man sat on one of the lounge seats with a cat on his lap, Tall one wondered if he was taking that into the screen with him. He brought a coffee from the food stall run by a man with a painted brown face and took his seat in this weird raised balcony platform looking down on the screen, a strange place indeed. On his other day off he went to the Tim Burton Exhibtion, and in a dark room lit with fluorescent lights showing glow in the dark artwork he found all the dust on his jumper lit up like sequins, he shrieked at the sight of himself and walked straight out again. Meanwhile small one spent his days off sleeping.
Monday 16th – Thursday 19th August 2010
Tall one's last week at Data Entry, now on the mind numbing job of searching Hong Kong companies contact details and copying them into an endless spreadsheet. The agency had still not responded to his email saying he was leaving Wednesday and he wondered if he'd get paid. As he was leaving after the job he was hired for was done, though was leaving halfway through a new job BGL had given him. Finally the agency responded very briefly and said no problems, will process your half week time sheet asap Wednesday. He staggered out on his final day very bleary eyed and tired, it was an exhausting job, and told Small One thank fuck thats over. Though had enjoyed the free orange juices.
Small one had been trying to do more in the kitchen at Corkman as no real replacement had been found, and so Pat watched or helped Small instead, and he did very well. A new bar man came and tried out, loud and English proclaiming in the kitchen to Pat and Small how he'd had a scab on his finger for weeks, before even being introduced. Small one caught him pocketing some money from till though and Stacey said he'd gone we can't have someone like that here... though I'll have him back Thursday as we are short staffed.
The Bar Supervisor, the spanish looking Gay Irish lad Collum had burst into tears in the bar that his Australian boyfriend was not coming with him to Ireland and had got a job behind his back. On the thursday when Tall one had come in to spend the day following Ailisia to learn the new Hostel Manager Job Collum was due in to open up at 9am but did not turn up till after 11am, when he handed in his notice and left again. Tall one learned the check in process and how to clean a bathroom 'hostel style' and was kind of looking forward to starting on Saturday. All was done by 1130am but he would be on site if needed on working days, but could do whatever (in summer season would be more work though). But now Stacey in two weeks had lost her cook, hostel manager, two bar maids (Keira with the smelly feet left the week before and Noreen was leaving in a week) and now the bar supervisor. She was the only one left... She had had loads of time to find people but it had all come down to this point of everybody leaving, or hiring the wrong people who would not stay very long. It would be interesting to see how the building runs in the next few weeks with so many new people.... Of course tall and small would have the kitchen and hostel running at top efficiency. Tall one spending the day picking up everyone's pubes out the shower and small one not tasing the fish dishes he prepared.
Small one got Tony's new rego done. New number plates for Victoria State etc etc. The Vic Roads Department was grim as hell. First thing in the morning all the attendants were miserable and one shouted at a little girl to go back ot her car and get the form she needed! Small one approached the desk and when the man asked what colour the car was he said yellow and black. The grim attendant said what is the main colour? Small one said it's painted with stripes, its equal. The man dryly said, 'what is its primary colour, a zebra has a primary colour, what is a zebras primary colour!!??'. Small one trying his best to wind him up said 'oh its not a zebra its a tiger!'. Heads turned on both sides of the counter and the man said dryly ' I did not say it was a zebra, I asked what its primary colour was?'. Small one said they were both equal.... Finally they got there, and the new plates were given to him which said 'Victoria – the place to be!'. Small one told the attendant after meeting him, this was the place to be and walked out.
Wednesday night after tall one's last day at the office he went to the ACMI film festival in Federation Square. They were showing a season of french actor Alain Delon's movies. Two a night every wednesday for 4 weeks, and $23 got you into all eight movies. The first one, Purple Moon was very good, but the second 'The Swimming Pool' was very long and very boring, and set with four people round a pool.... Three people walked out during it. After spending the full day blearly looking at websites and spreadsheets and now four hours reading subtitles on a french double bill, Tall one fell asleep at 11pm about ten minutes before the end, and nosily woke up as the credits came on. He wasn't to bothered.
While in the Corkman small heard heard a tale about how this guys Irish friends had been traveling through the outback and run over a big kangaroo. They got out and it lay limp and still and they thought it would be funny tog et a photo of it. So stood it up between them and put a Kerri football team t-shirt on it and stood either side of its body. When the camera flash went off it woke up the kangaroo which was just stunned, and it kicked free and ran off into the bush. A week later the backpackers heard an irish man come into their hostel saying he had had the best tour of the outback when he saw a kangaroo running wild with a Kerri Football shirt on.... ??
Sunday 15th Aug 2010
Up painfully at 5am to get the tour bus to the snow fields at 6.30am. Went into McDonalds and it was still depressingly full of drunks and the sun was almost up. The guy behind the till was this rough faced Asian with this real cockney London accent, and when small one asked for just a cheap coffee from there' not the fancy coffee bar) he said 'do you want your coffee from here or one of the coffee bar ones?'. Small one said again, one from here, to which he replied, this machine is broken you have to get it from over there...
Caught the bus and a very large driver with a moustache named Peter (the driver not the moustache) welcomed us on. He made jokes the whole way about his weight, which produced uncertain responses. He went on and on about the hot chocolate at Mansfield where we got any equipment and said how he'd had too many of those obviously!!! We wondered if he did this everyday, and put himself down everyday with the same jokes? Half the bus was Asian and the other half loud, obnoxious Australians and English. They refused to take one guy as he was drunk.
The hot chocolate was actually quite good and we went on to Mt Buller, up some very windy twisty roads which only wound up one side of the mountain. Then we saw dirty snow, then lots of white snow.
There was a play area in the snow which tall and small watched and then took a bus to he main village. A ski lift to the top produced none of the great snowy mountain views expected, and only a wall of fog. It did snow however and there hands were bloody frozen within minutes. Dodging skiers and snow boards they ran to a hotel and were seated on half a table called number 7 next to the other half named number 8. Luckily it seemed to be the only table by the window and by a radiator.
The cashier stuffed up their order as she put all their food on number 8 sitting next to them, then put number 8's garlic bread on tall and smalls... at the end she gave them the bill and said I missed off two of your drinks but forget it as i'll get in trouble, they looked at the bill and saw they had got two free drinks, but were paying for the garlic bread they didn't have....
It was nice in the snow, and it snowed until it turned to rain. A small village was there, with a clock tower, and shops, supermarket, could not explore it much as it was so bloody cold and busy. There was supposedly garden knomes to spot as well, but they could barley see their own feet.
Left by 4.30pm and the driver put on an Aussie movie called Bran Nau Dei – which was a musical... hmm. Small one could not stop farting on the bus and the people behind kept commenting on the retched smell. Stopped and had another hot chocolate, which made 5 in total just for tall one after all the ones at the resort. They had also noticed the poor Canadian man in the front seat of the coach who sat literally with his fingers in his ears as the chirpy over friendly Asian girl went on and on and on about nothing. He then made a loud phone call to a man and said, 'SAY HELLO TO DICK FOR ME!'.
Back at the hostel and exhausted and not ready for another week of hell.
Saturday 14th August 2010
Tall one spent a few hours in the Corkman hostel with Ailisia learning the ropes, it seemed pretty obvious that the owner, Kieran was very tight with money. The hostel was nice enough, a small 24 bed dorm. Only advertosed online and only had 6 people in this time of year – there was not even a sign up outside as the landlord would charge Kieran extra... Its very homely, with bizarre key coloured doors and keys. A green key for a green door, blue for a blue door and a purple key for a red door?? Three little toilet/shower/sink rooms and a little reception with free internet.
Midday Small one treated Tall one to an expensive meal in The Quarter cafe the cobbled back street Degrave, by Elephant Backpackers. They were served first by this ridiculously clumsy turkish like waiter, who barged past people knocking them over. He muddled the order and could not understand english too good, then tried clearing our plates before we had even finished. A waitress took over from Liverpool with red hair. We asked her what desserts there were, she went and looked at the board and came back and said 'oh there are a shit load of desserts...' she realized she swore and apologized, but took down our details to pas son to a friend looking to buy a camper van. Stayed and had a milk shake, Mediterranean dip and bruscetta starter, lamb and a chicken main (which weren't too good) and a great sticky toffee pudding.
Afterwards went to see the newly returned New Kelly armour, walked down the unimpressive China Town and watched a very big, long Gay Maritial Rights protest march down Swanston Street followed by a very slow moving, pissed off tram driver. Shopping in BIG W to buy some clothes for the snow fields, and some havoc at the self checkouts where small one swiped a bar code found loose in the basket for something we didn't even have. The scales and computer knew it was the wrong item by the different weight and we had this skeptical assistant come and help us. On the way back to the hostel past a busker who was a very large, disabled, retarded man in a wheelchair singing unaccompanied songs into a mic with amp – it was bloody terrible.
That night Small went to the Corkman where he ran the kitchen on his own for a small function, and Tall one sat in the Backpackers gloomy tv room on the laptop next to some glum lad watching endless Stargate DVDs....
Monday 9th – Friday 13th August 2010
A typical week in Melbourne. Though there seemed to be more young people with terrible hair cuts – this half shaved half left 8 inches long look?? Tall one took two hours off work to have an interview with Stacey at the Corkman. She flew round the hostel with him and spoke so rapidly he could barley ask any questions. It all sounded like cash in hand, but free pub meal and room, mostly the admin work to be the hassle, and some cleaning to do. Every room she showed him was 'if this mess is here put it in the bin, if they put their own shampoo in the shower put it in the bin, if they don't pay rent put them out!....' Oh right. Saw the first ticket inspector on the tram as well, which was an underwhelming experience. There were three of them in a pincer like ambush, and they seem to lurk in the shadows of side street shops until the tram is ready to leave before jumping on and stinging people. Though on Tall one's tram everyone had a ticket, except a foreign lad who the inspector showed how to use the machine.
Small one was going well as the cook, though it sounded more and more like Pat was leaving and he was going to be the Head Chef replacement and not the kitchen hand role he had thought. Pat had made up a cook book for all the meals and wouldn't shut up about telling everyone about it who wasn't too interested. Tall and Small both stayed for Guinness after work a few nights in the week, which was still resulting in some nasty Guinness Poos the next day.
Tall one booked a day trip to Mt Buller snow fields for the coming Sunday, over the phone with some foreign lady who at first over charged him and gave him no booking number. He had to call back next day to find out if she got it all right. Walking round the city one evening he past the girl with the bad teeth who used to work at Yots in Sydney (the one not called Bridgette Seaman or Fran). She called out Michael, and they both stopped and stared at each other till she said to her friend, its not him and kept going. It took Tall one half an hour walking round Big W to work out who it was. At the office he had made it to Z in the address book and told them he had a new job the week after. She said she was about to ask if he could start a new crap data entry job, bizarrely looking up Chinese websites and finding out their email and phone numbers. Hes aid he could do it till Wednesday as he believed he had the hostel job and needed training. It was stll pretty vague if he had the job as even when he had the 'interview?' Stacey showed him around saying 'you have to do this, you have to do that...' not you would have to do this.... Tall one also told the job agency he was finishing next week, they have not emailed him since after emailing him every other day for the last three weeks. Sat with Stacey in the pub for a while one evening and she told this biotter bitter story about how when she and her partner Dennis went back to Ireland for two weeks, and had planned a few days with his parents, a few with hers and a few with friends, he spent over 10 days with just his ovber powering mother, and in the end she said goodbye i'm going on without you, while he stayed with his mother and never saw his friends... She was very bitter about it.
On a week Saturday Ailisia and Pat will leave the Corkman and Tall one will become Hostel Manager and Small one a kind of head Chef – they claim they are still looking even though they were given 2 months notice and only put an ad in the paper this week... They'll also get the free room above the pub so Small will not need to walk endlessly up and down Elizabeth Street and Tall one will not be sitting on the stuffed Tram 5 days a week.
Sunday 8th August 2010
Woke up at first quite early to the sound of hideous snoring form the next room, like a tractor or an elephant. It went on for hours. The toilet was covered with orange vomit like most weekends, and Tall and Small both had trouble back there after all that spicey food. Small one slept in till 11am, then they went for a walk up the river front through a big crowd of protesting Vietnamese. Down to the docklands and after a photo with a Dame Edna statue went into the Amazing Bodies exhibiton. They said no photos, but Tall one snuck a couple of blurry ones of the skinned animals (they had been expecting skinned humans). It was still good, but small for the money. A horse had been skinned, cut in two and each half turned to hold the other up, looking like a horse and its partner. There was also a pig cut open so you could see its piglets inside, a skinned dog snarling, and a skinned monkey from a hung. There was also human embryos in little water filled cubes at 4 weeks old, 5, 6, 7, etc, which was very weird. The 7th was very human like. Walked back to town and took some photos in a black and white photo booth, only for it to not give us any photos. Stood for half an hour waiting and trying to phone the help line to no help. Other people came and used it and found their money just fell straight out again, so went to the one next to it which worked perfect. Gave up on the photos and went to PJ Obriens for a roast. At first there were no adverts for a roast until they asked and she said there was a Pork One for $19, it was fantastic, with pork crackling. Cheeseboard for dessert which was randomly well distinguished for them, but the goats cheese was vile. Back to hostel.
Saturday 7th August 2010
Morning at the hostel and in the mens toilet some guy was drying his hair by holding his head under the hand drier, Tall and Small waited for it to catch on fire. On their way out to go shopping and to see Ned Kelly's armour, a big troll of a man was enquiring at reception if he needed Photo Id to get a room, they said yes you do, he replied, what if I don't have Photo Id, and they said ou can't have a room then. He left.
Shopping in town small one brought a 12 year olds hoodie top to wear out to the Corkman staff do that night. Tall one wondered if he would still be shopping in the child's department when he was 70. Tall one popped into a bookshop and on his way to pay for a book a little balding old man with big glasses came down the stairs and stopped by the cashier. He said to the young guy at the counter 'I brought a medical book off of you didn't I?' the guy just shrugged back, 'now what was your name?' the old man said to himself, then he said 'give me a letter?', the young guy said 'what?', 'give me a letter of your name' the old man replied. The cashier seemed very bemused, and said 'H'. The old man thought about it a while then said , 'No I can't remember it, what's your name'. The guy said 'Harley'. 'That's It!' said the old man, 'Like the motorbike, that's why I remembered it!' he then left and tall one brought his book.
Went to the state library which had a huge reading room under a big dome. Apparently they housed Ned Kelly's original armour, and it took half an hour to find it, after weaving up stairs, up a lift, walk the otherside of the circular floor, up another lift, round the otherside of the circular floor again... only to find an empty display case with a sign saying 'Armour removed for three days on display for Ned Kelly festival at Beechworth'. Apparently it was being reunited with the other three suits of Kelly's gang and had been all over the news.
Left library and went to the Old Melbourne Gaol (pronounced Jail). Part of it included a 'lockup experience' where some arsehole ex-copper made groups of people stand in a cell with the lights off for five minutes then made them come out again. He made a speech how he didn't give a crap if people had problems with small spaces when they came in, it is what it is, if you get scared in prison you are going to get scared... He welcomed us on the prison tour and said it probably wasn't everybodys first time – and looking around tall and small could believe that. Lastly you could have your photo taken at a police line up height chart, which was for some reason not to scale? Why was anybody's guess, so Tall one and Small one were a good 5 inches taller?
The actual old prison tour itself was self guided, and made up of three long floors. At one end you could see the actual gallows used to hang Ned Kelly and his death masks. Other cells had a row of real death masks (casts of executed prisoners faces) and Tall one took a photo of them and found his camera face detection blinked on and tried to detect the faces smiles. Also there was two Ned Kelly suits of armour hanging outside of a display case just hung on two posts. There was no sign saying replicas to try on, so Small one quickly grabbed it and put in on for a photo. When they found how light they where they put the whole armour on and soon everybody followed suit. A strange man on his own asked a little boy in the Ned Kelly suit if he could take his photo, 'a little Ned Kelly' he laughed and took his photo as his parents looked worried. He then took the armour off him and out it on himself and posed here and there, on the stairs by the gallows as he got the mother of the scared children to take lots of photos of him.
That night met at Pat and Alicia flat in the Corkman hostel, and looked about at their prospective future hom if Stacey the manager ever got back to Tall one. It was nice enough, 'rustic' and simple. The studio flat for the live in manager was nice. Noticed how small one and Pat the chef had both brought identical new shoes of black and white canvas. Went on to Lygon Street to the University Bar. Bizarre set of sliding doors which ou had to press your hand on the glass for them to slide apart, everyone struggled to enter. Once inside sat opposite the doors and watched as all the other members of staff from the Corkman turned up and pondered and struggled to get in, Noreen, Collum and his boyfriend who seemed like a rough Aussie Jail bird covered with tattoos, Stacey and her a lot longer looking boy friend, and the owner Kieran and his wife. As Kieran came in the door (he's a large Irish man from Cork with a white beard) Stacey made a joke in regard to the awkward doors that they wondered how he'd get through the doors. Kieran looked down at his gut and back at the doors and looked a bit offended, this was the first of many feet that Stacey out in it that night.
Tall one had a stinking headache all day and sat quiet which Kieran's wife kept pointing out how quiet he was. Keiran and the wife looked very well turned out, well dressed and distinquished. Then they spoke and the first story out his mouth was about this woman who's husband was 'a real fucking cunt' and the rest after that was very similar. He seemed like a pretty genuine guy though, but his wife seemed a bit of a hag. They then took us to a Nepalese Restaurant where after some arguing were given a freezing cold upstairs room to ourselves, where a strange photo of a Nepalese solider with Elton John glasses hung over us. The food was spicey, but nice, including goat and chicken. Keiran was telling a story about how he had forgot his wife's birthday and Stacey blurted out 'which one?'. There was a long silence and his wife looked a bit pissed off, he awkwardly replied 'well I always say i've got two ex-wifes and only one wife'. Went on for a drink at some other bar, and then up to tone of the two Pogge Mahone's Small one applied for work at. Everytime Tall and Small thought this is the last one we're going someone would turn up with another handful of beer from their tab. Finally they got away and ran home.
Friday 6th August 2010
Small one text tall one while he was at work to say that in opening the padlock on their locker he'd put the wrong key in and broke the key and also the padlock. It was a big padlock that tall one had carried from the UK to New Zealand and to Australia, but had no sentimental value. Small one could not get into his precious Internet or laptop so had to get Pat from the Corkman round with some bolt cutters.
Meanwhile Tall one got abuse from his clients for the first time. The letter R had bad people. Phoned one company and asked the receptionist the usual questions, can I please confirm if we still have the right contact details I have so-and-so as your Admin contact at email address blrblurblur, to which her abrupt reply was 'I WILL NOT BE GIVING OUT ANY CONTACT DETAILS OVER THE PHONE AND I AM SURE THAT YOU CAN UNDERSTAND WHY!'. Tall one almost told her he didn't understand why, he'd phoned hundreds of clients who'd never been bothered and he was onl asking to confirm details he had not ask for new details. Then one of the 'P''s he'd e-mailed wrote back an e-mail saying 'I am not filling in this blank contact form you have sent me! this is really not customer friendly!! why should I be doing your work for you!!!'. He used a lot of exclamation marks, and ironically his name was 'Payne' or Pain. A lot of these were 'home' clients, just retired old cranks who moaned about having to fax or email you back. So Tall one was told not to phone or email them from now on and just to assume their details were correct – so all of his work was a waste of time now.
Tall one had also realized how the whole floor he worked on was ma de up only of chatty, upbeat, enthusiastic women... it was quite hideous. He also noted that they all had the same one syllable names like you would give to a dog, like Jess, Sam, Jas and Teague?? At the end of the day Tall one said goodbye and she jumped up on all fours and asked excited 'ohh got any plans for the weekend?!!' Tall one replied, 'yes i'm going to the Melbourne Prison to see where Ned Kelly was hung....'
Small one had gone to the Corkman having been told to be there at 9am for a meeting with Stacey the manager and Pat, to confirm if he had the job after 2 weeks. Instead Stacey sat and chatted about all and sundry until Pat gave her a nod at 10am and pointed at Conor.... 'oh Conor your here!' yes i've been here all along, and he can have the job.... Small one went back to the hostel and after fixing the padlock with Pat sat on the one chair by a power point in the corridor using his laptop. While sitting there this little camp lad kept on walking past and smiling and nodding, and kept walking back and forth up the corridor. Small one started to ignore him until he stopped and said 'excuse me... excuse me, I bet you're wondering while i'm acting so strangley around you...... I had m camera charging in the men's toilet and it's gone so now i'm looking for it'..... it was quite strange, small one told him a lot of Indian men went in and out of the loo that morning so the rest of the day he watch as this camp lad trailed after any Indian he saw in the hostel waiting for them to start taking photos with his camera?
Back in the city Tall one went to his last film of the Melbourne Film Festival. At a different very old cinema called The Forum, with weird statues inside and a blue sky lit ceiling. He got their fifteen minutes before and was near the front of the queue inside for a change, and within five minutes there was over fifty people behind him. The film was all set inside a tank and when it finished everybody applauded like they did with the other festival films. Tall one did not applaud, he thought there was something wrong with them for applauding a screen – it was not as if the director or actors were waiting back stage, who were the applauding? The projectionist? The ticket collectors? If there is no one to hear your applause why applaud? It would be like sat at home applauding a DVD when it finished. Some people...
Thursday 5th August 2010
Throughout the day called Jenolan Caves and managed to get somebody we didn't know to send us our Tax Certs and Super details. Paid $3,500 in tax at Jenolan so should be able to get that back. Tall one was still working through the alphabet at his data entry work, and was now phoning clients in the letter 'P'. He'd spoken to over fifty people named Paul in one day, and several Peters.... After work his cheap $9 watch broke so he walked up to Big W and brought the exact same one again. Stood outside Big W, unwrapped the new one and put it on and through the old identical ne in the bin. Then walked up to the Corkman where the big Irish band were playing again and met Small one for two Guinness. Apparently there was a Corkman work do on that Saturday which they were going to...
Wednesday 4th August 2010
Small one's license which he'd got in Denmark, had it posted to Denmark Caravan park after they'd left and after many confusing calls to them got them to forward to his friend Rob in St Kilda, who moved out on Saturday and Small one had no time to visit from work, so now his license was at the house in the hands of Rob's friend – Tall one had to go to St Kilda on the way back from work using his weekly tram ticket (for some reason the last few days had been free and the machines closed though). So after 4 week saga, three states ago Tall one collected small one's new provisional Western Australia license in the rain from Rob's friend Paul.
Getting back on the tram to go back to the city Tall one watched as an old lad with a face like death and skinny as a rake sat down on her own and hung up on the hand rail this enormous coat on a coathanger, wrapped in a plastic body bag. She sat beneath it and watched it with her hollow face as it swung and slid up and down the hand rail as the ram moved. Then at the next stop a chubby little Asian fella waited at the Tram stop but did not get on when the doors opened. In the end the driver got out when he saw the guy was blind and had a walking stick. He called to him you want the tram its over here, the guy shouted YES and started walking straight ahead past the tram and into the road. The driver shouted 'no no over here, here.... here' calling to him like a dog. Finally he got the Asian lad on the Tram only for him to walk straight into this death womans enormous, plastic wrapped jacket suspended from the roof. He fumbled about with his face in it and kept walking down the tram with it hugging around him as she tried to pull it off him. Finally she laid the coat in her lap along with a strange bundle of white envelopes she had loose on her lap. It was a strange tram ride, the monsters all come out in the city though and they like to ride the trams... beep beep.
Meanwhile small one went to the bank when it was due to open at 9am to put his cash in hand wages in. There was a huge crowd of people waiting to go in, and when the doors opened everyone stood awkward looking at each other wondering who was first in line, so small one just push his wa in first. As he walked through the bank everyone he past said hello to him, the bank guy at the door, the foreign exchange woman, the manager, the help desk then the cashier 'hi morning sir, how are you?', he WAS fine until each of them started asking how he was.
That evening took Tony for a test drive and he was still working fine, just drove him out the $80 a week car park without paying, then brought him back again as there was nowhere else to take him. Chef Pat viewed Tony but declined to buy him even for $3000. Back in the Corkman and Tall one was waiting to speak to the manager Tracey (who randomly told us she was formerly a truckie – driving road trains, when shes just this thin, little blonde woman). Stacey was meant to speak to Tall one about taking over from Pats Girlfriend Alicia running the 24 bed hostel upstairs. Giving small and tall free accomodation and a reason to stay till next May. But after telling him to come all the way up she said hse was to busy. There was only another 2 weeks before Alicia left, and she hadn't even spoke to anybody else about the job.
Got back to the hostel and Tall one collected small's little laptop from behind reception where they'd been charging ith with their draw of mobile phones. Till the noticed it was NOT smalls laptop, same make and size but different colour. Small was not happy and the guy had only just come on to reception. He locked up and disappeared in the lift, came back ten minutes later with a bloke staying in the hostel carrying small ones laptop. He'd been given the wrong one two and had not yet checked inside to see the colour. Small one said it was a good job he was not leaving to fly out, but the receptionists didn't seem to care too much. Followed the other guy upstairs with his identical laptop and turned out he was in the room next to us and was the couple who were arguing in bad english the other day. We sat listening to them talking about his own identical laptop and his version of what happened and then listened to them 'weighing' things, and reading out 7 pounds there... to each other, hmmm. Hookers and drug dealers in this place, next it'll be rapists and murderers.
Tuesday 3rd August 2010
Small one was exhausted this day and barley dragged himself to work. Through the thin walls he could not get any sleep in his split shift either as a foreign couple had a huge heated argument in English and what made it worse was that English was second language to both of them so it sounded a mess. He paid for the rent for another week and was told it was now only $200 but no one knew why?
Meanwhile Tall one had progressed through his alphabet of clients in his office address book and was on the letter 'M'. The supervisor told him he should be phoning everybody even though it was obvious there contact details would not have changed since they first registered two months ago?? As no one checked if he actually phoned or not mostly he just kept the same details, and would decided which people to call based simply on if he could pronounce their names easily enough on the phone. After work he went to the cinema again, and again it was a grim film, this time a British kidnapping movie and again the ordinary people queued right out the door and up the street. Sat behind him throughout the whole film was an enormous man who kept yawning very loudly and even started snoring, until Tall one turned out and realized it was just breathing problems.
Monday 2nd August 2010
The toilets were very bad were ever Tall and Small went. The Guinness was to blame. Tall one wondered if everyone in the office knew everytime he'd been for a shit as he'd come back smelling like Lavender scented air freshener.
Sunday 1st Aug 2010
Tall and Small had asked to move rooms in the hostel as they wanted a bigger room with two single beds instead of those terrible bunks. They had not been told that they would have to check out at ten, bags and all and check back in at 1pm... So they had to fork out $7 to pay for a locker for their bags to move from room 107 to room 108. Which turned out to be much better, it even had a window which had that daylight stuff coming in. Then after walking round the Queen Victoria Market and buying a magnet that they missed for Blue Mountains and the Gold Coast - Small one went to work to prepare for the once a month Sunday Roast at the Corkman. Tall one walked around town putting up posters to sell Tony in ever hostel, they all seemed nicer than The Elephant. Tall one stopped in for the Roast Beef at the Corkman but was disappointed as it had no Yorkshire pudding. There was a small band which two of the owners of the pub played in. Tall and Small agreed to meet Pat and partner, Alicia in the Drunken Poet pub for a few drinks. It was the very small pub Small one had been refused work in, apparently run single handedly by the very small and skinny lady who didn't even trust anybody to run it for her 3 week holiday so was closing for three weeks the day after. It was a very dark pub, photos of Poets on the wall, and most of the customers seemed to have hats or enormous bushy beards. Had a few Guinness and Whiskeys and Pat kept asking for photos and kept teasing Tall and Small about buying the van. They left at a surprisingly reasonable time for a change and went back to the hostel.
Saturday 31st Jul 2010
Tall and Small went to see Inception at the Imax Cinema. $22 dollars each for a bigger screen and louder sound?? While waiting for the call to enter they sat at the only free chairs by a little Asian lad dressed in red sat on his own. He sat chewing in silence, and thankfully they were called in. They found their allocated seats, and out of the other 500 available the seat next to Tall one turned out to belong to the weird little Asian in red they had ignored in the lobby. After the movie everybody came out and made for the toilet, there was only two and the queue was at least ten deep when they got there, they left it.
Friday 30th Jul 2010
During the day Small came back to the hostel on his split shift and went to shower. In the changing rooms a strange Iraqi looking middle aged man was rummaging through some dirty carrier bags hung up. When small entered he stopped and stood still. Small went to toilet then came out to see the man rustling through them still 5 minutes later, but again stopped when Small came out. Half an hour later Small one went in tow shower now, and the Iraq man was in the end shower. Small went in the shower next to him and noticed how the man was standing in the shower with no water on, and saw his feet standing facing out of the shower not standing in it, doing God knows what. Small one went to reception and asked for access to the second floor shower as there was a lunatic in their one. The second floor was immaculate in comparison.
Tall one got back from work and watched a Japenese Cowboy playing bottle neck slide guitar on his lap and harmonica while his little Asian girl cranked away on a weird banjo using a wallpaper scraper. Tall one paid for a CD and the man could speak pretty bad english, even some of his songs sounded a little funny 'gotter ma mutjo woking'? All around town were more buskers, some weird tubby Asian thing just had a little amp and a mic and was singing unaccompanied very badly, unrecognizable songs, he even displayed his busker permission badge to prove he wasn't a complete lunatic. Tall one then went and brought a toasted Panini for $3 from a strange Asian store, while waiting for it to toast a bumbling woman came up and pointed to their sandwiches and asked Tall one if they were soggy? Tall one said he had not idea. Met Small one at the Corkman that night and the manager, Stacey gave them three free Guinness each and said Tall one may be suitable for the manager job for the small 24 bed hostel (upstairs) which Pat the chefs partner currently did (until the both left in a few weeks). She gave Tall and Small a lift home, after catching Small one urinating in the street outside the pub.
Thursday 29th Jul 2010
Tall one went off to work while Small one went to enjoy a bowl of Cheerios downstairs in the hostel. However he didn't realize that the plastic bowl had been microwaved so many times that it had cracked all around the base. So after he put in the cheerios and milk it started leaking all over the floor and then the bottom just popped off. Out came the cheerios and milk all over the floor through the perfect hole in the bowl. The most exciting story of this trip yet?
Tall one had a fun filled day at work, invited to a 'team lunch' with the rest of the office. He said no as they were going to be having a meeting for an hour and a half with the meal. They seemed to take this as a snub and two others came out during the meeting and asked why he wasn't coming in, and that he didn't have to eat THEIR food he could bring their own. No thankyou. Tall one stayed typing in dull insurance companies details. One of which had an offer on their answer machine stating that if you add them on Facebook and select 'Like' to their offer, you get a further %5 off the interest rate???
Back at the hostel and the bathroom was full of Chinese bos brushing their teeth in the mirror like Psychopaths. Tall and Small used the toilets, brushed their teeth and left and they were still grinding and foaming away.
Tall one went to the cinema on his own at 7pm as the Melbourne Film Festival was on. There was a queue out the door, round the side of the cinema, down an alley and back out of it again just to see one film. Tall one thought if the people knew what they were going to see that they wouldn't have queued so long. The Killer Inside Me was supposed to be the grimmest, horribley violent film out this year. The hoards that came to see it sat through some hookers face being smashed in for about ten minutes in close up, they were quicker in leaving the cinema than in entering it.
Meeting Small one at the Corkman pub where he had spent the day cooking Irish fries, and fish of the day with hollowed out tomatoes stuffed with mix. Ever Thursday a huge group of Irish locals come and sit in the back room and play their own instruments acoustic, some on spoons, some o harmoncias, fiddles, guitars... at least thirty of them.
Wednesday 28th Jul 2010
Raining all day. Catching the tram in the morning Tall one approached the station to see three Chinese 'Station Helpers' in fluorescent jackets milling about, one had a microphone in his hand and shouted into it the approaching tram numbers in some bizaree Chinese Bingo call. My Tram was 'when i'm 64!... no. 64 to East Brighton!'. Then he would sing when i'm 64. He would then started singing other songs all road related, On the Road Again, etc etc, then would abruptly shouted out Tram Number One the Loneliest Number'.... ' very strange. In contrast the Tram drivers themselves were the most depressing, suicidal men tall one had ever met. People past them saying thankyou, morning, good day etc etc, he would just sit there staring blankly out showing no response at all. School was back as well so kids were all over the bloody tram to make it worse.
Only Tall one's third day or work and it was very grim. They said there was only 3 and a half weeks left of this job before he found another though. Tall one did not think he could face one more... His eyes were sore, he could not stop weeing from all the tea he kept making for an excuse to take a break from the phones and the data entry and the buzzing screen. Sat in his chair facing the wall and a Salvador Dali painting of melting clocks... then watching the computer clock crawl to lunch, then crawl to 5pm. 'Hello there this is Michael from BGL I was wondering if I could speak to Chris please? We're just updating the database at the moment and are checking that all of our client contact details are correct.....' Kill me.
Back at the hostel and the usual suspects were sat along the corridor floor again. The fat star trek guy (who Tall one had had the displeasure of seeing stripped naked from the shower in the mens toilets that morning) was sat crossed legged on the floor by a power point like an over sized baby. Tall one saw the chair and desk seat by a power point was free, and by the time he got back to the room, got changed, got the computer and got back to the power point the star trek blob had only just made it to his feet to see he'd missed his chance, and slumped back to the floor.
Tuesday 27th July 2010
Tall and Small do not see much of each other now. Tall wakes at 7am and leaves by 7.30am, back at 5.45pm when Small has left for his second shift at 5.00pm and does not come back till 10pm or later when Tall is asleep or as good as.
Crazy people on the tram today. Sitting their reading his book on a tram a quarter full, suddenly this mans enthusiastic voice started up with this continuous speel like a sermon 'yeah thats right i'll be back oneday, nothing gets between me and that V8. I don't like to brag but I ride for him, rid efor the almighty, and mark my words... i'll be back and i'll ride that chariot to the golden gates of glory, oh yeah. I won't let what happened to Bobby Driscoll happen to me, I'd ride with im again though, oh yeah, but it was the bottle that took him, its tried to take all of us, but i'll back be back, mark my words. Nothing comes between me and that V8'. Tall one turned around to see it was two very old, crumpled over, dirty looking men. Stood opposite each other in workmens clothes and holding crushed beer cans. The one talking was grey haired and 5ft tall and his friend didn't say a word just stood over him looking confused and made grumbling sounds. The little fella just kept on loudly ranting his sermon to him and the families and businessman on the bus looked out the windows.
The hostel was now full to the brim of Asians who obsessed over their laptops sat on every power point down the corridor. You couldn't get to the toilet from all the Asians sat on the floor on laptops. Going into the toilet one was even sat on a toilet seat in a cubical, laptop on lap and power lead trailing out into the wall where the hand dryer had been unplugged. You'd hope no one was using the toilet next to you while you were doing that.
Monday 26th July 2010
Tall one headed off to his new data entry office job on he tram. Buying a sandwich for $4 from a Chinese lady in the station who aggressively asks you 'what you want' before you have even looked. 45 Minute tram ride and was an hour early so he waited in a dingy coffee and sandwich bar reading One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest, drinking a bad mug of what she said was a latte. The office job was was BGL Solutions who provided software and support for residential and business accounting... thrilling. Tall one's job was going through each of their 6,000 contacts in Lotus address book and phoning to check details were still correct and updating new fields. The office was very shiny and new, the half the staff were very young and over enthusiastic girls who dressed very smartly in blouses and suits, compared to the male half who were mostly Asian or Indian men dressed like they were going to a car boot sale in Jeans and sweatshirts. The staff room was huge with three microwaves, two fridges, one with cans of fizzy drinks, fresh fruit and bottles of juice free for all staff. Then Shown round the other dull floors and given a computer in the corner facing thankfully away from everyone Tall one was left alone. The office for some reason blocked all mobile phone signal, as if the wall swere made of lead. The dull process started, bleary eyed looking at a computer all day and making dull phone calls for dull details with dull people. BGL insisted that we used clients first names and so I was phoning up a Solicitor or a Lawyer and asking for Daniel or George... even in the automated e-mails I sent out they were set-up to start by saying 'hello (enter first name)'. Tall one thought it was all a bit painfully informal to deal with some clients that way and could tell on the phone by the way they spoke.
Meanwhile back at the hostel Small one prepared to go to his interview / trial at the Corkman. He was offered the job, the pub was run all by Irish. The chef was leaving and they were after a kitchen hand and chef, and Small one was not sure which they thought he was... The chef said he'd train him up either wa as he was leaving in a month. Small one thought the skinny beared gay Irish barman was Spanish as he couldnt understand a word he was saying. It was split shift though and had to work 9.30-2.30 then 5.30-9.30, though got breakfast, lunch and dinner and one pint free a day.
Back at the hostel at lunch he got six other job offers, including the flustered woman who did not phone him back for the telesales role on friday, apparently she didn't phone anybody she ran out of time, and this was after telling them all in the group interview that if they didn't here by 6pm they hadn't go it. Also offered 30 hours cleaning in hostel, but small one said he'd seen the state of the place, he declined all offers and went with the Corkman.
Sunday 25th July 2010
Achieved little. Stayed indoors.
Saturday 24th July 2010
In the morning watched the 60's film of Moby Dick in the grim TV room, then printed off some posters to sell Tony and took a Tram to St Kilda (beach part of Melbourne) to visit Conor's friend Rob. Walked around Luna Park (the same rubbish as Sydneys) and stuck up 3 posters. Walked up the esplanade and pier with Rob. Small one told him about the hooker next door and imitated the sex sounds by clapping his hands together, only to have a 4 year old boy on the pier start clapping along with him thinking he was clapping the fisherman who caught a fish. Further up the pier and two labradors jumped into the water and swam after a stick, then disappeared into the sea, did not see if they made it to shore. Left Rob and had another meal out, a fantastic steak and chicken burger. Tall one was back into his overdraught, but they still lived like Kings, or at least ate like them.
Back at the hostel and Small phoned the Denmark Riverbend caravan park again to see if they had posted the license (as Rob still did not have it) they said they did not understand what he meant and they argued, until Small one realized he was talking to a Pharmacy in Melbourne after not dialing the area code for WA first.
The usual suspects hung about the hostel that evening, Star Trek hogging the one chair with a power point and having to step over Asians using power points and laptops at midnight to get to the toilet. At 2am woken up by some complete bastard with an annoying college boy accent walking in to his room next door exclaiming on his phone loudly how he'd just like been to a strip club all night, 'yeah yeah, did I say i'd just been to a strip club, nuh man no, I went in the toilet and cum on the floor but before I could clean it up someone came in and stood on it!....' Small one shouted out 'COULD YOU SHUT UP' and he 'was like i've paid for my room too man, but I got courtesy I got courtesy' and left. Next morning we heard him ignore his alarm and rush out missing a flight as he exclaimed to some poor room mate.
Friday 23rd July 2010
Small one had a job interview in South Melbourne for tele marketing. He had to stand up and interview the candidate next to him (nearly every candidate was Indian). When he asked the Indian candidate named 'Ya-Ya' what his weakness' were he said when he made mistakes he never learned from them.... Small one told him he couldn't relay all that back to the group... Small one never got the job however, despite speaking English and having experience. Meanwhile Tall one waited back in the room and heard an American girl in the next room (or anywhere on the floor but sounded like right outside his door) on the floor giving directions to some guy on the phone. When she finished she got off the phone with a huge sigh and went out and met the guy and brought him back to the room. She said how it sucked how she had to give a key deposit when she would be leaving when they were done in an hour and wouldn't want to ask for it back so soon. There was very little conversation and they started making hideously noisy sex while Tall one wrote postcards to his grandparents. They left very quickly afterwards, and Small one came home delighted to hear the hostel was also a make-shift brothel. Tall one had an interview in the afternoon with a recruitment agency, which turned out to be two young girls in a glass office. He was told to wear smart so had brought two shirts, only to be told he was over dressed and the role the data entry role they had given him on Monday was jeans and t-shirt dress. He would be phoning all 6,000 business customers in a software assistant company to update their address book – it would take 4-6 weeks and he'd get $20 an hour, 35 hours a week.
That evening walked up to the Irish Poet and had a Guiness. Small one spoke to the girl he'd given his CV to (who had a lot of very large moles) she said they had already hired two new people and they were working that night. They were two Spanish looking guys, fumbling and shaking through pouring a pint. They poured ($9.50) Guiness into a thin, vase like Cider glass and Small asked him to put it in a proper glass, the guy shook like a leaf. They then had some food, tempted by the title of 'Pork Crackling, Black Pudding and Brie' pizza which turned out to be excellent, as did the Strawberry and chocolate pastry dessert with Baileys icecream. The new guy who brought the dessert said they were out of Baileys icecream but had brought a bottle of Baileys along and poured about three shots in till Small one told him to stop. Small was ticked off that a job (in an Irish Pub) had been given to two inexperienced Spanish over an experienced Irishman. Still, went home with even less money and still no definite job.
Thursdays 22nd July 2010
Had noticed distinct patterns in the crumby hostel, like the rude girl behind the counter, and the three power points down the corridor being occupied by cross legged Asians on the floor, and the one poinbt with a desk and chair occupied by some over weight, Star Trek fan playing online games all night with a head piece on. The toilets always seemed to be filthy in the mornings and weekend they always had the smell of vomit about them. It was the nicest of places.
Spent the day walking round the city in light rain to see every Irish Pub in walking distance for jobs. The Drunk Poet, The Corkman, two Pugg Mahones, Birdie O'Reilleys, Elephant and Wheelbarrow, The Irish Times etc. All saying the same thing that they were looking for staff thanks for the CV. The Corkman did ring later and book Small one for a trial as a kitchen porter on Monday. At the end of the day was exhausted again and stopped in a cheap bar for cheap food, which turned out to be lovley chunky garlic bread with thick melted cheese and bacon as well as a nice chicken meal. No money to spend but eating like Kings. Walked back through town, found a Big W and a Woolworths tucked away for good shopping. Past the same hairdressers that always seemed to put a hideous leopard skin shawl over some poor embarrassed guy right by the window. Plently of buskers about, a Japense Cowboy playing harmonica and a guitar lying flat across his legs while a skinny Asian girl played a banjo, then there were some young idiots doing air guitar busking. There was always a lot of traffic arguments on the street. Small one witnessed a huge truckie get out and chase an Indian back into his car and proceeded to have a huge yelling match on the street. From our room in the hostel you could hear each day a huge argument erupting on the street between drivers. City life was different. Spent the rest of the day looking for work online.
Wednesday 21st July 2010
Headed into the city very confused about directions and Small struggling to drive in the very busy roads. Drove past the hostel three times before getting into a street parking space, and that was after driving into a multi storey car park to be told it was $32 for the first hour!. Walked the stuff to Elephant Backpackers in two trips, and was told (because we had worked and got a good mention for their sister hostel Harbour City in Sydney) we could get $10 off the room price, so was $110 each for a twin bunk room. They said there may reception or cleaning work coming up as well. Went to the rooms to find it a very very bizarre setup. Through the many security doors it opened into one big room which has been divided using cheap, thin partitions into separate little rooms. None of these plaster board sections reached the ceiling so it resembled some kind of rat maze. In our little boxed cell, with a double bed you could hear anything anyone said or did on the whole floor as there was no sound proofing due to the thin walls and 4ft gap from the top of the wall to the ceiling (if you stoo don the top bunk you could look over into the other rooms). There was also no power points in any room so would have to sit in the corridor (of one of three power points) or hand something to reception to charge.
Moved Tony to an outside car park up near Victoria Market, which was $13 on two days, $11 on three other days and $6 on weekends? We were told on the phone to park and pay when we left, but the car park guy said pay for today in advance, but all other days when you leave?? We also noticed how there was no gate or chain at night when their office was closed and asked what happened if we left when they were closed... he said don't. So we kept it as an option to drive off at night and not pay. We showed the van to some Canadian backapckers who had e-mailed us on gumtree, who said they liked it but could only buy it in 5 weeks, so wasted our afternoon. After we left he texted to say do you want to stay in our spare room, and two days after that he text to ask if we had any herb? We stayed in the hostel.
Walked round the city which was full of busy old and new fashioned trams. Mixed architecture of new and old. It seemed a very big city, bigger than Sydney and seemed to be a lot more opportunities for work. Brought a magnet for Sydney 14 months after we'd been there, and got back to the hosyel exhausted from walking. The hostel kitchen was filled with the mixed bag of asians, young idiots and big old out of place long timers.
Went out that night to PJ Obriens the other side of the river. It was a nice pub and the blonde woman with the high fringe seemed keen to employee Small one. However after ordering some chunky beer battered chips to which she brought out plain, thin chips ($3 less) we rejected the food to her and she replaced it. She didn't seem so keen after that. A few Guinness later a band called The Coogans came on. An Irishman with a lazy eye played acoustic Irish songs, accompanied by an Australian on the fiddle. They even played some Elvis and Creedence Clearwater Revival on the violin which was strange but very good. Small one invited them over for a drink and wouldn't stop pestering them the rest of the night telling them how good they were. On the way back stopped for an unnessacry McDonalds and then went to bed to be awoken by a girl crying loudly somewhere on that floor at 4am.
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