The Outback

Tuesday 15th June 2010

Moved to the other caravan park that had been pre-booked. Was checked in by a confusing Chinese girl who had to get Tall one to write his name down so she could understand his good English better. A walk to town and it was as grim as they thought. An English bar was found which served huge Guinness Pies and Lamb Shanks. It also had a lot of idiots on a stag do and that was their only c ustom at 1pm. A quick look around the few blocks of the town, and it was found that in the Coles supermarket block every face seemed to be black. One of them seemed to think Tall one was his boss, or at least he seemed to address him as such. There was little to see, the bungalow sized 'Reptile House' and the many many shop front Aborgine art galleries or the 'desert gardens' didn't really look too appealing. Back to the caravan park, walking around for a couple of hours had been very tiring but at least there was another grand finale of Australia's Got Talent on tonight.
Monday 14th June 2010

Their third day without a proper toilet and without a shower, but it was so cold they hardly noticed how unclean they were. Headed down through the Wycliffe Well roadhouse which was apparently Australia's UFO Capital? It was just a petrol station which very bored people in the middle of nowhere had decorated with alien models and bad paintings. Down the road to Barrow Creek to top up with expensive petrol. The Wolf Creek owner had covered his walls with traveller mementos, supposedly donated? He had to come out twice for Tall and Small as the pump was not working. Then down to Aileron where a huge naked statue of a black man stood over the even more expensive road house. They decided to travel on to Alice Springs as they were in need of electricity and a shower. They had had no phone signal for four days however, and the scenery had only changed once to some dirty rocky hills before returning back to the grassland, so they wanted to see a town.

10 km outside of Alice and they got phone signal. All caravan parks (and there was only 5) were booked out because of the long weekend and some dirt bike race. They found one however which had powered sites for $47 a night!! They said no thanks and finally another little place said they could squeeze in behind a kitchen and plug in there, it wasn't a proper van site but would be fine. Driving through Alice Springs there seemed to be nothing there. A lot of grim looking shops with a rocky ranges in the distance, and a hell of a lot of Aborigines sitting on the pavement looking like buddhas with big grey beards. It wasn't too friendly looking. The campsite was found however a a beer was had in the local tavern, a place where you could drink, bet and watch one of five tv screens, one of which played children's tv. Back to the van for the evening and small one drank light beer, he's not been the same since Brisbane or that night at the melon farm.

Sunday 13th June 2010

Just after Camooweal, in the freezing cold morning they crossed the unmarked border into Northern Territory, where the landscape was even more bland. Got to the Three Ways junction and headed south to Tennant Creek. Tennant Creek had half a dozen shops and four hundred aborgines and stray dogs. At this time Tall and Small were worried about Tony as the battery had become very slow in starting each morning and they didn't want to be trapped here. They drove on to a National Park called Devil's Marbles. Thinking it would be a small place it turned out to be huge, with loads of caravans (although it was a public holiday weekend for a dead Queen's birthday?) and the site consisted of acres of huge granite lava molded boulders stacked on top of each other. It only cost $3.30 for the camping and had three on site toilets, which were somewhat drafty. They had a good few hours before sunset and explored the faces in the rocks and watched the sunset from the top of the biggest stack. An Australian couple joined them in taking a photo of a loan boulder sitting precariously on the edge. The man was some what stumpy and Tall and Small tried there best to pull and push him up to the rock, but he still cut his leg open. He pretended it was nothing as the blood leaked down to his ankle. Later that evening they were joined again by the french backpackers who exchanged emails.

Saturday 12th June 2010

Woke up in the morning and it was bloody freezing, much much colder than Cottrell, no eletric blankets I guess. Woken up a few times in the night by big road trains doing checks by side of road. Headed off down Flinders highway again, seeing this time a black wild pig by the road and some humped ox cattle. Small one saw his first tumble weed blowing across the dusty road. The scenary was dull, just miles of knee high, dry praire grass and the odd straggly bush or tree and the occasional out burst of 1 to 5 foot high ant hills. Drove through Mt Isa which was a hideously dull mining town, who had a 'fun mining experience for the whole family to come and enjoy?'... sweet jesus. At the information centre there they saw the grey french campervan and the two yellow and red occupants. They chatted awkwardly and said they were travelling th same way and then they left. People are more friendly when you just wave and pass them by. Another 500 km and stopped in Camooweal where there was supposed to be a 24 hour rest stop... there wasn't. There was a police station unmaned and a hell of a lot of aborinal people wondering about and standing outside a grimly lit bar. The expensive BP garage attendant said there was a rest area in 70km time or a dirt road over the bridge they could try. Over the bridge they saw a scrubland with a few trees and a lot of flash campervans and caravans parked up. The site was completley un-signed, but they went and joined the others. They found the french backpackers again who were called Seb and Katherine? They shared a cup of tea with them and a good red sky in the sun set.

Friday 11th June 2010

The last very slow painful hours of melon picking at Cottrell Farm almost killed tall and small. Anthony made the runs as long as possible, and when we could have finished in two he dragged it out to two and 1 / 8 of a run? There was no goodbye from John, and a hand shake from Anthony. To say goodbye to Grant Small one pissed in the kettle which Grant then filled his Beef Chow Mein pot noodle with. Ten minutes later he was throwing up at the back of the flat, and tall and small drove off for good passing a stray dog chewing on a kangaroo corpse by the side of the road for the third time.

Driving up the endless Flinders Highway tall and small past two wild emus by the side of the road as well as many huge bone dry river beds. A few hours in and they had noticed how the few cars that drive past always wave or tip their fingers to the fellow driver, but nobody bothers doing this in the towns. The radio struggled with reception and once found in the AM it turned itself off every time the car hit a bump.... Headed through a place called Hughenden and through Richmond the dinosaur capital of Australia? Petrol in the outback was very expensive, previously it had been 119 cents a litre and now it was anything up to 190c. Past Richmond and the sun started to set right infront of tall and small so far half an hour they were blinded by the sun, it made good photos though. Finally finding the 24 hour rest area, after over 400 km of driving. It was very busy with caravans and camper vans, including a dull grey one with a french couple wearing bright red and bright yellow hoodies. There was a small compost toilet which had a little metal trap door to wee or poo on to and when it got heavy enough it tipped inwards and everything was supposed to slide off?

Queensland & melon picking

Tuesday 8th June – thursday 10th June 2010
Back melon picking again with the full trailer. Annoyingly Ant and Grant get on like best school chums, laughing loudly about big racist things, how funny are those chinks, indians and niggers etc etc. Grant at least told Ant that he worked picking melons for 8 months at the last farm, but left as the place had too many dickheads working there?!! When asked why they were dickheads he told him he used to caqtch the melons in the boxes at the other end of the conveyor belt, but everyone used to put up those real rotten melons, which are soggy, hollow and full of a couple of pints of milky stale juice.... used to soak him. Its nice to hear he was hated elsewhere as well... funny thing is he told us the same story like it was HIM playing the joke on someone.

At the end of tuesday he was clearly in needed of a lift to town and kept dropping hints if we could take him as we were doing our weekly food shop. We ignored his hints however. John walked past him and exclaimed how Grant was still drinking those 'girlie' drinks (pink vodka cruiser things) and Grant asked 'John how far is it down the farm dirt road to get to the main road?' to which John replied, 'same distance it is every morning you drive up it' and walked off.

He gopt home somehow don;'t know how, half expected to drive past him hitchiking. On the wednesday he was making cracks about backpackers to Ant in the melon field, which Ant tried to change the subject from infron of us. Grant had also started this weird habit of sitting crossed legged inisde the empty melon boxes on the way out to the pickign field, like a little toddler in a play pen. Grant did some more, 'fucking cunt fucking prick' under his breath to small one today and inbetween made more jokes with Ant. Back at the yard and the half of the shed they were extending had not advanced more than it had a week ago. Some fat, horrible builder had stayed here a week to put it up and made some bad jokes everytime he saw tall and small. Thank christ he's left as well. They hrie the best staff....

Wednesday evening Tall and Small had been debating whether to leave in 2 or 1 weeks time as it was so much fun here with the new red neck, they decided on 2 weeks time on the 24th of June. John had said a couple weeks ago that there was at least another months work and then loads of work pulling out the old vineyard. When small one told John we were leavin in 2 weeks John said he'd be surprised if there was work till the end of this week! He was surprised Ant and not told us. We had almost finished first pick of all the melon bays, and I guess they were not sure about the vineyards anymore. He appreciated OUR 2 week notice at least and said he'd let us know tommorow, but expected us to finish in a few days! So much for getting the same courtesy back from them...

Thursday started work on the last two melon beds. Small one asked Ant if they knew how much work will be left for them, and he said that Tall and Small would be finishing tommorow morning. He wouldn't have said unless he had been asked. It sounded like shit for brains Grant was being asked to stay on and help taking up plastic and pipes over the old melon beds, and he spent the day being vile and cocky and lazy. He acted even more like a retarded child today, when Tall and Small went to move the gas gun out the way of the tractor on a melon bed, he shouted out 'BANG' like a spastic – Ant laughed all excited after him like he's new dumbest best friend. Small enquired about all those jobs they had been told to start and had never finished if they were needed for them (ie. The wire cutting, post removal, orchard poisioning and second pick melon beds) he aid no. Tall and Small were now left with a shit load of milk and frozen food for the week they would not need and DVD rentals they would never watch. Ant and John didn't seem to give a fuck about this. When John came past at the end of the day he said nothing to either and drove off, no thanks guys, nothing. Tomorrow morning will finish by 11.00am and drive the hell out of this hell hole. Tall and Small had already stolen the first aid kit from the farm flat, hopefully Grant cuts an artery and we've taken all the wound dressing kits. The only person on the farm who was not two faced and had a degree of consistency was the dog Rusty.


Monday 31st May – Monday 7th June 2010
Last day of May and the nights and mornings had got very cold, but the new electric blankets and hot water bottle helped. Tall one had eaten 40 fish fingers in the last five days, having been left in the freezer by the estonians, and there being not much else to eat. Put to work on the monday cutting wires in the old vineyard. On the way down the trailer came off the back of the tractor and Small one looked back to see the trailer left behind, up ended with Tall one peering over the end lookin around confused. Cutting the wires their new red neck friend Grant had his own prehistoric tractor (resorected by Ant, looking and sounding like it runs on steam – and has to be started by a second person putting a screw driver in the engine to complete a connection). Grant with the air gun was behind Tall and Small taking off the metal work. He was acting strange as usual laughing out loud to himself at nothing and staring over at them. Occasionally he'd finish a row then drive down an empty one, back up it again, turn around drive back down, then back up again, then stat the next one. We caught him driving round in circles in the field at one point and later just wondering about on foot for 15 minutes doing nothing. John had dug a huge pit in the forest for Tall and Small to fill with wires which was full by the end of the week.

Tuesday was a days picking melons, a bood change from the wires. At one point Small and Grant were lifting the boom off the trailer, and Grant fumbled about trying to grab it himself. This off balacned the great big heavy thing and Small said what you doing grab it from one side only!. Grant responded badly and told him 'fuck you fuck head' dropped the boom and got on the trailer trying to kick Small one as he got on. On the way back and for the next half an hour Grant sat rocking back and forth, muttering to himself, bobbing his head agitated, glaring like a serial killer at Small one with clenched fists, takign random, aggressive swigs out his water and occasioanlly whistling no tune at all.... when we had told Ant he was bordering on psychotic we had been wrong.... there is no bordering about it.

Thursday in the news came the main headline story of a gun man going crazy in northen England killing a dozen people (causing Coronoation St to put off their gun street killing episode). The news story to follow the massacre was an interview with a donkey running for Australian Priminister. This was better than all those FACE BOOK TERROR news stories, about people complaining people can see all their intimate details online.... the ones they put online themselves that is.

Sunday 6th June we were told to start work pulling out the posts using a chain attached to the 'Bacca' or digger as we had done back in March. We ddi this all day saturday as well, but after only an hour of doing it on the sunday John drove up and said 'hey boys follow me to the house we need you'. We followed him up there where Ant was busy cutting metal points with his welding thing again, at least on a dirt patch this time. Small one said 'Morning' to him only to hear him mumbling 'fucking fuck shit...' to himself. John then came along and gave Small one a white stick and said walk up that road there till you see a red flag on a fence, by the flag will be a card board box and stand next to that. It didn't make much sense but Small one went. Tall one was then told to take this 2 litre white bucket (which had some sort of thick, black treacle in the bottom) and o where Conor went. Tall one did. He got to where Small one was, Tall with a white bucket and Small with a white stick, neither could see a box but only a red flag, and neither knew what the fuck was going on. Ant down the other end of the road was waving his arms, then he drove up to them in his yute like a mad man and said very sarcastically to Small one, 'when I point to the right you move to the right!!!' Small one said he couldn't see him from where he was, Ant replied smartly, 'well I can see you' Small one replied, 'I don't have your eye sight I need glasses' 'oh' Ant said. John turned up and found the card board box (an empty box for an electric radiator) cleverly used as a marker had blown away. No one had told Tall or Small that they were using them as markers to line up a new fence. They took the stick and bucket from them, John said to Ant 'maybe we can do this on our own, did you check the oil in the Bacca before you came out?' Everyone shook their heads and John walked off. Tall and Small stood about not sure what to do until Ant said go back to pulling out posts. Tall and Small walked back to where John was as he was checking the oil dip stick in the Bacca they had been using. He said 'look at that empty, you gotta check this every time you take it out!' he was not happy, Small said, 'no one has told us that before' John said, 'well nobody fucking thinks around this place'.... John was right. We took the Bacca back to the yard and put oil in it and went back to pulling posts for a few hours. After the randomness of being pulled away to be confused and shouted at for no reason both wanted to leave... but three weeks left only. Later that evening Ant pulled up and gave Tall one five oranges (apparently from Mike the odl boy who'd not been round for a while due to having seven bits of cancer removed from his arm) Tall one presumed this random orange act was his way of apologising or seeing if they were even still here after the fun that morning.

Monday was spent bizzarley picking melons with two bins on the back of a small trailer instead of with the big trailer and boom. Tall, Small and Grant were there while Ant was laying pipes for the new Melon field. Granmt acting weired as usual, stood eating a packet of Wotsits while Tall and Small were picking. He then walked about saying 'Pricks, fucking pricks!' under his breath. Small asked him if everything was okay to which he responded cheerfully 'yeah everythings great!'. Apparently he's 24 years old and had a four year old son and a 6 week old girl. He also says he'll take a melon home as your not aloud to go to school with either chocolare or cheese in your lunch box anymore? Grant came up with the great idea if marking where we'd gotten up to picking in the melon field with a melon.... We thought it may be hard to make out when we came back from emptying out and made another. It was a fun day and when Ant showed up driving like a mad man on his quad bike, Small said to him 'me and Mike don't mind doing this together if there another job for Grant get him to do it as he's a psycho...' Ants' response was 'he's a what?... oh a pyscho!' and then some nervous laughter. Ant did find something for him. At the end of the day Grant left early and the previous owner Darren gave tall and small a light Fosters beer each as he was not working for John anymore. He'd gotten a job as a caretaker in a school. He'd be back to visit though, and no doubt they'd run into him or his strange wife in Red Rooster or BP or Wooloworths as they seem to every week.


Saturday 22nd May – Sunday 30th May 2010
No work at all Saturday 22nd and Sunday 23rd, and nothing much was done. A trip to town on both days to do some shopping and see the Australian Movie, Beneth Hill 60 on sunday. The main characters came from Charters Towers. This week the cinema was packed, and everyone was over 60 years old and struggling in with zimmer frames and wheelchairs (one of which was being helped by the big woman from the pharmacy). Strangeley Iron Man 2 had just ended in the same screen, and everyone who came out of that film was very over weight and very ugly. Everyone waiting for the war film went in and waited in the screen for the next movie. It was quite surreal as the credits of Iron Man 2 played with heavy metal music, whilst all these 70 year old people came and sat down. The film was better than Robin Hood.

Monday turned out to be the last time we saw Dave. We did not find this out till the next day which was Tuesday 25th, or Tall One's 27th Birthday. Ant announced that Dave phoned at 7am asking for him to be picked up AGAIN. It was 20km one way to town and Ant was pissed off with this now (Dave's excuse was he had no money for petrol when we got paid early this week?) so Ant told Dave he could but expected $50 a trip. Dave said no and we ended up working with the previous owner Darren (the big, nice, but slow guy with the goatie). Considering it was winter the temperature was 31 degrees, and everyone struggled. Darren looked like he'd keel over. Ant said he doubted Dave would come back, it was the best birthday present tall one could have.

Wednesday 26th May and Ant informed us that a 'new guy' was turning up today. Tall and Small were excited as this meant the end of Dave for definate, but when they asked if it was a backpacker Ant said 'no he's a local'. His name was 'Grant' and it turned out he was a friend of Daves, and had no transport of his own so his sister had to run him in and pick him up each day. He strolled over to Tall and Small and had this scarred, patchy face and ratty facial hair, introducing himself with the exact same dumb red neck voice as Dave. Throughout the day we realized he was not AS bad as Dave, but he was even more goofy and dumber. He had this terrible habit of laughing goofily at everything. Even Antony noticed. Small one started to sweep the shed out and he laughed out loud, Tall one took a broom and helped and he laughed yet again. The other annoying habit is he whistles all the time, really really bloody annoying. But as a person he does not speak as much shit as Dave, he's not full of himself or try telling people what to do, if anything he asks for too much help. He also said he was thinking of staying over a few nights to save the lifts.... Anthony thought he was a good worker and liked him, Tall and Small were irritated by him and dreaded the thought of him turning up. They could not put up with that laughing or whistling, it WAS bordering on psychotic.

Grant picked a terrible day to start work. In stark comparison to yesterdays blistering sun, today was so blackly overcast with thick rain clouds it was dark enough to be twilight. We started picking water melons and it pissed down with rain. Ant kept dry under the trailer roof, but Tall, Small and Grant got drenched. Grant was laughing like a lunatic all morning. After lunch the sky was clear blue, with not a cloud in the sky. John turned up, he didn't spend as much time on the farm anymore and had a new hair cut shaved right done to the bone. Tall and Small wondered if this was because he had just got lazy or if he was having some kind of cancer treatment.

Friday was no picking and so Tall and Small were put cutting off wires from an old vineyard out back. The same job as before except worse as these wires had dead vines tangled on them and so they needed to empty the trailer every ten minutes which took longer to do than cut the wires. Ant dug a hole for them to bury the wires, within four runs it was full. He dug another hole, and that was full by the end of the day. Starting again on the wires on Saturday John dug a great big hole and that is not full yet. Tall and Small were both covered with dust in their eyes, hair and skin from running wires up and down to this hole all day, scratched with blood on their arms from the wires flying about.

With winter setting in down south all the green parrokeets, wild budgies and white cockatoos seemed to have flocked up north to this area, as clouds of them screeched about in trees and in the melons all day.

On the sunday it was only Ant, Tall and Small. A different kind of job this time, Ant wanted a hand building a new fence for his new cows. Hammering a huge, heavy metal beam into the ground with equipment rented from town, he then cut the post to size with a welding / cutter thing, with sparks and smoke flying everywhere in the dry grass. He managed to catch the field on fire and Tall and Small ferried buckets of water back and forth trying to put it out while Ant jumped up and down cooking his boots trying to stomp out the flames. It took almost half an hour to put it out and he gave up on the cutting after that, so no bush fire today. We then started putting in wooden and smaller metal posts for fencing, it was light work and Ant even gave them beers... They took apart a horses grave made by the previous owners with wooden posts, and dumped all the wood down in the pit. Tall and Small were then told they would be doing the wire work most of the week as there were not many melons ready. Goody.


Tuesday 18th – Friday 21st May 2010
The Estonians were alright, the girlfriend spent hours cleaning the bedroom for them and they slept in the car for the first night as they thought the flat was just too filthy. They did have very bizarre eating habits, eating boiled potatos for breakfast, lunch and dinner? Also cooking up a big stew for breakfast.... ever heard of toast or cereal? The younger brother, Marcus also kept eating powdered semi skimmed milk with a spoon, straight from the packet.

For the first couple of days the couple were set to work cutting melons in the first melon bays picked weeks ago, and lining them all up. Marcus was set to picking with Tall, Small, Dave and Antony on the boom. It was much quicker with four and the new bed they started was actually ripe fruit not over ripe, so little was thrown away – ended up doing 8 runs ion one days, compared to the usual four of bad fruit... After a couple of days Tall one was seperated and put with the estonian couple, he had to teach them how to slap melon second pick. These were only going to New Zealand so John said they don't have to be perfect, they can sound a bit hollow and be a bit green, it don't matter they aren't fussy. The main problem was trying to explain what a bad melon sounded like to two foreigners with not to good english.... 'this one bad, it sounds dull, thimp thump duff duff!?, this one good, sounds tight, ding, ding??!'. John had also said drive tractor and trailer up middle of bed instead of up the roadway, but as the trailer was so low it kept grounding as Tall drove forward and ended up dragging half the bed with him – not much will grow there again.... Meanwhile Small kept picking with Dave, Marcus and Ant. Dave had to do some work without Tall one and inherited his job of lifting up the boom arm each time they started, he never got it right. He was also lost without Tall one with a watch to constantly ask 'whats the time Mike?', and so kept asking Small one instead who kept telling him, 'DAVE I DON'T HAVE A WATCH'.

The previous owner 'Darren' also came to help Tall pick up melons, and said it was the old boy, Mike's birthday that day, and said how he always worked for free with him when he run the farm last year. He just kept turning up and would not except any money. So, here was old Mike again, working on this dust bowl farm for free, on his birthday.

On the friday the cooler was full of fruit and Ant told the estonians they weren't needed anymore and so they drove back to Ayr without saying goodbye. Not without ripping there cars exhaust pipe off first and re-welding it in Ants tool shed. The grubby flat was once again, empty but for Tall and Small and the Australian Deal or No Deal.

Monday 17th May 2010


Rained like hell all night and morning. The Estonians went to town and Tall and Small sat it out, being told maybe picking after lunch if it dries up. No Dave today anyway as he was in court. Small one suggested we go to tow and support him in the docks, or perhaps throw some rotten fruit, 'HANG HIM JUDGE!'. He should be sent to court just for the 'brain teaser' he asked Tall one last week. Out of the blue saying 'do you like mind teasers? You know brain teasers?'.... Tall one was thinking you need a brain before you can tease it, but he nodded none the less. Dave continued by drawing a square slowly with his finger, and said 'it takes 90 minutes to get from this corner of the square to this one, another 90 minutes from this one to that one, and another 90 minutes to get to this corner to that one, so why does it take an hour and a half to get from the last corner to the beginning again?'... it was all explained beautifully simple, and Tall one bareley had a chance to answer before Dave did his goofy hill billy 'e-huh e-huh e-huh' laugh and said 'yeah my mum got me with that too, an hour and a half IS 90 minutes...!'.... oh yes, said Tall one. Unfortunately the judge was probably a relation in this red neck town and only fined him $200 and he was back the next day.


Sunday 16th May 2010


Poisoned another 1500 trees in the morning then went to see Robin Hood with Russell (Irish/Scouser/Liverpool accent) Crowe. The cinema looked a bit small, but turned out alright. Was only $10 standard price or $7 on a Wednesday. As they queued for popcorn a young guy with two friends were served next to them. The confident teenager said to the young guy at the till 'I'll just have the usual'.... the cashier said 'what's the usual?'. Robin Hood was the same as Gladiator but in England with less blood. Back at the farm and at 7pm three young backpackers turned up. John had hired them and they waited around for ages to see him. They were from Estonia and spoke bad english. Two brothers and one of their girlfriends all slept in there station wagon together. In the morning they unpacked and moved into the grotty rooms, the younger brother shaking his head and looking like he had tears in his eyes at all the filth in the place. Tall and Small were taken aback, wouldn't have minded a bit of notice to clear there stuff out the way. Things would be very different, what would Dave think, he already claimed he wasn't a people person....


Saturday 15th May 2010


Worked melon picking today. Dave claimed he had no petrol to drive in, and had no money (despite claiming he'd brought a $400 motorbike a few days before). Then not only did Ant pick him up and take him home, he lent him some money and gave him some beer!!! Dave had an amusing conversation with Ant claiming that he wasn't a people person, but he once thought about becoming one of those 'politician cunts' then thought no one would like him.... He also claimed he didn't cope with stress well, no kidding.


Thursday 13th May 2010

No Dave again, he was given the day off as no picking. Tall and Small given the job of walking up and down an old grape vine orchard (to be pulled out in the future for melons) and one with a machete cut a slit in each tree, and the other with a poison mix to spray into the cut to kill the trees. John told us not to drink it.... we agreed. It was boring and wrist and back breaking work. Tall one's shoulder had got worse not better. They worked out that there was 60 trees in a row and they had completed 50 rows, meaning they had poisoned 3,000 trees that day. Still with another 50 rows to go. A strange man wih a stammer and twitch turned up asking if they were alone as he wanted to buy some posts, he knew where they were and everything. Small one told him we didn't want his money and to phone John and the weirdo left.


Wednesday 12th May 2010
Usual morning to wake up and watch Sunrise television with Koche and his bad joke of the day. More rejected melons today, some of it was even the fruit we sorted with John and Ant yesterday and re-sent out to Coles, and they rejected again! Picking melons Ant was throwing even more off the back of the trailer than before, which is so depressing after struggling to cut the melon, wipe the dirt off, bang it for goodness and heave it up onto the boom, watch it travel up the conveyor to Ant on the trailer only to see him give it a light tap on the side and smash it to the ground off the back. At least Dave made an idiot out of himself over and over again. Handing Ant a melon and saying thats a good one.... Ant gave it a tap and shook his head smashing it on the ground. Back sorting them in the yard again and Ant watched Dave sorting good from bad, then went through all of Dave's 'good' ones and threw them all out. At the end of the day at 4.30pm Ant got on his quad and drove off without saying goodbye or i'll be back or anything. We all stood around wondering if he was pissed off and that was the end of the day or what? But 15 mintues later he came back all chirpy, he'd just gone to pick some order list up from the house and came back to load the truck.


Tuesday 11th May 2010
ave was back hooray! It pissed down with rain while we were working, but we kept on working on Ants orders. Dave claimed that he knew it was gonna rain as he has this metal plate in his leg which acts up when rain is due. Tall and Small one just looked at the weather forecast.... and those huge black clouds over head. Had two trucks of melons rejected again and spent the rest of the day sorting them in a tense atmosphere. Went to town as usual after work. That Pizza place was finally re-opened and they brought a not great pizza from there, won't go back again. The same girl in Woolworths gave the same boring conversation questions to Tall and Small. How long you got left now? Do you like it? Whats it like in the UK? Snore. Same again next week. Back to the flat to watch Deal or No Deal, the news with Rob Rough – who when he introduces himself sounds like a dog barking, and then stay up late (9pm!) for Australia's Got Talent.


Monday 10th May 2010


No Dave again, perhaps in court we weren't sure. We ended up picking without him anyway, which wa shard work with just two of us on the ground. Tall one sprained his shoulder badly. John turned up and said if we liked that iced coffee milk stuff there was a shit load in the big fridge we could drink. Apparently the deliverey man who had mentioned putting a finger up the bum had off loaded it as un-needed extras. For the next few days Tall one guzzled this very fattening coffee till he felt like vomiting.


Saturday 8th – Sunday 9th May 2010

No work over weekend as Ant and John gone to John's dautghers wedding on Magnetic Island off Townsville. They left Rusty on the farm all weekend, the poor bastard dog. Tall and Small went to town on saturday and got a subway meal. Small asked for his sandwhich and went for the big advert saying ADD $3.00 to make it a meal with a yoghurt or cookie and a soft drink!!! When he came to pay his $7.00 sub and $3.00 add on came to $10.50. When he questioned it and pointed to the poster the girl said 'we don't actually choose the prices, the computer decides...'. It went on a while and another guy took over and was just as stubborn, saying it was a kids meal offer, when it clearly wasn't that was the offer underneath. Finally he got back his 50cents. It was worth it. Tall one opted for a McDonalds which was disgusting.... That's no more subways, McDonalds or Chinese takeaways to get from Charters now.

Sunday saw the offer for flights half price on Jet Star for their birthday, so looked online. Could fly to Vietnam for $300 not $600 if booked early, and Small one wanted to get home for xmas after a call to his mother. After some maths of how much more country was to be covered in the time left, they booked their flights home. Somehow ended up going to Moscow on the route home??? 28th October 2010 fly Melbourne to Darwin, Darwin to Vietnam, then 7 weeks later fly out of Bangkok (where the country is currently a civil war zone on the news) to Moscow, 2 nights in Moscow then land in Heathrow, London 18th Dec. Sunday mornign we sure didn't expect that half an hour later we'd be going to Moscow in december, when the average temp is -8 degrees.


Thursday 6th May 2010

Today a shit load of melons were returned as defective from the supplier. John was flyin off the handle throwing the pallette jack over the side of the yard yelling that we were gonna just stand about and do fuck all about it, without actually telling us what he wanted us to do. The fruit came in and we started to go through it throwing ut the bad stuff. John gave us a lesson on telling how fruit was not tripe enough. Saying this stuff is too green.... when they are all green, you can tell because there is a spot underneath is white instead of yellow, and held one up and said see this HAS TO BE YELLOW..... Well it was yellow, he really needs a colour chart. He then started banging the fruit as before to find which had a hollow sound as they were rotten / hollow inside and so rubbish. We threw out a lot of these, but then he said you CAN put some of these in just at the bottom.... oh right. We then went out and picked some more after three hours of mindless sorting, and small one dumping piles and piles of melons down by the big pit. Tall one took a turn at emptying the crate out with the forklift, and somehow managed to get the tractor stuck in a pile of melons – having to use bits of wood to get the wheel to grip and get out again. Picking melons was painful. Dave was up top sorting them as we sent them up. Apparently Ant sent a very bad melon up next to a very good one to see how Dave would do. Apparently he threw out the good one and kept the bad one. At that moment Ant shouted, right I'm up top. Ever since Ant's been sorting from the trailer and throwing out at least half the melons we pick and send up, which then lay scattered and broken up the roadway covered with bees and clouds of little flies.


Wednesday 5th May 2010

Noticing how Ant wears the same cartoon farmers out fit everyday, picking melons after lunch a man pulled up by the field. He got out his car and came and chatting to Ant while we picked melons. He was dressed exactly the same as Ant. Jeans, biege shirt tucked in, and the same huge, biege hat. It was dress as Ant day, I thought I was seeing double.


Tuesday 4th May 2010

Dave was back and claimed he was arrested over the weekend. He'd been drinking bottles of beer in town down the high street. Police stopped him and threw the open one away, once they left he opened another from his bag of beer. The police past him again and tipped that one away, his story is then a bit sketchy as he was then sat in or by his car and opened another beer in front of them and threw it over a wall or something? They arrested him for being a smart arse I'd have thought dumb arse more apt). He appears in court in a week or two.

Dave then started up conversation with small one, saying have you heard about that volcanoe in Ireland. Considering how the news of flights grounded in UK and Ireland for days by the volcano in Iceland's smoke was reported every day – yes we had heard. He then said are your family okay? Small one said yes, they are fine the volcano is not in Ireland. Dave then said, well the news seem to think it is. We then corrected him that it was in ICE-land not IRE-Land.... he gets dumber by the day...


Saturday 1st May – Monday 3rd May 2010

No Memory of anything interesting... except no Dave on Monday as he claimed his wife was too ill as shes allergic to gold and he gave her gold earrings for mothers day. This must mean he is married to his own mother, and he is stupid enough to give someone with a gold allergy, some gold earrings?


Monday 12th April – Friday 30th April 2010

One evening two hillbillies turned up in a yute, both with long hair, one with half his teeth missing the other with a big red rash on the side o his face. They wanted to know where the owner was and we regrettably gave them John's number. A new day at work and this hillbilly with no teeth turns up to work with us. It was the one with no teeth, his name was Dave (he was as sharp as he name, the same as the other hillbilly Dave from the Blue Mountains).

We DID need a third regular person at least, but this one transpired to be only 26 but with three kids. He claimed to have done every kind of fruit picking before and preceeded to give us tips and corrections on what to do. He'd come up with long, boring pointless stories like how he'd hurt his back one day, or how he could not wear tall shoes as he has a big scar up his ankle (only to turn up a week later in boots higher than anybodys). Considering Ant was only 24 and Dave was only 26 (and John seemed to rarley be on the farm these days, other than to abruplty run in say something random, like hey Conor thought I'd find you asleep in the cooler today' and walk off without waiting for any response), it seemed Tall and Small were taking orders from people younger than them.

Over the next few weeks time went quicker, but the work got more tiedious. Watching Australias got talent on tuesdays was all there was to look forward to, other than the daily news seeing how a volcanoe can ground flights in all the UK or how the local Townsville police can reconstruct a murder by dressing up two mannequins and standing them by the side of a rest stop at the same time of day as a murder a week later. Other than the dull tv, the weekly food shop trips to town were also much fun. Choosing a takeaway and being recognised by the random goofballs that served tall and small in the town. Tall one pulled the muscles in his arms which took a good week to repair, the Gorrilla working in the pharmacy in town recognised him again, from when he'd gone in from the ankle rash. The weird bland girl on the till in Woolworths also abruplty came out with 'when do you go back?'. To which Tall one responded 'what? Where?', then realized they'd spoken to her last week, and said 'I don't know when I go back or where i'm going back to', she didn't like speaking to either of them after that. A brief walk up to Charters Towers lookout point called with a little exageration 'The World'. It was too long to walk so they turned back and drove up and saw, yes it was just a look out over the town and drove back to the farm. Tall one now had a case of creams and powders to put on, with talcum powder down there, lip balm, muscle ache cream, anti allergy tablets, panadal for the muscle pain, hand cream for dry skin, then cream for the rash.

Snakes started turning up more and more on the farm. A long thin green tree snake started sliding in through the front door as tall and small watched tv. They shooed it out and chased it up a tree. A few weeks later they saw a yellow one wrapped around a fence, and then awoke an orange/brown snake curled up in the stacks of palettes. Small one coaxed it out with a stick and it resumed a viper pose and tried biting out. Dave of course knew all about it and drew a v shape in the dirt and said 'see its got a v shape head like that, that means viper'. Small one asked if he could kill it, Dave didn't want him to as he belonged to the cherokee indian tribe and it was againgst his beliefs?? Dave had also however said he'd pulled muscles in his arm whipping his dog with a piece of pipe when it caught a rabbit. An animal lover through and through.

Ant and John had started to shout and swear a lot at us and also to themselves. It would be after work and dinner would be being eaten and this scream of 'you fucking cunt, fucking jesus fucking christ!' across the yard would be heard. We'd lookout to see John sat in the tractor and Ant oading the lorry with melons, something must have gone wrong or one of them had teretts. Dave was taking the piss more and more, now smoking by the no smoking signs in the yard, and having a fag break after every melon run while tall and small started the very boring and repeative task of making boxes alone. One lunch time he even came into the kitchen and asked if we had a toaster, we said yes, but it wasn't for bread it was to stick his fag into to lit it! Dave's car had broke down too so Ant was having to drive a 40km return trip twice a day to pick up and drop him off. They even started giving him beer at the end of the day, while Tall and small had never been offered a single bottle, despite the fact they picked 90 odd boxes of melons a day and they were getting $300 for each box of melons ($1 per 1kg at 300kg per box).

At least Dave's antics gave Tall and Small something to hate or laugh at in their boredom. Dave had said how in lacking a needle to remove a splinter at lunchtime he'd used the hatchet lying on the floor instead to cut the thorn out! Another occasion when told to help Tall one move a 5 foot long heavy roll of black plastic across the farm he announced to tall one that he could lift it by himself, just stand it upright and put it on his shoulder. Tall one said he'd just help him carry it, but Dave insisted 'i've fucking carried shit fucking heavy than that shit loads of times, thats only 65kg i've done 85kg loads of fucking times....' So tall one said nothing and helped place this great big roll on Dave's shoulder. He struggled around squatting on the floor, his face turning red and his spine bulging. 'Ugh, ugh..... take it off me I can't do it'. He then sheepishly announced he just couldn't understand it. Tall one could..... Dave, you're an idiot. He'd also advised us not to drink COLD water as it lowers your body temperature and then it goes back up in the sun and makes you feel dizy. He then said how he felt dizzy and was seeing spots, but he filled his water from the tap and it wasn't cold.

When an order of melons was returned from Woolworths for being to shit and damaged inside we had a new process where Ant stayed on the trailer and a third of the melons we panstakingly picked and threw up to the conveyor belt, he banged on it with his hand to see if there was a hollow sound then threw them off into the road smashing them. John as usual counterred this advise by saying we can send them crap melons but we have to put them on the bottom of the crate. Dave was given the job of marking boxes we had gone back over and checked with a zero using a black marker. Tall and Small watched him doing this all day not knowing why and speculated he was perhaps writing his IQ on each box, or perhaps how much he'd been paid to date (as for some reason his wages hadn't goen through for the first two weeks).

There was finally an argument between Small and Dave. A run had just finished and the trailer was full of melons. Ant was reversing the trailer back so to get back to the start of where the melons started again. Dave as usual was sat smoking on his arse on the trailer while Tall and Small walked back amognst the melons. Dave shouted out to Small one, 'pick up those melons and bring em closer to the trailer....', Small one retorted 'why don't you do it'. Dave flew into action 'i'll fuckign do it, its your fucking row but i'll fucking do it, even though its your fucking row!!!'. He lunged up to where small one was as if he;d hit him, but htne picked up the melons. Later small one pulled John and Ant aside and broke the smiles from their faces by saying 'I have not come here to be abused....' continuing to recount Dave's outburst. John said he was worried about that, and about Dave trying to boss people about. They said they'd keep an eye, and the following week Dave was given days off whilst Tall and Small were given work, they also never picked up Dave from Charters again and Dave had to sort out his own transport.

Getting into the van to go to bed one night Small one looked at Tall one and said worriedly, don't look up and get oput of the van. Tall one did as obeyed and then saw why, above his head on the roof of the inside van was a huge grey, hairy spider. They struggled to get him out with a flip flop and finally cut him in half with some shears. Do Cherokees like spiders? They had also chased a frog out the van a few nights before, and what was worse was had stopped using the kettle inside the flat when the boiled water tasted bad.... they found out why when boiling it for hot water to wash-up when a frog jumped out of it.

Anzac weekend came and went which made tall and small very tired. It was also noticed how when giving Ant the break down of their hours to fax to his mum every thursday, Ant went through it and rounded up or down any half, quarter or three quarter day totals. This ended up giving them both extra hour or two each week, but still seemed strange. John came back after being away for a week and walked up to Tall and Small sat inside the flat holding a 'yellow' melon cut in half (they had only been picking the red seedless melons, these were the other kind they grew). He held it out and said 'have you seen one of these before?'. Small said no and John put it down on the wooden steps outside the flat even though Small stood in the doorway and walked away abruplty not stopping for a response as usual. This was typical John, if he wanted us to try it why not say 'do you want to try this?' and hand it to them, rather than 'have you seen this?' and put it on the steps?. Small had also started working for free now and then when they needed a hand for half an hour to load a lorry with melons. When this extra time had been put down he was never paid anyway so never bothered – tall and small just added half and hour here and there other days anyway. One occasion helping the truck driver load the pallettes into the back of the sweltering hot lorry – when small slotted the very last pallette in with the fork lift the driver exclaimed very excitedly and loudly 'that was great! Went in like a finger in the bum! LIKE A FINGER IN THE BUM!' and started to prod his finger up and down in the air to demonstrate. Small one said he wouldn't know and went back to the flat away from the finger man and his melons.

On the thursday 29th April Dave had demonstrated how bad his maths was all day, saying that if we need to put lids on the crates today, and we need two crates for every stack of three (as only the bottom two need lids in a stack of three) we would need 34 lids made for 66 stacks? We explained that two thirds of 66 was 44 not 34? Small one had also asked him how long we expected to wofrk here on the farm, he said after some more maths, 'I think about two years'..... maybe someone should tell him picking finishes in June. They finished the days work while the Rusty dog chased the shadows of butterflies across the yard. Small one and Tall one sat with a beer and offered one to Ant after Dave had gone. Ant and John only drank 3.5 strenth beer, but still thought to criticize Tall and Smalls 4.6 strength (the strongest you could buy anyway). They ended up having five of the high strength and a few of Ants girlie beer, then Small one handed out his Mandarin flavoured vodka. It turned out Ant didn't think too much of Dave. He seemed he's a good worker but his dumb as fuck. Small one commented on how he's clearly been fucked on drugs before from his teeth, Ant said 'what fucking teeth?'. Ant seemed a bit drunk when he faxed their hours off again, after adjusting each total as usual he scrawled on the bottom 'thanks mummy from Anthony'.

The next morning Tall one went to work, and as like in Brisbane small one was violently sick ALL DAY. In the morning when tall one made his breakfast small one was throwing up in the sink next to him, when he made his lunch, small one was next to him throwing up in the same sink, when he made his dinner that evening, small one was throwing up next to him, in that same battered sink. Small one claimed if Ant had come in with a shot gun and asked if he wanted out of his misery he would have said 'shoot'. He run a bad fever and vomited nothing all day till he strained his throat. He vowed to never drink again. Thankfully Tall one only had a mildly queazy hangover and the work was ended early at 11am anyway after it took them fifteen minutes to pick seven melons – this was due to now sweeping over beds they had already picked three weeks before to get seconds (unsuccessfully).


Tuesday 5th – Sunday 11th April 2010

Arrived back at Charters Towers, Cottrell Farm after a brief sop in Townsville for another expensive food shop and a jacket potatoe by some homeless aborigines. Parked up at the farm in the afternoon, and did not see anyone there until about 8pm when cars pulled up and John and Anthony got out. They didn't seem to talk and drove off straight away leaving tall and small not knowing what was going on as usual.

Wednesday was no work and sat reading all day while John kept walking past at work saying how this was the life. Never once mentioned what work they'd be for us. Thursday said he found some work for us and had us spreading some fancy mineral sand across the newly planted melon fields that we had torn out the vineyard trellace from. After that Anthony had us trying to demolish a big cooler fridge in their warehouse. Talking out rivets with a drill, spraying metal chips all over us. On the roof of it taking them out we asked if the roof would cave in, he said probably not. At some points he was on the roof hammering away and we were inside the thing taking rivets out. Gave up and never finished that and collapsed in the grotty flat exhausted more than ever before. The next day were told melon pickign would start when the thick mist lifted about midday. Anthony had us back in the coolroom with drills and crowbars. Got half the roof off, and then the big central fan had to be got down. Anthony got me to hold it up while he pulled away half the ceiling panel holding it up. Once he pulled that out, nothing held it up but the other half of the ceiling panel and tall one's back. It didn't stay up long and it came crashing down between the two of their feet. Luckily it didn;t hit them or it would have broken bones easily. The rest came down quite easily, other than bursting ear drums from cracking a crow bar into the metal panels with a sledge hammer. Exhausted from this and straight into Melon picking. He was only going to do it with John, Anthony, Tall and Small and not the seven people he had mentioned before. He also said how they only pick a few days a week? Oh right.

Driving the tractor up each run between the melon beds, it towes a big trailer with a central conveyor belt. One guy stays on the trailer, and three on the ground pull melons out of the dense foilage and put them on to the big conveyor arm that stick out. The guy on the trailer then puts them into boxesz premade onto pallettes. It's tough work. The melons are very heavy, and hard to see in the very thick plants. You don't see them to you trip over them. You break your back picking them up and trying to keep up with the tractor which Anthony steer sand controls from a remote behind the trailer. It took about 40 minutes to fill eight crates and take the tractor back where the crates are then emptied to a better level (about 300kg worth of melons in each). John was getting a bit short with tall and small, saying we were picking to many 'green' melons and to watch the 'green' ones. They were all bloody green. He was meaning un-ripe ones, where the base has a big white or light green patch. There is a yellow stain underneath the melon anyway where it sits on the ground, and there are also male melons, ones with seeds and which are light green with stronger patterns. Which sometimes he wanted picked as well, sometimes he didn't, sometimes he called feeders, sometimes seed melons, sometimes providers or something? John shouted at Tall one that he was wondering to far away from the conveyor belt, then Anthony said, no dad thats the middle point of the bed and he needs to go there. There were nurmerous examples where John got a bit short with us, like saying afterwards, 'boys that industrial waste (from demolishing the cooler) you put in that home bin over needs to come out'.... then Anthony cuts in I told them to put that in there as the industrial one was full. John said oh. The next day was the same, except no John. Instead his wfie turned up who never bothered to come over and say hello, despite the fact she does all the wages back in Townsville. She brought with her Anthony's young sister and her friend. Most of the time they pratted about giggling like school girls in skimpy clothes and zipping about on the quad bike. Where as the day before one person was on the trailer, he had the two of them, and like before one person carried a new crate over to be stapled to a pallette the girls took one between them, so they seemed to just do the work of one man between them. They brought with them a crazy eyed brown dog and some black low lying poodle. They were also joined by a big man and two noisy young boys who was vaguley introduced as the regional manager of Coles. His boys zipped around on quad bikes as well and later without anyone forewarning us they turned up back at the grotty flat and slept in those manky rooms on those manky beds.... the life of a regional manager sure has perks?

Anthony got short with us the second time, this may be because he ran over a post and small one made fun of him. Again saying shortly 'are you boys gonna help me with this or have I got to do it myself'... we didn't have a clue what he wanted done, as he hadn't asked us to do anything. We ached like hell but Anthony seemed to think we'd get used to it so much that we'd 'grow muscles in our shit'. The prospect was quite exciting.

Sunday was no packing as no more pallettes left and John was off on delivery. Tall and Small wanted to go to town to do some food shopping as there milk and bread both were stale. Anthony said well I have an hours work for you now and maybe half an hour later this afternoon. They said we'll just do all the work now rather than shower twice? He seemed to agree. After the first job of tidying up melon beds with a shovel he did not come back and speak to them for another half an hour. Finally coming back and saying you can't do the other work till the afternoon. So after hanging around they went to town anyway, knowing they'd have to com eback and get changed and get dirty again later for half an hour.... Town was as thrilling as last time, but was all closed due to being sunday. Even the big supermarkets were closed. Had a subway and headed back after spending $30 on nothing in a food work shop who seemed to have over charged us. Tony seems to be leaking brake fluid as well as the light keeps coming on days after we had put 2 litres in. Back at the farm and thankfully coles manager and the boys had gone, Tall and Small sat and watched The Steve Irwin Crocodile Hunter movie on television, which was god awful


Easter Monday 4th April 2010

Everything annoyingly closed for easter and headed south. Brief stop through Tully and Cardwell. In Cardwell phoned John at Cottrell Farm – Charters Towers. He phoned abck a few hours later and said he'd probably be ready to start Thursday or Friday. Small one said great we'll come tommorow and wait. It rained again and again and they stopped at a caravan park in Ingham where the toilets were full of frogs.


Sunday 3rd April 2010


Stopped at another waterfall and onto Ravenshoe, the highest town in Queensland or something? Saw another two waterfalls, Little Millstream falls and Millstream Falls, supposeduly the widdest in Australia... who cares. Drove up to the well advertised Tolga markets which were grubby and small and the strange book seller from Yungaburra was there to be ignored. Drove across to Gordonvale along some very windy, narrow, foggy roads which was a boring drive. Then down to Innisfail and a McDonalds and then doubled back a few km to a 24 hour rest area just above Innfisfail. Over the bank holiday had Driver Reviver stops open, where anyone in the car can get a free tea or coffee to encourage people to stop. Outside of bank holidays your on your own though. A few other backpackers stopped there including a young dutch couple sleeping in the boot of their hatch back. They spoke of their travels through the flueding (flooding), and how their boot does not stay open so they keep a big thick stick in the car to hold it up. They said one night they kicked the stick out to close the boot when other people turned up in the rest area. A little later an argument started outside their car and a man screaming picked up their big stick and beat someone round the face with it. The police and an ambulance turned up, and they decided to find a new stick to prop up their boot.


Saturday 2nd April
Thankfully left the caravan park and headed down the Waterfall circuit. Stopped off at Malanda falls where there was supposedly lots of tree kangaroos. Desperate for food but found none in Malanda, headed to Millaa Millaa. Found a cafe in Millaa Millaa where the woman was clearly Australian, but could not seem to understand either of us speaking plain english. Small asked for a sandwhich, and she said sorry what? He said a sandwhich. She looked puzzled at the menu... He said again like speaking to a child, 'A SANDWHICH'. Oh a sandwhich, she turned to Tall one. Tall one looked at the menu and said I'll have the pie and salad. She said sorry a what? Tall one said again, A pie and salad. She looked very puzzled, he picked up the menu and point to it and said shortly A PIE AND SALAD. Oh she said a pie and salad. It took a while to come and was adequate, the wedges were more than adequate. Tall one ordered a supposedly homemade crumble advertised on the wall, rthere was now only one table of other customers who all had their food. They waited half an hour for the crumble and it turned up stone cold. Small one complained that after waiting half an hour they had expected it to be hot, she said they did not serve it hot and never did, Small one said he had never had crumble cold before and particularly not after a half an hour wait. They heated it up and it was quite nice. They gratefully left and went on the little waterfall loop track. Three waterfalls, Millaa Millaa Falls, Zillie Falls and Ellinja Falls. Found that we were reconising the middle aged couples and backpackers stopping at all of these falls. Booked into Millaa Millaa Caravan Park for the night.



Good Friday 1st April 2010
A sleepless night in the rough caravan park, and at 5.30am tall and small both went to the toilets for a wee, as Tall one walked in he noticed some legs protruidn from one of the stall, the door wide open, his shoes off and trousers off piled outside. As they came in he quickly closed the door, whatever he was doing in there he stopped till they left. In the morning desperate to get out of there for the day headed towards the two crater lakes nearby. On the way stopping at a bookshop in Yungaburra which turned out to just be a lonley white bearded man called Steve's converted garage. He came downstairs and was desperate to make conversation, but got little back. We just wanted to look round quick and get out, but it was hard as he actually had a shit load of good books, but no order. Stacks of boxes and bad shelves everywhere. Tall one asked if he had a certain author and he went looking in four different places for books. They left after buying four books and looked in the luxury hostel next door and wished they were staying there instead of the red neck park.

Got some petrol on the way out but as they pulled by the pumps some guys were leaving, and they noticed a closed god friday sign on the pumps. They wondered if they had there days mixed up, then a small korean looking woman came and and said she was closed but she'd only opened for the last few guys who had broke down. She gave us petrol, but as we were parked there two others cars pulled in, she had a good easter. Had a quick look also at the curtain fig tree which was alright.

Headed first to Lake Barrine, and took a very very long walk round, which took an hour instead of 40 minutes. Saw a muskrat kangaroo and a python laying across a path halfway round, which must have been 2-3 metres long. Driving to Lake Eacham Small one stopped as he got a leech between his toes. Had a great fry up breakfast in a roadhouse halfway there. The woman put eight bits of bacon on the plate and almost killed them both. The other customers were young, loud red necks. On to Lake Eacham and it was a prettier lake, blue colour in an old volcanic crater. A shorter walk round this one and saw some turtles swimming in the water. Some children went kayaking in the middle of the lake and when they all fell in the mother watching from the side went hysterically back to the car and sat in the front, saying she couldn;t watch.

Drove back to Yungaburra and brought a magnet, while Small one got a blue wasp sting him between his toes where the leech got him.


Thursdays 1st April 2010
Querying if there was a good tour to go north to Mossman Gorge and Cape Tribulation rainforest, we were told no. The roads were pretty flooded and the tours too expensive and the gorge had been closed a year? Headed back south, stopped at Palm Cove which was a nice spot had it not been raining and a lorry driver swore at tall one when he walked infront of his turning lorry, when the idiot hadn;t indicated anyway. Then went on and brought new tyres for Tony in Smithsfield K-Mart. After two hours small one went back in to see they had put the new ones on the front and not the back and went on frantically asking for someone, only to be told its better to put new tyres on the front and so they had swapped the old front to the crappy back ones. Had some food in the expensive food court in Smithsfield and Tall one dropped a paperback book down the toilet which fell out his back pocket. Drove inland to Kuranda where the famous scenic railway had been closed due to a huge land slide hitting the track and the engine driving into it a few days before. Looked round the somewhat pointless, but nice looking market there and then ran through the rain back to the car and left, after looking at the impressive Barron Falls. Did a food shop in Mareeba where small one wanted to buy a single bed and gut Tony in exhancge for a $30 bed to make room for a whole bedroom suite, they held off. Tall one brought three passion fruits in their $117 food shop (their most expensive yet), only to see that the idiot cashier put them through as figs not passion frutis, so they came up as $4.44 instead of $1.50 (50c each). Tall one went back to him and he dully said, I dunno, can't help. Went to service desk where she spent ages tapping in some things and gave Tall one one dollar back, he said no they are 50c each.... she did some more tapping and gave him back $2.56 change, it was worth it. On through Atherton and expensive caravan parks, and through Tolga where there was supposedly a 24 hour rest area, but was none. Finally went to Yungaburra (all these towns they had phoned a couple of weeks back in Townsville looking for fruit picking work). It was easter weekend so they booked in for two nights as there was no double charge like most parks. It was full of red necks and rough ugly, smelly bastards however. It was surrounded by a big lake, Lake Tinaroo.


Thursday 25th – Wednesday 31st March 2010

Walked to town for the first time on thursday. It was raining and the walk in along the esplanade had a terrible veiw over the beach which was just horrible looking mud with the tide out. There were nice misty hills in the background though. Fruit bat / flying foxes hung above your head, and signs for no swimming due to crocodiles were very small and well hidden. Despite supposidely being smaller than Townsville, it was much bigger and had a lot more there to see and do. Had a few Guiness' in PJ O'Briens, where a useless little bar maid poured her first pint of Guiness and ruined it. She could not even pour lagers without using a ladel to take out the half pint of head. On to the shopping centre where in the food court small one snuck a photo of this eccentric Swiss man with a waxed curly moutache, little leather hat, leather shorts and braces. In the same food court we stood next to a life size plastic Ronald McDonald when the Swiss man came up and aggressivley poked Small saying, you took nice photo? He demanded to see small's photos, small humoured him then walked away only to have the cuckoo clock grab his collar and say wait I phone police. I expected the police to come an dlaugh as well, perhoas bring their own cameras. We avoided the shopping centre after that anyway. Back to the van in the rain and watched Home and Away. Rest of the week spent having 'duvet' days stuck reading or on the free wireless in the van, hiding from green ants and rain. The neighbouring vans seemed to change everyday as people just gave up on Cairns. The caravan park was still full though, mostly of Wicked Camper vans, Hippie camper vans, and spaceship and Juicey camper vans.

Oneday walked to a bookshop about 45 minute walk in the rain. On the way Small was bitten by a friendly black dog being walked by a black man on a bicycle. The bookshop was strange, completeley devoid of customers, and all her books were arranged by size of book not by genre or author. Sections divided into small, medium, jumbo, large, extra jumbo?? Tall chose a book but said he had to go get cash out, she asked if she should save it for him behind the counter. Looking around at the empty shop and streets, he said no don't bother. Back at the van in the rain and a girl leaving next door knocked in the rain and gave Small one their left over food, oil, crisps, ketchup all un-opened, where were they going next. Tall and Small struggled to find sapce for it all, it was a bit of a pain, stupid, generous bitch.

Sunday walked to the showgrounds in town (in the rain) for a terribley boring market sale thing. PJ Obriens for another bad Guiness, she was not getting any better and they did not sunday roast. But had a nice Irish Coffee and apple pie with ice cream on the esplanade. Went round the Night Markets which was full mostly of tourist tat. Brought some rnadom, little metal magnetic Simpsons figures which were hideous and Asian. Brought a swimming noodle and some Aladin trousers. Long walk back to camper van in the rain, and Tall and Small felt sick from too much cream and Irish Coffees.

Monday was the only day with sun, all be it a little bit, but ti made it very hot and sweaty for walking back into town, RAIN COME BACK! The only sun and Tall and Small spent 2 hours in a dark cinema watching a not very good Matt Damon film, Green Zone. Tall got a hair cut where the hairdresser didn't really cut very much and asked what else he wanted done, and Tall said 'he didn't know', so she did whatever she thought talking to Tall one about what she was doing to his hair like she was selling a mortage. After just 5 minutes of cutting she charged $15, despite the sign saying mens haircuts from $10. How long would a $10 cut take? Back to the van which was swarming with ants. The rain came back and Home and Away was on again. Phoning Charters Towers for a time to com eback, he had no idea as usual, so not sure where to go and do what next? Planned to travel about the waterfall circuit inland and go up to Port Douglas to kill time for a week, hoping Charters would sort themselves out. Tall one had one last shower, only to have the guy in the shower next to him go in and piss into the drain gutter that runs past and through all the showers to the far end drain, watching the yellow, smelly urine drift amongst his own suds water. They left in the rain.

Wednesday 31st March 2010
Drove up a long windy coastal road to Port Douglas, it was still raining. Port Douglas was only a small town near the beach and everywhere was ten minutes walk from the caravan park. Tall one asked for a powered site for two people for one night and the woman took his money and walked the van down to an unpowered site. When corrected to a powered site she insisted Small one reverse into the spot and watched and directed him for a painful 5 minutes. Walked along the overcast beach where a netted area was put in the water for swimming. It was only about fifteen feet far out but still had a lifeguard watching. Signs for crocodiles and stingers were everywhere. A nice small single high street and Small one wanted drink and food. Found Paddy's Irish Bar which did no food so went over the road to the Iron Bar where they held Cane Toad races at 8pm, which the overweight waitress explained in a very confusing way, that you didn't bet on them but you bid for them? Small one ran over in the rain and stood under Paddys Bar for a photo, having waited for a miserable lone woman with an umbrella to leave. They then had burgers and a fantastic rhubarb crumble served in a cocktail glass? Back to the van and it rained all bloody night.


Wednesday 24th March 2010

Stopped in Tully, the wettest town in Australia which is signified by having a huge Gum Boot the hewight of their annual rainfall – which Tall and Small climbed to the top of. Brought a terrible bannana milkshake from a cafe, which he took ages to make and Small took one sip and put in the bin. Considering Tully is the largest Bannana picking area and each shop had a 'NO TO BANNANA IMPORTS, LOCAL ONLY' sign, he used some liquid bannana flavour. He wasn't the brightest of cafe owners anyway as he had three outdoor umbrellas up inside over the indoor tables. He also had a poster asking for people to donate money to a local lad, who had previously had money raised for a wheelchair, but he wanted their money again to pay for transport to get to football games, Tall one thought he was pushing his luck.

On to Mission Beach, advertised as the most popular spot between Townsville and Cairns.... it was empty. Signs everywhere to watch out for Cassowary birds on the road, we saw none. The weather wasn't great, and no oher backpackers were anywhere. Though tall one managed to cut the bottom of his big toe off stepping on to a concrete step. After wrapping it in cellotape, tissues and bandage they walked up the jetty which was covered with Swallows.

Heading on to Cairns now and stopped for food at a sop between Silkwood and Innisfail. Buying a terrible sandwhich and confusing a road worker sat at a table with a mannequin they then paid for a Bannana milk carton at the till. The cheerless woman cashier through them a small spanner and said that comes with it. Randomley you got a mini spanner with every Goulbourn Milk purhcase, she was not selling it to well.

Got to Cairns and booked in for a week at what was supposedly the nearest Caravan Park to Town. It did not stop raining the whole week, the grass site by the van flooded to ankle deep and Tony had to be moved on tot he concrete slab. The roadway through the path came like a stream at times, and big branches fell out the trees above to ground. Hoards of green ants came down the trees and seemed to get all over you, but didn't bite, they were also ravaging a strugglinjg, big, fat, ugly grub under the van. Small one went looking for pizza and was given directions to take ten minutes to Pizza Hut by reception. An hour and a half later he came back having not found it and having been scared by many groups of loud, arguing, drunk aboriginies. They found Pizza Hut later and spent over $30.


Tuesday 23rd March

Small one was put to work by Anthony cutting wires of big posts somewhere else on the farm, Tall one was put to work winding up the plastic irrigation pipes by driving over them with a giant cotton reel. Tall one managed to bend the cotton reel by driving into a post, and then lost part of it. The work dragged on till after lunch and they had expected to leave Charters then, but Anthony said no, there was enough work for another week. So all geared up to stay again and go food shopping, till the father, John turned up and said no, we had to leave today, no more work. He was very vague on when work pickig melons would be back and said call in a few days, or ten days to two weeks? Tall one went to collect his trainers left out for the last few nights, and saw something inside one. Thinking it was a sock left inside he reached in and squeezed to pull it out. It was not a sock, but a cane toad's head he squeezed. He shrieked back and let small one shake the toad lose and chase it under the house. Tall and Small got the hell out of there and headed back through Townsville, stopping to buy hot food and milk at a petrol station after living off pasta for the last few days. Over the radio had been hearing reports how that cyclone has ravaged Whitsundays and ruined a lot of boats and supposedly leaving tourists without food or electricty, and backpackers looking in bins for food? Couple of weeks later an oil tanker spilt near there, so we saw Whitsundays just in time.

Had planned to head just south of Tully, but too dark and tired and too much rain so stopped at a 24 hour rest area just south of Ingham.


Thursday 11th – Tuesday 22nd March

Charters Towers was about 120km inland from Townsville, and the start of the outback. The farm had accomodation included, but she had said it was far from luxury. The dirt roads turned to red and they found the farm. Run by a father, John (who looked like an old Rod Steiger in very short shorts) and his son, Anthony (dressed exactley the same everyday like a cartoon farmer in blue jeans, biege shirt and a very big hat) they had brought it as an old vineyard 3 months ago and were taking out all the trellaces to convert to a Melon farm (like they had in Townsville). The accomoation was definatley not luxury, it was a raised one storey flat, the ceiling and floor was brown and peeling, full of grime and cobwebs, shotgun belts hung from the curtain rails. The shower was filthy as was the ant infested toilet. They hoped they would not get charged anything for this, as they were sleeping in the van and not the bug ridden, blackened mattresses provided in 2 dank bedrooms. Bees hing around outside drinking from a leaking tap,, they came from hives by the orchard – apparently they rented the bees to pollinate the melons.

Locals hung around the farm like flies to dung, an odd old couple with wobbly, scarred, bent legs and skin hanging off their bones very loosley came and worke dfor them for free just for something to do. Mike was one of them and he told Tall and Small that his wife (who looked a bit like a duck) had baked cakes and to help themselves in the fridge. For the week and a half they were there they noticed these shop brought cakes still in wrapping in the fridge, next to rock hard scones wrapped in an old tea towel. They did not know which cakes they could or should have so ate all of them as no one else seemed to.

Weather was the same most days, overcast with an hour or two of hard sun in the day (but not very humid), then rain a night. An orange looking dog with pointy ears called Rusty roamed the farm. He never seemed to be fed, and they seemed to forget about him most nights and leave him at the farm. Apparently the previous owners left him there, and sometimes he limped with his left leg and sometimes his right. Most nights it was just tall, small and Rusty at the farm, which was just a few big sheds and the old flat, the owners farm house was quite a way away. The first night was a bit scary, in the dark on a big emoty outback farm, surrounded by big cane toads, and distance nosies of metalic moving on freight trains, and screeches from the shed in the wind.

The work itself started with removing the long reels of wire between the trellaces. This was done with bolt cutters and then wrapping it in bundles and putting it in a trailer. A 30 second lesson on tractor driving was given and they were left to their own devices. The orchard had not been cut for a while so was thigh high grass filled with grasshoppers, never seen so many. Big, light brown / grey bush turkeys strolled around the field as well, nothing like the wild turkeys from NSW, they looke d more like little emus. Large eagles circled us as we worked, one of them seemed to eye Small one for a potential lunch. The wires was hard work and took four days to empty the orchard. Tall one cut his arms to ribbons. The wire was then bundled into a pit the father had dug 'outback' which was just to be filled to the top with rubbish then covered over later.

Step two took three days, which was another tractor with an air pumped, hand held rivetting machine each attached. This drilled out the bolts on the metal T works on the trellace posts (that the wire had been on). Screws and metal chipped off and flew everywhere doing this, no goggles provided, and everything (again) went into the hole.

Step three was removing the posts, which after a 20 second lesson on driving a huge yellow digger (which they seemed to call a bacca?), one of us drove while the other attached a chain to a post one at a time and the driver then pulled the chain up on the front bucket till the post came out. Posts flying everywhere and snapping like a gun shot with the strain sometimes, and that old digger lunging forward unexpectedly, was another health and saftey worry. This took a day and a half, to which another rlocal turned up, some big fat guy in a big hat and white shirt, who rudley asked asked you boys not done yet, I thought you'd be done by now. He wanted to know where the son, Anthony was. I said I never knew, he went back to his car and told his little friend that he didn't get much out of those two (as in us). Tall and Small did not like the locals.

It was kinda easy enough work, and the son and father left you alone and mostly drove off early with a beer in hand. The wage was always very vague, they said they thought it was $18 give or take, but how coul dthey not know when they paid us? They said there would also be no payslips. The good news was that their melon pickin started in 2 weeks or so and they were happy enough with us to come back for that. Uluru finally phoned and told us we needed a full drivers license for the role they had vacant, so tha was that anyway.

A trip to Charters Towers town centre on Tuesday, and Small and Tall did some food shopping (another $110 bill – the most yet). The town was very old fahsioned, style of a wild west town, with big balconies and curved roofs. It had been a gold rush town back in the late 1800's. Tall one went to the information centre for a free map and magnet for the car, it was only 4pm and a woman with a banana hanging out her mouth was locking up. She kindly opened up to get us a map and magnet, but in return subjected us to the usual boring questions of where, when, how, who are you? The town was full of pubs, 30 odd infact, form the days of the gold rush. There seemed to only be fat little school girls (no boys at all) kind old women and rough looking black men. A weird place indeed, but they did nice home made pizzas.

Oneday Small one was pulled away to help with the planting of the melon seedlings. He was to drive the tractor slowly up each carefully plastic lined and water pipe rigged row while the machine behind automatically put in the seedlings which the son helped with. Small one took a few rows to get the tractor straight, and afterwards was told his first few rows were shit. Looking back at them they weave all over the place instead of up the middle on the markers.

The final work on the orchard was to set a different tractor with a fork lift on the front going up each row, set the throttle anmd jump off. Then the two of us were to chuck the posts on the ground we had taken out earlier onto the front fork lift. Sometimes they all came tumbling off together, and sometimes the tractor drifted off course and we had to turn it right without getting caught in the big back wheel. Wrists and backs were sore after a day and a half of that. This work was done through the cyclone warning, which only hit inland with constant drizzle and high winds. Once this was done Tall and Small planned a weeks trip to Cairns and back down for Melon picking or perhaps somewhere else if better should show (despite the free rent, they did not like the vague wages and were still waiting for the first pay check). John said there was another days work as he had found a few more posts to collect and the water pipes were to be wound up, so they reluctantly agreed to stay another day, even though there food supplies were almost gone, and the cakes were all gone from the fridge.

Monday 8th – Thursday 11th March

Headed up to Ayr straight from Airlee Beach, where we stopped and had a roast dinner in a foil tray at Red Roosters for $8. Desperately looking for work now after this expensive trip, and Ayr was empty. All the hsotels said another 3 weeks till work, but that's what they said 2 weeks ago. Drove on to Townsville, advertised as the largest city after Brisbane in Queensland. We thought we'd find some bar or office work or at least phone around some other fruit pickers north of here in Carins. Booked into a hostel for a week (as it was the same price as 5 nights anyway). The place was run by a miserable, sour faced bastard, but he had a photo of himself on the wall smiling and having fun. The place seemed desserted, until some grubby little children started running round the place. Tall and Small then spent three days campaigning for work online and on the streets.

The search in Townsville it self did not go well. The whole highstreet was road works and every shop was closed for refurbishments. Tall and Small walked (stepping over what seemed like a lot of tramps) for over an hour just looking for somewhere to get food, everywhere was shut. Finally found a McDonalds whose milkshake machine was broke. Managed to still find four job agencies who all brushed them off, one women took them to the window and pointed out another three job agencies opposite and gave directions. Back on the street and she must have been watching and laughing from her window, as none of them were where she said they were.

Back in the hostel online and CV's were sent to Uluru (Ayers Rock) Hotel, to try and get a stint like the Jenolan Caves one. No response came. Small one phoned about thrity hostels and caravan parks around the Cairns area for fruit picking work, they all said they were full and did not haveenough work to fill the waiting list, or to try again in a few weeks (surprise surprise). Small then got a list of farmers from a gullible caravan owner near Cairns (who said she usually only gave it to people staying there), he phoned about twenty farmers on the list who all said they had no work. It was not looking good. The Harvest Line was then phoned (who previously had been useless), they gave three leads. Two were already filled, and the third was a farm needing a hand pulling out fences and old vineyard trellaces near Charters Towers. It was only 1 to 2 weeks, but $18 an hour. Leaving with still five days left paid in the hostel they went for the job

Friday 5th – Monday 8th March


The boat was due to depart at 3pm, but we were told to be at jetty by 2.15pm. Looked around the town and Airlee beach which was nice enough, and brought supplies such as snacks, water proof cameras, etc. Waited at jetty at 2pm and watched as people started turning up one by one, wondering if the boat got filled up in the last 24 hours or was still just the eleven the office had told us. We heard another tour giving out rules to a group how everyone signs on and off as they get on and off boat to dive or swim. As the people turned up we ended up with four guys turned up on their own, one Dutch guy with a smeg and a bag of goon, a very shy Candian lad, and two German guys who ended up talking to each other (Marco and Rene who brought along Stephen Hawkins History of Time for some nice on board relaxing reading). Two big bald guys turned up, looked a bit like a couple. One was American, Nate and the other was Irish, Tristian. It seemed like it was an all boys tour with eight lads sat waiting. An Italian bloke with his Swiss girlfiend and her Italian girl friend then showed up, and a late arrival was a pale looking German couple. The woman called Mrs Snorkel who rents us our stinger suits came and went, not being too helpful. We sat and waited till gone 3pm until well after 3pm some blokes told us it wouldn't be long at that was that. Finally on board by 4pm and into the sea. The boat was quite small, and thankfully not full to 26, but only 13. The boat had an onboard crew of three, The skipper was a big chinned, big mouthed idiot who turned out to be 23, the cook was a young, skinny bohemian goatie wearing American, and the Diving Instructor was this over weight, awkward speaking New Zealander. It was going to be fun??

There were two toilets, but no soap or santizer which made us wonder how the cook coped. Small asked Skipper about floating devices for when they snorkled and he told him they had none, despite the fact the office and dear old Mrs Snorkel said there were loads on board. It turned out there were three floating noodles to take out, luckily only three people needed them and not the full 13. They motored around the islands (not sailed, despite the fact it was a sail boat it never sailed), and moored in a nice bay near some other boats. When it got dark, Skipper realzied we had NO lighting outside the boat, so had to eat in darkness, or in the very clamy rooms underneath. Sleeping was very ver hot and sweaty and most people moved to sleep on deck, Tall was worried about sleep walking over the edge however, and with this mickey mouse crew would never be seen again. Thankfully Small over heard the cook asking Tim if he could put some Goon wine into the pasta dish he was making, Small one knew this nasty cheap wine in a bag had fish oils, and despite putting FISH ALLERGY on his registration form at the office, the cook said he knew none of this and so left the goon out.

Next day the amazing Diving Instructor got lessons on how to sail the boat by one of the passengers, Tristian. We moored by Whithaven Beach and the Driving instructor dropped us asshore in a dingy which was taking on water at one end. The DI then said he'd be back in 2 hours to collect us at 11am, however it was 8am when he dropped us off? He also told us there were NO DOLPHINS in australia, you just did nto see them (someone should tell him bout all those dolphin tours?). At least the passengers were all okay, and everyone joined in mocking the idiototic Diving Instructor and loud mouthed Skipper. On the beach could not swim or paddle unless you had the stinger suit on, due to so many jellyfish in the area.

Scuba diving lessons started, and no one in the crew knew about these 'FREE DIVES' and said no, it wa sjust a free 20 minute induction. No one was happy but he said we'd go anyway and sort it out later. Small and Tall first for training along with the Italian and Swiss couple. No sign in or off sheet was produced for saftey, and no info given on marine saftey, animal saftey, current saftey before going into water. Diving Instructor even said, he knew nothing about tides or what they were doing, despite the fact he had said earlier how it effected the dives. Put the weight belt on and the gear, and the DI wa sstraight into his follow me do the five steps needed to dive. Now do them underwater, where we could not see him or anyone else. Back out the water he said everyone was great! Ready to go? Tall one and Small one had had no chance to et used to the breathing equipment and were not happy about it, so gave up and went back to beach. DI left them to it as he kept on with the couple. Tall and Small went snorkelling instead with their noodles. Tall one was struggling to stay alfoat, but they sturggled around and managed to swim with a turtle and some nice little reefs by the islands. Tall one then realised he was exhausted and could not stay afloat much longer, he struggled to get back to the shore out of breath when he realised he was still wearing the diving weight belt.... good Saftey checking form the DI again. Back at the boat and the food was surprisingly nice, with even a roast dinner oneday and MASH potatoes every single day.... the Irish ddi not complain though.

Skipper took everyone out to the Great Barrier Reef where we spent the night and saw a great sunset over the ocean, despite the crew, it was all very relaxing and the weather had turned out great, as had the other passengers. Even Tall one solicalized to some extent. Over the side of the boat big fish came up and ate bread thrown in, you could get in and swim amomngst them, they were the size of large dinner plates, if not bigger. Night carried on with skipper talking bullshit about how seven girls have come over to this country for him, and how many fights he's had etc etc blur blur blur. Someone then put Emeinem blaring out across the ocean.

Work up throughout the night sweating and listening to the skinny cook throwing up over the side of the boat. Morningtime and everyone went snorkeling round the reef and small groups risked their lives going scuba diving with the DI. Tall one struggled to keep up with a group of very fast swimmers and went back to the boat with Small one. The DI who was supposde to be watching everyone in the water came back up on deck and counted the heads in the water and said, 'yep still five out there'. Tall one said no there's only four.... DI counted again and said no there's five. Tall one said, I was the fifth and i'm behind you. Again, grea health and saftey. Tall and Small both managed to get out to the other reefs later when DI went messing around in the sinking dingy.

Last day back round the islands and the skinny cook decided to jump off the top of the boats mast. Tim the goon wanted to follow but was talked out of it. Finally headed back in, but outside Airlee Beach the tide was out (despite the fact they arrived back in each day at the same time) and so everyone had to be ferried in on the sinking dingy. Everyone filled in review and feedback forms on board. All said the skipper was an idiot. He didn't look to happy reading them on our way back to port. A few people made complaints at the office but tall and small drove out of town to get to Ayr or Townsville that night. They e-mailed a big complaint to Oz Sail later and after 2 weeks had not even had a response, so forwarded it to three different ombudsman.


Thursday 4th March

Left the somewhat unpleasant rest area early and headed for the Whitsundays hoping the weather would be better. Stopped in Sapphire where another desperately lonely Information Centre guy would not stop talking rubbish when all they wanted was a map. Stop of at Mackay beach where Tall and Small both had their first shower since Bundaberg. The mens toilets were a little strange and seemed to be a meeting place for certain men. As a guy sat in his 4x4 and kept walking into the toilets (not using the sink, toilet or shower) and walking out again. He'd sit in his car a bit longer then go back in ten minutes later. We did not stay there long. Got to Whitsundays and stopped at an Information Centre on the way in, as wanted to find out some non-biased trips round the islands an even to the Great Barrier Reef. The centre was run by a very friendly women who kept telling her fat, half naked young son to get off her computer. Her toothless and fast talking partner came in with two pit bulls and spoke ver very quickl about how good the trips were as they gave Tall and Small an OZ Sail leaflet for the Spank Me boat trip. $60 off and a free scuba dive included, four days, 3 nights. Small said they couldn;t dive and they told them they taught you as well. It was still $400 each, but was the only one that went to the Great Barrier Reef as well. As usual they paid for it there and then without shopping around for about better Sheila or Tony. Driving up into Airlee Beach to stay at Magnum Backapckers, who had spare camper van spaces, was a nightmare to find. Pulling in and paid for a powered site we found they only had six sites and each had a car or van in, but the two cars both had tents put up infront of them. Back at reception the bitchy receptionist came out and caught the couple who had paid tent site only using the electric socket and car space as well, there was an argument whilst Tall and Small looked on. Finally the car was moved and Tony had his spot, they just hoped (as they sat opposite the steaming couple) that they were not sharing a boat with these people for the next three nights.

At the bar of the hostel we found half a dozen of the backpackers from the flood coach. The young German couple gave us there wet tent they had salvaged for giving them lifts in the van the other night. The noisy Canadian girl from the bus told us how they had got a lift to Rockhampton whee a new bus and the same bus driver was provided. They were given $100 cash each to get dry clothes and food etc for now, and told that Premier Bus would call them each later to discuss compensation. None of them were too happy. We had two pints and went to bed, the next day we were headed into depe water again, 3 nights on a small boat, with up to 26 people.


Wednesday 3rd March

At 5.00am we were still restless and had little or no sleep. We thought we'd see if the water had gone down either end. The bridge on the way in now read 1.6 metres deep, so we drove the other way to where the coach had gone. Halfway there we saw hoards of backpackers trailing up the road, some had been sleeping on the tarmac, half of them were half undressed from wading through flood water. We pulled over and spoke to them, there was about twenty of them. They were all quite nice and friendly, but very pissed off with the driver. They told us how he'd ignored there advise of the road closed sign and had laughed at us when he told him not to go on. Through the flood waters his head lights went right over the water and trying to reverse out he almost toppled the bus at the edge of the road, shouting for everyone to get on one side of the bus. All of there baggage underneath was soaked as well. They were now walking back up the road where the driver had told them a new bus was coming, we told them there was no way through as the water was now 1.6 metres deep, we even drove three girls the 2 km to the water as they all wanted to see for themselves. They all arrived at the flood bridge which now read as 1.8 metres deep. Day light came and the bus driver arrived last walking slowly and alone. We told him how we told him so, he had his excuses, how he'd done this a hundred times. They all decided to walk back to the bus, and again we drove three girls over to that end to wait for the others. By about 6.30am all the backpackers had waded back to the bus got their bags and waded out to the other side of the flood to the hill, where at 10am a bus collected them. The driver left the bus where it was, door open and keys in ignition. Tall and Small had no option but to wait with the van as they could not leave it, unless life threatened. The flood this end was at least noticeably going down. But past the coast it was still chest high waters from where the backpackers had waded out.

Small phoned the NRMA who asked the make of car, number plate, colour and the year, then past to someone else who asked the same questions (despite the fact we fille din all this at registration) they then told us it would be $300 for a tow but only if there van could get down, which was useless anyway with these depths. He phoned the police in Miriam Vale and a police woman asked what he wanted them to do, to which he said we are going to starve to death we have no food.... A more friendly policeman phoned back an hour later and kept in touch for the rest of the day however. Tall one sat and read, but finally needed a poo, so had to go by the side of the road which was not the most pleasant of things. Two minutes after he had done a local drove down in his yute who lived in a house off the main road between the two floods. He was nice and said how this had happened three times this year already and some cars just had to wait for 48 hours, depending on if it rained again. By 10am, Small one had also had a poo by the side of the road. After lunch time the water had gone down more and Tony had crept forward nearer to the bus. By 3pm Tall and Small could get on to the bus in knee deep water and use the bus toilet (which could not flush however). They noticed on the bus how bags were still left on seats and that there were three big parcels marked FRAGILE, URGENT 35MM COLOUR STOCK.... Tall one noticed how they were addressed to Bown Cinema and were labelled, George Clooney Up in the Air, Daniel Day Lewis 'Nine' and Disney's Gurgles. They were all water soaked, the people of Bowen won't be seeing these for a while. It was a dull waiting day, and the police phoned again to say a news crew were coming down and to wave. They later phoned Small one and Channel 7 news asked some on air questions, which no one we knew ever saw on the news later. Finally at 4.30pm Tall and Small walked to the other end of the flood themselves to see how deep it now was. It only went up to their shins, so came back and decided to push Tony through in neutral like before, so not to flood the engine. The plan was going well and a cyclist stopped on the road ahead and watched, then when they were half way he waded out and helped. He was too strong for Small one however who could not keep up with his pushing speed. Just as Tony made it to the otherside and they thanked the cyclist a police car pulled up and it was the policeman from the phone who saw we were okay. Small and Tall gave him the luggage left on the bus (so it was not stolen by locals who had started to drive through the floods themselves in their 4x4 and nose into the coach as they went by). There was never any telling off from the policeman however and Tony started fine and we carried on 4km to Miriam Vale. Stopping at the Miriam Vale garage for petrol, food and a magnet where the garage had a big crab on the roof. Still headed north they turned onto the Bruce Highway 24 hours late, and just as they pulled in a campervan with a roof rack with two smiling germans drove past, Tall and Small nodded, the Germans had taken the RIGHT route.

A stop at Rockhampton town, which seemed to be full of nothing but rough bastards, 24 hour takeaways and statues of cows. We did stop for a big pizza and bannana milkshake before heading up further to a 24 hour rest area in Yaamba for the night. On the radio the news story came on that the 68 year old bus driver of Premier Travel caught in Miriam Vale floods was expecting to receive heavy fines.


Tuesday 2nd March

Tuesday morning it had rained all night and was raining all day. Martin had warned they may get flooded in on these roads, Small and Tall hoped it would ease off as the Ninja Turtles were booked and they wanted to go. Frogs were so noisy outside they kept Tall one awake early morning. Midday the rain had eased off and they were ready to go. Driving out of the flatlands Tony conked out going through a not so deep puddle across the road. Luckily he got started again, but so did the rain. In town he conked out again at traffic lights, finally got started and pulled into a Wooloworths Car Park. Small phoned 'Tony the mechanic' back in Coffs and asked his advise. He said about driving with the fuel cap off for a while and to phone again if we had trouble,t though he was hardly going to drive up from Coffs to Bundaberg. While sheltering from the rain in the car park a campervan with a big roof rack pulled in and two German guys? Got out and started cooking in the car park, we waved and they smiled back, hello other backpackers... We stopped off at Bundaberg rum factory and not wanting to pay $20 for walk round a factory looked around the shop instead and brought a sticker and a baseball cap. Wasted some more time pottering around town, even though the rain was getting worse. Went to Mon Repos Beach at 6pm and waited for half an hour in the rain outside the rangers office. Others turned up including the two German backpackers with the roof rack, we nodded and they smiled back.... Around thirty to forty people turned up to go out and the rain turned to drizzle. The guide explained a ranger was scouting the beach for a nest site and we may have to wait up until midnight for him to find one, if at all. We sat down for a long wait and they put on a dull turtle DVD, thanfully an over weight serious looking man with his wife entertained us by wearing the most ridiculous plastic ponchos over a bbig stripey jumper, making him look like a pissed off bumble bee in a sweet wrapper. Tall and Small were at least in the first group and at 7.30pm it came in over the radio that he'd found one. Luckily it only drizzled and our group was led out to the beach, Small and Tall managed to get to the front of the line and so got the best seat crouched right on the ground a foot from the nest while others had to stand behind and lean in. The Ranger said no photos at all except once all turtles were out and he held one out to everyone to stroke and photograph, he was very strict on this.... They started coming out the sand which he'd covered with a board to slow till we got there. For ten minutes they just kept appearing out the sand and making for the beach, only for the ranger to put them in a little penned off area. Once they were all out he held one out to each person to touch, they had a surprisingly strong grip with their flippers. The bumble bee man said loudly, 'we have all seen Finding Nemo', nobody laughed. Everyone was then directed to the beach front below and made a line facing each other, the ranger relased the baby turtles from the pen and we watched them scuttle into the sea between are legs by torchlight. We were gone by 9.30pm.

It was very nice but the real adventure was ahead. Heading north and wanting to get to a rest stop south of Rockhampton we took a more direct but secondary route north, instead of doubling back inland to get to the main highway and the heading north, this would save us about 50km. The roads were fine, even though signs were poor and we wondered if we had gone the right way after 40 minutes. We were due to come out at Miriam Vale were we could get back on the Bruce Highway and head north, but never seemed to find that connecting road. Finally we found it by the only petrol station we had found, which was closed. Fingerboard Road to Miriam Vale (and the only connecting road to the Bruce Highway without doubling back 100km to Bundaberg) was also closed due to flooding. We thought we could not afford time or petrol to turn back and assumed 'perhaps' the flood warning was only from lunchtime when the heavy rains had stopped. We headed down it and expected to reach Miriam Vale in 26km. A delivery truck followed us to past the Road Closed sign and even over took us. We tried to keep up with him so we could judge any waters by him, especially as Tony had conked out twice already today. After 20km all had been perfect except for a little debris on the road. With 5km to go we crossed a small bridge which had about a foot of flooded water to drive through which Tony managed fine. Another 2km up and we found on some flatlands the road entirley flooded as far as the eye could see. Again we were faced with turning back a very long way or going on, so we carefully followed the delivery van which was just a red spot infront of us. He seemed to stop some way ahead but then carried on up the hill in the distance and had made it. It was gone 11pm and pitch black, so we drove ahead. The water got deeper, over a foot this time with no sign of dropping. Then Tony conked out. We got out and looked ahead into more darkness, could not tell if we were nearer the end or beginging, or if water got deeper or shallower. We put Tony in neutral and pushed him through the water forward and not back, hoping it was the closer dry ground. After a while we got in and Tony started and managed to drive through the now knee deep waters. He drove about 100 metres then we saw the flood signs ahead, and they were very very deep in water. Small stopped Tony quickly before the head lights went under, we got out the van and were thigh deep in water and saw how it only got deeper ahead (going by the road signs submerged). We started to push Tony back again, we knew it would be a long way but had no option. Small one made the point that pitch black, thigh deep murky waters, were there any snakes or even crocodiles here. Tall one was not happy about those thoughts. They had to keep going though. Back into knee deep waters by midnight, and the end was in sight when they saw big headlights driving down the road towards them. It was a big coach marked for Cairns. He had came the same way and ignored the road closed sign. He stopped by Tony and opened his door. We told the short, white haired driver how the water got very deep up ahead and said not to go on, he said he'd be fine. We asked if he could help pull us out, he said he had no rope and if we could move our van he would make it. We pushed Tony to one side as we heard American voices shut inside the coach as he closed the door and drove on. We pushed Tony back further for another twenty mintues and hoped that bastard driver would get stuck. He did get stuck. His rear red lights hovered in the distance and did not budge. Tony made it free of the water and managed to start. Small drove us back the way we came and hoped to get back to that petrol station and sleep there. However we got to that bridge 2 km before which was a foot deep, and it was now over a metre deep (going by the depth gauge). Although the rains had long stopped it had crept up behind us and we were trapped. We parked at the top of the roads hill and tried to sleep.



Sunday 28th February – Monday 1st March 2010


The problem with the location was that there was no phone signal and very slow wireless Internet. The place seemed a bit untidy and a bit of a fixa-uper. The bathroom smelt of sewage, the kitchen and crockery was grubby and there was a bizare system of having to turn a water pump back on outside every time the shower cut out. Having moaned, it was all free. But Martin had promised work, bwhich was the main reason to come. But upon arrival did not seem to mention he had any anymore and suggested we spoke to his friend coming over that Sunday. After a trip to Bundaberg for food shopping and buying some teabags for Lisa struggling to find any shop open on a sunday as bizarrely the town closes completely) the returned to a BBQ and three visitors. There was about fifteen children running around the place riding in lawn mowers, the three friends were helping dig the garden, it looked hard work. Tall and Small did not know if they should be offering to help or not, infact they did not know where they stood due to work, and they seemed keen to know how long they planned to stay. The friends did not seem keen to offer any work and said when asked, they were too far away. Lisa suggested Tall and Small drive around the farms and ask. They sat awkwardly in the middle of the BBQ and watched the dog lick everybody's plates, and then the large woman friend dug a hole for the swimming pool (or ex-fish farm tank) while they just stood over her and watched. They went back and hid in the flat and fell asleep early.

They were kept up all night however, following an earthquake in Chile, Tsunami warnings were sent out for Australia and New Zealand. Small one had most of his family and friends phoning and texting the whole night to 'GET INLAND FAST!'. Tall one did not get one phone call. Turning on the TV the Australian News gave it 2 minutes and showed people on Bondi Beach still swimming. Yahoo News' top story was still 'Man eats winning scratch card', and Martin and Lisa seemed not too bothered by the warnings. Eventually it turned out to be a 20cm rise in sea level, not too dramatic. Later that Monday they drove to town again and explored the high street and the somewhat snobby Information Centre, where they finally booked a turtle watch at Mon Repo beach for $9 each. Martin was not seen as at work all day, but Lisa helped with their washing. They were very nice people, it was just not an amazing place to be stuck without work, and not quite what had been expected. Tall and Small did drive around a few local Tomato, Chile and Mangrove farms which seemed to have people working in them, only to be told they were either a few weeks too early or too late. They phoned the BBC Technologies guy who screwed up Bev and Bruce's machine and he said he'd call them back with contacts (where they had no signal), they then phoned some places in Ayr, and two places said there was some early work starting at the moment, before the main rush in a few weeks. They thought they'd leave the next day after the Turtle watch and head that way. Never heard back from BBC guy ever....


Saturday 27th February 2010

Frazer Island coach picked up Tall and Small at 7.20am. The driver was an absolute cock, came out the front shouting 'Right, BARTON! BARTON!”, then reeled off instructions about following a man in red and insisted nobody got on the bus using the front door. A ferry was then taken from Rivers Head over to Frazer Island, it started to rain a little. Got on special four wheel drive, high bus on the island with 20 odd passengers. It was a strange bunch of people, a German couple who the husband had a big white beard and was dressed in red like Santa Claus. An old couple with a Madeline child, the man of the couple having one leg shorter than the other and so had a huge corrected heel on one shoe. An over talkative English girl with a disablilty making her walk funny. Three dippy Asian girls wearing 'I LOVE CUTE GUYS' t-shirts, who giggled and kept asking for there photos to be taken infront of the sea whilst making Ringo Starr peace signs. Then there was a man who insisted on carrying a huge tripod with him for his camera for each and every photo.

The first stop was Central Station in the forest by a creek where Aboriginal women used to squat and give birth. It was full of mosquitoes and quite hideous. The a very bumpy ride up the sand roads to Lake McKenzie which was a beautiful, light blue lake which you could swim in. Whilst Tall one was paddling a German dick head from the shore called out 'Hey! Move!' and waved Tall one aside because Tall one had swam into the view of the photograph he was taking. Walking up the shore of the lake Tall one stopped to take a photo of his footprint in the sand, some noisy Australian Woman shouted out 'what you taking photo of?!” Tall one said his footprint, she replied loudly, “what you doing that for!”. Why don't you fuck off was the reply she should of got, but Tall one just told her it was something to do.

There was then an all you can eat buffet at Eubor Resort, then a drive up the 75 mile beach (a registered highway) where they stopped at The Pinnacles and a Shipwreck. There a pilot of a light aircraft offered a scenic tour of the island for $70, to which Small one, Tall one and the English girl went along with. The pilot admitted he'd only been flying for 5 months and looked about seventeen. It was a shaky ride, but a good view of the island. The Pilot had claimed he'd show us Manta Rays and Sting Rays in the ocean, but we saw bugger all like that. Back on the beach he landed by the bus at Eli Creek where you could walk knee deep up a crystal clear river into the forest. Back at the ferry and halfway back to Hervey Bay it had to turn around to pick up two women who'd missed the boat. When they got on the fifty odd passengers already on went over and stared at them.

Back to the Caravan Park and picked up Tony, drove out of town and headed to Bundaberg to get there that night. Stopped at a drive through McDonalds were a fat woman in a car over took them in the car park to get ahead of them in the drive through. The drive took two hours and at 8.30pm they were following Tall one's google map to his Uncle Martin's house in the middle of obscure farmland. Through the pitch black they drove up and down very long dirt roads, in long, flat fields. They finally got a big flood across a road and could not get across, there was no phone signal to call Martin so turned back. Finally getting signals they phoned again and were told a better route as Google's one if wrong anyway. They made it and met Martin and Lisa at their house. Had a cup of tea before going to be in the downstairs Granny flat


Friday 26th February 2010

Left the caravan park and had a look around Maryborough. In the Information Center another desperately bored and lonely old man talked their ears off about nothing such as 'you know why this building is called The Station Building?.... it's because it used to be a station”. Leaving him they found the statue of Mary Poppins which was only five foot tall and commemorated the birthplace of author P.L. Travers (despite the fact she left Australia at a young age and wrote all her books in the UK?). Had a much sort after Jacket Potato each in a shopping centre, which was so covered with runny sour cream it was un-edible. Apparently this is suppose to be the happiest region in the country, strangely everyone in the town just seemed a bit deranged, and either very small or very big and ugly.

Left Maryborough for Hervey Bay up on the coast. A nice seaside town where Tall and Small had a roast and booked into a Caravan Park with a beach view, and a nice, calm, 'shark and stinger' free waters to swim and sun bath in for rest of the day. Small one asked reception about there prices to Frazer Island, having decided againgst it previously from cost. There was a day trip for $150 and free parking for the day at the caravan park, so it was booked for Saturday morning.


Thursday 25th February 2010
Small one still not happy in all the sand and heat and talked of going back to Dublin. He disappeared up the beach to which Tall one followed his foot prints for an hour and found him walking up the beach. Decided to leave the camping area a night early and headed down to the actual Rainbow Beach sands. The cliffs were not quite Red and Yellow and Pink and Blue, but more orange and yellow and brown and a different brown.... After the colour blind rainbow beach they paid $5 each for a shower at the back of a laundrette, which gave them only 5 minutes of water. They then drove on up towards Maryborough, the home of Mary Poppins. Booking into a bizarre caravan park where the old man at reception got on a walkie talkie at check in and told us that 'Barry' would show us to our site. We drove very slowly behind Barry as he walked down to a site and explained without need how it all worked. The place seemed full of middle aged shirtless men, and a caravan grown over and covered with plants next to Tall and Small concealed a little old man who kept coming out to sit on his roof and hose his plants down.


Wednesday 24th February 2010
Continued on to Rainbow Beach National Park, where camping was $5 per night. The place was boiling, sweaty hot, full of mosquitoes and sand getting everywhere. The area was nice with empty beaches alongside the forest, but Small one was not happy. Moved down to another camping area nearer the sea so no Mosquitoes. Got stuck in the sand through as no tarmac, and Tall one had to dig and push the car out. It was nicer, but very windy, so windy that most of the trees were horizontal. But at least they had their new pocket fans which made no difference, except for lighting up??


Tuesday 23rd February 2010

Continued up Sunshine coast through Maroochydore and Noosa, stopping to see Shutter Island at the cinema. Did some laundry in an expensive laundrette full of flies then head north towards Bundaberg and stayed in a Rest Area with food court and truck drivers.


Monday 22nd February 2010

Spent day at Steve Irwin's Australia Zoo, home of the Crocodile Hunter (if he hadn't been dead that is). With tasteless Steve Irwin tat and merchandise everywhere and his daughter now shamelessly being plastered everywhere with her own terrible show. The crocodile show was good, but sadly had to start with people dancing in big animals costumes helped by a zoo attendant in a wheelchair. Continued round zoo which was full of mosquitoes. The animal encounter zone had terrified koalas being held by Tourists for photos. The keeper kept prodding the koala's arsehole so it would shit on the floor and not on some American's bum bug. Tall one had his photo with a female Python called Mark, whilst Small one had his photo taken with the two animal costume people form the show. Left the zoo and spent the rest of day at Mooloolaba on Sunshine Coast, and after driving about not finding the second 24hr rest area on the map, doubled back to the one from the night before


Sunday 21st February 2010

Small one still complaining, but they finally left Brisbane. Headed up Bruce Highway towards the Sunshine Coast. Stopped off in The Glass House Mountains, which were strangely tall and thin and nothing like glass or houses. Heading towards Sunshine Coast it rained so hard they pulled over to wait in an information centre. Tall one realized how everybody who works in these places are desperately lonely losers, when the old man (despite being told was not needed to help) started talking about a load of old rubbish to Tall one for 20 minutes.

The camp site they had planned for the night was closed, and a 24hr rest area was found but full of mosquitoes and with a very ugly toilet. They carried on to Sunshine Coast, Caloundra and spent the rest of the day there. The Sunshine Coast seemed to be a Gold Coast for families and over 60's. Back to the rest area for the night.


Saturday 20th February 2010


Small one died all day and was too sick to drive, Tall one paid for another night at the Caravan Park, Tall one felt fine. Tall one left Small one to die alone whilst he went into town to watch two movies in the morning. Meanwhile Small one threw up all morning in the toilets and everyone in the caravan park heard, including two new Dutch girls who came over and gave him pasta. Tall one came back in the afternoon and found huge dead black bat on the road, looked like a cat with wings. They had a quiet night this night.

Thursday 18th February 2010

Trip further up Gold coast through Broadbeach, and the sky scrapers in Surfers Paradise. Stopped for food in an Irish pub where some Asian bird in a bikini came round asking us to give to charity. Did wonder the logic of trying to turn on customers so they gave money to a Cancer fund?

Left Gold Coast forgetting to buy a magnet which Tall and Small had stated doing in each town/region. Got to Brisbane and checked into a Caravan Park called Newmarket Gardens, 50 minutes walk outside of Brisbane Town Centre. While Tall one showered a drunk Australian woman sat down in his chair next to Small one and started talking a load of old shit. Tall one came back from the shower and the old hag cawed old to him “where you from then?”, he replied “England”, to which she replied “oh we don't want to talk to you then”, Tall one said “fair enough” and kept walking. Finally she left after Small one's hints.

Walked into town the 4km route and met Irish Eliza in a hostel pub, not having seen her since Sydney. She had been eating well and brought a friend along who's boy friend looked like David from Coronation Street. Eliza told a story how she'd been phoning round some flat room to let adverts, one man answered and said how he was very lazy, she said that was okay, but then he continued and said 'know I am so lazy I don't get dressed sometimes and walk around the flat naked, the Asian girl renting the other room doesn't mind....'. Small one had three beers and was pissed and noisy. Shouting at the two very small and strange anorexic looking girls opposite, and then at the Lesbian wearing boxers shorts who joined them? We left not long after Small one started throwing coasters at them.

Friday 19th February 2010
Small was hung over and did lots of pooing. Took the bus to town and saw The Hurt Locker at the cinema, then went to some shop with a million second hand books. It was an exciting morning. Back to the Caravan Park where the tree full of parrots above the car had shit all over it. Lesbains had moved in to the spot next door, and the men's toilets seemed over run with pink Geckos walking on the ceiling.

Back into town around 7pm to meet Small one's Irish schoolhood friend, Fionn. After the effect of a few beers the night before, it was to be a quiet night. Walked to the bar Fionn had recommended, past Brisbane square were people were watching 'Forbidden Planet' projected onto a big outside screen. Fionn had said the bar is covered shoes and jeans only. Tall and Small went in sweating head to toe only to find everyone inf lip flops and shorts. They stayed for one drink, but the place was noisy and too busy. They met him and his partner further down the road and sat outside a bar. After more beers the quiet night seemed to have vanished and Small one led everyone to another bar where he brought yaggerbombs. Small one and Fionn were pissed as farts, the bouncer eventually kicked everyone out when they started standing on stools and singing Irish songs waving a flag up high. They parted and Tall one tried to find the bus stop back while Small one fell asleep on a bench at 2am. Finally he waved down a taxi who said to Tall one that his friend did not look to good. Dropped off outside the Caravan Park Tall one under paid the taxi driver compared to Small one tipping $5 to the one the night before), whilst Small one threw up over a fence by the road and then o the tree by the camper van.

Wednesday 17th February 2010

Finally left NSW after a long drive and through Tweeds Head entered QLD and the Gold Coast strip. Took fifteen minutes stood outside a shop waiting for it to open to realize that QLD are an hour behind on there time, as they voted to not do Day light savings like NSW. That must get confusing if you live on the border. Had a meal on the coast, a useless foreign waitress came up and asked if we wanted to order. Of course. We asked for a sandwhich each and a side of fries. She came back 2 minutes later and asked if we both wanted fries or just one, we said one. She came back another 2 minutes later and asked what bread we wanted, we said white. 2 Minutes later a male waiter came up and said our order was very confusing, we did not have brown bread, would we like wholemeal, white or turkish? When we came to pay they did not even charge us for the fries anyway.

The Gold Coast was a nice stretch with pure white, smooth sands and blue waters stretching up to sky scrapers and palm trees, it looked like Miami. Unfortunatley, as Bruce and Bev had warned, te Queensland drivers were a law upon themselves. We had cars beeping us for five mintue sjust because we were driving 5 km slower than the speed limit, and when one over took they shouted angrily out the window to us, “YOU DRIVE LIKE A POOFTER!”.

Stopped at Burleigh Heads on Gold Coast to try and stay the night on beach front. The whole beach front was full of sour faced women jogging up and down the footway. Three other campers there and we asked them if it was okay to stay the night here. They said they;d asked a policeman who said he was not bothered, he could not do anything about it, it was just the Council and they close at 6pm. At 7.30pm two council workers came and said we could not stay the night, we mentioned what the police said and they responded by saying what we were doing now, by utlizing the back of the van we were breaking the law. All we were doing was sat in the back on the Internet and it was still evening. When they left an old boy in one of the other campers came over and said “what did those fuckers want?!”. We moved on and drove for 60km up and down the highway looking for a rest area we could stop in. There was none, and in the end we stopped in a car park behind a Police Station all nigh.