Aug 2nd - Sept 25th 2011

Sunday 25th September 2011

Tall one had arranged for a day off work, it would be the first day for tall and small off together for about a month and a half. The Niagra Falls day trip was booked through tall one’s hostel, so he got one free ticket.

They picked up outside Canadiana Hostel at 9.10am along with half a dozen other guests which tall one had sold the Niagra tickets to the day before. Another hour of pickup sin Toronto before a 2 hour drive to Niagra. Tall and Small were both shattered and the bubbly, chirpy, wanna-be-comedian tour guide on the mic was a little tedious doing the same schtick he does everyday.

Half hour stop at the top of the falls with a direct look out down into the main Canadian falls horseshoe. Very wet and constant drizzle meant they were both soaked in less than a minute. Then down to the Maid of the Mist boat trip which went up the river to the foot of the Canadiana falls. It wasn‘t as wet as expected, seem to depend on the wind. Some poor woman on crutches from the coach had to struggle down the ramp to the loading bay and back up again. Weather was sunny all day as well, so only got wet from the falls.

A walk round the town of Clifton hill itself, which was all pretty tacky with bad wax works and amusement machines. A ride round the sky view wheel for a good lookout along with a Wendy’s burger. Then back on the bus around 3pm.

There were some scheduled stops at a vineyard and Niagra-On-The-Lake. However the bus broke down for an hour by the side of the road and we had to wait while listening the the guide trying to do some group motivating jokes.... Then due to the delay we had to miss the vineyard stop but were given a mouthful of wine on the bus which they brought from a liquor store – as if we were all alcoholics only along for the wine tasting itself and not to actually see a vineyard. Niagra on the Lake was a nice, old-style scenic town by the lake, it was just coming into Autumn (of Fall) and so the leaves were nice colours. Finally back to the City at around 8pm and dropped off on Jarvis street by the Garden Hilton Hotel. The guide desperately peddled for tips, but got none. The falls were well worth a visit, shame they had turned the town around it into a naff Las Vegas instead of keeping it more like Niagra-On-The-Lake.

Thursday 8th September – Saturday 24th September 2011

Another mouse in the house! After another week of the peanut butter being licked clean caught a big fat mouse (looked more like a small rat). Then the licking continued, and no such luck with this new mouse hunt. Brought some pink rat poison from the dollar store (probably just sherbet) and the new mouse (or mice) seem to have taken the bait this last week, so will see if the smell of rotting rodent soon comes to us.

Small one still knackered at work. Promoted to supervisor working mon-fri 11.30am till 8.30pm he has had to deal with all the tantrums of the staff who seem to turn to a ball of tears from being told their shift is changing by an hour. Even a full grown man burst into tears when small one told him he was chatting to much and was missing dirt on his cleaning route. Work gave him a blackberry phone to take calls from staff when they couldn’t show up, small one had it a few days and it went off 5-6 times a morning with a woman asking to speak to “David”. He gave the phone back to them and said he didn’t want it and suggested there was nothing he could do on his day off for staff who couldn’t come in ill anyway??

Tall one was being given more reception shifts. Either the 8.30am till 5pm or 5pm till 1.30am shifts. The evening ones meant that some days he wouldn’t see the small one at all. He also got $1 pay rise which was very exciting. Tall one is still very bemused how some of those staff have kept their jobs. With the middled aged alcoholic still not turning up some days at all, and the American skater lad having a big argument with a guests who looked at him funny and threatened to hit the “fuckin faggot” – this was over heard by the Manager who told him to remember that he did work here. The little Chinese girl “Yoko” who cleans the toilets came into reception one morning and said to tall one “do you know bastard?”. Tall one asked her to repeat and she said again “do you know bastard?”. Tall one said “sorry bastard, who do you mean?”. She repeated “do you know English bastard?”. Tall one was thinking the many Irish staff had finally rubbed off on her. Then she continued with “boy band bastard??”. Tall one finally clicked and said “oh Busted?! The boy band... didn’t they split up ten years ago?”. Yoko responded, “yes they did, I like bastard, i like James he’s cute... see you later” and that was that. On the many walks back from the hostel to home Tall one had covered every possible route just to entertain himself to a small degree. He had also got to know many of the tramps faces, and on Dundas Street had been offered packets of cigerattes or a single block of cheese for purchase?

One Thursday evening tall and small shared off work they headed up the CN tower. It was a long elevator ride up and was a lot higher than expected. The restaurant was about $15 for a soup so they waited till they left and brought a $3 hotdog by the Rogers Centre. One night small one was woken up by shouting and looked out the window to see some policeman chasing a man on the roof tops over the road, the policeman were shouting “stop you gook bastard!”, of course this all sounded like a dream to tall one. The following nights all they saw were racoons outside the window which were now coming out more and more as the weather was getting colder. The skin tag removal kit brought from shopper drugs mart finally killed the tag under his arm after almost 2 months of use. It finally turned the human rice crispy into a sultana then it fell off.... nice story.

Wednesday 31st August - Wednesday 7th September 2011

Matt Romot was leaving Canada to go back to Melbourne, so met him for a farewell drink in The Imperial (the same pub we met Padraig off the bus and was overcharged twice). Sat outside on balcony with his friend Jack again, next to some piss head betting everyone he could down a glass faster than anyone, next to two lesbians sitting with their knickers up in the air. When the lesbians left, one of them left their zippo lighter on the table which Mat pocket cheerfully. On Tall and small’s way out they reminded the Lesbian about her lighter just so she would go back in and get it off Matt.

Sat out the front of Pembroke House one night and chatted to a couple of the tenants, Max and William. William lived downstairs in the entire basement which had three entrances... he’d been here for 7 years. Max and William were pretty drunk and so was small one, so tall took small one to bed as he was up in a few hours for work. They did find out from William that Mr Dennis owned 3 hostels in this block, and seemed to use a completely different name other than Dennis at each one.

Small was working long 12 hour shifts for the opening week of the Eaton Centre’s new food court. Given an ear piece like a CSI he was complimented by all the food stalls he delivered plates to as well as the food court managers, who al presumed he was also a manager or a supervisor. He had turned down supervisor role, and so the role was given to a couple of young lads who had since walked out on the job, they found out when they found his uniform just dumped on the floor after he’d gone missing. Finally small one’s hours were sorted at 8.30am till 5pm, but he was still run ragged all day pushing trolleys of plates and strangled by his shirt and red tie. Tall one went to meet him at work one day and was given a free phone voucher by a man dressed as a Gorilla.

Tall one was still waiting to get set hours at Canadiana backapckers, with the manager on honeymoon for 2 weeks and the assistant manager leaving in a week he was getting more idea of his role. The other new girl was becoming more of a spare part, and she wasn’t being trusted with any reception shifts. Still tall one was enjoying his walks to work, stepping over the sleeping tramps with piss stains from their crotch to their shoes. Stopping off for a coffee in Tim Hortons, as he walked in a tramp in a stained white t-shirt held the door for him and asked if he had change for a coffee. Tall one said “yes that’s why i’m going in”. Then on one of the night shifts he was training for, on the walk home he saw the infamous unicycle man, dressed in a Bon Jovi t-shirt and purple trousers who travelled around the Church and Jarvis street area a good 5 ft off the ground on his unicycle. A mother and child look wondrously at him and the child shouted to him “where are you going!?”, the unicycle man gave the kid an evil eye and kept cycling. Tall one was exhausted more from the double shifts and the endless walk to work and back, compared to tiredness from the work itself. Over the next few weeks though he was promised less doubles and more single reception shifts.

Sunday 28th – Tuesday 30th August 2011

Toronto was filled this week with the death of some Canadian politician Jack Layton. The Cities people took to the streets armed with coloured chalk and wrote tributes all up the paving slabs, concrete footways and walls surrounding the new town hall. It was nice to see people acting like lunatics in a positive way for a change.

Though n update on this weeks lunatics include a white bearded man walking along Queen Street running up to people waiting to cross the road and trying to kick them in the face, then running off laughing and doing it to someone else. There was also another tramp on Queen street sat with some pale girl holding a cardboard sign saying “I’m McHungry and I ain’t Lovin’ It”.

The worst lunatic of the week however goes to the tramp on Dundas Street spotted by small one on his way into town. This smelly old man walking in front of him had his hand down the back of his trousers, looked like he was having a good old scratch down there. But then after a minute or more he took his hand out his trousers clutching a handful of his own excrement which he shook off his hand onto the pavement just outside Pizza Hut, then kept on walking. A few hours later small one came back past the same lump of excrement which had by now turned hard and black and was covered with bees. You could really write some great poetry in this City....

A quick work update has small one starting in the Eaton Centre food court for a trial run on Tuesday afternoon, before the grand opening this Thursday. Given black trousers and a shirt about 6 times to big, he got the trousers turned up but still found that the trousers crotch was hanging down between his legs. Luckily he had brought some second hand trousers in a thrift store. Tall one was meanwhile being worked to death with doubles at Canadiana, but now thankfully had three days off in a row. Next week the manager was on a 2 week holiday and the same second week the assistant manager was leaving for good and so some regular hours will hopefully be worked out.

Thursday 25th – Saturday 27th August 2011

Finally caught Jerry! Was watching Criminal Minds when the trap went off inside the oven. The peanut butter did it, and Jerry was dead to rights, he was very small though and we suspected he may have family still residing inside the broken oven and so kept the traps out.

After the excitement of killing a mouse Tall one went to work and was given four days in a row doing doubles of 9am-2pm then 7pm-9/10.30pm. They seemed like very long days and as the walk to work was half an hour each way was walking 2 hours a day.... To top it off he’d burnt his thumb on a pop tart and was suffering from a bad blister all week. Work was a bit weird at the moment as full of language students so very few check in and outs. The students are all a bit wet behind the ears, one lad asked tall one how to cook instant noodles and the lad showef tall one how he was trying to cook them in a plastic takeaway tub filled with cold water in the microwave... tall one had to show him what an oven top and a saucepan looked like. There was also some girl who was opening about 20 of those little UHT Milk cartons and pouring them into a glass to get a glass of milk, opposed to paying the 75c for a carton.

Tall was struggling to understand how some of the staff were still working there. After the night shift guy got drunk and put his head through the glass door and woke up covered with blood needing stitching . Then Vera the loud blonde woman who organized a 10pm Club night, then just got drunk and never showed up (but yet everyone seemed to just laugh it off as if that’s what they expected to happen). Finally the young American skater type lad who talks a load of shit all morning and on Friday punched a guest in the throat for knocking his sun glasses off. All very interesting. But it is Toronto, and he’d noticed on the way to work in the mornings the streets are lined with tramps lying asleep in the middle of the path on sheets of card board. It’s like walking through some plague epidemic, having to step over bodies on the path every block, and its the same every morning.

Meanwhile small one was taking it easy before the food court job started on Thursday. Most days seeing if he could go 24 hours without leaving the flat or seeing daylight. He did however manage to catch the mummy mouse, presumably Jerry senior. Small even filmed the mummy as she lay choking to death kicking her back legs out as she died. Of course small did get out the house occasionally, and even went food shopping one day where outside No Frills supermarket a tramp with his begging cup in hand was screaming at some woman that she was a bitch, and small one thought it would be a good idea to give him $1.75 a wish him a good weekend. Small also encountered another weirdo who was pointing at some poor woman’s dog and shouting that the dog must be a robot. Hmmm. How tall and small have not been killed in this City is a miracle.

Wednesday 24th August 2011

Padraig’s last day with tall and small. As he was getting over his throat infection decided to go out to Toronto Island, though today the weather was pissing with rain. Stopped in the Union Train station to pick up Padraig’s train ticket to New York for 8am the next morning., though the Amtrak ticket desk is only open from 6am till 1pm it was closed for 1 hour (10-11am) for the woman’s lunch break!! After a long wait got the tickets, went for lunch in PJ OBriens Irish Bar, where we were served three cups of tea by an Irish girl and Padraig moaned that the cauliflower soup had too much blue cheese in it.

Headed out to the Island, $6.50 return. Walked from Ward’s harbour to the centre, Ward’s end was almost deserted. The centre was filled with children and a naff fun fair ride. Got lost trying to find the next ferry out of there. Got home exhausted from so much walking. Tall one went out to buy some semi skimmed milk and on the way home a man on a bicycle came past and looked at him and said “would you like to suck my arse you fucking arsehole!”.

That night there was a very long, dramatic lightning storm across Toronto. Early next morning Padraig left for New York where it was then announced a hurricane was coming.

Thursday 18th – Tuesday 23rd August 2011

Out foxed by that dastardly mouse again!! Now with all 3 glue traps and all four mouse traps baited with sugar puffs, fruit cake and cheddar around our small kitchen, Thursday afternoon tall one sat on the bed reading saw the little mouse creep out from under the oven and step around all the traps and come and head into the bedroom. When tall one moved he darted back under the oven and preceded to peep out now and again while tall and small sat waiting for him armed with large ice creams brought from a passing ice cream van on Pembroke street. Round two to the mouse.

Small one’s brother Padraig came, had a tour of Toronto with small one and said that Harlem was a safer place that here. Mr Dennis had kindly provided him with a small room downstairs with no air con, and so sweating it out all night Padraig ended up with a throat infection. Saturday morning Mr Dennis’ colleague knocked on Padraig’s door and said she was showing an American student round.

The next step with the mouse, now known as Jerry, was to add peanut butter to the traps. After some internet research it is apparently irresistible to them. However on the morning of Monday it was found he’d managed to lick the peanut butter clean off two of the traps without setting them off.... round three to Jerry....

Small one finished his last shift at Eaton centre food court on Thursday, then on the Monday evening started his new job at The Pickle Barrel Bar/ Restaurant up from Dundas square. He was told it would just be a couple of hours watching food orders to get to know the food. He was there for 7 put behind a manic bar, with a rude, arrogant foreign bar man (“keep out of my way!”) who was to show him how to make the 52 cocktails on their list. This as on top of the 300 food items to learn on the menu. While working he found out if customers under pay the server in charge of there table has to pay for their food out their wages. On that night a girls group table left leaving the cash for payment on the table but under paid by $50. She was told it was coming out her wages.... until a hour later one of the group came back and said how one of the group got home bragging how he did not throw in so they made him pay and came back. Small also found out, when he poured a pint of Bud instead of Bud Light that any miss-pours were to come out his wages as well, unless you can resell the drink to a customer. At the end of the night small got home a wreck and vowed not to go back. E-mailed the Eaton centre woman and managed to get his food court job back to start Thursday next week.

Meanwhile tall one was going well in Candiana hostel on his fifth week now and finally given full time hours. It was a good sign they were pleased with him as the other new person who started the week before him for training was only being given 15 hours a week. When he came to do his first full shift covering reception on his own with only the new girl as back up on the Monday he found out why. She did not have a clue what tall one was doing with all the electronic booking systems, she kept asking what are you doing now, can you show me this and that, ooh you’ve got notes thats a good idea..... and she started before him and has had the same training. The Sunday had been very busy with 50 language students checking in, a busy morning where previous guests had not checked out and had gone for the day, and with 50 students waiting to check in all the previous guests stuff had to be thrown out into the hallway, their locker padlocks cut off and their belongings al brought to reception. They weren’t happy when they showed up after going out for the day to find all there stuff sitting in a corridor. Tall had to field lots of bizarre calls on reception. One woman phoned up and said she wasn’t staying with us but did we know how to get to another hostel called Castle Backpackers.... The new girl answered and gave her directions, then 5 minutes ater she phoned back and tall one answered. She said she still did not understand the directions to get to this hostel and started listing off subway stops down the phone to him, tall one stopped her and said “so hang on what hostel is it you are going to?” “the Castle Inn like i said” “well might i suggest you call the actual hostel and ask them for directions??” “well i have been trying but they don’t answer...” tall one could not blame them. Tall one had also had to go to a staff meal on the Thursday evening as it was 3 staff’s birthdays that month. The meal had been hyped up for weeks as the cleaner Teresa (little Spanish lady?) was cooking and her food was hyped to he incredible. Even when tall one came to be queuing for the food they were still telling him that this was going to be an experience for him.... Well it wasn’t, maybe it was the hype, but it all seemed to be very greasy food. Tall one was the only one who didn’t finish his meal. He then left after an hour and didn’t say goodbye, he doesn’t like saying goodbye, not too keen on big group dinners either.

Back at Pembroke, Padraig was coughing his guts up with a sore throat and chest infection. Tuesday morning had a trip up town to buy some heavy duty mouse traps.... this was war.... Came back with two heavy duty traps. One old style about the size of a shoe, and the other a different, plastic clip design which was supposed to be more effective. He was surely dead this time...??

Friday 12th August – Wednesday 17th August 2011

Tall and Small both working this week. Small was to give up and hand in his notice to the Eaton Centre food court on the Wednesday after finding out that his wage wasn’t all that good as out of that has to come non refundable contributions to Canada Pension, Canada Employment Insurance, Union Contributions and Tax. He did manage to salvage the bar job at The Pickled Barrel just up from Dundas Square, who he blew out on the Monday but went in Tuesday and was told they had still not found anyone and he’d be welcome. Expecting to make $50-$200 extra a day on tips he went with that one.

The week he worked for the Eaton centre was still surreal. Unpacking the endless crates and palettes of plates and trays for the new food court. Stuck working with a lot of 18 year olds. Oneday he was working with a young black fella and a young Korean guy. The Korean guy hadn’t said a word to anybody since arriving and blurts out to small and the black fella “How do you get girls? I’ve never had one... how do you go about it”. The black fellas responce was that he was “a nigger and just raped them in the park!”. I think his joke was lost on the nervous Korean guy. They told him he should go to the pub but him and the Korean were a year too young to drink anyway, and after many discussions about first and second and third bases the Korean guy said that they should all go out at Christmas time when he turns 19 and help him get a girlfriend. Small and the black fella agreed, and the Korean guy got their phone numbers and told them they’d not see him again as he was only working part time evening shifts when they were on full time day shifts, so “see you in December!”.

Meanwhile Tall one was progressing in the hostel job, despite having a very bad sore throat, probably brought about by the endless air con needed in that flat. Working with a curious bunch of people, including a middle aged Canadian woman with bleach blonde hair with pink tips who will not shut up abou her problems to everyone, and on the Friday Tal showed up to find her pissed in the laundry room, could not even press a button without help. She was supposed to be doing the wine and cheese night an hour prior, had not even started but had drunk a bottle of vodka.... jesus. Somehow she managed to get the cheese and wine out 2 hours late, and walked round the hostel drumming up business by shouting “get the fuck out here” to the residents.... The owner was here for all of this and never spoke to her, she seems to be just put up with? A lot of training on reception for tall one for a full 8 hour day shift, finally given 37 hours next week compared to the 15 he’d been getting for the last 3 weeks (twice as much as the other new girl who started a week before him). Taking a lot of strange phone calls, and a lot of people expecting you to be bilingual and be able to speak fluent Spanish or French? One guy phoned up, sounded Mexican asking o speak to a Kevin. No Kevin works here sorry. Okay, when he work? Kevin doesn’t work here.... Ok what is Kevin’s number.... I don’t know any Kevin this is a hostel is he staying here?..... Kevin at work?..... Kevin works for you does he?..... Where is Kevin what his number?..... I don’t know Kevin if you give me his last name and if he is staying here i can give him a message thats all?..... oh I have extension number for Kevin oput me through to 6678..... we don’t have any extensions here for Kevin, this is a hostel.... okay put me through to Kevin..... i can’t i said... what number is reception..... this is reception you are speaking to..... what is number for reception..... the same number you dialled you called me.... ok it is fine goodbye. The guy hangs up, then 10 seconds later the phone goes Hello Canadiana Backpackers.... hello yes put me through ot extenson 6678..... i just spoke to you and i told you we have no extension numbers, no phones in room, this is a backpackers Kevin has given you the wrong info. It was a long day.

Back at 96 Pembroke Street in our flat Small one had thought he’d seen a mouse behind the oven, so on Tuesday tall one went ut and brought some large mouse traps. Setting the traps up either side of the oven, with big lumps of cheese Tall one felt like some kind of Tom and Jerry cartoon. Meanwhile the smoke alarm went off again, this time it was the Asian fella living directly below them (who plays quite loud computer games at night) and tall one found him fanning the smoke alarm with a tea towel, wearing just a t shirt and pants. Small and Tall had both noticed that this was all they ever saw this guy wearing, no matter what time of day, just t shirt and pants.... it was as if he didn;t own a pair of trousers.

Wednesday came around and in the late afternoon Small One’s brother is coming to stay for a week. Small had asked landlord Mr Dennis to reserve him a room for Padraig a few weeks ago and was told yes yes fine. He had already paid and confirmed and re checked with Dennis each week. Now the day before Dennis tells him sorry we are full, your brother will have to stay 2 nights in his other hostel a few blocks over.... Small one was firm and said, No he’d paid a lot of money for this room and given plenty of notice, it had to be in one of these houses here at 94/94 Pembroke Street. Mr Dennis then spent the night re furbishing one of the run down student rooms in 96, and was still sweating away as usual on Wednesday morning. Small one double checked and Mr Dennis said it would all be ready by the evening...... Meanwhile up in the flat that dastardly mouse had got away with the two lumps of cheese from both mouse traps without springing them. He may have won this round but Tall one baited the traps differently this time so he could not just take the cheese without having to steps on the trap.

Thursday 11th August 2011

Small one had another day unpacking packs of boxes for the food court, Tall one had another day checking beds and checking people in and out of the hostel. Neither still had full time hours for the month, as Tall one was still training on 15-20 hours a week and small one had sporadic days of training and unpacking until the start on 1st Sept.

Small one came back from work today to find a tramp with a shopping trolley parked up inside our garden. He had our dustbin open and was tearing open our black bags of garbage and rifling through chucking out any cans or bottles onto his trolley to claim back the 10c a can. Small one went back down with our box of 24 empty Candian beer bottles and gave them to him. The tramp said he was respecting our privacy and would put everything back once he’d checked through it all, he then clocked the brand of beer and said the people here used to drink Corona... perhaps they moved out.

Tuesday 9th – Wednesday 10th August 2011

Interesting role reversal, Small one started work today and tall one had 2 days off. Small one’s new job in the Eaton Centre Food Court (opening Sept 1st) started by sending him and 5 other new employees to the 27th floor of the office building to receive palettes and palettes of new crockery and trays and unpack it. These palettes were sent up in the lift and will later be sent back down to be washed... Many many hours of unwrapping and piling plates over and over again. Good view of the City though, even though small one got a headache from going up and down that lift so many times. The first day they brought everyone pizzas, which the bill came to $200! He said they wouldn’t be doing that again. The next day they were given a bag of hot coffee, dohnuts and cans of Coke Zero. On small one’s way back walking up Dundas Street he could here some violent sounds of vomiting behind him and turned, seeing no one. Carrying on the vomiting sounds continued, he noticed other pedestrians also looking around for the source of this very loud sound. Then he saw it, a tramp riding a bike in the road was slumped forward over the handle bars throwing up as he rode over the vomit that hit the ground.... nice.

Tall one had a wonder round the City on his day off, paying the expensive phone bill, cinema and flag shopping. He thought he’d try and explore the famous underground path system which covered the whole of the CBD. Entering by the new town hall he went up and down various stairs, struggling to find any clear signs except for ones which said “Wolf” “Goose”

“Pig”? It was all very confusing and after 20 minutes went back up above ground only to find he’d come up about 10 foot away from where he had first entered it. Sitting for a coffee in Tim Hortons later on, Tall one watched out the window as a hand ful of large hale stones fell from the sky and landed in the road outside. It was a bit bizarre as it was quite a hot summers day and he noticed pedestrians stopping to look at these hale stones. When he left the coffee place he looked for himself only to see that it was loads of chips of marble size glass that had fallen from one of the many very tall, modern sky scrapers above. Whatever had fallen was broke before it hit the ground, he felt like a CSI, but decided not to pursue the investigation.

On his way back to the flat a crazy woman dressed quite normally but with a big mole on the side of her nose was walking the other way. She (like most of the other crazy people in the City) was arguing very loudly to herself and gesturing very widely with spread arms. Tall one took a side step to avoid her swinging arms only to be accosted by her aggressively asking what all that side stepping was about when he saw her coming? Tall one told her he did not know and her response was that he ought to be careful cos he’d get a bullet in his head.... nice.

Tuesday 2nd August – Monday 8th August 2011

Another fun week in Toronto. You can’t throw a rock in this City without hitting someone severely mentally ill. On tall one’s walk home from work he past a middle aged woman dressed in Tartan trousers lying on her side on the steps of the Old City Hall completely laughing her head off while clutching a kebab....? Just past her was a black guy at a traffic crossing kicking the hell out of the air.

Small one continued his job hunt, including a cafe in the extensive underground shopping mall and a bar job in a bowling alley, neither came off or matched the hourly wage of the food court job coming up in the Eaton Centre. The Eaton Centre food court agency had phoned small one to see if he could come in Monday coming as they were having 900 plates and sets of cutlery delivered and needed someone to unpack, check and wash each plate.... small one can’t wait.

Meanwhile tall and small had asked Mr Dennis to fix the grill in the top oven. He came up all sweaty after sitting despondently staring into space on the front doorsteps of the house for a good half an hour. He then started banging away at the top grill elements into something made a big bang and flash.... he had forgotten to unplug the oven. He left it for the night to get the part he needed next morning, so tea had to be made in the shared house kitchen the floor below. Next day he came and fixed it in half an hour, only for the thing to go bang again when we tried to bake Michael Caine’s jacket Potatoes in the oven. Dennis’ responce (sat on the doorstep again) was that he’d just replace it with one of those small mini oven/grill things.

Tall one continued his four day week, doing 4-5 hours a day on either morning or evening shift in Canadiana Backpackers. Last night a big black woman came and told him she’d blocked the toilet and to have a look. Tall one has not eaten since going into that bathroom, seeing that toilet filled completely to the brim of this brown stew, and having this big mumma telling him how she couldn’t look her room mates in the face anymore. There was also some young 20 year old student who had drunkenly set off fire extinguishers in the night and when approached about it by the manager the next morning her response was to set off the extinguisher again in front of the manager and then proceeded to throw the luggage of some other guests out the balcony. She was removed from the hostel and confirmed to be mentally unstable by her school. We then had t wait for the Japense girl to come back and be told her clothing was ruined. As the girl had set off fire extinguishers it had set off all the fire alarms, which in turn turned off all the hot water boilers. Everyone had been having cold showers all day, until that night the owner Chris got Tall one to come round and re-light the pilot lights with him. His method for doing this was to get a bit of rolled up newspaper, set fire to one end and wave it about under the gas tank until the pilot light took fire... Tall one barely made it home alive that night. On the way home in the middle of the night ruding up Dundas Street came a man riding a very tall unicycle. Peddling away with one hand held firmly over his crotch, it was a strange sight at 11.30pm. Another morning at Canadiana Backpackers Tall one was emptying ash trays in the patio when an Irish resident told him there was a Raccoon stuck in the fence. Sure enough there one was with his back leg stuck in a gap, while his body was scrabbling around the otherside. It was the first Raccoon tall one had seen, and when he told the manager he was told to get back to work while she dealt with it. That night small one took tall one ut for a drink in a small Irish Pub on Carlton. A strange place where they were given three taster pots of beer which steadily got worse and worse to taste. Board games were stacked high for people to play and the music being pumped out the speakers was old thirties jazz, the place didn’t seem to stack up properly so they left. Though small one went in for an interview a couple of days later, only to be told when he asked for the Chef who’d arranged it, that the Chef was not here and that he’d been doing this to interviewee’s all day.

On Tall one’s day off he went with Small one round the City and saw a few more sights, including the Baldwyn Steps, a couple of cafe/bars used in Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World movie and lastly up to see the Casa Loma castle. The castle was $18 to go in, so walked round the car park for ten minutes before heading back. That evening small one found on facebook’s advert page an iron, ironing board and clothes horse for sale for $10 just off Bay Street on Charles. Headed up and into their tower block, had to press one of many buzzers to get through to the couple selling their stuff off, but could only remember the guys name as John, so looked for names with the initial ‘J’ that had a sirname sounding Irish. Guessed right and the guy took us upstairs into his $1200 a month flat which him and his girlfriend had decked out themselves for the year. They talked us into buying their alarm clock for $5 as well, but we could not take their $400 sofas.... They had been here a year and were now selling up and going home at the end of their trip, just as we were arriving and setting our flat up for the year.

Canada - Toronto: July 11th 2011 - Present

Saturday 30th July – Monday 1st August 2011

Monday night the house smoke alarm was going wild, BEEP BEEP BEEP “There is a fire in the Building” BEEP BEEP BEEP.... Went downstairs past an awful lot of people hwo had moved in under our noses. The ground floor hallway leading to back kitchen was full of smoke, and the same useless Asian lad was there looking guilty “sorry sorry.... cooking” (he had done the same thing a week ago). So we went back up to the flat, but then 15 minutes later the alarm was still going off. We decided to go down into the actual kitchen as this guy was obviously an idiot. The hallway was still full of smoke and the kitchen itself (with overgrown weeds growing in through the back door) was black. The oven was black where a frying pan had caught a light, the pan was filled with lumps of charcoal and the hob was black and the oven dials were melted. He was cooking soup and had forgotten about it. We moved the still smouldering pan out into the over grown garden and told him to keep the kitchen door closed until the smoke left the kitchen, even that he didn’t understand as tall one had to go back again and close it after him.

On the work front, Tall one still training doing more work now in the hostel, but still only given about 15 hours a week which he has been told will change next month? Small one still waiting to start work on 15th August, though all that’s still vague as the posters in the shopping mall say the new food court opens 1st Sept?

On Sunday had a walk down along the harbour, via an adequate hotdog to Ireland Park where there was supposedly a memorial to the Irish Famine and Immigrants. After a long walk in the sun turned out they hadn’t finished building it yet despite a sign reading “open in Summer 2011”. Walking through the parks looking for a much needed water fountain in the hot sun, found one only to see, in dismay that a tramp was using it to wash his socks, and was ringing them out next to the fountain after soaking them under the mouth piece...

Walked inland to find an Irish Pub found online as one of the best with music sessions on Sunday. Stopped on the way to look at a pointless ‘fort’ attraction with a marching band marching to no one. Got to the Irish Pub “Foggy Dew”. It was probably one of the better ones we have found in Toronto, but no live music. The Canadian bar man who launched his hand across the bar to greet us and ask what are names were, was playing Benny and the Jets over the speakers, so no traditional Iirsh Music here. He told us how he studied to be an actor in Yorkshire... Emmerdale perhaps? The two pints we brought came to $14.... we won’t be coming back. 

Friday 29th July

Small still off work spent the day drinking coffee, cleaning the flat and getting a haircut for $40.... a regular little hosue wife. Meanwhile Tall one was bringing home the bread on his third day training at the Canadiana Hostel. The check in system was starting to make sense, and was given a morning shift to learn check out and in and also room checks. Was actually given some work to do this time and started to learn some things and piece their system and hostel together. All the staff and half the residents seem to be Irish, except for the French ones who seem to come up to reception and start speaking in French without checking if you speak it first... you’re not in Montreal now...

Told a story about this old boy named Steve staying their, who goes on about his bridge playing skills. He had been caught the night before spending 3 hours on their Hostel PC watching lesbian porn. The other story about him was that a young backpacker girl in the hostel was catching a tram at 10pm back to her flat, the old boy piped up that he didn’t want her walking to the tram stop alone and would walk her there. She awkwardly agreed and he went away for a minute and came back with an over night bag... she crept out and went to the tram alone after that.

That evening arranged to meet Matt Romot (ex Merlbourne, Corkman/Comedian) and walked up to Kennsington Markets. Sat in a bizarre, pit of a cafe and had some pitchers of beer out the front where we could watch the lunatics shouting on the streets. Matt told us that the ‘Canadian’ beer we had been drinking was shit and made us buy something else. He invited his Indian comedian friend to come and join us, who turned up annoyingly full of energy and enthusiasm. The two ‘comedians’ sat and rifted about a load of old rubbish while tall and small looked on. The Indian fella was on about “yeah they gave me no free beer! No free beer for a comedian... beer is like fuel for comedians, yeah! If you want a comedian to be funny give them beer, its like their fuel!”. Tall one was tempted to hand him the pitcher and tell him he’d better drink a lot more then. Apparently they knew each other in London as well, where Matt worked for a Dentist and the other fella worked in Debenhams.

On the way back stopped for food on Dundas street. The Russian newsagent couple were out on the street as they had setup a bizarre BBQ on the street to sell food to customers? We could see the Russian lunatic on the steps waiting for customers, but after the last strange and lengthy meeting with him we decided against it. Instead went into George’s BBQ takeaway on the corner of Pembroke and Dundas. Filled with local crack heads buying chips, we waited for our food (which was actually quite nice). The kitchen was run by about 6 members of staff, all a bit bizarre looking.

Tuesday 26th July – Thursday 28th July 2011

Small one had to amend his CV as on the header he had titled : “Curriculum Vitae – Conor Hegarty”. This had resulted in a few phone calls from prospective employers asking to speak to a Mr Curriculum Vitae.... presumably believing it was an Indian name and were slightly confused when an Irishman answered.

Small one had a few more offers, and turned down a lot. The food court role was his, but did not start for another month, and they also offered him the supervisor role there. He was also offered the role as a ‘professional sandwich maker’ .... who he will speak to today as the hours are better suited and it is closer to home and tall one’s hostel. It turned out to be a complete waste of time as when he walked in and spoke to the manager who had received his CV and request he came in, he was told that “if i had known you were Irish i would not have asked you to come.... i don’t hire people from abroad....” the guy turned out to be an arsehole, and small one complained that he should be careful what he dictates to people about who he wants to employ, and said it said in his cover letter that he was from Ireland. The guy just wished him luck and he left.

Small came back to the flat and they went to the supermarket on Carlton Street, brought a big bottle of Sunny Delight and walked back through the park to Pembroke Street, the park full of filthy beared old men with their shirts off, guts out, mumbling or shouting away to themselves (the tramps here compared to Sydney are very very loud compared to the quiet ones in Australia), Tall one did wonder if one of them pulled a knife would he have to give up his Sunny Delight? But, like most of the rough parts of Toronto you have the dirty tramps, crack heads and drunks in the foreground, but next to them are the white collar business men eating their sandwhiches on a lunch break or a couple of students necking, none of whom seem bothered by the tramps.

Meanwhile tall one had his second interview with the owner of Canadiana backpackers this time. Was taken for a coffee and had a very informal chat and this and that and was told to start the next day at 5pm. Went in Wednesday and shown around the enormous hostel, which had a bizarre system of having one main building with kitchen, reception, lounge and a tv room fitted with airplane seats. Sat awkwardly in a small crowded reception for 3 and a half hours he was shown the over complicated accounting and check in computer software, and reception was bombarded with constant enquiries from guests, from what it the weather forecast for now??, what’s the deal with Toronto zoo? Where is a good place to buy BBQ food? Can i book the niagra alls tour.... this was on top of constant phone calls and 18 check outs due just in those few hours that evening. Tall one was left to go home earlier than expected (the shifted should have been 5.30pm-1.30am), but did not think it was all that bad, it would just be very different to the somewhat sleepy 24 bed Corkman hostel.


Friday 22nd July – Monday 25th July 2011

Had a few days walking about. Small one turned down his busy kitchen job and the Senator Cafe offer. In total has handed out 100 CVs to date, printing off batches of 20 at a time. Compared to tall one who printed off 20 a week ago and handed out none, going for the electronic route. Tall one was confirmed for a meet with the boss of Canadiana hostel on Tuesday, sounds promising. Small one has 3-4 job interviews lined up for Monday-Tuesday, from bar/restaurants to cafes to food courts to counter work in a sex shop....

Weather has been relentlessly hot. Fire engines are out in full force, there were five outside our house this morning for no particular reason, dealing with a house a few doors down. On Saturday up on College street we counted 19 fire trucks and four by fours, again could not see what they were doing, it must have been one unlucky cat up a tree...

Plenty of weirdos still about. One little chap in Chinatown was playing a keyboard despite the fact he had no arms or legs... in fairness he wasn’t half bad, and seemed relatively cheerful. Dundas Square seems to have something on every weekend, with food stalls, corporate stalls and some rubbish music on stage. The flat is going well, starting to get into more of a routine, and pleased to be saving money and eating 3 meals a day at home. Canadian TV has a lot of adverts between news stories about the Norway massacre and Amy Winehouse dead, including some shameless adverts for lawyers saying “if you’ve been caught drink driving give me a call, as good people can make mistakes.....”.

Anyway. For now just waiting to both confirm jobs this week, and hoping to get into some sort of routine for however many months we are here. Looking forward to some hideously cold weather, sick off this heat....

Wednesday 20th – Thursday 21st July 2011

Small one out again dropping off CVs, tall one came with him for the exercise. The weather has been dirty sweaty hot, with Monday being a record for Toronto at 35 degrees. Walking up to Parliament street where a lot of discount stores and supermarkets are nearby to our flat, past by two different tramps, unshaven, lying on the floor wearing these bright orange convict overalls??

Thursday, small one skipped his job offer to start at 7am in a cafe called The Senator (who don’t let people take photos of the interior or exterior). Small one instead went for the kitchen job at 2pm (which had more hours on offer). He met the manager and the chef, and was told he could be in charge of the deep fat fryer, Friday-Sunday evenings, and another two days in week...? Though still all a bit vague, but set to start work Friday morning.

Meanwhile tall one walked down to the Canadiana Backpacker hostel off Queen Street (about 30 minute walk). Had his interview with an assistant manager, which went well. A nice big hostel, lots of character, 200 rooms though.... Left and was told the owner would be in touch. But seemed promising. So, after small one handed out 60 cvs and had walked non stop in the record heat for 3 days, tall one had spent three days in air con sending a dozen or so emails.... bastard.

Tall and Small reunited in the baking hot record heat and went for a pint and an enormous foot high beef burger. Back to the flat to crowd around the air con, which now seemed inadequate... bring on the winter...

Monday 18th – Tuesday 19th July 2011

Spent the two days looking for work. At least rent was paid right up until 1st September...

Both tall and small wondered around town in the morning, small one even tried asking in The Condom Shack on Queen Street for work. On the way back they thought they saw a dead squirrel electrocuted on top of the restaurants electric name, but the waitress outside said he always lies there and minutes ago was tearing up their plants. Sure enough the squirrel began to breath again, and then we asked the waitress if they were looking for staff. Would have been better off asking the squirrel.

Back to flat and cooked some lunch. Food not too expensive here. Tall one said he was going to spent the day doing some online job hunts – and signed up and e-mailed job agencies for office work all afternoon. Meanwhile small one went around retails outlets, cafes and bars handing in CVs. He did get a promising offer from a sweet shop to be trained up to cook chocolate out the back, but never heard back. Tall one popped out to buy a few more bits for the flat and on the way back an old, fat truckie looking guy was riding up the middle of the road in an electric wheelchair, with his bruised leg stumps hanging out, cars were having to drive around him, but no one said a thing to him.

On the Tuesday same procedure as before. Small one went out in the baking hot sun and sweated his arse off walking around outlets again, while tall one sat on his arse by the air con and this time e-mailed hostels in the Toronto area for reception work. Tall one also applied for some work for small one online, including some very very lengthy online applications for Starbucks and Subway asking pages and pages of questions like “you are leaving work at the end of a shift and a confused customer comes in asking for help, do you: stay and help, direct them to someone else, leave without saying anything to them, tell them to go away....”. Finally tall one got a phone call from a hostel called Canadiania, which had good reviews online. They asked him to come in for an interview on Thursday. Meanwhile small one got a possible job as a cook in a restaurant in Dundas Square, and was told to “stop looking for work” and come back on Thursday to meet the chef to see if he was happy.... so not looking too bad.

Came back to flat and had a beer, small one tried to connect on Skype to his father and brother at the same time, it all got jammed, and no one could hear the father speaking, but he kept speaking anyway... Then on to the discount stores for a laptop charger for small one’s was broken. On the way back a bus had crashed into the side of a car at a junction, and all the local boys ran over to point and laugh in the drivers face.

Sunday 17th July 2011

Paid Mr Dennis his money and was told we could move right in but would have to clean ourselves. Managed to keep the towels from the old hostel room at least. Settled in okay, and headed out to buy some household items. Small one desperate to save every cent he could, and tall one thinking we are here for at least 8 months I am going to spend a dollar on teaspoons.... much to small one’s dismay who wanted to use dessert spoons for everything to save a buck.

At least we found some nearby discount stores and cheap supermarkets (on Parliament Street) just five minutes away, and we did not have to go to the one at the bottom of Sherbourne Street anymore which was next to the queuing, fighting gangs standing outside Salvation Army.


Saturday 16th July 2011

Looked for more flats online as still not sure about the expensive one next door – nice flat, really really rough area, and too much money. One e-mail was a clear scam who said $700 for 2 bed apartment, but he is in Manchester UK and will post keys express when we pay him deposit, and we cannot view flat in person, only see photos.... hmmm. Anyway, got one viewing this morning way over other side of Little Italy via Korea Town, just a block up from the low ceiling flat yesterday... so an hours walk in the baking hot sun.

Headed out and stopped for a bagel and coffee in a cafe, where the whole 15 minutes we were their their fire alarm was going off and announcing that the fire brigade was on their way... no body batted an eye lid and carried on with service. Walked through Bloor Yorkville suburb and on through Korea Town, finally found this flat above a solicitors, and took some working out which door to knock on. Answered by a Canadian guy who seemed confused and lead us upstairs to a girl in a dressing gown who had arranged to meet us at this time. She lead us into her room which was very messy and we asked “is it you who are going then?”. She said no, that she was showing us her bedroom as we have to walk through it to get to the room to let... oh right. So in the corner of her room past the bed was a curtain drawn, and in their was a double room, no ensuite or anything, just a curtain between them. We said no straight away and left, as could not understand how you could live their using a strangers bedroom as a through fair, whether it be at 10pm when you get back from work you have to pass through as she’s shagging some bloke, or if you had to leave at 6am and sneak past her in bed asleep??? So, long walk back to hostel in the baking sun.

Back at hostel just went with the apartment next door assuming that lots of students move to the street next month as told by Mr Dennis, and so it can;t be that rough?? Can it?? Spoke to Mr Dennis who wanted $400 for us to move in Monday and stay till end of month, another $900 for August (then pay 1st of each month) and then $900 bond/depost.... lots of money. But, still we agreed.

Friday 15th July 2011

Stayed in flat hunting online until midday. Went to look at an apartment directly opposite us on Pembroke Street (no. 109 where Jay the Taiwan bank clerk said he lived). Arranged a time and stood outside for an hour waiting for this Greek woman to turn up. It was an interesting hour though... met a lot of the tenants. This strange bedraggled grey haired woman came up the path leading his very small Shitsu puppy, and without saying a word to us sat down on the door step and watched it eat the grass. She stayed there for the full hour, and said hello to the black fella who came in, who she told the puppy doesn’t roll on it’s back for just anybody, when he went to stroke it. After him came a woman who she greeted as “Hi Steffanie!” to which came a man’s voice exclaiming about her new puppy. Steffanie was a very unconvincing transvestite, in tight skirt and top on her very bulky manly body. She stayed and chatted for a bit with the woman, who told Steffanie that Friday night at 4am she had to phone the police, this was because she was awoken by a loud banging sound outside. The banging sound turned out to be a naked man down the side of the house breaking red bricks in half and putting them into the air con machine.... Steffanie’s responce was at least you knew he didn;t have a weapon on him, next time call me and i’ll go down...

Finally the Greek landlady turned up and showed us up to the 4th floor, a messy studio flat (which they call a Bachelor flat). It was $800 a month and came with no internet, and a years term. We left and did not take it. Though the current owner of the Pembroke Hostel 94, who is Chinese and answers to the name of Mr Dennis said he had a flat available. Turned out to be in 96 Pembroke street next door. It was again top floor, but actually very nice, spacious, separate kitchen, bathroom, big desk space, sky light, air con etc etc. Though his was $900 a month and came with internet. This was a lot, but compared to his HOSTEL which was $420 a WEEK for 2, $900 a MONTH for 2 in your own flat was much better.

Had one more to look at and walked for an hour up College street to Ossington Ave. It was a lovely street but the flat was a back, basement room which did not feel safe. A small Chinese man greeted us and laughed as parts of the flat had only a 6ft ceiling, so tall one being 6ft 3inchs wasn’t too handy in it. It was grubby, a fair size, good location (in Little Italy with lots of cafes for work, but long way from CBD), but no furniture at all. It was however only $650 a month for 2 people. We decided against it and went home.

On way back stopped at three different Irish pubs, each getting worse as we went. The first was alright, chatted to the Canadian staff and drank Canadian beer. Next one was big and empty with very military lined up tables and chairs. The staff were bored and had on 5 tv’s at once. One with UK Darts with Ted the Count Hanky losing badly, another with Baseball, and another with The Bridge on the River Kwai movie which the staff were engrossed in... Stopped in at Pogue Mahone’s which was a bit snobby, so left without a drink. The last one, Mickey Finn’s was served by an arsehole Canadian guy who charged us $2 more per beer than the others and kept the change and did not give it back. When we asked him for it he took it off the side of the till where he’d been keeping it. We left shortly after.

Had a dinner in a cheap cafe/restaurant next to the Russian newsagents. It was very empty and the only customers were a pair of Chinese corpses and what looked like a black hooker buying takeaway. The 2 of us sat down at a table of four, which didn’t matter as the table cloth was already dirty and watched as all the locals in the Pembroke road area walked past with boxes and boxes of booze. Had our dinner, which the restaurant claims to be international food with a Caribbean flare? There was no flare in this place, it was Chicken bones served with old chips. The chicken skin on the plate looked almost muddy. Left leaving a $2 tip, still not sure what we are doing there? Back to hostel and ready for bed by 6pm.... How we are going to have the energy to work we don’t know.

Thursday 14th July 2011

Need to move out. This street is very rough. Lots of lunatics on corners talking to self, lots of homeless people, lots of large looking groups of black guys. Still also saw some black squirrels today. The rent here is one of the cheapest hostels $375 a week for 2 people in private (most others nearer $500) but compared to a room to rent for $280 A MONTH... we need to move out.

Went to Dundas square and queued for free orange juice samples, then was given some free sun flower seed samples which tall one choked on, perhaps they were not for humans? Back into the mall and went around various phone providers, Fido, Rogers, Chat-r, Wind, Virgin.... bored bored bored. Back and forth a lot round the mall and to the hostel to get the old phones to unlock. After all that ended up with fair package month to month, and small one keeping his iphone thing but losing the free facebook as it cost a lot more to have basic internet access (though can still connect when free wireless). While finishing the paperwork two girls from Athlone were arguing about their phone and offered us a room in their house with 7 other irish girls... no thank you.

Checked out some other hostels, all too expensive or had asked residents what it was like to be told unanimously “go somewhere else”.... Went down to the harbour which was quite industrial, but had a small park front which was alright. On to the tower and past a lot of baseball ticket scalpers. Up to Kensington Markets and were shattered. Stopped for a Canadian beer in a pub where the Men’s toilets locked from the outside not the inside, and the urinal had a single prawn among the cistern blocks to urinate on.

Heading back past a lot more lunatics, some very young and normal looking then you get closer and they are absolutely filthy and they are not talking on a hands free kit. Stopped for a pizza hut takeway, quite expensive pizza as well. While waiting went to the newsagent at end of our road (Pembroke) which was run by an old arguing Russian couple. In the fridge we only found large out of date milk or one small opened milk?? On our way out the Russians stopped us and interrogated us what we wanted and said he’d find us milk alright. He then cornered us and talked about irish cyclists from 1982 that shot out the start gates like an arrow! We showed him the Russian badge sewn on our bag to which he said it was about Stalin killing the independent freedom fighters... he didn’t speak to us after that and just argued with his wife in Russian. His wife asked us if we had come by earlier asking about the flat for rent. We said no and asked did she have a flat then as we were looking, her response was that no, they did not have a flat... We left quickly, and got the pizza which had a box with a bread portion bigger than the pizza.

Wednesday 13th July 2011

Up and still shattered. Breakfast in a diner on Dundas street eating next to four Canadian police officers. Had a fruit, yoghurt and granola thing, still confused about this price but then tax and tip on top afterwards. Headed into centre via a stop at an apartment block to ask for vacancies, but the little black fella at the counter said he did not know anything helpful about the building.

Printed off our super hostplus reclaim forms again, walked up Church St to the Australian embassy to get them signed off and verified. North Church Street is a large Gay village, decorated excessively with rainbows, from the street signs printed over rainbows, flags from lampposts, flat windows, all the pubs, bars, cafes, fruit stalls and butchers had rainbow flags and rainbow tinsel hung up. It was a surreal street...

Strange time in the Aussie embassy as well. A lone Aussie bloke sat behind a counter, which true to Aussie form was a half finished made counter. He was not very helpful either, typical lazy Aussie. When we told him he had to hand write on each of our 3 passport photocopies the declaration and not his stamp, he sulked and moaned for a good ten minutes. We still had to pay $31 each for the privilege though. Left and went to a gay Irish bar and noticed the Aussie guy had photocopied the wrong arrival stamp so had to walk all the way back. While tall one was away small one asked one of the bar staff in the pub if he could use their wireless. The bar staff stood and said “what?”, so small one repeated it, there was nor responce. When the barman was prompted by a manager he turned to small one and said “why can’t everyone speak the one you do”.

Then shopping again looked at more phones and brought one of those amazon kindle electronic books. Met up with Matt Romot from The Corkman, Melbourne. He’d left after we had and was now working for cash in hand in Toronto, riding round on a rusty bike he'd found and sleeping on people’s sofas. His job was as a free tour guide round city and only got paid from tips. So he asked us to pretend we were on his tour and at the end give him $20 each to get the other people to tip high... Well there was only one other person on the tour, a backpacker. But she did cough up $5, but only after we have him our money (which he shortly gave back once she was gone). Anyway, back to Church st for another expensive meal, then back to hostel via a strange Bicycle protest who were cycling slowly down the main road protesting the lack of bike lanes.

Tuesday 12th July 2011

Up and out for breakfast, the hostel / house was empty and still no Chinese man to collect our money. He said he’d be back at 11am, then phoned back and said 12....

Went out for breakfast and saw a lot of the side streets in the area were pretty rough. Walked along Gerrard street and down the main street Yonge. Got to Dundas Square the main centre, big lights, trams, video adverts, sky scrapers and water shooting things...

Had breakfast in a little diner thing, still not sure on this added tax or added tips thing. Small one ate healthy, tall one ate sausages... the staff were a bizarre mix of middle aged dishevelled men in un tidy clothes, and smart young people in uniforms... didn’t know who to speak to.

Walked round to the other Chinese hostel (there is a LOT of Chinese, all the street signs in some areas have English, French and Chinese translations) we had looked at that was cheaper but had very bad reviews. Stood at the door while this little Chinese woman spoke to three checkins of a French Family. The French spoke no English and she spoke very bad English so it took a very very long time. Shoes off at the door for us and took us a good ten minutes to tell her we just wanted to have a look round to see if we wanted to stay next week. She said we could not see a room as all full of guests at the moment, but then decided to show us the room with the French had just checked into. So after the poor french’s long confusing check in they had her open the door on them and have us walk in. We said to them just being shown around, they didn’t understand a word... so we left confused and may come back next week.

Went to the old town hall and then got directions to the new town hall. A very short process to get our SIN (tax) number, which would be posted out in card form in a week, but we were given the number on headed paper to use for now. Had a lunch down past Hard Rock cafe of a very nice chicken salad and a dark ale (the place was part brewery or something). The waitress turned out to originated from Athlone, her mother lived down near Mulligans.

Then stopped to open a bank account in TD Bank. Sat with a Thaiwan young guy called Jang who sold us this naff package, having to pay $8.45 a month in fees unless you had a minimum balanbce of $2,000, and could only make 25 transactions a month for free after that 60c charge... great. Turned out he lived on Premrboke street a few doors up from us and gave us some tips off some areas best avoided. Got one bank card there and then though.

Back to hostel to pay the China man. Back out again for some shopping, small one brought some shirts from the children’s section.... aged 11-12. While in there queueing for the changing rooms a girl in a yellow dress came out and asked tall one for his advice on it. He said it was probably best not to ask him. On there way downstairs a woman in a long blue muslim like outfit got the bottom of the dress caught in the escalator. Smal one pressed the stop button and other people went to help. Five minutes later going back up they noticed she was still stood there stuck and now nobody was helping her. Left the shopping mall after buying a coffee. A black woman came up to smallone and asked what his medal was “oh its St Christopher carrying the baby jesus”. She then wanted to now what part of Ireland he was from.... Before leaving the mall shopped round for a decent mobile phone or sim card, still no luck. Subway on the way back and now hiding in the room with the fridge, CNN News and musty spell.

Monday 11th July 2011

Teary good bye to small one’s mother and father that morning. A cheap taxi over to the bus stop and a standard bus trip over to Dublin airport. Checked in fine, but then had to go through the Australia preclearance immigration, which meant we wouldn’t have to go through at the USA end.

A lady in a booth was very abrupt speaking to us one at a time, never mentioned the Esta visa we brought, unless it was all on her screen with no problems. They scanned our finger prints, took photos of us and told us to verify a photo of our checked luggage which you could barely recognise. Small one then got a grilling as last time he entered the US for 2 weeks they did not stamp his departure and he could not remember the exact date of leaving, so off he was bundled for an interview whilst tall one went through fine.

A large black immigration officer came round and asked for tall one to bring small one’s documents for Canada with him. He looked through the proof of funds and visa and seemed satisfied and asked tall one if he was trustable. Both got through and small said he’d had these rapid fire questions fired at him “how long were you in USA? Why is there no stamps? Why are you lying? What were you doing in Vietnam?” most of which he was not given time to respond to...

Anyway got through and small one had a beer and tall had a very nice tuna melt. Aer Lingus was a bit confusing as well as we saw are selected seats (apparently selected by us) were 35a and 35c which we thought would mean we’d be set apart. When we got on the plane however the seats where labelled left to right as (number) A, C, D, E, H, I ??? So we were next to each other by the window. There was however a nun dressed in blue on the flight so they took that as a good omen, she had spent the last half an hour pacing up and down the terminal.

It was still a bit cramped, especially when the person in front put their seat back you could not see the tv screen on the back of the chair and so had to put your own chair back to view it, which meant hte person behind you had to do the same, and so a domino effect was caused down the length of the plane.... Food was adequate, though only one meal in 7 hours? They did however give us a scone an hour before landing?? Had a fantastic view of Chicago city under bright blue skies and harbour, with tall buildings as we landed, and wished we had booked a few days to stay before transferring up (we probably would have had we realized earlier on that we had to get the same visa for Chicago for 3 hours as a week?).

In Chicago did not have to go through immigration, just security twice. Sat in the airport restaurant and had a lovely pizza and two beers which came to $40!! Sat by us a large English girl and a very camp lad ordered their food mocking the American waitress. The English girl had said she was allergic to Garlic and so ordered a salad which came smothered with Garlic. The waitress took it back and after a lot of ordering and explaining came back with a plain green salad – literally just lettuce leaves and croutons – the croutons were picked out by the girl.

On to Toronto in just an hour and as we flew in over the City the sun was setting and turning the clouds purple and pink. Immigration was confusing, at first nobody seemed to know what we wanted, until finally we were set up with a couple of officers who ran through the process. They barely even asked or looked at proof of funds or insurance. Infact after being told insurance was ESSENTIAL small one showed his officer the insurance whose responce was yeah that’s probably a good thing to have i suppose”. Got through fine and pi ked up our bags, drew out some currency and headed on to airport bus.

Bus driver seemed to miss our stop (Seemed French/Canadian) and asked where we were staying and dropped us outside the hostel (thankfully, as the area seemed a bit grim at night). It was 11.30pm Toronto time by the time we went in, we had already been e-maield the door code to get in. It was basically a converted large street house, and we phoned the Chinese owner to check in, who then phoned back and said just let yourselves in and we’ll sort money tomorrow. House was alright,. Bit smelly, bit like a student or share house, but for the money got private room with fridge, tv, decent air con, chair, desk, lamp etc etc. Spent a sleepless night with tall one screaming in his sleep, to wake up still shattered in the morning.

Ireland 22nd June - 11th July 2011

Sunday 10th July 2011

Last full day and night in Ireland, bus at 7.25am tomorrow to Dublin, then the 12.50pm to Chicago and change for Toronto, landing 9pm Toronto time. Been packing and throwing stuff out of the backpacks all day, and then small one started on his stuff in the loft and went through all his old bits and pieces. Went for a last meal with small one’s mum, dad and aunt and also met another cousin working behind reception in the hotel. Tall one had finally caught up with the UK Apprentice tv series, after watching the last three seasons he’d missed while he was away.... Small one had watched and rewatched the travel videos from Australia, New Zealand, Vietnam, Thailand and London/Moscow over and over during the day as each relative dropped in to say there good byes. Settled in for the night, still sorting out last few things before leaving.

Saturday 9th July 2011

Small one up with a sore head. Small one headed out to town and did the rounds of the relatives before leaving in 2 days time. Visited half a dozen different Aunts in different homes before coming back to tall one who was trying to get some rest after being exhausted from his trip to Ireland. It had been a great trip.... but knackering.
Friday 8th July 2011

Up again for 8.45am bus to Galway. Arrived within hour and a half and walked round docks, river and the city. Rained all day, but still enjoyed it. Had some tea in a nice cafe by the water, where small one did not realize the orange juice he ordered was “Moroccan Orange Juice” for almost 4 euros... Headed back early on 1pm bus. Chilled out for afternoon then went out to Dog and Duck to meet Abba, Eddie and Paddy for a few beers. Eddie and Paddy not drinking as driving. Small one bumped into one of the session players a young bloke on the fiddle who he’d served in The Corkman Melbourne and had a lock in with. Stayed too late and was forced to have some jagermesiter shots. Taxi back which Abba jumped out of in the town so Tall and Small paid the bill home. Back at house around 2am. Tall one knocked the front door key out the letter box and so had to ring the bell for the mother to let them in.

Thursday 7th July 2011

Caught the 7.25am bus to Dublin. Just Tall and Small one doing their tour. Had a look round Guinness storehouse tour which was full of old French men and young Spanish children. Even the barmaid who served us our Irish national drink greeted us by saying “Ola!”. Headed into the City, stopped to see Dave’s pub called Lotts. Met Small one’s cousin in Searson’s where Conor used to work and chatted to the chef still working there. Back round town to the docks, up the Liffey and through Temple Bar for a pint. Back to Lotts for a meal and Smithwicks... the Guinness was turning Tall and Small’s guts over by now... Bus back was a 8pm, arrived back at 10pm at the college in Athlone and walked back to the house in the rain which took until gone 11pm. Dublin was nice.

Wednesday 6th July 2011

Small one was really really ready to leave Athlone early, sick to death of meeting people and living with the families quirky ways. A day off completely and had a lie on and did not even leave the house. Tall one edited the travel videos which took most of the day...
Tuesday 5th July 2011

Scary morning when Aer Lingus flying us to Toronto / Canada this Monday e-mailed to say that due to the 3 hour stop over in Chicago we would require to fill out the Esta immigration form online and pay the 14 euro fee. We could not see this being right as we weren’t even leaving the airport, so phoned the USA embassy. The woman on the phone said that actually as we were arriving in Canada on a working holiday visa we were not able to land in the USA on just an Esta online visa and that we actually needed a B2 visa which required an Interview at the US embassy in a weeks time. This was ridiculous and we kept explaining that we were not entering the USA we were just changing planes int he airport to Canada, she said it did not matter and that we ought to rebook a new direct flight to Toronto. We then spoke to Usit (a Canada visa provider online) who said that that was rubbish and to just do the esta online form, so thats all we’ve done. So now have to worry about immigration in the USA for 3 hours andf the immigration to get into Canada...

Anyway, then up town, pint in the Shack, then round to see Eddie, Eleana and Emma’s house. Was a huge and very nice house, but the dog was on speed and kept humping everybody’s legs.

Monday 4th July 2011

Today was the trip to Croagh Patrick, the 2nd highest mountain in Ireland. Picked up by small one’s cousin, Alma and her boxer dog Vito. On the 2 hour drive up was pulled over by police as they said there camera had picked up that her tax disc did not match the car rego which was not taxed at all. They said they could confiscate the car, but thankfully did not.

1.10pm At Croagh Patrick started at the bottom ignoring the wooden simple cut walking sticks for sale at 3 euros or rental at 1.50?? Half an hour in Alma and Vito were struggling, she opted out of the race and said she’d continue at her own pace and meet us at the top. Tall and small ventured on alone, past a lot of old men, women and children doing the walk dressed like they were on the way to a shopping mall, no rucksacks, no water, no proper clothing... Past an old man coming down dressed in a suit jacket with a wooden cane... the going wasn’t that easy, lots of loose ballast and rocks, some very sharp, so very slippery and lots of nasty edges to fall on.

Made it to the top around 3pm to see the little white secluded church. A big group of very noisy Americans stood jeering and shouting each others names “CODY CODY!!!” while a very old Irishman with an enormous white beard was conducting his very serious pilgrimage and penance around the mountain and church barefoot (walking round the church 15 times saying 7 hail marys and 7 hail fathers....). Helicopters dropped in some ballast and spoke to some builders who were doing some work on the church, They said today they got a helicopter ride in (along with their kids who were hanging about with a jack Russell) , but for the rest of the week they would have to walk to work! We asked if we could see inside the little church, and the fella said we could if we shifted some bags of ballast for him, and so did. Then we had to wait for a couple to finish inside, who the builder had let in so the young man could propose to her. Headed back down around 3.30pm and found Alma 10 minutes from the top with a tired Vito. Took her the rest of the way up and had some food, before all heading back down together around 4pm. After all falling down in the last 10 minutes, made it all back to the car park at 5.10pm, 4 hour return trip... Had a cup of tea (much needed) and a 99’ ice cream. Drove back all shattered and aching, but a great experience and some great views.

Sunday 3rd July 2011

An unexpected lie on and then off down to Galway Bay with small one’s parents driving and little Richard in tow. A walk round Salt Hill and little Richard was brought an I LOVE JEDWARD t-shirt and what he described as an Alien’s dead embryo... On to Barna and had a roast dinner, and finally down to Spiddal round the harbour where an old man with a white beard in wellington boots was rowing himself out to sea. Headed back to Athlone that evening trying out the new motorway for the first time. Small one enjoyed a day out with his parents...

Saturday 2nd July 2011

Up early for shredded wheat, Elisa due at 9am to take tall and small to the Cliffs of Moher on the west coast. She turned up 45 minutes late with a love bite and would not stop going on about the sex she had. (haha, sorry Elisa but it had to be noted) Still, we stopped and brought a baguette and a coffee each and some strawberrys from a stall on the side of the motorway.

Elisa’s AA directions had an error on them and sent us to Sligo instead of Limerick, but soon sorted it out with an old fashioned map book... Great weather all day and some great scenary through The Burren and a stop at Dunguaire Castle. Narrow roads full of huge tourist buses and many many tourists. Also a stop at Aillwee caves, where a very hard and very short 5 mintue walk almost killed us to the top of the hill. After buying our tickets off a very comfortable one armed man entered the caves with a bus of tourists. A very short tour it seemed, the English guide spoke his commentary in this bizarre tone and accent as if he were reading from a young child’s story book.

On then to Cliffs of Moher and 6 euros each just to park, if we had realized before would have got out and just sent one of us in the car to pay. It was also very busy there, and traipsed up the well made paths past the sunken visitor centre (built into the hill) with our 99 flake ice creams. The castle view point was another 2 euros and had views not as good as from the ground. At either end of the main strip of Cliffs of Moher the rest of the cliffs had big signs and fences saying NO ENTRY, but despite this hundreds of people had gone over, so followed them. Very narrow paths and a lot of stupid Americans hanging over the edge of the cliff to get photos. Left mid afternoon and headed home, a good day. Though the triathalon in Athlone meant we had to walk back through the closed roads.

Friday 1st July 2011

Tall and small took little Jordan and Richard on the train to Dublin Zoo for the day. Up very early n Jordan was grumpy the whole day as he was shattered and didn’t want to go to a zoo. Small one played a great game on the 2 hour train journey with them both, which was whoever could sit and be quiet without making any noise for the entire train journey they would get 50 euros.... neither managed it, but they managed it long enough to get some peace and quiet on the train. It did result in a lot of bizarre sign language which made passers by think we were all from a deaf family, though the midget sat on the seat next to us did avert some of their attention. The rest of the time it was eye spy, and something beginning with ‘B’ which may have been Barrack O’Bama?

Walk round Dublin Zoo, an expensive day. 60 Euros for a family train ticket and another 40 for the family zoo ticket. Saw the animals, weather was nice, had some food and headed back to Athlone shattered.

Thursday 30th June 2011

Small one’s parents had a Spanish student coming to stay with them in the spare room. A few hours before arrival there was a mad dash to replace the broken toilet seat, clean the room and buy a new 4ft wide bed. Tall and Small went with the mother bed shopping and helped pick out the toilet seat. Small one’s mother told small one to drop the fathers name in the bed shop for a discount, he came out and told her that daddys name doesn’t go as far anymore, as they only got 10 euros off.

Got back at the house, and it soon filled up with visiting family and many many children. Aunt Veronica also turned up and helped tall one changed the toilet seat and dismantled the old bed... a strange afternoon. Got the room ready and then tall and small went to The Shack to meet Elisa (who they’d last visited in Brisbane and also in Sydney when they brought their ford escort Sheila). Elisa had tap water and tall one drank tea. Back at the house via Frida’s for some chips and kebabs, house was buzzing again with Spanish students and other visitors. Up to the room and finally fixed small one’s father’s laptop.... hooray!


Wednesday 29th June 2011

Morning was free, but tall one spent it trying to fix three laptops at once. Laid out side by side in the kitchen, small one’s needed to be restored to factory settings to try and fix his built in web cam, but ended up buying an external one. Tall one’s laptop had an error during some windows update and no longer started up again, so had to find a net cafe to download a Visa Recovery disk, burn it and then repair his laptop, which worked. Then small one’s father’s laptop was slugglish slow, took all morning just to turn on and had taken all night to copy a few photos to back up. Had been trying to reinstall windows to wipe everything and start again but too slow to even do that. Went out for lunch with Pat and Alicia who tall and small had replaced as workers in The Corkman Pub and Hostel in Melbourne. It was good to see them and they discussed the rumours of Stacey being pregnant after a flourish of facebook congratulations which were abruptly removed. Had planned a dinner round Eddie and Elena’s but cancelled due to being shattered. Walked back in pissing rain until took another taxi.

Tuesday 28th June 2011

Booked out for the day, took a taxi to town as raining, small one phoned the cabbie he’d grown up with, but who in the end charged them a fortune for the cab ride anyway. First appointment was with the cousin in Vision Express to get small one new glasses, but he spent an hour not deciding which pair to get and so brought both. Next was tea with Don and Viv in the rain, and then in the evening out with another aunt and cousin for dinner, and then some beer at Sean’s Bar huddled under a heater outside.

Monday 27th June 2011

Met up with Eddie, small one’s friend who they had previously met in Sydney in May 2009. Eddie drove them out to Clonmacnoise, the monastery ruins. Had a good time walking round, it didn;t rain. On the way back they showed tall one an irish bog and some turf drying out. Trip up town to shop again, and tall one got some passport photos down in the little camera shop where small one worked years ago. Got stuck talking to the owner Danny for almost an hour, the photos only took 5 minutes to do.

Sunday 26th June 2011

The aunt and cousin flew back to Scotland. Afternoon headed out to meet another of small one's aunts for her 50th birthday party at her house. Weather held off at their country home for the family BBQ, tall one met lots of people.

Saturday 25th June 2011

Small one’s aunt and cousin, Lynne and Megan came over from Scotland. Took a trip round Athlone castle and got stuck talking to an ex-butcher in the rain, but bought some cakes outside. Trip on a boat up the Shannon, with a very droll speaking commentary, but a nice lady playing songs on a guitar. Meal at The Shack and later a meal out with the family at the Olive Grove, where tall one was the tallest person there. Afterwards went down to The Mill for a drink around midnight. Tall one was so tired he just sat and had tea with small one’s mother.

Friday 24th June 2011

A rain day, caught up with some internet research for Canada, and went for a breakfast while small one’s mother had her hair done. Had a few visitors and phone calls for small one to catch up with, 3 pairs of friends / relatives turning up at once in the morning. Dinner and then cinema to see Senna at the cinema that night. Small and Tall took along young Jordan not knowing the film was half subtitled, but he seemed to go okay. Followed by a Supermac’s curry chip and cheese which small one had gone on about for the last 3 years.

Thursday 23rd June 2011

Small one acted like tour guide and took tall one around the town. A lot closed down from the recession, and a lot of army people jogging nosily up the Shannon. It was a pretty good day, a short spell of rain, but then some blue skies. Tall one enjoyed the old streets and was taken to small one’s one locals. Had food in The Shack and a couple of Guinness, then over to Sean’s Bar, the oldest pub in Ireland (900ad) for another Guinness, where a man came in who looked just like Dublin John’s brother (local from The Corkman, Melbourne). Throughout the day Small one had slowed their walking progress by the queue of passers by stopping to say hello and catch up, some waving from cars, others walking on the street. Back to the house exhausted for some dinner.

England & Scotland 11th - 22nd June 2011

Wednesday 22nd June 2011

Bus due at 1.15pm to take us London to Gatwick airport for flight to Dublin at 5.30pm. The bus had only cost 4 pounds each. Had our free continental breakfast in the hotel, which was quite an experience. We were pretty much the only people there. this withered, blonde russian woman in her fifties came in to serve us, and she seemed to be prattling on to herself in russian, there was no one else in the room. As we had learnt the word for "thank you" in russian whilst in moswcow we threw it out there to see if she would react (she might not have even been russian...) her responce was to say in english "they are watching me, they are watching, the eyes above me....." then she spoke in russian again, then we heard the word "americans" then some more russian, she then snapped out of it and said "more tea...?" offering us the teapot. She went over and cleared away the empty table opposite us, but stopped halfway to stand and stare at her own reflection in the mirror and muttered about "boom boom behind my back... i know i know.... behind my back" and some other russian stuff. We ate up the rest of our breakfast pretty quickly and went to hide in our room....

Took the bus in the rain to Gatwick on an earlier bus. Checked in and brought some duty free presents only to be told by Ryan Air that it all had to go into one carry on bag only. So tall and small frantically crammed into their side pockets and bags teddy bears and chocolates, until they got onboard and put everything back into the carrier bag. The plane filled up after them with people scrambling for the good seats, there was a lot of Irish tinkers. A very fast flight and picked up in Dublin airport by small one’s friend Abba. Within an hour and a half back at Small one’s family home, to be greeted by his long waiting family. Before bed tall and small joined the father in the pub next door for a couple of Guinness, tall one’s first Guinness in Ireland.

Tuesday 21st June 2011

Tall and Small were reunited in London Victoria that morning, after both having travelled back a day earlier than expected. Took the underground across London carrying the big backpacks each, the train was packed but yet a snobby old man with a hearing aid and Australian hat took offense of being so crowded and being so close to a backpack and tried pushing small one away. Small one stood his ground and he heard the old man’s little wife say to her husband “he obviously doesn’t know WHO he’s pushing..... but you know who your pushing don’t you dear”. Went looking for a hostel or hotel over in Earl’s Court area where there bus to Gatwick airport was due to pick them up Wednesday lunch time. Everywhere booked out due to Wimbledon, but found one room left in a dodgy Hotel run by a couple of very friendly Asians.

Went out had breakfast, visited Traflgar Square to print off their Ryan Air flight after finding out you could only check in online and not at the airport as you’d have to pay 40 pounds to do so, also how it was a first come first serve on the seats, no carry on bag over 10kg and not more than 1 bag aloud. Borrowed a dodgy weighing scales from the hotel which seemed to put the weight of tall one’s bags between 5 or 12 kg.... Met up briefly with one of Tall one’s old friends Andrew from college, who sat in the park slowly eating a sandwich – he had always had the demeanour of an 80 year old man. Looked round the National Art Gallery where in the gents toilets a man was standing at the urinal with both hands on his hips, how he’d had any sort of control neither of us knew – and he was going when we entered and still going when we left. That evening came back out to King’s Cross to meet two of tall one’s old housemates from College days in Maidstone, one of them being Martin who he’d stayed with the night before, and also Ben who’d recently got married and had a child.

Ben had chosen the pub in King’s Cross station to meet up, only to find that the whole station was being refurbished. Martin was obsessed with the idea of taking everyone to Nandos and wasn;t happy until we got their. He led the way stalking off ahead “walking like he’d just been raised from the dead” as Ben commented. A strange greeting in Nandos by a young foreign waiter who said “have you been here before?” to which we said no, and he said “is that a yoke?”. Im sorry what?.... “is that a yoke?” he asked again. “Do you mean joke?”.... “yes are you joking?”. “No we are not joking we have not been here before...” He then explained how we ordered at the counter ourselves not from him, and had to do the same for our drinks and our bill... to which small one said to him “so we are not going to see you again?”. He confirmed this, which seemed a good thing. Ordered our food and beers, they do quite nice bottled Ciders. Martin suggested he ordered two platters and we shared, fine. But one platter came with one whole cob of sweetcorn between 4 people, to which Martin chewed off a quarter and put it back expecting us each to pass it round? He also pawed at the chips rather animal like with his hands we’d all seen scratching joyfully down his trousers... The platter idea was not the best in the end. Tall one gave them their travel gifts, including an I LOVE BANGKOK t-shirt for Ben’s 1 year old, and a shot glass from Moscow with a picture of Stalin on the side, which Small one had managed to drop on the tube and break after managing to carry it from halfway round the world. Went to bed around midnight.

Tuesday 14th June – Monday 20th June 2011

Tuesday afternoon small and tall headed for Victoria station, said their goodbyes and tall one was put on the train to East Grinstead while small one ran alongside the departing train as he sped away... Tall one was picked up an hour later at the station by his mother and his new 2 year old niece who cried as soon as she saw him. Meanwhile Conor waited round the station on free wireless until that evening when he boarded his night bus to Edingburgh. The bus was driven by a young, ginger, bloated Glaswegian man and the passengers were all black. A stop over at Birmingham around midnight, then arriving in Edingburgh around 7am wednesday.

Tall one was told by his mother back on their farm that he was not staying long enough and that they would not have time for a family meal. He then ended up having four family meals over the five days he was there, with the parents, two sisters and niece. The only day he didn’t he was round the young sisters house meeting her fiancé and getting fed there while harassed by an excitable westie. Between the many meals out, bbqs, roast dinners and other feedings that week Tall one climbed into the attic and went through 28 years of parcels sent from Australia, books from childhood and Maidstone, and about 60 teddy bears to have a good clearout. Well fed and sorted out he was dropped off in Maidstone to meet some friends on Sunday afternoon.

Meanwhile small one in Edingburgh had to stick to his well organized timetable to fit in every relative and friend he’d ever known in the space of a week. Unfortunately it didn’t work. The hostel he stayed in was a big dorm, but mostly empty except for a large American man who snored all night and a young girl who wanted to try hypnotherapy on him. Many Australia stories later he headed back down to London to meet tall one on the Monday night bus back to London.

Back to Tall one staying for 2 nights with his recovering alcoholic friend Sam, in Maidstone who seemed to be doing pretty well, with his girlfriend of 2 years, does not go out drinking anymore and had gotten better from the days of debts, drink, girls, health problems, depression, family falling apart etc etc. The next day however when tall one met up with another more bouncy friend in Maidstone for breakfast Sam had took the day off work but never came out to meet them. That afternoon he turned up drunk around 4pm, was kicked out by the girlfriend (along with tall one’s luggage from the spare room). Tall one met up with Sam at own flat in the rough part of Maidstone, to find the prospect of the scum bag neighbours dropping round and a bottle of red wine for dinner too much to handle, so made his excuses and headed up to London Monday night instead of Tuesday morning. Feeling bad to have left his old friend back to his old ways and hoped that he had not a thing to do with it (the friend does not read blogs.... ). He met up with Martin in London, his big hairy, stand-up comedian from Carlisle and previous housemate (who also does not read blogs...) and stayed at his house having one Tiger beer before bed.


Monday 13th June 2011

Sleep on late, then out to shop in Primark (small one brought a heap of clothes he later said he hated). Small one hair cut and then a lunch in Wetherspoons. Day pass for the tube brought and up to King’s Cross, walk around some movie sites and Charles Dickens’ house. Back on train to Camden Town, walk round the food stall and market, then long hour walk across Regent Park and London zoo to Abbey Road. Too many people and too much traffic to get a proper Beatles Album cover like photo, but still good to see. Train on to Notting hill and several film locations there, walk down Portobello road past an ugly dog, some bad blueberries, and George Orwell’s house?

Train again down to Chelsea, by now both really shattered, very hard to walk. Saw Battersea powerstation, alking back opted for a bus back to the underground station. A sign above the driver stated the bus capacity as: “65 seated and 15 standing or 64 seated and 16 standing or 64 seated, 13 standing and 1 wheelchair”.... When we got off the bus we thanked the driver to his dismiss responce of “yeah yeah yeah...”.

Train to Kennington where Charlie Chaplin had lived as well as The Elephant and Castle. Finally on to Greenwhich to see Millenium Dome / O2 and Canary Wharf.... completely shattered, in pain now, those cheap soft shoes from Primark are not built for this....

A late dinner in... a wetherspoons and then desperate for bed and sleep.

Sunday 12th June 2011

Walk up Oxford street, had healthy breakfast. Tube to Bank station, walked up Monument lookout where a friendly Englishman and woman chatted to us at the gate. 2 pounds only and a long, tiring climb up a spiral staircase... back on to the walking tour and it rained all day, the umbrella brought broke, turning inside out every time it went up. Down to tower of London and over tower bridge. Along the south bank of Thames past the dull London Bridge and waterloo bridge. Brief look round Tate Modern gallery, over millennium bridge to St Paul’s Cathedral. Down past London Eye, then on to Downing street. Big Ben in the rain and a new umbrella, to which the very London street seller went on and on about “yeah that’s a good umbrella that... yeah it’s the best”. Even after we brought it he was still going on, it was like he was reluctantly selling his child.

Past Westminster abbey, a needed rest in Starbucks then Buckingham Palace. A long walk round Hyde Park, to Royal Albert Hall, then up round to speakers corner for a hot dog. Back to the hostel for a break, then out for Trafalgar square, Nelson’s column, Leicester Square (half in building site), Covent Gardens. Looking for a wetherspoons roast but had all run out, finally found a pub roast with a very nervous waiter. Lots of walking, exhausted today. Small one really liked London, Tall one had done as well after being here a few times before but not really doing the tourist thing before. Even the rain was fine.