Melbourne so far

Friday 20th August – Wednesday 25th August 2010


Friday night was Pat and Ailise's last drinking session in the Corkman, Small and Tall gave them a card with $300 worth of fake paper souvenir notes. They fell for it and said no, no we can't except that, then put it in their back pockets. Small one chatted to the owner Kieran most of the night, whilst Tall one was stuck with some Scottish fellow who thought he was Barmaid Norreens boyfriend. The Small and Tall chatted to two english guys living in the hostel, 2 of the five only and regular residents.

Next morning Tall one was ravaged inside from the White Rabbit Ale. Arrived early at the Corkman managers flat to move in only to find Pat and Ailise had not packed yet. Everyone felt a bit rough. They packed their van and headed off, Tall one did his clean and they met them for a 'quick' pint in the now reopened Drunken Poet. Tall one drank Tea whilst small succumbed to 10 Guinness and a lot of cheese toasties. Tall went home at 230pm but Small stayed drinking with Noreen and Colum.

Sunday and Monday Tall started his new hostel manager job, cleaning was a couple of hours but the books were all wrong. Five tenants only and there was only 2 key deposits in the tin, and no record of any of the five having paid, two tenants were also almost a week behind in rent. Stacey the buildings manager was not happy. Tall one chased up everyone asking who had paid key deposits. Also cleared out all the garbage in reception, and Ailise had left them a bag and asked if they'd mind taking it to a charity shop. It was so heavy and big however they struggled to drag it to the cleaning cupboard out the way let alone down into the city to a shop – it would be binned later.

Small one started in the kitchen working with Stacey, it went okay and they did more orders than with Pat. On the tuesday a new chef called Fiedel came in from Chile. He was used to fine dinnign and shocked and their methods. He also kept spouitng some racist stuff about the IRA training people how to use bombs in Chile, and when Small asked if his family got hurt in the big earthquake he said he couldn't care less... oh right.

Big problems with Kieran the owner all of a sudden, who now wants to put tall and small on the books not cash in hand, but reducing their wages even before tax. Tall was on $500 cash in hand a week plus room and 5 meals free. He is changing it to $480 before tax ($400 after each week). Stacey stepped in to say that was not fair and there was some to and frowing, and is coming back on Thursday to speak to Tall and Small in person and cannot see the problem. He keeps quoting the flat as a big value for each of them, when it is part of tall one;'s job to be on site and Small one was told he stayed there for free. So within a week Tall one was taking a pay cut, but him and small planned to argue it or leave on Thursday. It had brought a black cloud over their jobs.

The flat was nice however, though Tall one did walk into a low hanging light bulb and smash the glass shade and bulb all over the floor. They had managed to get some new bar staff as well, a quite quiet blonde Australian girl and this weir, bushy bearded, very skinny English fellow from North London. He wore his polo shirt buttoned to the top and greeted builders coming in for a pint by saying 'Good Afternoon Sir what can I get you?'. Tall one asked for one of his $5 staff drinks, he responded by saying '$5 please' and tall gave him a $5 note, and he gave him a $2 coin change?? Stacey sat watching bemused.

Tall one and Small one's days off did not coinside, as the pub is closed weekends, there is no one to cover Tall one on his days off, so they have to be tues and wednesday, and Small's on sat and sun when its shut. Tall went to a different cinema on Chapel Street running a double bill of old Orson Welles movies, The Third Man and Touch of Evil. It was a strange orange lit cinema with palm trees inside. The old woman at the ticket office had a big beehive haircut, big pointy glasses and when Tall one asked where the screen was she said go upstairs where there is popcorn, sweets, coffee and booze!. Oh right. Upstairs waiting to go in was a man sat on one of the lounge seats with a cat on his lap, Tall one wondered if he was taking that into the screen with him. He brought a coffee from the food stall run by a man with a painted brown face and took his seat in this weird raised balcony platform looking down on the screen, a strange place indeed. On his other day off he went to the Tim Burton Exhibtion, and in a dark room lit with fluorescent lights showing glow in the dark artwork he found all the dust on his jumper lit up like sequins, he shrieked at the sight of himself and walked straight out again. Meanwhile small one spent his days off sleeping.

Monday 16th – Thursday 19th August 2010

Tall one's last week at Data Entry, now on the mind numbing job of searching Hong Kong companies contact details and copying them into an endless spreadsheet. The agency had still not responded to his email saying he was leaving Wednesday and he wondered if he'd get paid. As he was leaving after the job he was hired for was done, though was leaving halfway through a new job BGL had given him. Finally the agency responded very briefly and said no problems, will process your half week time sheet asap Wednesday. He staggered out on his final day very bleary eyed and tired, it was an exhausting job, and told Small One thank fuck thats over. Though had enjoyed the free orange juices.

Small one had been trying to do more in the kitchen at Corkman as no real replacement had been found, and so Pat watched or helped Small instead, and he did very well. A new bar man came and tried out, loud and English proclaiming in the kitchen to Pat and Small how he'd had a scab on his finger for weeks, before even being introduced. Small one caught him pocketing some money from till though and Stacey said he'd gone we can't have someone like that here... though I'll have him back Thursday as we are short staffed.

The Bar Supervisor, the spanish looking Gay Irish lad Collum had burst into tears in the bar that his Australian boyfriend was not coming with him to Ireland and had got a job behind his back. On the thursday when Tall one had come in to spend the day following Ailisia to learn the new Hostel Manager Job Collum was due in to open up at 9am but did not turn up till after 11am, when he handed in his notice and left again. Tall one learned the check in process and how to clean a bathroom 'hostel style' and was kind of looking forward to starting on Saturday. All was done by 1130am but he would be on site if needed on working days, but could do whatever (in summer season would be more work though). But now Stacey in two weeks had lost her cook, hostel manager, two bar maids (Keira with the smelly feet left the week before and Noreen was leaving in a week) and now the bar supervisor. She was the only one left... She had had loads of time to find people but it had all come down to this point of everybody leaving, or hiring the wrong people who would not stay very long. It would be interesting to see how the building runs in the next few weeks with so many new people.... Of course tall and small would have the kitchen and hostel running at top efficiency. Tall one spending the day picking up everyone's pubes out the shower and small one not tasing the fish dishes he prepared.

Small one got Tony's new rego done. New number plates for Victoria State etc etc. The Vic Roads Department was grim as hell. First thing in the morning all the attendants were miserable and one shouted at a little girl to go back ot her car and get the form she needed! Small one approached the desk and when the man asked what colour the car was he said yellow and black. The grim attendant said what is the main colour? Small one said it's painted with stripes, its equal. The man dryly said, 'what is its primary colour, a zebra has a primary colour, what is a zebras primary colour!!??'. Small one trying his best to wind him up said 'oh its not a zebra its a tiger!'. Heads turned on both sides of the counter and the man said dryly ' I did not say it was a zebra, I asked what its primary colour was?'. Small one said they were both equal.... Finally they got there, and the new plates were given to him which said 'Victoria – the place to be!'. Small one told the attendant after meeting him, this was the place to be and walked out.

Wednesday night after tall one's last day at the office he went to the ACMI film festival in Federation Square. They were showing a season of french actor Alain Delon's movies. Two a night every wednesday for 4 weeks, and $23 got you into all eight movies. The first one, Purple Moon was very good, but the second 'The Swimming Pool' was very long and very boring, and set with four people round a pool.... Three people walked out during it. After spending the full day blearly looking at websites and spreadsheets and now four hours reading subtitles on a french double bill, Tall one fell asleep at 11pm about ten minutes before the end, and nosily woke up as the credits came on. He wasn't to bothered.

While in the Corkman small heard heard a tale about how this guys Irish friends had been traveling through the outback and run over a big kangaroo. They got out and it lay limp and still and they thought it would be funny tog et a photo of it. So stood it up between them and put a Kerri football team t-shirt on it and stood either side of its body. When the camera flash went off it woke up the kangaroo which was just stunned, and it kicked free and ran off into the bush. A week later the backpackers heard an irish man come into their hostel saying he had had the best tour of the outback when he saw a kangaroo running wild with a Kerri Football shirt on.... ??

Sunday 15th Aug 2010

Up painfully at 5am to get the tour bus to the snow fields at 6.30am. Went into McDonalds and it was still depressingly full of drunks and the sun was almost up. The guy behind the till was this rough faced Asian with this real cockney London accent, and when small one asked for just a cheap coffee from there' not the fancy coffee bar) he said 'do you want your coffee from here or one of the coffee bar ones?'. Small one said again, one from here, to which he replied, this machine is broken you have to get it from over there...

Caught the bus and a very large driver with a moustache named Peter (the driver not the moustache) welcomed us on. He made jokes the whole way about his weight, which produced uncertain responses. He went on and on about the hot chocolate at Mansfield where we got any equipment and said how he'd had too many of those obviously!!! We wondered if he did this everyday, and put himself down everyday with the same jokes? Half the bus was Asian and the other half loud, obnoxious Australians and English. They refused to take one guy as he was drunk.

The hot chocolate was actually quite good and we went on to Mt Buller, up some very windy twisty roads which only wound up one side of the mountain. Then we saw dirty snow, then lots of white snow.

There was a play area in the snow which tall and small watched and then took a bus to he main village. A ski lift to the top produced none of the great snowy mountain views expected, and only a wall of fog. It did snow however and there hands were bloody frozen within minutes. Dodging skiers and snow boards they ran to a hotel and were seated on half a table called number 7 next to the other half named number 8. Luckily it seemed to be the only table by the window and by a radiator.

The cashier stuffed up their order as she put all their food on number 8 sitting next to them, then put number 8's garlic bread on tall and smalls... at the end she gave them the bill and said I missed off two of your drinks but forget it as i'll get in trouble, they looked at the bill and saw they had got two free drinks, but were paying for the garlic bread they didn't have....

It was nice in the snow, and it snowed until it turned to rain. A small village was there, with a clock tower, and shops, supermarket, could not explore it much as it was so bloody cold and busy. There was supposedly garden knomes to spot as well, but they could barley see their own feet.

Left by 4.30pm and the driver put on an Aussie movie called Bran Nau Dei – which was a musical... hmm. Small one could not stop farting on the bus and the people behind kept commenting on the retched smell. Stopped and had another hot chocolate, which made 5 in total just for tall one after all the ones at the resort. They had also noticed the poor Canadian man in the front seat of the coach who sat literally with his fingers in his ears as the chirpy over friendly Asian girl went on and on and on about nothing. He then made a loud phone call to a man and said, 'SAY HELLO TO DICK FOR ME!'.

Back at the hostel and exhausted and not ready for another week of hell.

Saturday 14th August 2010

Tall one spent a few hours in the Corkman hostel with Ailisia learning the ropes, it seemed pretty obvious that the owner, Kieran was very tight with money. The hostel was nice enough, a small 24 bed dorm. Only advertosed online and only had 6 people in this time of year – there was not even a sign up outside as the landlord would charge Kieran extra... Its very homely, with bizarre key coloured doors and keys. A green key for a green door, blue for a blue door and a purple key for a red door?? Three little toilet/shower/sink rooms and a little reception with free internet.

Midday Small one treated Tall one to an expensive meal in The Quarter cafe the cobbled back street Degrave, by Elephant Backpackers. They were served first by this ridiculously clumsy turkish like waiter, who barged past people knocking them over. He muddled the order and could not understand english too good, then tried clearing our plates before we had even finished. A waitress took over from Liverpool with red hair. We asked her what desserts there were, she went and looked at the board and came back and said 'oh there are a shit load of desserts...' she realized she swore and apologized, but took down our details to pas son to a friend looking to buy a camper van. Stayed and had a milk shake, Mediterranean dip and bruscetta starter, lamb and a chicken main (which weren't too good) and a great sticky toffee pudding.

Afterwards went to see the newly returned New Kelly armour, walked down the unimpressive China Town and watched a very big, long Gay Maritial Rights protest march down Swanston Street followed by a very slow moving, pissed off tram driver. Shopping in BIG W to buy some clothes for the snow fields, and some havoc at the self checkouts where small one swiped a bar code found loose in the basket for something we didn't even have. The scales and computer knew it was the wrong item by the different weight and we had this skeptical assistant come and help us. On the way back to the hostel past a busker who was a very large, disabled, retarded man in a wheelchair singing unaccompanied songs into a mic with amp – it was bloody terrible.

That night Small went to the Corkman where he ran the kitchen on his own for a small function, and Tall one sat in the Backpackers gloomy tv room on the laptop next to some glum lad watching endless Stargate DVDs....

Monday 9th – Friday 13th August 2010

A typical week in Melbourne. Though there seemed to be more young people with terrible hair cuts – this half shaved half left 8 inches long look?? Tall one took two hours off work to have an interview with Stacey at the Corkman. She flew round the hostel with him and spoke so rapidly he could barley ask any questions. It all sounded like cash in hand, but free pub meal and room, mostly the admin work to be the hassle, and some cleaning to do. Every room she showed him was 'if this mess is here put it in the bin, if they put their own shampoo in the shower put it in the bin, if they don't pay rent put them out!....' Oh right. Saw the first ticket inspector on the tram as well, which was an underwhelming experience. There were three of them in a pincer like ambush, and they seem to lurk in the shadows of side street shops until the tram is ready to leave before jumping on and stinging people. Though on Tall one's tram everyone had a ticket, except a foreign lad who the inspector showed how to use the machine.

Small one was going well as the cook, though it sounded more and more like Pat was leaving and he was going to be the Head Chef replacement and not the kitchen hand role he had thought. Pat had made up a cook book for all the meals and wouldn't shut up about telling everyone about it who wasn't too interested. Tall and Small both stayed for Guinness after work a few nights in the week, which was still resulting in some nasty Guinness Poos the next day.

Tall one booked a day trip to Mt Buller snow fields for the coming Sunday, over the phone with some foreign lady who at first over charged him and gave him no booking number. He had to call back next day to find out if she got it all right. Walking round the city one evening he past the girl with the bad teeth who used to work at Yots in Sydney (the one not called Bridgette Seaman or Fran). She called out Michael, and they both stopped and stared at each other till she said to her friend, its not him and kept going. It took Tall one half an hour walking round Big W to work out who it was. At the office he had made it to Z in the address book and told them he had a new job the week after. She said she was about to ask if he could start a new crap data entry job, bizarrely looking up Chinese websites and finding out their email and phone numbers. Hes aid he could do it till Wednesday as he believed he had the hostel job and needed training. It was stll pretty vague if he had the job as even when he had the 'interview?' Stacey showed him around saying 'you have to do this, you have to do that...' not you would have to do this.... Tall one also told the job agency he was finishing next week, they have not emailed him since after emailing him every other day for the last three weeks. Sat with Stacey in the pub for a while one evening and she told this biotter bitter story about how when she and her partner Dennis went back to Ireland for two weeks, and had planned a few days with his parents, a few with hers and a few with friends, he spent over 10 days with just his ovber powering mother, and in the end she said goodbye i'm going on without you, while he stayed with his mother and never saw his friends... She was very bitter about it.

On a week Saturday Ailisia and Pat will leave the Corkman and Tall one will become Hostel Manager and Small one a kind of head Chef – they claim they are still looking even though they were given 2 months notice and only put an ad in the paper this week... They'll also get the free room above the pub so Small will not need to walk endlessly up and down Elizabeth Street and Tall one will not be sitting on the stuffed Tram 5 days a week.

Sunday 8th August 2010
Woke up at first quite early to the sound of hideous snoring form the next room, like a tractor or an elephant. It went on for hours. The toilet was covered with orange vomit like most weekends, and Tall and Small both had trouble back there after all that spicey food. Small one slept in till 11am, then they went for a walk up the river front through a big crowd of protesting Vietnamese. Down to the docklands and after a photo with a Dame Edna statue went into the Amazing Bodies exhibiton. They said no photos, but Tall one snuck a couple of blurry ones of the skinned animals (they had been expecting skinned humans). It was still good, but small for the money. A horse had been skinned, cut in two and each half turned to hold the other up, looking like a horse and its partner. There was also a pig cut open so you could see its piglets inside, a skinned dog snarling, and a skinned monkey from a hung. There was also human embryos in little water filled cubes at 4 weeks old, 5, 6, 7, etc, which was very weird. The 7th was very human like. Walked back to town and took some photos in a black and white photo booth, only for it to not give us any photos. Stood for half an hour waiting and trying to phone the help line to no help. Other people came and used it and found their money just fell straight out again, so went to the one next to it which worked perfect. Gave up on the photos and went to PJ Obriens for a roast. At first there were no adverts for a roast until they asked and she said there was a Pork One for $19, it was fantastic, with pork crackling. Cheeseboard for dessert which was randomly well distinguished for them, but the goats cheese was vile. Back to hostel.

Saturday 7th August 2010

Morning at the hostel and in the mens toilet some guy was drying his hair by holding his head under the hand drier, Tall and Small waited for it to catch on fire. On their way out to go shopping and to see Ned Kelly's armour, a big troll of a man was enquiring at reception if he needed Photo Id to get a room, they said yes you do, he replied, what if I don't have Photo Id, and they said ou can't have a room then. He left.

Shopping in town small one brought a 12 year olds hoodie top to wear out to the Corkman staff do that night. Tall one wondered if he would still be shopping in the child's department when he was 70. Tall one popped into a bookshop and on his way to pay for a book a little balding old man with big glasses came down the stairs and stopped by the cashier. He said to the young guy at the counter 'I brought a medical book off of you didn't I?' the guy just shrugged back, 'now what was your name?' the old man said to himself, then he said 'give me a letter?', the young guy said 'what?', 'give me a letter of your name' the old man replied. The cashier seemed very bemused, and said 'H'. The old man thought about it a while then said , 'No I can't remember it, what's your name'. The guy said 'Harley'. 'That's It!' said the old man, 'Like the motorbike, that's why I remembered it!' he then left and tall one brought his book.

Went to the state library which had a huge reading room under a big dome. Apparently they housed Ned Kelly's original armour, and it took half an hour to find it, after weaving up stairs, up a lift, walk the otherside of the circular floor, up another lift, round the otherside of the circular floor again... only to find an empty display case with a sign saying 'Armour removed for three days on display for Ned Kelly festival at Beechworth'. Apparently it was being reunited with the other three suits of Kelly's gang and had been all over the news.

Left library and went to the Old Melbourne Gaol (pronounced Jail). Part of it included a 'lockup experience' where some arsehole ex-copper made groups of people stand in a cell with the lights off for five minutes then made them come out again. He made a speech how he didn't give a crap if people had problems with small spaces when they came in, it is what it is, if you get scared in prison you are going to get scared... He welcomed us on the prison tour and said it probably wasn't everybodys first time – and looking around tall and small could believe that. Lastly you could have your photo taken at a police line up height chart, which was for some reason not to scale? Why was anybody's guess, so Tall one and Small one were a good 5 inches taller?

The actual old prison tour itself was self guided, and made up of three long floors. At one end you could see the actual gallows used to hang Ned Kelly and his death masks. Other cells had a row of real death masks (casts of executed prisoners faces) and Tall one took a photo of them and found his camera face detection blinked on and tried to detect the faces smiles. Also there was two Ned Kelly suits of armour hanging outside of a display case just hung on two posts. There was no sign saying replicas to try on, so Small one quickly grabbed it and put in on for a photo. When they found how light they where they put the whole armour on and soon everybody followed suit. A strange man on his own asked a little boy in the Ned Kelly suit if he could take his photo, 'a little Ned Kelly' he laughed and took his photo as his parents looked worried. He then took the armour off him and out it on himself and posed here and there, on the stairs by the gallows as he got the mother of the scared children to take lots of photos of him.

That night met at Pat and Alicia flat in the Corkman hostel, and looked about at their prospective future hom if Stacey the manager ever got back to Tall one. It was nice enough, 'rustic' and simple. The studio flat for the live in manager was nice. Noticed how small one and Pat the chef had both brought identical new shoes of black and white canvas. Went on to Lygon Street to the University Bar. Bizarre set of sliding doors which ou had to press your hand on the glass for them to slide apart, everyone struggled to enter. Once inside sat opposite the doors and watched as all the other members of staff from the Corkman turned up and pondered and struggled to get in, Noreen, Collum and his boyfriend who seemed like a rough Aussie Jail bird covered with tattoos, Stacey and her a lot longer looking boy friend, and the owner Kieran and his wife. As Kieran came in the door (he's a large Irish man from Cork with a white beard) Stacey made a joke in regard to the awkward doors that they wondered how he'd get through the doors. Kieran looked down at his gut and back at the doors and looked a bit offended, this was the first of many feet that Stacey out in it that night.

Tall one had a stinking headache all day and sat quiet which Kieran's wife kept pointing out how quiet he was. Keiran and the wife looked very well turned out, well dressed and distinquished. Then they spoke and the first story out his mouth was about this woman who's husband was 'a real fucking cunt' and the rest after that was very similar. He seemed like a pretty genuine guy though, but his wife seemed a bit of a hag. They then took us to a Nepalese Restaurant where after some arguing were given a freezing cold upstairs room to ourselves, where a strange photo of a Nepalese solider with Elton John glasses hung over us. The food was spicey, but nice, including goat and chicken. Keiran was telling a story about how he had forgot his wife's birthday and Stacey blurted out 'which one?'. There was a long silence and his wife looked a bit pissed off, he awkwardly replied 'well I always say i've got two ex-wifes and only one wife'. Went on for a drink at some other bar, and then up to tone of the two Pogge Mahone's Small one applied for work at. Everytime Tall and Small thought this is the last one we're going someone would turn up with another handful of beer from their tab. Finally they got away and ran home.

Friday 6th August 2010

Small one text tall one while he was at work to say that in opening the padlock on their locker he'd put the wrong key in and broke the key and also the padlock. It was a big padlock that tall one had carried from the UK to New Zealand and to Australia, but had no sentimental value. Small one could not get into his precious Internet or laptop so had to get Pat from the Corkman round with some bolt cutters.

Meanwhile Tall one got abuse from his clients for the first time. The letter R had bad people. Phoned one company and asked the receptionist the usual questions, can I please confirm if we still have the right contact details I have so-and-so as your Admin contact at email address blrblurblur, to which her abrupt reply was 'I WILL NOT BE GIVING OUT ANY CONTACT DETAILS OVER THE PHONE AND I AM SURE THAT YOU CAN UNDERSTAND WHY!'. Tall one almost told her he didn't understand why, he'd phoned hundreds of clients who'd never been bothered and he was onl asking to confirm details he had not ask for new details. Then one of the 'P''s he'd e-mailed wrote back an e-mail saying 'I am not filling in this blank contact form you have sent me! this is really not customer friendly!! why should I be doing your work for you!!!'. He used a lot of exclamation marks, and ironically his name was 'Payne' or Pain. A lot of these were 'home' clients, just retired old cranks who moaned about having to fax or email you back. So Tall one was told not to phone or email them from now on and just to assume their details were correct – so all of his work was a waste of time now.

Tall one had also realized how the whole floor he worked on was ma de up only of chatty, upbeat, enthusiastic women... it was quite hideous. He also noted that they all had the same one syllable names like you would give to a dog, like Jess, Sam, Jas and Teague?? At the end of the day Tall one said goodbye and she jumped up on all fours and asked excited 'ohh got any plans for the weekend?!!' Tall one replied, 'yes i'm going to the Melbourne Prison to see where Ned Kelly was hung....'

Small one had gone to the Corkman having been told to be there at 9am for a meeting with Stacey the manager and Pat, to confirm if he had the job after 2 weeks. Instead Stacey sat and chatted about all and sundry until Pat gave her a nod at 10am and pointed at Conor.... 'oh Conor your here!' yes i've been here all along, and he can have the job.... Small one went back to the hostel and after fixing the padlock with Pat sat on the one chair by a power point in the corridor using his laptop. While sitting there this little camp lad kept on walking past and smiling and nodding, and kept walking back and forth up the corridor. Small one started to ignore him until he stopped and said 'excuse me... excuse me, I bet you're wondering while i'm acting so strangley around you...... I had m camera charging in the men's toilet and it's gone so now i'm looking for it'..... it was quite strange, small one told him a lot of Indian men went in and out of the loo that morning so the rest of the day he watch as this camp lad trailed after any Indian he saw in the hostel waiting for them to start taking photos with his camera?

Back in the city Tall one went to his last film of the Melbourne Film Festival. At a different very old cinema called The Forum, with weird statues inside and a blue sky lit ceiling. He got their fifteen minutes before and was near the front of the queue inside for a change, and within five minutes there was over fifty people behind him. The film was all set inside a tank and when it finished everybody applauded like they did with the other festival films. Tall one did not applaud, he thought there was something wrong with them for applauding a screen – it was not as if the director or actors were waiting back stage, who were the applauding? The projectionist? The ticket collectors? If there is no one to hear your applause why applaud? It would be like sat at home applauding a DVD when it finished. Some people...

Thursday 5th August 2010

Throughout the day called Jenolan Caves and managed to get somebody we didn't know to send us our Tax Certs and Super details. Paid $3,500 in tax at Jenolan so should be able to get that back. Tall one was still working through the alphabet at his data entry work, and was now phoning clients in the letter 'P'. He'd spoken to over fifty people named Paul in one day, and several Peters.... After work his cheap $9 watch broke so he walked up to Big W and brought the exact same one again. Stood outside Big W, unwrapped the new one and put it on and through the old identical ne in the bin. Then walked up to the Corkman where the big Irish band were playing again and met Small one for two Guinness. Apparently there was a Corkman work do on that Saturday which they were going to...

Wednesday 4th August 2010

Small one's license which he'd got in Denmark, had it posted to Denmark Caravan park after they'd left and after many confusing calls to them got them to forward to his friend Rob in St Kilda, who moved out on Saturday and Small one had no time to visit from work, so now his license was at the house in the hands of Rob's friend – Tall one had to go to St Kilda on the way back from work using his weekly tram ticket (for some reason the last few days had been free and the machines closed though). So after 4 week saga, three states ago Tall one collected small one's new provisional Western Australia license in the rain from Rob's friend Paul.

Getting back on the tram to go back to the city Tall one watched as an old lad with a face like death and skinny as a rake sat down on her own and hung up on the hand rail this enormous coat on a coathanger, wrapped in a plastic body bag. She sat beneath it and watched it with her hollow face as it swung and slid up and down the hand rail as the ram moved. Then at the next stop a chubby little Asian fella waited at the Tram stop but did not get on when the doors opened. In the end the driver got out when he saw the guy was blind and had a walking stick. He called to him you want the tram its over here, the guy shouted YES and started walking straight ahead past the tram and into the road. The driver shouted 'no no over here, here.... here' calling to him like a dog. Finally he got the Asian lad on the Tram only for him to walk straight into this death womans enormous, plastic wrapped jacket suspended from the roof. He fumbled about with his face in it and kept walking down the tram with it hugging around him as she tried to pull it off him. Finally she laid the coat in her lap along with a strange bundle of white envelopes she had loose on her lap. It was a strange tram ride, the monsters all come out in the city though and they like to ride the trams... beep beep.

Meanwhile small one went to the bank when it was due to open at 9am to put his cash in hand wages in. There was a huge crowd of people waiting to go in, and when the doors opened everyone stood awkward looking at each other wondering who was first in line, so small one just push his wa in first. As he walked through the bank everyone he past said hello to him, the bank guy at the door, the foreign exchange woman, the manager, the help desk then the cashier 'hi morning sir, how are you?', he WAS fine until each of them started asking how he was.

That evening took Tony for a test drive and he was still working fine, just drove him out the $80 a week car park without paying, then brought him back again as there was nowhere else to take him. Chef Pat viewed Tony but declined to buy him even for $3000. Back in the Corkman and Tall one was waiting to speak to the manager Tracey (who randomly told us she was formerly a truckie – driving road trains, when shes just this thin, little blonde woman). Stacey was meant to speak to Tall one about taking over from Pats Girlfriend Alicia running the 24 bed hostel upstairs. Giving small and tall free accomodation and a reason to stay till next May. But after telling him to come all the way up she said hse was to busy. There was only another 2 weeks before Alicia left, and she hadn't even spoke to anybody else about the job.

Got back to the hostel and Tall one collected small's little laptop from behind reception where they'd been charging ith with their draw of mobile phones. Till the noticed it was NOT smalls laptop, same make and size but different colour. Small was not happy and the guy had only just come on to reception. He locked up and disappeared in the lift, came back ten minutes later with a bloke staying in the hostel carrying small ones laptop. He'd been given the wrong one two and had not yet checked inside to see the colour. Small one said it was a good job he was not leaving to fly out, but the receptionists didn't seem to care too much. Followed the other guy upstairs with his identical laptop and turned out he was in the room next to us and was the couple who were arguing in bad english the other day. We sat listening to them talking about his own identical laptop and his version of what happened and then listened to them 'weighing' things, and reading out 7 pounds there... to each other, hmmm. Hookers and drug dealers in this place, next it'll be rapists and murderers.
Tuesday 3rd August 2010

Small one was exhausted this day and barley dragged himself to work. Through the thin walls he could not get any sleep in his split shift either as a foreign couple had a huge heated argument in English and what made it worse was that English was second language to both of them so it sounded a mess. He paid for the rent for another week and was told it was now only $200 but no one knew why?

Meanwhile Tall one had progressed through his alphabet of clients in his office address book and was on the letter 'M'. The supervisor told him he should be phoning everybody even though it was obvious there contact details would not have changed since they first registered two months ago?? As no one checked if he actually phoned or not mostly he just kept the same details, and would decided which people to call based simply on if he could pronounce their names easily enough on the phone. After work he went to the cinema again, and again it was a grim film, this time a British kidnapping movie and again the ordinary people queued right out the door and up the street. Sat behind him throughout the whole film was an enormous man who kept yawning very loudly and even started snoring, until Tall one turned out and realized it was just breathing problems.

Monday 2nd August 2010

The toilets were very bad were ever Tall and Small went. The Guinness was to blame. Tall one wondered if everyone in the office knew everytime he'd been for a shit as he'd come back smelling like Lavender scented air freshener.

Sunday 1st Aug 2010

Tall and Small had asked to move rooms in the hostel as they wanted a bigger room with two single beds instead of those terrible bunks. They had not been told that they would have to check out at ten, bags and all and check back in at 1pm... So they had to fork out $7 to pay for a locker for their bags to move from room 107 to room 108. Which turned out to be much better, it even had a window which had that daylight stuff coming in. Then after walking round the Queen Victoria Market and buying a magnet that they missed for Blue Mountains and the Gold Coast - Small one went to work to prepare for the once a month Sunday Roast at the Corkman. Tall one walked around town putting up posters to sell Tony in ever hostel, they all seemed nicer than The Elephant. Tall one stopped in for the Roast Beef at the Corkman but was disappointed as it had no Yorkshire pudding. There was a small band which two of the owners of the pub played in. Tall and Small agreed to meet Pat and partner, Alicia in the Drunken Poet pub for a few drinks. It was the very small pub Small one had been refused work in, apparently run single handedly by the very small and skinny lady who didn't even trust anybody to run it for her 3 week holiday so was closing for three weeks the day after. It was a very dark pub, photos of Poets on the wall, and most of the customers seemed to have hats or enormous bushy beards. Had a few Guinness and Whiskeys and Pat kept asking for photos and kept teasing Tall and Small about buying the van. They left at a surprisingly reasonable time for a change and went back to the hostel.

Saturday 31st Jul 2010

Tall and Small went to see Inception at the Imax Cinema. $22 dollars each for a bigger screen and louder sound?? While waiting for the call to enter they sat at the only free chairs by a little Asian lad dressed in red sat on his own. He sat chewing in silence, and thankfully they were called in. They found their allocated seats, and out of the other 500 available the seat next to Tall one turned out to belong to the weird little Asian in red they had ignored in the lobby. After the movie everybody came out and made for the toilet, there was only two and the queue was at least ten deep when they got there, they left it.

Friday 30th Jul 2010

During the day Small came back to the hostel on his split shift and went to shower. In the changing rooms a strange Iraqi looking middle aged man was rummaging through some dirty carrier bags hung up. When small entered he stopped and stood still. Small went to toilet then came out to see the man rustling through them still 5 minutes later, but again stopped when Small came out. Half an hour later Small one went in tow shower now, and the Iraq man was in the end shower. Small went in the shower next to him and noticed how the man was standing in the shower with no water on, and saw his feet standing facing out of the shower not standing in it, doing God knows what. Small one went to reception and asked for access to the second floor shower as there was a lunatic in their one. The second floor was immaculate in comparison.

Tall one got back from work and watched a Japenese Cowboy playing bottle neck slide guitar on his lap and harmonica while his little Asian girl cranked away on a weird banjo using a wallpaper scraper. Tall one paid for a CD and the man could speak pretty bad english, even some of his songs sounded a little funny 'gotter ma mutjo woking'? All around town were more buskers, some weird tubby Asian thing just had a little amp and a mic and was singing unaccompanied very badly, unrecognizable songs, he even displayed his busker permission badge to prove he wasn't a complete lunatic. Tall one then went and brought a toasted Panini for $3 from a strange Asian store, while waiting for it to toast a bumbling woman came up and pointed to their sandwiches and asked Tall one if they were soggy? Tall one said he had not idea. Met Small one at the Corkman that night and the manager, Stacey gave them three free Guinness each and said Tall one may be suitable for the manager job for the small 24 bed hostel (upstairs) which Pat the chefs partner currently did (until the both left in a few weeks). She gave Tall and Small a lift home, after catching Small one urinating in the street outside the pub.

Thursday 29th Jul 2010

Tall one went off to work while Small one went to enjoy a bowl of Cheerios downstairs in the hostel. However he didn't realize that the plastic bowl had been microwaved so many times that it had cracked all around the base. So after he put in the cheerios and milk it started leaking all over the floor and then the bottom just popped off. Out came the cheerios and milk all over the floor through the perfect hole in the bowl. The most exciting story of this trip yet?

Tall one had a fun filled day at work, invited to a 'team lunch' with the rest of the office. He said no as they were going to be having a meeting for an hour and a half with the meal. They seemed to take this as a snub and two others came out during the meeting and asked why he wasn't coming in, and that he didn't have to eat THEIR food he could bring their own. No thankyou. Tall one stayed typing in dull insurance companies details. One of which had an offer on their answer machine stating that if you add them on Facebook and select 'Like' to their offer, you get a further %5 off the interest rate???

Back at the hostel and the bathroom was full of Chinese bos brushing their teeth in the mirror like Psychopaths. Tall and Small used the toilets, brushed their teeth and left and they were still grinding and foaming away.

Tall one went to the cinema on his own at 7pm as the Melbourne Film Festival was on. There was a queue out the door, round the side of the cinema, down an alley and back out of it again just to see one film. Tall one thought if the people knew what they were going to see that they wouldn't have queued so long. The Killer Inside Me was supposed to be the grimmest, horribley violent film out this year. The hoards that came to see it sat through some hookers face being smashed in for about ten minutes in close up, they were quicker in leaving the cinema than in entering it.

Meeting Small one at the Corkman pub where he had spent the day cooking Irish fries, and fish of the day with hollowed out tomatoes stuffed with mix. Ever Thursday a huge group of Irish locals come and sit in the back room and play their own instruments acoustic, some on spoons, some o harmoncias, fiddles, guitars... at least thirty of them.

Wednesday 28th Jul 2010

Raining all day. Catching the tram in the morning Tall one approached the station to see three Chinese 'Station Helpers' in fluorescent jackets milling about, one had a microphone in his hand and shouted into it the approaching tram numbers in some bizaree Chinese Bingo call. My Tram was 'when i'm 64!... no. 64 to East Brighton!'. Then he would sing when i'm 64. He would then started singing other songs all road related, On the Road Again, etc etc, then would abruptly shouted out Tram Number One the Loneliest Number'.... ' very strange. In contrast the Tram drivers themselves were the most depressing, suicidal men tall one had ever met. People past them saying thankyou, morning, good day etc etc, he would just sit there staring blankly out showing no response at all. School was back as well so kids were all over the bloody tram to make it worse.

Only Tall one's third day or work and it was very grim. They said there was only 3 and a half weeks left of this job before he found another though. Tall one did not think he could face one more... His eyes were sore, he could not stop weeing from all the tea he kept making for an excuse to take a break from the phones and the data entry and the buzzing screen. Sat in his chair facing the wall and a Salvador Dali painting of melting clocks... then watching the computer clock crawl to lunch, then crawl to 5pm. 'Hello there this is Michael from BGL I was wondering if I could speak to Chris please? We're just updating the database at the moment and are checking that all of our client contact details are correct.....' Kill me.

Back at the hostel and the usual suspects were sat along the corridor floor again. The fat star trek guy (who Tall one had had the displeasure of seeing stripped naked from the shower in the mens toilets that morning) was sat crossed legged on the floor by a power point like an over sized baby. Tall one saw the chair and desk seat by a power point was free, and by the time he got back to the room, got changed, got the computer and got back to the power point the star trek blob had only just made it to his feet to see he'd missed his chance, and slumped back to the floor.

Tuesday 27th July 2010

Tall and Small do not see much of each other now. Tall wakes at 7am and leaves by 7.30am, back at 5.45pm when Small has left for his second shift at 5.00pm and does not come back till 10pm or later when Tall is asleep or as good as.

Crazy people on the tram today. Sitting their reading his book on a tram a quarter full, suddenly this mans enthusiastic voice started up with this continuous speel like a sermon 'yeah thats right i'll be back oneday, nothing gets between me and that V8. I don't like to brag but I ride for him, rid efor the almighty, and mark my words... i'll be back and i'll ride that chariot to the golden gates of glory, oh yeah. I won't let what happened to Bobby Driscoll happen to me, I'd ride with im again though, oh yeah, but it was the bottle that took him, its tried to take all of us, but i'll back be back, mark my words. Nothing comes between me and that V8'. Tall one turned around to see it was two very old, crumpled over, dirty looking men. Stood opposite each other in workmens clothes and holding crushed beer cans. The one talking was grey haired and 5ft tall and his friend didn't say a word just stood over him looking confused and made grumbling sounds. The little fella just kept on loudly ranting his sermon to him and the families and businessman on the bus looked out the windows.

The hostel was now full to the brim of Asians who obsessed over their laptops sat on every power point down the corridor. You couldn't get to the toilet from all the Asians sat on the floor on laptops. Going into the toilet one was even sat on a toilet seat in a cubical, laptop on lap and power lead trailing out into the wall where the hand dryer had been unplugged. You'd hope no one was using the toilet next to you while you were doing that.

Monday 26th July 2010

Tall one headed off to his new data entry office job on he tram. Buying a sandwich for $4 from a Chinese lady in the station who aggressively asks you 'what you want' before you have even looked. 45 Minute tram ride and was an hour early so he waited in a dingy coffee and sandwich bar reading One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest, drinking a bad mug of what she said was a latte. The office job was was BGL Solutions who provided software and support for residential and business accounting... thrilling. Tall one's job was going through each of their 6,000 contacts in Lotus address book and phoning to check details were still correct and updating new fields. The office was very shiny and new, the half the staff were very young and over enthusiastic girls who dressed very smartly in blouses and suits, compared to the male half who were mostly Asian or Indian men dressed like they were going to a car boot sale in Jeans and sweatshirts. The staff room was huge with three microwaves, two fridges, one with cans of fizzy drinks, fresh fruit and bottles of juice free for all staff. Then Shown round the other dull floors and given a computer in the corner facing thankfully away from everyone Tall one was left alone. The office for some reason blocked all mobile phone signal, as if the wall swere made of lead. The dull process started, bleary eyed looking at a computer all day and making dull phone calls for dull details with dull people. BGL insisted that we used clients first names and so I was phoning up a Solicitor or a Lawyer and asking for Daniel or George... even in the automated e-mails I sent out they were set-up to start by saying 'hello (enter first name)'. Tall one thought it was all a bit painfully informal to deal with some clients that way and could tell on the phone by the way they spoke.

Meanwhile back at the hostel Small one prepared to go to his interview / trial at the Corkman. He was offered the job, the pub was run all by Irish. The chef was leaving and they were after a kitchen hand and chef, and Small one was not sure which they thought he was... The chef said he'd train him up either wa as he was leaving in a month. Small one thought the skinny beared gay Irish barman was Spanish as he couldnt understand a word he was saying. It was split shift though and had to work 9.30-2.30 then 5.30-9.30, though got breakfast, lunch and dinner and one pint free a day.

Back at the hostel at lunch he got six other job offers, including the flustered woman who did not phone him back for the telesales role on friday, apparently she didn't phone anybody she ran out of time, and this was after telling them all in the group interview that if they didn't here by 6pm they hadn't go it. Also offered 30 hours cleaning in hostel, but small one said he'd seen the state of the place, he declined all offers and went with the Corkman.

Sunday 25th July 2010

Achieved little. Stayed indoors.

Saturday 24th July 2010

In the morning watched the 60's film of Moby Dick in the grim TV room, then printed off some posters to sell Tony and took a Tram to St Kilda (beach part of Melbourne) to visit Conor's friend Rob. Walked around Luna Park (the same rubbish as Sydneys) and stuck up 3 posters. Walked up the esplanade and pier with Rob. Small one told him about the hooker next door and imitated the sex sounds by clapping his hands together, only to have a 4 year old boy on the pier start clapping along with him thinking he was clapping the fisherman who caught a fish. Further up the pier and two labradors jumped into the water and swam after a stick, then disappeared into the sea, did not see if they made it to shore. Left Rob and had another meal out, a fantastic steak and chicken burger. Tall one was back into his overdraught, but they still lived like Kings, or at least ate like them.

Back at the hostel and Small phoned the Denmark Riverbend caravan park again to see if they had posted the license (as Rob still did not have it) they said they did not understand what he meant and they argued, until Small one realized he was talking to a Pharmacy in Melbourne after not dialing the area code for WA first.

The usual suspects hung about the hostel that evening, Star Trek hogging the one chair with a power point and having to step over Asians using power points and laptops at midnight to get to the toilet. At 2am woken up by some complete bastard with an annoying college boy accent walking in to his room next door exclaiming on his phone loudly how he'd just like been to a strip club all night, 'yeah yeah, did I say i'd just been to a strip club, nuh man no, I went in the toilet and cum on the floor but before I could clean it up someone came in and stood on it!....' Small one shouted out 'COULD YOU SHUT UP' and he 'was like i've paid for my room too man, but I got courtesy I got courtesy' and left. Next morning we heard him ignore his alarm and rush out missing a flight as he exclaimed to some poor room mate.

Friday 23rd July 2010

Small one had a job interview in South Melbourne for tele marketing. He had to stand up and interview the candidate next to him (nearly every candidate was Indian). When he asked the Indian candidate named 'Ya-Ya' what his weakness' were he said when he made mistakes he never learned from them.... Small one told him he couldn't relay all that back to the group... Small one never got the job however, despite speaking English and having experience. Meanwhile Tall one waited back in the room and heard an American girl in the next room (or anywhere on the floor but sounded like right outside his door) on the floor giving directions to some guy on the phone. When she finished she got off the phone with a huge sigh and went out and met the guy and brought him back to the room. She said how it sucked how she had to give a key deposit when she would be leaving when they were done in an hour and wouldn't want to ask for it back so soon. There was very little conversation and they started making hideously noisy sex while Tall one wrote postcards to his grandparents. They left very quickly afterwards, and Small one came home delighted to hear the hostel was also a make-shift brothel. Tall one had an interview in the afternoon with a recruitment agency, which turned out to be two young girls in a glass office. He was told to wear smart so had brought two shirts, only to be told he was over dressed and the role the data entry role they had given him on Monday was jeans and t-shirt dress. He would be phoning all 6,000 business customers in a software assistant company to update their address book – it would take 4-6 weeks and he'd get $20 an hour, 35 hours a week.

That evening walked up to the Irish Poet and had a Guiness. Small one spoke to the girl he'd given his CV to (who had a lot of very large moles) she said they had already hired two new people and they were working that night. They were two Spanish looking guys, fumbling and shaking through pouring a pint. They poured ($9.50) Guiness into a thin, vase like Cider glass and Small asked him to put it in a proper glass, the guy shook like a leaf. They then had some food, tempted by the title of 'Pork Crackling, Black Pudding and Brie' pizza which turned out to be excellent, as did the Strawberry and chocolate pastry dessert with Baileys icecream. The new guy who brought the dessert said they were out of Baileys icecream but had brought a bottle of Baileys along and poured about three shots in till Small one told him to stop. Small was ticked off that a job (in an Irish Pub) had been given to two inexperienced Spanish over an experienced Irishman. Still, went home with even less money and still no definite job.

Thursdays 22nd July 2010

Had noticed distinct patterns in the crumby hostel, like the rude girl behind the counter, and the three power points down the corridor being occupied by cross legged Asians on the floor, and the one poinbt with a desk and chair occupied by some over weight, Star Trek fan playing online games all night with a head piece on. The toilets always seemed to be filthy in the mornings and weekend they always had the smell of vomit about them. It was the nicest of places.

Spent the day walking round the city in light rain to see every Irish Pub in walking distance for jobs. The Drunk Poet, The Corkman, two Pugg Mahones, Birdie O'Reilleys, Elephant and Wheelbarrow, The Irish Times etc. All saying the same thing that they were looking for staff thanks for the CV. The Corkman did ring later and book Small one for a trial as a kitchen porter on Monday. At the end of the day was exhausted again and stopped in a cheap bar for cheap food, which turned out to be lovley chunky garlic bread with thick melted cheese and bacon as well as a nice chicken meal. No money to spend but eating like Kings. Walked back through town, found a Big W and a Woolworths tucked away for good shopping. Past the same hairdressers that always seemed to put a hideous leopard skin shawl over some poor embarrassed guy right by the window. Plently of buskers about, a Japense Cowboy playing harmonica and a guitar lying flat across his legs while a skinny Asian girl played a banjo, then there were some young idiots doing air guitar busking. There was always a lot of traffic arguments on the street. Small one witnessed a huge truckie get out and chase an Indian back into his car and proceeded to have a huge yelling match on the street. From our room in the hostel you could hear each day a huge argument erupting on the street between drivers. City life was different. Spent the rest of the day looking for work online.

Wednesday 21st July 2010

Headed into the city very confused about directions and Small struggling to drive in the very busy roads. Drove past the hostel three times before getting into a street parking space, and that was after driving into a multi storey car park to be told it was $32 for the first hour!. Walked the stuff to Elephant Backpackers in two trips, and was told (because we had worked and got a good mention for their sister hostel Harbour City in Sydney) we could get $10 off the room price, so was $110 each for a twin bunk room. They said there may reception or cleaning work coming up as well. Went to the rooms to find it a very very bizarre setup. Through the many security doors it opened into one big room which has been divided using cheap, thin partitions into separate little rooms. None of these plaster board sections reached the ceiling so it resembled some kind of rat maze. In our little boxed cell, with a double bed you could hear anything anyone said or did on the whole floor as there was no sound proofing due to the thin walls and 4ft gap from the top of the wall to the ceiling (if you stoo don the top bunk you could look over into the other rooms). There was also no power points in any room so would have to sit in the corridor (of one of three power points) or hand something to reception to charge.

Moved Tony to an outside car park up near Victoria Market, which was $13 on two days, $11 on three other days and $6 on weekends? We were told on the phone to park and pay when we left, but the car park guy said pay for today in advance, but all other days when you leave?? We also noticed how there was no gate or chain at night when their office was closed and asked what happened if we left when they were closed... he said don't. So we kept it as an option to drive off at night and not pay. We showed the van to some Canadian backapckers who had e-mailed us on gumtree, who said they liked it but could only buy it in 5 weeks, so wasted our afternoon. After we left he texted to say do you want to stay in our spare room, and two days after that he text to ask if we had any herb? We stayed in the hostel.

Walked round the city which was full of busy old and new fashioned trams. Mixed architecture of new and old. It seemed a very big city, bigger than Sydney and seemed to be a lot more opportunities for work. Brought a magnet for Sydney 14 months after we'd been there, and got back to the hosyel exhausted from walking. The hostel kitchen was filled with the mixed bag of asians, young idiots and big old out of place long timers.

Went out that night to PJ Obriens the other side of the river. It was a nice pub and the blonde woman with the high fringe seemed keen to employee Small one. However after ordering some chunky beer battered chips to which she brought out plain, thin chips ($3 less) we rejected the food to her and she replaced it. She didn't seem so keen after that. A few Guinness later a band called The Coogans came on. An Irishman with a lazy eye played acoustic Irish songs, accompanied by an Australian on the fiddle. They even played some Elvis and Creedence Clearwater Revival on the violin which was strange but very good. Small one invited them over for a drink and wouldn't stop pestering them the rest of the night telling them how good they were. On the way back stopped for an unnessacry McDonalds and then went to bed to be awoken by a girl crying loudly somewhere on that floor at 4am.

The Road to Melbourne

Wednesday 21st July 2010


Stopped in Geelong just outside Melbourne to try and paint over the rust in Tony with face paints? Brought a McDonalds and the blonde girl behind the counter got all giggly told Tall one he had a nice accent. Headed out of Geelong but was a little lost to get back to the highway. Small one stopped to ask directions from a man sat in his huge parked 4x4. He said, right and got out of his car and walked over, except he disappeared from sight when he got out, he was a dwarf. Small one didn't catch any of his directions as he was chewing back his laughter. Stopped again further up and asked another very short person directions. Everyone seemed short in Geelong. Then headed on to Melbourne and big city driving and living.

Tuesday 20th July 2010

Rain again, and stopped down the coast in Port Fairy for a nice bakery bacon sandwich and a coffee. Then down the Great Ocean Road. It was a lovely drive, it seemed to rain all the time we drove but would stop once we got to a lookout. The first few small stayed in the van with the engine running as he had really struggled to start that day. The Twelve Apostles turned out to be six, and even they were hard to count that much. Then the road became very windey and endless and slow, until we got to Aireys Inlet and walked up to the lighthouse use in Round the Twist and Mad Max. Stayed in Anglesea that night, a nice little seasise town. Big 4 quoted us $44 for the night, whilst another said just $31. Went with the cheaper and found it was a huge place, very clean, bouncy castle for kids, games room, tv room, kitchen etc etc But we were the only people there, did not see any other residents, very strange. Finished sorting through Tony and threw out a lot of clothes and packed everything into backpacks and bags ready for the move back into a proper room??

Monday 19th July 2010

Drove the next morning through a scary amount of vineyards – which made us feel ill at the thought of pruning that much. Back on the main highway and made it to Mount Gambier. Walked around a botanical garden in a natural sink hole which was nice, then on to the blue volcanic crater lakes where tall one cooked some pasta. Headed on down the coast to Cape Bridgewater hoping to see the seal colony of 650?? Only to find it was a 2 hour walk and the sun was going down. Went to the blow hole advertised instead which we couldn't see what they were talking about, but there was some huge wind farms to drive through. We noticed we had crossed the border into Victoria and realized it was the first state Tony had not broken down in. Found a rest area a little easier this time, it was this camp area in a wood a few km off the road. A lot of other people dotted about. Tall and Small cleared out the van ready to see and Small one set fire to all the offcasts, forgetting about the batteries and cans of spray which blew up.

Sunday 18th July 2010

Raining again. Drove to Glenelg beach in Adelaide and had a McDonalds breakfast. Headed on down to Fleurilou Peninsula to Victor Harbour. Thankfully the rain stopped on arrival and had a tiring walk up the Bluff lookout to look for whales, none. Had a subway in the main seafront town and then some strawberries, icecream and marang from a stand. Just out from Victor Harbour was a small island called Granite Island. You could catch a tram pulled painfully buy a Shire horse over the causeway or just walk. We walked. Brought our tickets for the wild fairy / little penguin watching tour that evening and then went round the island loop track. Infront of us was a bizarre Australian woman with two young foreign boys (one Asian) who she kept getting to pose for endless photos at lookouts and by rock sand trees, it became a little perverse as they clearly were not her young teenagers. Back at the penguin pier centre a wild seal swam round and round in the bay. At the ticket office Small one asked a woman how long the tour was, she said you have to buy a ticket. Small said, I already have my tickets, how long is the tour, she said again 'no no ou HAVE to buy a ticket HERE'. He said again, I HAVE ONE! She got the guide over and he said you have to buy a ticket here. Small one gave up, and listened to the tour guide with a white beard tell everyone how they could see whales at the next coastal town but would have to be quick as it was getting dark... As we all waitedf for the 6pm penguin start time Small one sued the toilet which didn't flush. We were then iver run by muslims who weren't paying for the tour but hung about anyway, after much effort by the awkward penguin guide they left.

Penguin guide took us around the corner and we watched two fairy penguins come in. He didn't allow any torches just his red lit torch which he really didn't shine on them for more than 5 seconds. We hen stood in darkness again while he went on and on about penguins, then another 5 second looking at them. It was still very good. Small one turned the flash on the camera on for a photo which he wasn't happy about though. Left by 7.30pm and drove for the main highway and some marked rest areas. It was thick fog and it got later and later as we past 5 rest stops which we couldn't find. Finally getting to a big one 2 hours later than hoped, it was empty and right by the highway. Small one slept nervously worried and jumping at any sound outside in the dark.

Saturday 17th July 2010

Walked into town via the zoo and park. The caravan park was very close to the city. First step on to the high street and a rat ran across our path, we then sent five minutes trying to take a photo of it as it cowered under a dust bin. Trams went about the city but were all modern, stopped at the big central fountain where three grown girls where jumping around in the foam bubbles like 3 year olds. Walked around the market and watched a man hitting a drum and a guy play a ssaxophone. Got our hair cut in a Spanish hairdressers. The young guy who cut Tall one's hair tutting how damaged it was, and then went on to be really fussy about cutting it. Trimming one area, asking what tall one thought, who said fine, then he'd cut again anyway. He did the same for small one. While Small one had his hair cut Tall one sat looking at the random photos of Roy Orbison and Bruce Lee on the wall while another customer at shaking in a massage chair next to him. A young guy got up for his hair cut in the second chair and asked for a professional and conservative haircut. Went to PJ Obriens for a Guinness and Small one phoned River Bend caravan park to send his license on to his friend Robs house in Melbourne, it was a painful conversation with her. It was a different woman and she read out the note let on the envelope 'he is a nice guy and is sorry for the trouble he has caused... please forward when he phones up'.

Friday 16th July 2010

Continuing on the outback road heading for Port Augusta, an Emu walked out infront of Tony on the road and Small one beeped the horn till he ran off. On the radio a man in WA was talking about all the flack and abuse he was getting from selling horses meat in his butchers, he mentioned how he wouldn't eat a jack russell, he loved his jack russell who past away only 2 weeks ago, then he began to cry. Brought some strawberry milk at a roadhouse but Tall one had no taste buds from the cold and it taste dlike snot, it went out the window. Made it through Port Augusta, an under whelming town with a lot of money wasted on a much hyped redevelopment. Headed on to Adelaide instead and drove through a small town called Dublin. Made it to Adelaide where the petrol costs dropped to 112! a litre, from 180 in the outback. Booked two nights in a caravan park to recover from colds. After checking in reception said wait at the phone box outside and someone will meet you? We waited in Tony only to have a balding, pefectly able man turn up in a golf cart and lead us to our powered site only 1 minutes walk away. We could have found it ourselves and he could have walked! Got showered and laundered and relaxed in the van in the rain. The little TV aerial picked up about 10 channels and Deal or No Deal was on.

Thursday 15th July 2010

Drove across the WA / SA border and hoped this would not be the 5th state in a row for Tony to breakdown in. 5 minutes in and a police car with a cop and a chubby partner pulled us over. Gave small one a breath test and asked again and again if we had any hash. We didn't know if they were buying or selling. Further on went through quarantine check where a foreign guy glanced about the car keeping the engine on this time, he asked ot see inside our cool box only to see it full of motor oil and coolant. Stopped at Nullarbor road house and brought a $15 chip buttey as well as had a $1 shower. A light aircraft was taking off for scenic flights of the barren landscape? At least the outback in the south wasn't as cold as the outback inland.

Wednesday 14th July 2010

Through Norseman the big junction before the long Nullarbor Southern Outback stretch. Through the straightest and longest road in Australian which was very under whelming (146km straight?). Tall one had a bad cold and small one fed him the dregs of a cough syrup, some lemsip flu tablets, antihistamines and some lozenges. Tall one felt dopey and drugged all day, barley able to keep his eyes open. Stopped at Balladonia Roadhouse to fuel up on the now expensive petrol. Someone had written on the wall of the Gents toilets 'HILARY CLINTON FOR PRESIDENT!'. Headed on through the Nullarbor with warning signs of camels, wombats and roos. A swarm of grasshoppers suddenly flew into the van, and splattered all over the windscreen and into the engine. Then over taking a huge boat on the highway they stopped at another roadhouse to clean off the dead bugs. Stayed at another quiet rest area.

Tuesday 13th July 2010

Left Denmark in the rain, stopped briefly in Albany for shopping before arriving in Esperance. Supposed to be a lovely, white sands little beach town – it was pissing down. Even the Pink Lake we drove to looked grey, and the local seal had even disappeared in the bad weather. Followed the highway on and through Ravensthorpe looking for the famous 1800km rabbit proof fence in the rain. Every fence seemed to have mesh on though. Drove behind a huge road train which seemed to blow a tyre and drive 5km up a hill before we over took him. Found the rest area north of Esperance which was enormous and empty, until a couple turned up later and chatted the same rubbish the old couples usually do, bless 'em.

Monday 12th July 2010

Was due to work today but had text Bryce again and said no thanks we are off. Dropped off our tools and pay slips at the vineyard site from Friday where the big Italian guy Michael had no idea we were leaving. It then rained very hard with hale and thunder and lightning all bloody day again, after having sun all weekend. At least we weren't working in it this time, and it made us think we had made the right choice to get the hell out. More rentals in town and sat in the van in the mud on the Internet all day. Watched for 20 minutes as a four by four towed a caravan into the slippery muddy grass site next to us and almost hit our van. He made a few attempts from different angles while his wife dressed like a man stood about with a sour face and crossed arms. Small one had to get out and shout for him to stop back up just in time before he hit our van. He then had it in the perfect place by their concrete slab after much wheel spinning. Then decided to spend another 15 minutes backing out and in again to get into a position no more than 2 inches different to what he had already had.

Sunday 11th July 2010

Woke up to the smell of Chinese food and lay in the van all morning wondering what to do for work as Small one could not prune anymore. The weather was fine again and drove to the Ocean Beach in Denmark and watched the few crazy people wading in the ice cold, but clear blue waters. On the way back stopped at Monkey Rock which was a tiring climb but had good views around Denmark. Brought a dodgy steak to cook on the way home and got some DVD rentals. Decided to cut our losses and go to Melbourne where at least we would be in the right place to renew the van's rego when it expired, opposed to leaving a job here early to get there and then having to find another job. Phoned Bryce who was hideously nice about it and tried to convince Small one to use electric shears on the grapes to save his hand, why couldn't he just say GO!!! The woman in the caravan park was also excessively nice and chatty saying she'd forward on Small one's new drivers license once we knew the right address.

Saturday 10th July 2010

Today was a lovely sunny day, Small ones hand still hurt. Drove 50 km to the nearby town of Albany. It was very nice, nice old building, trees, streets and water view. Went into a bookshop and brought a pocket guide of Moscow for the stop over flight. The bookshop was very weird. A hideously over enthusiastic employee was talking to a customer about Twilight, how she knew those books were something really special, and that she'd find them in their 'Paranormal Romance' section?? At the till to pay for the Moscow book another hideous woman noted the book and said how she had gotten 'locked up' in Moscow. We asked why and she said she arrived with young men who were smuggling contraband at the time?

Went to the local cinema and saw Toy Story 3, in which a strange old man was sat on a stool looking confused by the toilets. It turned out he was collecting tickets as you went in. He took ours from us and Tall one asked 'do we get them back?' he just said 'No' and kept staring into space on his stool. Went back into town and up to the big lookout. Parked at the car park halfway up as a sign said only disabled people and bus drivers beyond this point. Was then swamped by black crows trying to get to a sticky bun small one was eating, one even flew into the windshield when it saw the food. After the crows headed up the tiring hill climb only to find everyone else (who weren't bus drivers or disabled) had driven to the top regardless.

Left Albany via a coastal road, past a fence which everyone seemed to have hung their socks on and a warning sign for tortoises on the road. Back to Denmark through a nice sunset and a big Chinese takeaway from town from the dismal looking restaurant decorated with one newspaper poster of an Asian girl in front of Big Ben.
Friday 9th July 2010

Even worse day than yesterday. Started work and followed Bryce's directions to a farm for 7.30am. Drove up and down the road for half an hour before phoning him outside a place which fitted the description but had a big, colorful sign with a different name to the one he gave us... he said that was the one. Nobody else was there and everyone turned up 15 minutes late. A big Italian guy named Michael was sent by Bryce to show us what to do, they seemed to think we had lots of experience pruning grapes (we exaggerated a little to get the job...) so their instructions were quick, and about taking off the two buds and leaving the four inches and the down spurs....??! Tall and Small looked at each other and looked worried. Got through the day blagging the pruning, Bryce came up and made a joke how he was teaching people on another farm how to prune who had never done it before and said it was hopeless.... He still had not gathered we didn't have a clue what we were doing. Here were only another three or four people working who were all a little clicky, and all seemed like local Australians.

It started raining in the morning and didn't stop all day. Asked Michael if the weather was always like this, he said yes. It then turned to hale, and finally after lunch was thunder and lightning. Michael called the day short at 3pm, and Small was about ready to give up anyway as his right hand had buckled from all the work. Trying to leave Tony got stuck on the farms water logged lawn and the tyres spun. Big Michael helped push him out and we trudged back to the caravan park. We were soaked, the grass and van were soaked, and there was no where to dry out and sit in the warm. Thought about getting Chinese delivered from town, and small phoned the number on the website and asked if they delivered, to be told 'this is a fuel station...'. It was to wet to get out the van and cook so they stayed sat inside living off crackers and biscuits which they could reach. Small one did not think he could prune again as his hand hurt so much, he even struggled to drive the van back. It certainly did not seem like the most perfect job after rushing down here to get it. Bryce had also said that we are paid 60cents per vine we prune and we just kept track of how many ourselves and let him know how many?? When asked how often we get paid he said oh its every two weeks or at the end of the month or something? It would be very interesting working for this man it seemed.

Thursday 8th July 2010

Was due to start work today, but Bryce phoned aqnd told us he was very sorry and the farmer does not know HOW he wants his vines pruned? So maybe start tomorrow once sorted out. It was a cold morning and the low pressure showers covered with 'DON'T TAKE LONG SHOWERS' signs don't help – particularly when the slightly dappy woman minding the place for 2 weeks always seems to be hanging about outside with a stop watch.

While Tall and Small ate breakfast the minder woman walked around their van making the usual painful small talk whilst picking up dog crap. She apologized and said that it seemed our van site was the favorite toilet spot for all five dogs she was walking. We didn't enjoy our breakfast.

Had a much wanted day of doing nothing but sat watching DVDs and going on the internet. It turned out to be very depressing. Started a fire using all the parks free wood and then it rained. Took a walk round the back of the park and saw they had a very lonley sheep which desperately ran over to anyone walking past. It was a grim day.

Wednesday 7th July 2010

In the morning Small one went to the RTA and asked to transfer his NSW license to WA as it was going to expire next month anyway. The young girls didn't quite seem to know what they were doing and cut up his present driving license and gave him a piece of paper to take away. They said they'd post out the license and if it didn't work to let them know as they don't do this very often. Another $50 breakfast in town and then Small one brought a Technicolor dream coat hoody from a local Eco-Clothing shop? Food shopped in the only supermarket, IGA and went back to the park. Spent the afternoon touching up the tiger stripes on Tony and incorporating the new rust patches into the stripe design. There was talk of 6 inches of rain despite the fact there was no cloud in the sky. As Small one made a nice camp fire the farmer, Bryce phoned and said to be ready for work at 7.30 next day and reeled off a farms address very quickly. At least they had work again, but it was bloody cold.

Tuesday 6th July 2010

Was woken early by work men arriving to do some kind of work we couldn't quite tell what. Drove through Margaret River where we saw rain for the first time in 3 weeks. Had another breakfast / lunch out in a nice cafe and headed on to Pemberton.

In Pemberton stopped at Gloucester Tree, where we had to pay $11 entrance to see a 64 metre high Kauri tree which was advertised as having a spiral staircase to climb up. All it had was these metal bars protruding round the outside o the top. It said no children but families were sending the kids up anyway, it was very dangerous. We got about 10 metres up before coming back down. Luckily there was some parrots about which a family were feeding. We took some feed from the box on the bench not realizing it was the mother of the families. The parrots came and ate out our hands, and at least that was worth the $11.

Down the highway more to The Valley of the Giants. Got there just before closing and went around the tree stop walk, which was a suspended wire bridge around the high red tingle trees. It was quite good, but nothing too exciting. Headed on to Denmark afterwards when it got dark. Had the name of the River Mouth caravan park only 1km walk to town. In the dark however followed the sign for a River Bend caravan park which turned out to be 2km outside of town, thought we'd just got our facts wrong. The after we had checked in to this very small, homely park we realized it was a different one to the one we had thought, but had paid for a week now. At least here was quiet and had good camp fire spots (we were the only people on the powered or unpowered sites). Drove back into town and brought a dodgy pizza for $18.

Monday 5th July 2010

Left the cousins to look around Fremantle. Developed the Coral Bay underwater camera photos to find Tall one had managed to avoid taking a picture of his thumb this time. The town was very nice, with small cobbled streets and boutique shops. An expensive breakfast was had then Small one brought two books while Tall one brought none. The only negative thing about Fremantle was the bearded man sitting on the road outside Hungry Jack's who shouted at Tony as we drove by.

After lunch went to Perth itself through a nice view of the city in King's Park. It was a nice city, not dissimilar to the others, but had some nice side streets. Small one complained all day that he was dying from a cold however. Back at the van and Small tried to phone their wok contact Bryce in Denmark where they had been promised grape pruning work. No answer to the calls or text all day. Heading south from Perth Bryce finally called back and said work was all still on down in Denmark to he'd call us Wednesday afternoon. Leaving Perth on the main highway, there seemed to be about half a dozen cars all broken down on the side of the road.

Heading south passing a lot of rest areas by the side of the road, none of them had ANYBODY staying there. Finally went into one 25km north of Bunburry and stayed the night there despite being the only car present – a change from the packed rest areas in the outback. There was no toilet and the grass areas were littered with crap stained toilet paper. A cold nights sleep with locked doors.

Sunday 4th July 2010

Stopped at a pointless lookout that morning called Molah Hill lookout and had winter vegetable soup for breakfast. Sat eating wrapped in blankets, gloves and hats like two old people it was so cold. Drove down to the Pinnacles Desert and found the rangers station closed on a sunday but asking for a $11 donation in an envelope with car details. There was only a $20 note in the car and they thought they'd skip it but took an envelope anyway. Five minutes into driving around the very impressive desert of six foot high lime stone towers a ranger came along and asked where our paid ticket was. We played dumb and drove quickly round the rest of the desert and made it out, seeing that the office was now opened and another ranger was emptying the donations with number plate details of paid visitors already.

Drove towards Perth now behind three Wicked camper vans. The scenery was all green hills now and was a good difference from the outback. Stopped at a petrol station where small one knocked his expensive camera on to the concrete when lifting the seat to get to the engine. The camera broke and for a change it was not tall one that broke something.

Made it to Fremantle just south of Perth to stay with Small one's cousin for the night. The town was packed and there was no parking for the markets so went straight to the cousins house. Both were dying for a pee as previously on the long outback roads you could pull over anytime and just go, but not in the City. The cousins house was very nice and they were treated to a steak dinner. They went to sleep early in the van with electric blankets on, whilst the cousins went to see Bill Bailey in Perth.
Saturday 3rd July 2010

Woke up early and left the isolated camp spot before it even got light, and managed to drive to Monkey Mia via Denham in Shark Bay. An hour early for the wild dolphin feeding Small one cooked breakfast which was broccolli and cheese pasta..... The Irish couple from Coral Bay had got there before us and the girl told Tall one that there were dolphins in the bay right now. Tall one walked down to look and saw three right by the shore. One seemed beached as it just lay on its side in the water not swimming, with its eery eye looking up at him. Found our later that she always did this to get food and was nursing a baby dolphin in the shallow waters. The ranger moved the early lookers back and said come back at 8am as they did not want the dolphins in the shallows yet.

By 8am the rangers path overlooking the beach was packed with families and screeching kids and Asians with video cameras. When the head ranger said to come down to the shore now people literally ran to the edge, even though there was plenty of room. She spoke of the dolphins and they followed her like dogs to heel in the knee deep water, as she waded up and down the crowd. Then a few volunteer workers came out with buckets of fish and selected people from the crow to come out and feed the dolphins. Despite Small one's frantic waving, the volunteer picked children only – it seemed Small one was not small enough. They left after an hour and had managed to pay $14 of the asked $16 donation.

Stopped at Shell beach full of tiny cockle shells up to 10 metres deep, and then on to Geraldton. On route were amazed to see green fields for the first time in weeks as well as fences holding cows and goats in, and not swerving round them.

Geraldton was a nice enough town, the Irish couple were there again. Tall and Small were starving and wondered around town looking for somewhere to eat. They brought a magnet from a man who could not stop shaking and refused help in hanging the magnets back up when he shoke half of them off the rack. Food was in scarce supply, and everywhere seemd very expensive. Finally after walking round the whole town found a place called Dome right next to the car and had a beef lasagne and wedges for $50!! Tall one went back for a cake to find the deli counter with no customers and three people behind the till. He asked for a cake and pointed to the one he wanted infront of him. They took the money and asked for his table number – he said no just to takeaway now please and pointed again to the cake right infront of them in the display case. Then the cashier asked what his name was...? He gave his name and then waited and waited while she wrote out a docket and hung it on the orders line then she stood there and waited. Five minutes later somebody gave him his cake.

Drove down towards Perth, and onto a coastal road south of Gerladton. Where a nice campsite at Cliff Head was found for free. Parked right overlooking the ocean and the woman in a caravan near us said dolphins had been there all day throwing crabs about? Then the sun went down over the ocean, though it may have been an oil rig.

Friday 2nd July 2010

Woke up absolutely freezing. Wished we had paid the extra $5 for an electric site. Parked by the beach front and had a walk up the very very empty beach at 8am wearing fleeces which looked out of place amongst the white sands and clear water.

Hired a wetsuit, snorkel and floating noodle from the hut on the beach which he seemed to charge us half price for. It certainly wasn't a deliberate generous gesture as the guy had a very condescending manner about him when we asked if we could have floats and said we didn't need flippers.

Paddled about 40 metres out to the coral. The water was glass clear for about 30 metres out and only knee deep, then suddenly it turned dark blue and dipped away 3-4 metres deep. The water was absolutely freezing as well and Tall and Small floated quivering and clumsily around the dark coral. I wasn't as pretty as Great Barrier Reef, but there were some nice bright blue fish and striped angel fish.

Small one then saw a huge sting ray or it may have been a manta ray – which Tall one only glimpsed. After that he didn't want to go back into the water and sat chatting to an Irish couple while shivering dry on the beach.

It wasn't till about 10.30 that the beach started to fill up, and at about 11.30 Tall and Small left and snuck back into the caravan site to warm up using their hot and clean showers (the public ones were hideous). Waited forty minutes for a fish and chips and a kebab for Small, then headed back on road for Shark Ba via Carnarvon.

Stayed in Carnarvon an hour so Small one could get his internet fix – it was a pleasant enough town with a nice esplanade with Palm trees – but then again all the towns seem to have that. Headed off towards Shark Bay – had not left much time and soon Small was driving in the dark. The road was very harzardous in the dark as it seemed covered with roaming goats, sheep and they had a close called with a kangaroo which Small one managed to slow in time. These whole outback highways seemed to be full of carnage, littered with dead animal bodies and lined with little human death memorials.

Stopped at the junction to Shark Bay at the Overlander Roadhouse – where in the dark the toilets were well hid right at the back of the site through some water tanks, apartments and laundry. A strange bearded man sat by the garage self appointed at giving bad directions to the toilets. Up to Shark Bay and the smaller road seemed to have no animals to run over but was still pretty black. Finally found the un-signposted camp site (from the expensive Camps 5 book) at Whalebone Bay. Driving up unsealed road towards a cliff edge could not see any other campers, then out the shear blackness we spied to campervans and went near them.

Thursday 1st July 2010

Drove all the way down to Coral Bay, past a huge bloated dead bull by the side of the road and along some very tedious roads through rugged grassland. Drove through a small town called Roebourne in which a huge train went past and took about 15 minutes to clear the crossing. Arrived to find it a very very nice place, but nowhere to stay for free.

On route Tall one had somehow managed to break the flat screen tv in the van by knocking it off its stand, so half an hour was spent screwing it in using door hinges and $7.50 screws. Decided to book into the caravan park for unpowered site at a huge $30 cost. They put us right next to the kids playground which was full of screams until dark. Made a cup of tea and on the first sip realized we had used the bore saltwater tap that the receptionist had mentioned – chucked it straight out.

Walked around the lovley beach, with its white sands and clear turquoise waters, ending by seeing a nice sunset. Phoned an advert for kayak and coral snorkelling tours and Small one asked if they provided any floats for not very confident swimmers, they ladies response was 'well this probably isn't the tour for you.... try the glass bottom boat (with the small children, over 60's and disabled people). Had an early night listening to the yute of young Aussies drinking all night next to us.

Wednesday 30th June 2010

Drive to Port Headland across a very boring boring stretch of outback road. Looked for the famous rabbit proof fence that started here and ran right down to south WA – but never saw it. Port Hedland was a dismal, flat, industrial town filled with factories, road trains and big heaps of ore. Shopped at K-Mart for a solar charging light for the van (and Small one brought 14 year old boy's swimming shorts and jeans which were still to big) and then (through Harvest Hotline) phoned a farm in Denmark (south of Perth) and confirmed we could start grape pruning work on Monday 12th of July for 6 weeks. The farmer went to the effort of phoning us back to tell us we could come later as he thought we shouldn't rush down and miss Coral Bay, Karijini National Park (which we weren't going to anyway) and Shark Bay etc etc. Hopefully that holds up. Stopped at a rest area 100km south of Port Hedland where the bush toilet is almost overflowing... love these toilets.
Tuesday 29th June 2010

That morning went to Broome's Cable Beach and sunbathed most of the morning on white sands, clear waters and hot sun. Afternoon saw the camel trecks set off up the beach before sun set. Travelled up to the Gantheaume Point to see the red coloured rock formations on the cliffs. Didn't stay for the nice sunset over the rocks as a strange, very drunk, bloated gay couple turned up in a Wicked Van (one of which seemed to have had some operation on his gut) and made the place very unappealing. Brought the Camps 5 cheap and free camp stop book in town for $54! Which had been recommended by everyone we met, the book shop owner asked Tall one if he wanted a bag or if he just wanted him to chuck the book on the floor..... huh?..... cause that's where it'll end up.... oh right. Left Broome as it got dark and headed for a rest stop 140km south. Driving in the dark the highway was lined with frozen wallabies in the headlights, after seeing 10 or more all in the same dazzled position we wondered if infact they were garden knome like decorations put up the highway.

Monday 28th June 2010

Left very quickly when we saw the crazy old man with Kokoda stories wondering round in his huge Manunited boxer shorts. Headed to Broome and found that the closer we got the less the drivers waved back to us – infact one driver responded to Small one's friendly wave by going to the effort of hand signalling the sign of cock sucker to him.

Arrived in Broome that afternoon and booked into an expensive caravan site. The woman was useless and despite telling her we had a campervan she asked how big is it? I said again a campervan (they are all the same) she insisted I look att he site before we drove in incase it was too small. It was huge, big enough for two campervans. Back at reception she asked if we had a trailer or a dog in the back? No, just a camper van.... the next customers also went through he same rigmarole. The site we were at seemed to be right in the middle of all the rough local van sites, and the toilets always seemed to be full of men hocking up snot and spit in the shower or cutting there hair in the sink and leaving it there. That night they had the Staircase to the Moon (which happens every full moon between March and October) where because of the mud flats it appears the moon rises and creates stairs in the reflections in the wet mud layers. People packed in with chairs (as well as a market) to watch, and it came up through the clouds bright red at first, and it was nice enough (little bit of an anti climax after all their hype though) and photos were hard to capture it.

Sunday 27th June 2010

That morning headed out early for the next rest area to use the toilet – which turned out to be a car wreck of a toilet – this bizarre paper mache base with no seat but caked in historic turds. Further west on the Great Northern Highway and past the Bungle Bungles turning which was too far off track to stop at. Past Wolfes Creek turn off also too far to go to and unsealed. Tall one found a lovley colourful magnet for the place at Halls Creek though. Drove past lots of cows on the road and stopped at a road house for a Crunchie Ice Cream where lots of Aboriginal children seemed to be getting out of a cage on the back of a trailer? Stopped finally at a nice rest area called Mary Pool. It was over a huge river whichw as dry as a bone and the campsite had big cattle roaming around amongst everyones vans.

The place had no backpackers of campervans and only seemed to have over 60's in caravans. Got stuck talking to a few who would not leave us alone, going on about Uncle Henry in WWII who saved Englands behind, and then there was Uncle Edward at Kokoda who saw how rough the Japs were really living.... Another fella came over and seemed to be telling every caravn about a moon eclipse that night he'd read about in yesterdays paper, and to look out for it that night. We said that there was one last night (or half of one). His response was 'no no THIS is when the earths shadow PASSESS infront of the MOON' we thought we had descended back to childhood and told him we knew what an eclipse was as we saw one last night.... He got worried that he had mixed up the days and went round all the caravans apologizing for the mix up.

Saturday 26th June 2010

Driving into the outback heading west this time. Back to no showers and staying at dodgy rest stops with bad toilets. Passing a lot of these tourist camera opportunity signs which turn out to just be a stone memorial (literally just a pile of stones) for some unknown person.

Stopped at Timbre Creek road house to cook food where a vus of very old people came in and swamped the shop. For some reason Small one went to use the toilet and did not see the mens so snuck into the ladies. Thankfully no old lady saw him and heart attacks were avoided. Next stop was the Northern Territory / Western Australia Border Crossing. Here we had to be searched and questioned by customs looking for people smuggling fruit and honey across spreading flies and disease. We made it across the border but Tony would not start. Battery was dead AGAIN and we pushed him across the border to a side parking. No phone signal but they let us use there phone and NRMA sent out a mechanic from Kununurra (the next town). He said that as we were 43km out from him we had to pay for (the usually free) service, as his one way trip is only to cover 40km – so for an extra 3 lousy km each way we had to pay $30. The guy asked on the phone if we needed a tow truck or if he could fix it on site – we said how would we know we are not mechanics – he brought the tow struck. Two hours later he turned up and took one look at the battery and saw the man on crutches who fitted it had not tightened the connection with a spanner or cleaned the connection (which was mucky). He swore and was pissed off how useless the limping man was and took five minutes to clean and re-fit the battery then all was good. We haggled his extra charge down from $30 to $20 and one bottle of beer.

Now in Western Australia the time difference was changed again to an hour and a half behind, We also realized Tony had broke down in all four states so far (Coffs Jetty in NSW, Floods in QLD, Outback in NT and border in WA). Headed though Kununurra which Lonley Planet described as a nice, pretty little town. We thought it was a hell hole and did our laundry in a bizarre key coded room at the back of a BP garage. 10Km outside the town found an un-signed rest area absoloutley full of people and very very noisy, managed to stay there the night. There was a half eclipse of the moon as well which was not all that exciting, but it was there all the same.
Friday 25th June 2010
Drove to Nourlangie where we past a real mangie looking dingo on the road and a dead buffalo in the wood. Nourlangie was more buggery painted like a colouring book on rocks, was still good though. Half of Kakadu seemed to be on fire however, which apparently was to prevent real bush fires in the proper dry season by setting alight now. We past some flames six foot high by the road, and went over a bridge where a whole field was ablaze with smoke seen for miles. It was hard to tell how controlled these controlled fires were.

The highlight of Kakadu was the boat trip at Yellow Water. It was for an hour and a half for $64 each, and all the walking trails there were still off limit anyway so boat was the only way in (as the wet seaosn waters had not fully gone down). Saw heaps of bird life up the wetlands rivers, egrets, jabiru storks having sex in a nest, spoonbills, magpie geese, whistling ducks with golden feathers and the highlight was the five wild saltwater crocodiles. Two we saw bathing on the banks and the other three swimming past the boat in the water. The boat got right up next to them. The boat driver said how the boat was fitted with life jackets if we sunk, however this was a waste of time as the salt waters crocs would kill us anyhow....

Made it out alive and back at the snotty hotel resort we started at sneeked into the caravan park and had a free shower ands filled our water bottles. Headed back to Katherine and crossing a river at Pine Creek saw a wild crocodile way down basking on a dry part of the rivber bed.

Past the supposed historic railway bridge in Katherine which someone had graffitied the words 'Jesus Love Nachos' along the side. The town was rough as last time and we did a small food shop and left just as a crazy shouting aboriginal man was being led out of a shopping mall by two fat policemen and a third on a horse?? Stayed at a rest stop just a few km west of Katherine next to a campervan with a french couple travelling with a random girl from Tawian who was clearly doing there heads in. None of there english was very good which made it even more painful, but the night there was much cooler than Kakadu.

Thursday 24th June 2010

The night at the picnic area was hideously hot and full of mosquitoes. Compared to sleeping in fleeces and sleeping bags in Alice Springs, here we just lay in underwear with the door open, but still struggled to sleep in the exhausting heat and incessant buzz of mozzies.

Up the road that morning stopped at a walk called Mamukala. There was a ranger talk which happened to be starting when we arrived. We followed her for 20 minutes in which we progressed 5 metres round the 3km loop track and she bored us to death with stories of her little brown bird she had seen. We said we'd go on ahead and by the time we got round the whole 3km loop they were barley starting.

Then on up to Cahills Crossing on East Alligator river, where it is supposed to be full of crocodiles. We saw none but did see a van precariously crossing the river. Up to Ubirr rock where we walked around the aboriginal rock art. The style was somewhat playschool and Small one suggested it may have been done yesterday with crayons and not 3000 years ago. The stories listed with most of the drawings seemed to explain them as stories of incest or bigamy... Great for school projects.

Stopped at Jabiru the little town resort and had a dodgy meat roll. The place was full of aborginals hanging about looking lazy. Then on to the camp site where the tent was erected to have a cooler nights sleep (the tented never opened given to us in Whitsundays by the french girl we gave a lift to in the Miriam Vale floods – the tent was still wet). It was a cooler night but could not sleep from sleeping on rock hard ground. On the radio we had also heard that Australian Priminster Kevin Rudd had resigned – so no more of his casual chats with Sunrise's Koche.



Wednesday 23rd June 2010



Spent the morning and early afternoon in Darwin at the fancy and well hidden Wharf Precinct where much skin was burnt in the sun. Free shower before we left and on the road to Kakadu National Park.

Driving into Kakadu there was numerous signs for Crocodiles which the locals seemed o have shot at with shot guns. The guide to the park showed there were bush camping for $5 on the road in but none was found. Topped up petrol at Aurora resort and asked about bush camping to which the woman sarcastically said 'no I know nuthin 'bout bush camping does anyone else? You can stay 'ere though for $30...'. They moved on and 20km down the road saw three big caravans parked in a picnic area by Sout Alligator River. It didn't saying camping or no camping area so we parked up between the vans and a strange German man, who at first seemed a bit rude then came over and chatted. The place was full of white parrots which only stopped screeching when Small one asked them to. We thought if a ranger came along to fine us we would shout that the two caravans behind us had been illegally emptying their chemical toilets in the bush toilet here and the German infront had a dog in the car which was not aloud...??

Tuesday 22nd June 2010

Spent the day in Darwin town centre after having mash and one egg for breakfast – randomly donated by the sour faced woman leaving from the site next door. Caught the bus into town and asked for a day return ticket for $5. The bus driver said 'yeah you could do that but its a waste of money, you can just by a single for $2 and that also works as a return ticket within 3 hours, or if you need longer just buy another single for $2....'. It all made no sense at all, so we brought a $2 ticket to get in and a $2 to get back instead of one $5 ticket??

Wondered round the city which was very hot. Its a nice city, lots of aboriginal art hung about which was very expensive, watch two old abo women painting in a bookshop, squat crossed legged on the floor? Walked up the esplanade park where it was hard to tell which people were actually tramps and which were just scruffy bearded men sleeping on the grass on lunch break.

Went to the Aqua Scene fish feeding frenzy on Doctors Gully road. $11 to get in and feed the fish for as long as you want. They had huge milk fish, hundreds of diamond scaled mullet fish and some cat fish. The place heaved with school kids which was hideous, but when it got quiet you could stand knee deep in water and have them eat bread from your fingers. After that a long walk up the park past more mysterious sleeping people on a rough beach, and found a well hidden (but huge) wharf precinct. With two big free pools, one with a wave machine and plenty of clean fresh grass and palm trees to sit by in the sun. Decided to come back there tomorrow and so spent $4.00 on two Moroccan sausages and went home?