Fun times from the hostel

Sunday 28th November - Monday 6th December 2010

Strange German couple checked into the hostel. Full of questions and arguments like a five year old. The website said it was $21 a night but then it said $27? no it doesn't. The weekly rate is $170 but that works out more expensive than paying $27 a night? - no it doesn't here is a calculator. Our bed is broken we want to take books from the shelf to prop it up. - It is not broke it is not made for 2 people, give me back thr books. Then this french girl who booked ina dn was excessivley nice to everyone turned out to be this Fatal Attraction to Irish Michael. She also did not book ahead for the hostel and when on the tuesday and wednesday days off the place booked out for xmas and the week she was so upset and pissed off that she would have to move out for 1 night. Xmas bookings was hell, no room for regulars so had to cancel some 1 night bookings and change settings on the Hostelworld website to stop people booking less than 3 nights and to stop them booking at all for Christmas Day and any days Tall one wanted to go to the cinema. To top iot all off a small bird broke into Small and Tall's flat and scared Small one shitless while Tall one was on the loo. He came out to find the bird gone as if it had never existed.

Christmas functions start at The Corkman. Nice turkey dinners and some free xmas pudding for tall and small. Apparently the staff do is going to be held in....The Corkman, with the staff making anfd serving their own meals and drinks, he's really pushing the boat out....

Small one's birthday on the friday and on the thursday night session Keiran sung him his favoirte song, Nancy Spain and gave him a $100 Myers voucher, to which Small one responded by putting his finger up at him?? He also got presents fromt all one involving a tin whistle, an enormous Penguin book if Irish Poetry and a Celtic top. He let slip the big present he'd brought tall oen for xmas by saying I had to take it back and exchange it and they wante dme to get a refund then re-purchase another camera.... oops. I did not say camera. At that same big Irish Session a young Irish tunker turned up dressed in tracksuit bottoms and football boots with a shirt and tie tucked in, he said he wantd to look like a knacker. He got up in the middle of the clicky band and sung solo without backup instruments two songs and was quite good. Played some drunk pool and darts with some of the hostel crew and sat with Dublin John and a confused Tom.

Had gone to cinema in the week to see Red Hill an Australian Western. It was in the bean bag cinema in Melbourne Central. Hideous. Lying so low and flat hurt your neck looking up through the shadows of peoples drinks bottles. Came out and brought a drink at Federation Square from the Asian Sandwhich stall Tall one always used for BGL. When they ordered the drink she asked 'you want jelly foo, jelyl foo?'. What?'. 'You want jelly foo, velly nice!'. Yeah okay. Little bits of jelly in a drink? On to the Prince Albert in the rain where a Corkman Local came in same as he does in the Corkman, with headphones in his ears and just creepily laughing and smiling to himself. Presumabley to the sound of children screaming in audio book.

Monday was thrilling as some new air con units were brought for the hostel ($30 fans). Also spent an hour craning our necks at the security footage monitor to see if we could see who stole Kieran's relative's bag on the big Sunday session the day before, could not see anything except his two boys wrestling and punching each other in the hallway. Afterwards tall one decided to phone up and chase hie tax refund. The long boring history is: After a tax refund company came to the hostel to put up posters spoke to Ta;ll and Small and said they woul ddo theres. 4th of Oct 2010 put in applications at same time and told due back x amount each (about $4,000). On their poster said would get within 10 days. On the 20th Small one got all of his only 2 and a half weeks later and was very pleased and tall was told his by next few days. Tall heard nothing and phoned on 27th Oct to be told by 'Dirk' that he knew it was frustrating but would be soon? 3 weeks went by and Tall one heard NOTHING. Phoned and said it has been a month and a half and got nothing, and small one got his a month ago? Dirk said it was the new gov tax (Ato) system which had slowed down some random refunds and that he was chasing up the tax offcie this week and had spoke to them last week. He said he;s phone in 2 days time. Three weeks went by again and Tall one on the 6th of December, now 9 weeks since the application and 7 and a half since small got his refund decided to phone the Tax office themselves. They told him the refund was processed and the Tax Assement Notificationw as sent out to my 'Rep' on 14th October along with the full refund into their account and there end was closed off on the 14th Oct.... Tall was not happy and sent Dirk an e-mail saying it's been 9 week sand the ato just told me they sent the money on 14th Oct but not into my account, what have you done with my money? He phoned and said they had not recieved the Notification and that if they had the money in their bank they could not match it with my refund without the notification. He said if I find out my figures of the refund he could track it down. Tall phoned ato again and asked for the figures, it took half an hour as the woman seemed to be on work experience and put him on hold for five mintues every other question to 'check things'. Finalyl she reeled off the two payment sents $591 for 2008-2009 (Yots) and $3601 for 2009-2010 (Jenolan and Cottrell Melons). Tall oen sent an e-mail to dirk saying Dirk already knew these figures as he was the one who gave them to him back in the first week of October, and also how frustrated he was that after one phone call he had solved the 9 week delay and wondered what the hell Dirk had been doing for 9 weeks? Dirk left a voice mkessage for tall one now saying the money had been transfered and that he needed to know the amounts as the tax offcie sent one payment not two so a different amount (he could no add two figres together) and also he had not chased the ato as they do not 'chase' to keep their fee down.... Tall one not happy. When the refund come sthrough will be reporting to obudsman, taking dowen their adverts in hostel permantley and informing all hostels on that pedantic hostel e-mail ring not to trust Super Tax. The end. Sweet Jesus it's over....

Thursday 11th November - 27th November 2010

Tuesday and Wednesday. The first two days for Tall and Small to have off, other than Cup Day. Nice weather to, but spent Tuesday in Melbourne Aquarium. It was alright, lots of fish. Then on to the Crown Casino Cinema after Corkman Kieran gave them a thankyou card with $30 voucher and two free tickets for the 'Gold Class' seats. Which basically meant being ushered into a very quiet and empty bar to be watched by suspicious, over dressed attendants. Lead into a small 30 seater screen, but with great big, reclining chairs with 'service' buttons to call for a personal waiter in the middle of the film? It was all very bizarre, and they watched the Facebook move Social Network. Drinking beer in a cinema was a novelty, but at least two trips to the loo in the middle of the film had to be made. There was also an elderly couple next to them who seemed to be having a heart attack, and ordered waiter service three times for cups of tea and pizzas??

Wednesday caught the ferry down the Yarra river to Williamstown seaside town. Ferry full of white hair wonders with video cameras. Interesting how at full tide the low boat had to squeeze under the low city bridges (built at a low gradient for horse carts). The narration on boat was alright. The big bridge with twin pillars which cost a fortune and do nothing for the bridge and the one flag above which costs $600,000 to put up. Willimastown itself was quite nice. A green with nice harbour, strip of old shops etc etc, but quaint as it was the public toilets were caked with shit all voer the walls. Also everyone seemed to have enormous dogs, saw a great dane and a st bernard on two different streets. That night went to the new Melbourne Night Markets where Stacey messaged to say Dennis had reserved a table? We thought it was just stalls in the old vic markets? He hadn't 'reserved' anything he was just sat at a table. We didn't sit with them anyway and walked around not eating as we had just eaten, it was still packed though and full of nothing veyr interesting.

Dull week at Corkman. Small one down in the bar and opening weekends. Little Tommy coming in thinking it was a tuesday when it was a dead Sunday. Two weekends of trying to open and it was so dead they have stopped it now. Finally got rid of that old wardrobe outside hostel reception so Tall one spent his monday creating a new leaflet area and then moved speakers into kitchen so can play music in communal areas so less like a morgue. To push wires under carpet from reception to kitchen he used an old snooker cue and some masking tape? Keiran has started in last few meetings sitting with head in hands and celaring how they are struggling so much, they may go under, still owes $30,000 bill from 12 months ago to Crown beer suppliers. Then Stacey said afterwards to us on the quiet how ge does this every xmas after making promises to people (like tall and small) of xmas bonus, he gives them a small gesture of thanks like a cinema ticket, and then feed sthem shit about how they are on the wire financially, meanwhile he's taking 1750 out of the takings for his own pocket and feuding with the joint owner who found out about it. Hmm, xmas should be interesting. Stacey going home 22 Dec to 18 Jan, the new german kitchen hand, Yens' friend Lutz (huge 21 year old, taller and twice as wide as tall one) has been told he's full time, but now kieran is saying casual so he doesn't have to pay him for 3 weeks over xmas.... h,mmm. Rohan has been told he will be supervisor, then not, then will have extra hours, then not, then he'll be cashing up over xmas, but now Keiran saying everyone is going over xmas except Small one (who'll open pub himself 5 days a week, 11am-6pm with Kieran helping occasionally? Yens in kitchen and Tall one in hsotel?? hmmm..... Robbie now left and Erin now left, and Heather fianlly given sack, but not really gbiven sack, just told no hours left.

Tuesday Wednesday days off this week.... Tuesday went to St Kilda on wrong tram and walked in hot sun down beach coastal walk (8km) to Brighton to see coloured beach huts and frisby sizedd jelly fish. Got back and saw new Harry Potter part 7 part 1? which was rubbish and then entered pub quiz with the three irish from upstairs and one 7 jugs of beer. Little Tommy turned up and enjoyed some free beer confused... he's already lost the new mobile Dublin Jon and Small one got him. Wednesday went to Museum which was alright, just a musuem, hoards of stuffed animals, including a depressed looking otter and an extinct thylacine Taz Tiger. Night market again in evening, but too busy and had some expensive curry.

Sunday 31st October – Wednesday 10th November 2010

Tuesday 2nd was the big Melbourne Cup Day. Tall and Small were both off for it, and the weather forecast had been chaning all week. The biggest horse race in the world having it's 150th year. To0 cheap to rent a suit went in Jenolan's old work trousers and a smart, ironed shirt only. Stopped at The Quiet Man for the first time on the way up for a fried breakfast. The place was packed with people dressed in full suits, Tall and Small felt like gate crashers at someone elses wedding. Left the pub when the drizzle stopped and walked t the racecourse. Passing the protesters stand outside the gates giving out free soup and saying 'racing kills horses' to all the people walking into the races with their pre-brought tickets.

As they were walking up the long path and field to get in heavy rain started. Everyone in their suits, shirts, fancy hats and dresses got drench in a 10 minute down pour. Tall and Small to their skin. Got to races and dried off over a few hours and watched one race. Thebig race was at 3pm and Tall and Small placed their bets. Small went for the favorite 'Shocking' who turned out to be shocking, Tall one went for some nice sounding name like electric blue. Crowded round the track it again started to rain, but by then there were so many people pushed together that the few with umbrellas covered everyone. When the race began everyone shouted to put down umbrellas for the 2 mintue race. The horses went by in a flash and nobody won any money, the favorite Corkman Liam picked 'Amercain' won. Tall and Small left and Tall one had not realized that that race WAS the Melbourne Cup race, he had thought it was just a lot of races and not one main one. Poor tall one. Back at the Pub had a few late nights this week drinking, and back to the flat late to watch The Lion King, having finally got Stacey;s other hard drive of downloads. They had also used the FREE city circle tourist tram this week to find it was packed so much you could bareley stand up and never knew which direction you were going in.

Beyond the days off an Interesting week at The Corkman. The hostel still full at about 90% and more cleaning and work for Tall one. Kieran's much anticipated 'friend' turned up, who's been off the wagon or two years. Stacey kept saying how everything would change when he got here, they made big plans to sack Erin and Heather again.... but never did. The friend, Ray started on the Monday. Complete with very tight fitting shirt, unbuttoned down to his naval, dyed black, spikey hair, fake tan smeared all over and polished, whitened teeth to contrast. He talked the talk to everyone how the place was a dump and how he'd ran Birdie O'Reillys and they had Jazz nights on that got the place earning $10,000 a night from $2,000. He mentioned this several times. He had Stacey in absolute tears with every suggestion he made himself, that they needed a pool table, needed to open later, open weekends, needed to scrap the thursday night session and Kieran's band ever sunday, needed all new bands, needed to scrap all these bullshit posters on the walls. She protested and he told her to shut up and stop being negative, that Kieran had given him fre reign for 3 months to turn the place around. He spoke to everyone how Stacey was not up to the job and with a little confrontation she was in tears, in red blotches and he had to send her home. By the end of the week after he had sat drinking EVERY DAY in the pub from 3pm till close, and claimed every idea for his own which had been put forward in the past but rejected, he left. Exactley a week later there was a monday meeting with Stacey, Kieran (with no voice), Ray, Tall and Small and the new German Chef, Yens. Something had happened over the weekend as he sat there teary eyed in silence, very subdued. He was a broken man compared to a week ago, perhaps he was sober? Some things were discussed (including perhaps kicking out regular hostel resident, Ritchie after he turned up very drunk and very aggressive and throw the free view remote out the window). The meeting finished and Stacey started to show Ray how the bar works for his shifts this week. At some point he asked to leave and went outside. Fifteen minutes later Stacey got a phone call from Kieran to say that Ray would not be coming back. Well, that was Ray. Turned up like a bull in a china shop, arriving like a tornado and leaving like an old man's fart. At least he had pushed through some big changes. Small one was now working in the bar and opening weekends, a pool table was being brought, the sofas were coming upstairs into the Manager's flat, hostel getting some paint and luggage storage, and grudgingly some spare bed sheets. Well done Ray?

Monday 25th - Saturday 30th October 2010

Another thrilling week at the Corkman. Small one's new German Chef started and was good. Tall one finally got his nappy powder from Stacey which also worked good. Supertax refunds had given Small one his refund but still refused to say anything about Tall one's a week later. The Super Annuition companies approached to claim back super funds was a big cock up. Jenolan Caves set up both Tall and Small's accounts, spelling Conor Hegarty as Hergaly and Michael Barton as Barlon? He provided Tall one with a different Michael Barton's super ID which Super company Hostplus gave him the log on for despote giving them the wrong address and date of birth for security purposes. It was finally worked out, but now not enough Super was paid in....

Hostel getting very busy since Keiran dropped the rent. At full capacity and looks like will be after Melbourne Cup as well. A refridgeration lecturer checks in every monday and tuesday and this week Tall one asked how his day was and he said his annorexic daugther tried to cut her wrists..... weather was nice though. Struggled with check ins all coming at once and door bell going while still checking people in and then the old Indian man bumbling in asking Michael about lunch time tables and menus in the pub. Friday Night Stacey sent some American idiot knocking on Tall one's door at 11.15pm for an internet card when recpetion shits at 9pm, she then phoned to make sure he'd do it. He sent her a text after saying that we are not a 24 hour hostel and it was after 11pm he needed rest. That same night the 5 english girls in the 6 bed female dorm threw stones at the window as they forgot there keys at 2am. At 9am Saturday Morning tall one found some guy asleep in the TV room and spent a while trying to figure out if that face was one that checked in or not., When he realized it was not he shook him up and threw him out. Most of the regulars were leaving, Irish Enda who flooded the shower and turned up occasionally with blood on his forehead left after 5 months quite abruplty, may be all his debt collectors letters. Two english boys been here almost a year leaving in 2 weeks, Asian Endo and Asian Chika leaving together on Monday, thankfully as they take over kitchen and have too many dinner parties. Little Asian Chika came up to Tall one oneday and said quietly 'there is a man in my room', The english girls had brought some bloke into the dorm at lunch time and so was someone else for Tall one to throw out. The other regulars, Maurice, Ritchie, Lee and Ciarian have their bog standard conversation ready everytime they see Tall one.... nice weather isn't it or the alternative is, 'shocking weather isn't it'. The Hostel was involving more work for the same money. This sunday have 10 check outs and 10 check ins.... At least Stacey is seeing how much work there is with 15 check outs on Tall one's day off, wednesday.

Kieran's friend arriving to take over (much to Staceys distaste) and show how things are run made an appearance on Friday but will be starting monday. Apparently he owes Keiran money and owes a lot fo tax in Australia... He looked quite a sight apparently, over weight, with tight clothes and polished white teeth and dyed black hair with fake sun tan smeared all over.... should be interesting.

Small and Tall did not do much this week with the Cup on next week. Had a coffee in a weird cafe where the hot cup had no handle so was more of a pot to drink out of. Went into the pub Rohan also works at called The Queensberry, where a pint cost $10!! Chatted to Rohan in his tight black clothes, skinny arms and shoudlers, pot belly, bushy beard and black thick rimmed glasses. He does talk a load of old nonsense. He's also going to a rave that night. A strange being indeed, but a likeable one at least.

Thursday 14th - Sunday 24th October 2010

An eventful 11 days...

Starting with the most thrilling entry.... the Melbourne Titanic Artifact exhibition. Small one wanted to find his ancestor named Brown who was on the Titanic, but without a first name could pick one of one hundred. The tour moved very very slowly with very long queuing to look at a rusty teapot in a glass refrigerated case. How long it takes to look at an old slipper or a broken cup was a debateable question, as people seemed to spend over 5 minutes with one artifact. It was so slow moving and so busy that Tall one end up hating the Titanic.

Spent Sunday the 17th watching all three Jurassic Park films on TV back to back, complete with adverts and bad edits. After which walked up to Carlton Gardens where an Australian Nun named Mary was being shot out of a canon to become a Saint. She had died back in the early 1900s, and had been made a Saint because of two miracles performed. Which turned out to be that in the 1990s two people dying with lekemia and cancer prayed to Marys 90 year dead spirit and were saved. I thought the biggest miracle was that 90 years dead and she had her own internet blog? They were however giving away free sandwhiches at the canonization, which were disgusting and Small one went looking for a hungry tramp to give them to.

Tall one's day's off tuesday and wednesday were actually sunny for a change with the best weather so far in Melbourne, upt o around 25 degrees. Sat in the park and watched some rather over weight men put on some black masks and start hitting each other with wooden poles. Later took a tram down to St Kilda to see a double bill of French Movies about a french gangster, sitting opposite a large woman who looked like a melted snowman. The Astor Theatre's resident cat turned up again in the screening and sat on Tall One;s lap through the very loud trailers. People entering looked at him like a sad weirdo not knowing it was not his cat. The cat soon got bored and wondered onto someone elses lap, and throughout the film ran between people between the seats jingling a little bell on it's collar. The films were a lot longer than Tall one thought and when he came out had missed the tram and had to get a very chatty Taxi Driver to take him home.

Meanwhile work at the Corkman was continuing without much momentum. Small one still was not leaving or staying and they had still not found a Head Chef. Stacey was still not sure who she was firing and who she was keeping of the other staff. This friend of Kieran's was arriving next week to help run the place (bar not kitchen), who had very mixed reviews from being a "great guy who'll turn the place around" to a "controlling arsehole with a drink problem". Should be interesting? Robbie was brought in to replace Liam until this friend arrived, which seemed rather pointless to replace Liam who was doing a good enough job with a guy who needed training to cover for only two weeks? Tall and Small sat with Robbie on Wednesday night until 2am having a few beers. He smoked like a chimney in the bar and did not know that if the builing alarm was not set by 2am that the company phoned Stacey then Kieran, who both got calls. Stacey turned up at 2.30am but by that time everyone had gone and the place was locked up. Tall one had been trying to get Stacey to bring in some nappy powder to soak the stained hostel pillow cases, but she constantly forgot despite his remidners of 'where's my nappy powder?!'.

On Friday 22nd Oct Small one had got the night off work, despite Stacey saying no he asked Kieran who said that was fine. He had booked to see Charlie & The Bhoys playing at The Celtic Club. He went with one of the pub locals, Kevin. They drank from 3pm onwards and Small one took his new IPhone type device he'd just brought (and spent an hour on the phone to India to try and setup in slow broken english). Around 8pm on the way there after a few beers Kevin and Small one got chatting to a policeman on Flinders Street who drove them to the club with his siren on. The security at the club got worried when they saw the car pull up, and then Small one got out. Small one had a very good night and lost his voice from shouting so much, he also won a huge photo frame picture which he did not know how to send him. The club was not just full of young lads in Celtic tops there was also some little old ladies at the front chanting along with the songs. He lost his new phone case but not the phone. When leaving the club in the early hours. all the fans sprawled out across the road and sung. The police came and told them to be quiet and noticed small one leading them up the street holding his photo frame above his head. Then the police asked small one if he was the little Irish lad who got the police escort earlier. Apparently they had all been told over the radio about him and got some photos taken with him. He phoned tall one up at 2am on his way home talking in his hoarse voice a load of old bollocks which Tall one did not understand.

Tall one had a less thrilling time in the hostel. At least Kieran the owner had discussed the rent price with him and they lowered it and brought back the weekly offer as nobody had booked in since september. Usual problems with Ritchie starting to not pay up on time, and a mountain of shoes and smelly socks starting to collect outside dorms in the hallway there were some small battles to fight. Then an Indian middle aged man booked in to be near his daughter starting university over the road. Paid for a week and she checked him in. He was a little dishevelled and they bickered infront of tall one about whether he should put his cheese and coleslaw in the fridge as he claimed he had not opened them so it did not matter. Within less than 24 hours he had lost his key and was asking for another. Then would not leave Tall one alone, stopping by at reception to say 'oh hello Michael just to let you know i am going out now but will be back in about two hours time when I shall probably come back and sleep, but you can phone me if i am needed....'. Oh right. Another 7 days left of this....