Coffs Harbour update

Saturday 1st – Friday 6th November The weekend was short and was spent watching badly scratched DVD rentals. A little shopping was done in town where a strap on – pocket bin was brought for the car. On the packaging, underneath the photo of the bin in use (filled with rubbish) there was a note saying 'contents not included'. Small and Tall also stopped briefly in the Bongil Bongil National Park. A nice forest with a supposed big wild Koala population which Tall and Small saw none of. Back at the caravan site there was still no wireless Internet, the scruffy neighbor's dog still barked at them through the fence and heaving buckets of water at it just made it yelp and then carry on. Orange beetles started appearing, Tall one noticed them at his feet in the shower and counted seven, at night time they reappeared hammering on the car windshield to get to the light of the television screen, this place was hardly bliss and it would get worse.... They visited the local, eccentric Fresh Produce store. To which the nut case woman running it greeted Small one by screeching here is my best customer... did you know we also sell meat??!! Small one then watched as she pissed off each customer in turn by asking what they were having for dinner. Some did not respond and just waited for their change, the lady was un-phased and just retorted cheerily deranged, “have a good evening then thanks very much!”. Tall and Small did not want to go there again as the lady never shut up. Back at the caravan site that night a man's voice came from the dark outside the car saying “hello? Hello?”. Tall and Small wondered who it was and said “hello? Yes?”. The un-seen person the other side of the net curtain answered “what you guys up to?”. Tall one responded, “what do you want?”. He said he was curious. Tall and Small looked grimly at each other. Tall one put his head outside the net curtains to see it was the aboriginal guy who camped in a tent on his own in the middle of the field. He was standing swaying and holding bottles of VB Beer. Through his liquor breath he wanted to know if we were fruit picking, he thought we were, he thought what else would we be doing, and he thought that's it, we must be fruit picking, so he guessed right. Tall one politely said “uh-huh” in response to his rambling and said, 'well goodnight then?' and closed the camper van door. Ever since they have avoided his tent like the plague and never even made eye contact. Back to work on Monday and eight backpackers were brought in to help from a nearby hostel. Mostly Germans, one guy called Randy had a third nipple on his ear lobe...??!! Another guy camp as Christmas wore spectaculars as large as jam jars and had his white socks pulled right up to his knees below his tight orange shorts. There was also a little Asian lad who was terrible at picking, with half as many trays given in as everyone else, Bev had told Tall one he would be fired the next day. A strange middle aged man had also turned up dressed in a business suit and displaying his buisness card with his own Photography business – asking if there was any blueberry picking work for him. Bev told us later that he had been phoning for months asking for the work, but she had been putting him off as last year he was mixed up with drugs with two other pickers. Tall one and Small one continued to rotate on who stayed in the cooled Machine room and who went out on the quad 'gator' bike to collect fruit. The chocolate wallaby was still trapped in the orchard and looked a little thirsty. Back in the machine room the middle aged woman were bitching slightly less, but their skimpy clothing wore in the hot sun showed there blue vericus veins on their legs up, and along with the hair nets, it was none to attractive in there. Bruce had promised to show Tall and Small how to use the fork lift for loading the fruit, but everyday had ended up doing it himself and taking twice as long. Infact he didn't even like to let Tall and Small cellotape the paper sign on to the crate without holding the cellotape up for them. It was not until he had to stay in hospital over night from a problem with his ear that Small one got to use the fork lift and get screeched at with random directions from Bev, still managing to do it faster than Bruce. The weather that week had gone from 31 degrees to quite cold and over cats in low twenties. Rain had almost stopped work on Thursday, but for once Small and Tall had worked a full week (for some reason the farms working week ran Thursday till Wednesday). They had also decided to walk to work everyday to get healthier, which almost killed them. A trip to town to get more rentals happened on the Tuesday, where they ended up with another ten after getting free replacements for the scratched ones. While using an Internet consol in the shopping Mall a shrill girls' voice cut through the air and an arm came around Tall one's shoulder “alright darling how's it going!”. Tall and Small looked in horror, it was some rough aboriginal girl stinking of booze neither knew. Small one said he was busy on the Internet and did not want to 'chat'. She kept on rambling about where's that accent from then? Small one ignored her so she came back to Tall one with her arm round him and said “I think he;s from Iraq don;t you darling??”. Tall one said “Please get off me” and pushed her away, she left.... Another drunk aboriginal friend lost. Friday it rained all day and thunder stormed badly. The town and roads were flooded, and Tall and Small still had to go to the farm and pack what was left over from the night before. The dirt road to the farm was like a river, and a view across the fields and sugar cane plantations to the mountains covered with mist, looked like we were in some tropical jungle. We packed for a couple of hours and todd on hundreds of worms which had crawled into the wet concrete floors. Small one touched a spider as big as his fist with only five legs left, and then squashed the life out of it. It rained so much the caravan still leaked so they went to town to buy a second canopy and ended up buying a small cooker for $30 as well. Now with two canopies over the camper they have created a huge tent site the size of a circus big top – hopefully they won't get asked to pay more rent?? It never stopped raining till the next morning and Tall and Small thought the aboriginal guy in his tent must have drowned. Tall and Small visited Bev Saturday morning to load the van with the fork lift for her (as Bruce was still in hospital with his ear). She told them her friends who lived local had to travel up a road so flooded they used their 4x4 with a snorkel, and the water came right up over the bonnet as they drove through the floods. Small and Tall may have to buy a snorkel and goggles for the front of Tony soon. Thursday 29th – Friday 30th October Thursday was sunny so there was work, and it was the first time Tall and Small would be working in their new role in collecting and packing the blueberries with the machine. Tall one was allocated to using the gator quad bike to drive up the orchard every half an hour and collect all the pickers filled trays, then come back and weigh and label them for the machine. Inside the netted orchard a chocolate wallaby and a wild koala got trapped. Bruce the owner, phoned Koala rescue and they snet out two grey haired, middled aged women in their cardigans to get it. Who wondered around the orchard for an hour calling to it without any kind of net. Finally the thing made a dash through a hole in the netting, the site of them offering tea and biscuits was enough. Meanwhile Small one started the machine at 11am, his role was more supervising the machine that it was running properly and nothing got stuck. He had four women with hair nets working on a platform above checking fruit as it came down the conveyor for damages and another at the end packing the filled 'clamb shell' cartons. The group of women bitched all day about the quality of the other pickers fruit and bitched about small one as the oldest women there obviously felt she had been past over for his role. She kept pointing out to Bruce that she had years of experience on machines in factories and making snide remarks that Small one was letting squashed fruit come through and was making the machine squash it. After all the fruit was packed and the pickers had gone home, Tall and Small tied up and then helped Bruce and his wife Bev load the pallet of today's fruit onto his van. Unfortnatley this was a painful process of watching Bruc use a fork lift in an area as big as a 2 pence piece. He turned in circle and went back and forth and back and forth trying to pick up the pallett and then get it in the van and failing while his wife shreieked “BACK.... STOP.... BACK AND FORWARD..... SIDEWAYS, MAKE IT GO SIDEWAYS!!!”. No one listeed to her and Small and Tall got a headache just watching. Bruce then drove the fruit to the lorry depot and Small and Tall came with him so they could do this job when he was absent. He found out on route that Tall one had no license and Small only had a license for Automatic, so said his wife would have to do it anyway. So Tall and Small had a ride and got an extra forty minutes work for nothing. He dumped the pallet at the depot and said the fruit would arrive in Sydney at 2am, and be for sale tomorrow morning, less than 24 hours from when we picked and packed it. We got back to the farm, which we were surprised at as his driving was terrible. Then we went home to have half a cabbage for dinner. Tuesday 27th - Wednesday 28th October Tuesday morning was spent at Bonville Creek Farm again, with the bald boring machine expert and Steve who they had met in Jenolan. They went through the machine and how it ran for an hour and then chatted dully about farms and blueberries for another two whilst Tall and Small stood looking very bored. It rained the rest of the day and Tall and Small drove into town to see if they could join a video rental shop and buy some pizzas. They stopped first at the hospital where Small one got looked at for his tonsillitis and got a subscription. Hospitals were always a fun place to be. They then went on through the driving rain to a rental place, Video Ezy. They had both noticed how despite the pouring rain, there was a lot of over weight middle aged women who chose to walk the pavements bare foot??? Into Video Ezy and aftr half an hour they had chosen 7 titles for $7. At the counter however they were told they needed proof of address, unlike Sydney where they just needed a credit card. They put the titles back and left. After another ten minute drive they found Blockbusters. Small one asked to join first and was a bit dismayed when they took his credit card details including writing down the three digit pin on the back. They looked round th shop for half an hour and found five out of the six titles they needed for the six and $6 offer. They was a terrible selection and small one did not like them having his card details, so they left and closed the account. Ten minutes later in the rain they found another rentals store, Network Video. After another half an hour of looking and a $20 deposit later, they had eight titles for $7 and two pizzas from Dominos. It was a fun day. Wednesday morning came and the rain was slowing down, and there was still no internet. Tall and Small had no work, but at least they had eight DVDs to occupy them. Unfortunatley Small one decided that he must take his medication four times a day literally every six hours on the dot, and insisted on setting an alarm for 11pm and 5am to take more. This meant that neither of them got a good nights sleep until his tonsils cleared up. On the plus side they did go to the cinema for the first time in over a month. They saw a documentary film called The Cove, about an annual dolphin slaughter in Japan. After that they went to the beach and re-thought their plans of visiting the Pet Porpoise pool. Tuesday 20th – Monday 26th October As Bonville Creek farm was trying to upgrade by using a huge packing machine instead of half a dozen middle aged women in hair nets, they said no picking on the Wednesday as they were having lots of trouble. On this day off Tall and Small went to a local town on the way to Coffs Harbour, called Sawtell. It was very very windy and after splashing in the ocean for half an hour and being molested by a fat Labrador and German Shepard they sat on the sand in the sun. Because of the wind their eyes had to remain shut, as the grains grinded full blast into them, filling all their bags, pockets and books with sand. After the not so relaxing day at the beach they went back to Bonville Caravan Site after spending $40 on burgers in town (this was not so bad as they purchased an MP3 Adapter player for the ancient car radio, which the cashier only charged them $3 instead of $12). For once they actually had neighbors, a strange elderly man and a middle aged women had a fold out tent opposite them. They did not speak to them and just left the next day without incident. So much for neighbors. Back at work on Thursday which was scorching hot. The other pickers were all starting to be noticeably odd. With young German girls rudely pointing at Tall and Small as they walked past without saying anything and later started throwing Blueberries at them. At lunch time they aggressively came out with a string of unimaginative questions, 'whats your name, where you from, you done this before, how long you been here???'. All were dully answered by Small one, whilst Tall one hid behind his straw sun hat. There is also two strange middle aged men, one bearded. Both seemed to work mutely, and go back and forth over their own work and even over onto Tall and Small's rows. Another unwelcome co-worker was one of the three leeches Tall one found attached to his ankle. Two had only made it on to his sock, but the third was wrestled off of his skin leaving blood flowing for about twenty minutes. Small one spent just as long trying to burn the bastard with a lighter. The weekend came and on the Saturday they traveled to the famous 'Big Banana' of Coff's Harbour. Supposedly the first 'big' novelty statue in Australia. It was as dull as it sounded and half the place was closed. Tall and Small saw some of the banana plantation trees though to get an idea of what larger and yellow fruit looked like in an orchard. That night it rained till morning, and Small one found his mobile had been dropped and left in the grass and rain all night. For the next three days he spent dismantling his phone and drying it in front of the heater. At the same time the 'free' wireless Internet was no longer detected, and right up until Monday it was still not showing, and still not at the moment. When Small one asked the wife running the caravan site, she seemed to question quite seriously 'YOU use the Internet?', 'yes your husband said we could'. She then claimed she new not what the problem was and to speak to that same husband. The void of the Internet was filled with beer on Saturday night, and Tall and Small were drunk for the first time since entering the country. Sunday night was a tremendous thunderstorm and the sky flashed blue and white for hours, then the rain came.... The rain did not stop, and carried on all through Monday. Unfortunatly the campervan seemed to leak through the top of the doors so the bedding was wet. The wife owner of the caravan site had also said that they had already had four severe floods in the last year... the other fresh fruit place round the corner was still closed from the damage. Tall and Small wondered if their canopy and little campervan would last. Tall and Small did not expect any work that Monday on the blueberry fields, until Tall one's phone rang and it was Bev, the old lady from the farm. She and her son Steve ad left four message on Small One's broken phone since last night. They wanted to promote Tall and Small just after a week to run this new, monster fruit packing machine. Steve said they would get paid more, at $19.40 an hour instead of the $18 they were on (when they were only actually on $16.40?). They arrived at the farm and were shown the new machine for the first time, which filled the room with conveyor belts, computer screens, revolving tables, hoppers and belts. Bev left them with the technician to explain how ti worked for a few hours. He was the worst person possible to explain anything, starting from the end he worked sideways with his explanataion and then wondered off on tangents talking about how he fixed something, then back to how a hopper was cleaned and where the clam shells went. Tall and Small looked bewildered and noticed that this machine that costs thousands had a lot of 'patches' made of cardboard and cellophane holding lids up higher and channeling fruit where it was supposed to go. They did a few test runs with blueberries and it seemed to work okay, they were due back tomorrow to talk with the son Steve and go through it again. Thunderstorms were due all week anyway, and although they might lose their hand working in the packing house, at least they would be away from the leeches, burning sun and the weird berry pickers. Friday 16th – Monday 19th October Friday Tall and Small did absolutely nothing all day, and sat on their computers in the camper van, going a little stir crazy. Saturday Tall and Small visited the nearby town, Coffs Harbour. Walked up the sandy beach by the jetty where a lot of children seemed to be in some running, swimming, paddling competition. A walk up a pier and a breakwater to Muttonbird Island, a reserve where this type of bird burrow underground. At the far end two-three whales could be seen spouting and spraying in the ocean with a whale watch boat in tow. Another food shop at $75 and back to the camp site. Where a dull Sunday was had, where again Tall and Small did nothing all day and went even more stir crazy. The only thing of note was that the owners of the caravan site turned on the NO VACANY sign that night, even though Tall and Small were the only people staying in the front site, where all other sites sat empty. Monday was the first day at Bonville Creek Farm. Deciding not to walk but drive in the end they arrived at 8.15am to be told because of the rain they would start at 10.30am. They went home, which just happened to be there with them parked at the farm, and waited. Bruce then showed them around, it was not a huge place and only had one big shed and a caravan outside. A big white netted area of blueberry bushes with a kookaburra trapped inside. Bruce told us to look out for snakes and kangaroos, but not worry about them. He also told us if we found blood running down our leg it was probably a leech and to take it off. Small one looked worried. He showed them the blueberries, which were in rows of bushes in the big netted area. You got a little white pot which you roped around your waist, and a small tray at the end of your row. It took about 20 minutes to fill a pot around your waist and two of them filled a tray. You had to take each berry off one at a time, being careful not to crush it, not to tear the skin on the stem, no to leave the stem, and make sure it was big enough and ripe enough, so it took time. Lucky we were only paid by the hour not by the basket. The sun was bearable, and the work went fast. There were a few other people working, mostly women. They went home and Small posted his photos in the local post office, where the small girl serving him was a nervous wreck when he said Ireland had no postcodes. The tried the stone cold pool and sat back into the camper van, good or bad this would be the routine for a few weeks to come.

East Coast road trip

Our swimming pool at Bonville Campsite

St Michael's Church

Cooking breakfast at the beach

Soacked by a wave a Port Macquaire

Mike & I chillin at our new camper van

Photos from the East Coast road trip

NELSON BAY

LOOKING OUT FROM THE CAR OVER THE VIEW OF PALM BEACH 'SUMMER BAY'

MIKE AND I AT LANE COVE CAMPING SITE IN SYDNEY

ON TOP OF OUR OLD CAR SHEILA AT LAKE GLENBAUN

AWAKE 5AM AT LAKE GLENBAUN, I WAS SO COLD!!!

East coast road trip to Coffs Harbour

Wednesday 14th – Thursday 15th October Arrived at Bonville, a small place just south of Coffs Harbour, where the blueberry farm and chosen caravan site was. Bonville Caravan Site had a big blue sign out the front saying for 'Over 55's!' Tall and Small would fit right in. The couple running the place seemed nice and it only cost Tall and Small $10 per night for a powered site with tap, shower and toilet facilities (which despite the red plastic toilet seats and the cubicals looking like they were from Alcatraz prison, they were adequate), free swimming pool (which the owner quickly cleaned out the next morning) and free wireless Internet (which although slow at times, was pretty good). Tall and Small were given their allotted space marked as Number 1, but somehow the 1 had been painted back to front, so to see it correctly you would have to view it from a mirror. The other residents seemed a bit odd. Out the back was a 'residents' section which the owner told us to stay clear of. A few old people wondered into view occasionally, and looked rather disheveled and like lost bearded tramps, muttering to themselves. There was also a strange man parked opposite, who despite owning a camperan had pitched his tent on the roof and slept up there with the door open so all could see his bald head poking out as he slept six foot off the ground. On the Thursday Tall and Small checked out the local shops, which consisted off two petrol stations and a fresh fruit and veg shop. They brought a reduced pot of fresh yogurt and mixed berry for $4.50 from the Fresh fruit shop, but when they came to eat it noticed it was 4 days out of date and full of mold. Small one took the pot back and told the dim, lazy young girl behind the counter it was four days out of date. She said 'oh someone should have taken them out ages ago'. Small one said he would take another, then pointed out that all of them were out of date. When leaving the shop with one that was only a day out of date and smelt okay, he reminded the girl again that they were all out of date. She said 'OK', and stayed slumped where she was..... someone should probably have taken them out the fridge as well. Tall and Small then walked down to Bonville Farm where they would be picking blueberry's from Monday 8.30am till 1.30pm for $17-$18 five days a week. It was a half hour walk in the hot sun. Ahead of them down the road was an elderly couple walking their big dog. They let the big dog run free across the road, and a couple of cars had to stop and wait for the thing to move. The dog then ran into a gate by the road and a huge chorus of wild barking from loads of dogs started for about five minutes. When Tall and Small walked past they saw their dog had stirred up a 'Pet Holiday Retreat'.... some retreat, with the noise coming out of that place. They got to the farm and could see a few people working in a white netted field in rows of bushes. They spoke to the older lady who ran the place with her husband (the parents of the couple met in Jenolan). She seemed nice and would see them Monday. Back at the caravan site they tried the pool which took Tall one five minutes to open the gate, which turned out to be a button to push inside the hollow top of the seven foot gate post?? The water was freezing, but Small one managed to swim a length for the first time ever. The owner noisily roared up and down the garden on a lawnmower during this, and continued to do so for the next two hours. Wednesday 14th October Said goodbye to the two German's and made a last stop at the Port Macquaire car registry office to change ownership of the campervan. Small one went inside whilst Tall one waited in the car, as he waited a man with a black eye patch pulled up next to him. Unfortunately Small one had just finished reading Treasure Island and given the book away, otherwise it would have made a nice gift for him. Tall one brought a cassette tape for 50c from a nearby Charity shop to try and see if Tony's radio worked at all. It played an awful sound which was supposed to be Rod Stewart, but sounded more like the radio was channeling the devil. They drove out of Port Macquaire with no music, but with a line of eight cars queuing behind them, as Tony plodded on at his usual 60 km an hour. Arrived at South West Rocks to find the sky full of another dust storm, but not as red as before. Both Tall and Small were knackered and dozed in the car for two hours before driving on to see Smoky Cape Lightouse. The place was full of flies and in the car park a strange man pulled up next to Tony and sat in his drivers seat a while glancing over to Tall and Small as they drank tea. He then took his shirt off (and Small also through his trousers) and sat half naked in the car for a bit longer. He then got out topless (which was no a pretty site) and lifted the hood of his car and stared in for five minutes. He then lowered the hood and walked up some steps to the lookout point, turned and walked back without stopping. Came over to Small one and asked if he had the time. Small one showed him his bare wrists and said No. The man said is that so. Got back in his car and gave Small one a strange look and drove away. Small and Tall could not be bothered walking around much and could not find any place cheap enough to camp for the night, so decided to just drive straight up to Coff's Harbour. That was the end of their road trip, for now.... Monday 12th – Tuesday 13th October Spent the next to nights in Port Macquaire sleeping for free in a car park by the Town Beach, hoping no policeman would come and fine us. Small one wanted to park with the rear facing the beach to have a good view as we sat, but managed to park directly opposite the only fence on the shoreline. We were a little more reassured about camping in the carpark as another couple in the car pack were also staying the two nights in a campavan. Small one at first went over to ask if there were staying the night, then came back and said he didn't bother asking as he looked a bit rough and she was Asian. Later that evening the guy came over and asked us if we were staying the night, it turned out he was this barrel chested, blonde German called Sebastian and she was his German girlfriend with not a hint of Asian in her, called Mac. They were a nice couple and we chatted with them both nights and mornings, their campavan was smaller but only cost $2,000. In the middle of the night with no reason the German guy moved his campavan three spaces up from us, then later moved it to the space next to ours. He told us the next morning it was due to all the cockroaches swarming out the drains and onto his car. Unlike the previous stops, Port Macquaire proved to be very hot and sunny and got up to 29 degrees. On the Tuesday Tall and Small took a walk along the 'Breakwall' people's gallery. Which consisted of hand painted rocks along the coastline, decorated by people with their own slogans and names etc etc from the last 10 years or so. Some were interesting, most pretty banal. Walking by us was a big old woman on crutches and her husband with a grey beard, pushing a small child in an empty shopping trolley. The beach car park was full of eccentrics. A tramp kept walking past us with beer bottles and smiling over the three days, which was worrying. Then a bearded man in a van smiled as he drove past, Small one smiled back and he stopped and pulled in. The man then bored Tall one to death by telling him about surrounding towns he should visit without listening to a word Tall one said back. Small one hid cooking at the back of the van (cooking mushy peas, broccoli, potato and steaks and setting fire to a gas cylinder in the process), and the man pointed out that he cooks baked beans with noodles, those ones you just add water, he said that was pretty good we should try it. Eventually he drove off, and we watched the poor lonely bastard leave and were very happy. At 6.00am both mornings we awoke to find the car park full of cars, the beach full of joggers and the sea filled with a regular group of eight elderly, over weight men swimming in the cold water. Unfortunately Tall one went into the beach toilets at that time, only to find all eight of them showering nude in cold water or drying themselves with a towel. It was like walking into a zombie movie. Small one and Tall one had wondered about the town doing some shopping and had wondered why the town clock was an hour fast. Back at the beach the two Germans pointed out that their clock was an hour faster than ours as well. They suggested that we had not noticed the clocks going forward a while ago. We looked up when that had happened, apparently on the 4th of October, nine days previously! For over a week Tall and Small had been wondering why receptions at campsites we either open earlier or closed earlier than stated, and had been living an hour behind without knowing it. It shows how time really didn't matter on the road, thankfully they found out before arranging a meeting for their fruit picking work to start. Spent a lot of day on beach and even swam in the sea, watching children and parents both using their body boards on the waves a lot more successfully. Tall one suggested they did an hours return walk down the coast to the Rainforest Reserve, and may see wild Koalas which Port Macquaire supposedly has a large population. The walk turned out to be a 2 and a half hour walk and they saw no Koalas. When they got back to the beach, the two German's said that we had just missed some whales diving out the water as well as a huge eagle. That night we took photos of cockroaches. At least on the walk the contact for the Coff's Harbour Blueberry picking work, met in Jenolan phoned and said we were all go for the following Monday. We were worried that James from Jenolan may have phoned and put in a bad word after we walked out, but seemingly not. As Small one was on the phone with him a strange, very camp man approached Tall one in the dark and said have we not met before? Didn't you stay at the YHA and aren't you Swedish? Tall one answered 'no' to all of this strange man's questions and told Small one that they should run away as soon as he got off the phone. Saturday 10th – Monday 12th October Port Macquaire was the next stop which was a couple of hours drive north up the coast. Supposedly a quaint, seaside town, lined with Palm and Gum trees, populated by one of Australia's biggest wild Koala populations. Arriving there mid afternoon Small one had his heart on finding a new car to replace the temperamental Sheila, and wanted a Camper van. Driving on the road to the campsite was a few cars parked on a field with for sale signs on, sure enough there as a camper van for sale. Closer inspection revealed it was $4800 or nearest offer, a 1988 beige Mitsubishi, decked out with mattress, sink and kitchen table, and a DVD player and flat screen LCD TV. It also had a tasteless Tiger skin interior. After running Sheila through a car wash for $15, Small one arranged to meet the owner by the Camper van, a nice Australian chap with his short wife. Small one asked the best price the man could do on the van, and he dropped $300 down to $4,500. Small explained that they would have to sell Sheila and put up the rest of the money for the Camper van, unless that is he would like to exchange the van for her and say, $3,000? After some pauses, the wife convinced the man to agree to Sheila plus $3,000 cash, as Small one explained he should be able to get $2500-$3,000 for Sheila. Small then pointed out that Tall one had just put $50 of petrol into Sheila so could he do the same for the camper van? To which he agreed, or his wife did. Small then owned up and told him that Sheila's front passenger electric window did not work and Ford had quoted over $200 to fix it. The man said he did not mind. Then when they went to draw cash out and found they could not exceed a limit on their credit accounts or transfer more money from their savings without Internet, they found themselves $200 short of the $3,000. The man said he didn't mind that either, as his wife had told him to look after the Irish, as she had an Irish name. We swapped keys and registrations and left, hoping Sheila would not blow up before they were out of his driveway. As before, Small one had gone for the very first vehicle he had looked at, without the slightest bit of shopping around. They called the Camper van Tony, after the Frosties cereal Tiger because of the tacky interior. Tall and Small paid for two nights in a cheapish caravan site by the beach for two nights, to get the luxury of a decent shower, toilets, electricity and a beach for a few days. That morning they set out into the town to transfer their remaining money to sort out their debts made last night. Tony took five attempts to start and rattled up the hill. He is almost as old as Tall one, and has a broken horn. He's a little slow in the mornings and Small one doubts he'll go above 60km an hour, but they were happy enough after one of the most comfortable nights sleep they have had for a long time (including Jenolan Caves). After a $90 food shop they ate pizza by the beach and the weather was relatively sunny. By the time they were back at the caravan site it was overcast again, but at least it was not raining. They now had another 5-6 days before they had to get to Coff's Harbour. Very few people seemed to be staying at this Port Macquaire caravan site, only one other bizarre family pitched a tent, with the parents seemingly staying with their son and girlfriend. Nobody used the BBQ area and the pool only seemed to be used once by locals walking in off the street. Strange in contrast to every other campsite in the last few weeks which were packed due to school holidays. Thursday 8th – Saturday 10th October Left the wet and miserable Port Stephens midday and headed up to the Myall Lakes National Park, where there would be definite free camping. Stopped in a campsite around 4.00pm called Stewart and Lloyd. Supposedly we were to pay $7 to $18 a night, but only if a ranger came and collected the money. The woods were situated on a thin stretch of land, on one side was the coast, still with big sand dunes, and the otherside was the lake. There were no showers at any of these, so Tall and Small would be unwashed (Still filled with sand from the Stockton Bight Dunes) until they left Myall Lakes. There was an information board stating walks, campsites and to look out for wild dogs, or Dingos. Also a chemical toilet. Tall and Small ate another hearty meal out of a can and did there washing up in the little shallow sink by the toilet. Too which later on they found out the other campers children were using to was their dirty feet in. Wild Turkeys then stalked about the car picking up Tall and Small's crumbs. It was a dull night at this campsite, with the other campers having a lo of other jeeps turn up, spend an hour with them then leave, making Small one alert with his nose pressed against the glass watching these goings on every time a car pulled in. Friday was hoped to be a sunny day so the sand dunes could be explored properly, it was not. It rained all day and Small and Tall sat in the car reading Treasure Island and David Attenborough's autobiography. It was dismal. In the middle of the morning Tall and Small heard some blood curdling screams coming from the sand dunes, where they had seen the group of four young kids going earlier on their sand boards. They got out the car to investigate, only to see that closer to the dunes than them were the children's parents and another group of adults setting up camp who were completely ignoring the screams. After ten minutes the screaming was not heard again. About an hour later the children all walked back into the camp un-phased and washed their sandy feet in our washing up sink again. Midday Tall and Small moved further up the National Park to Mungo Brush. It was raining there as well, but they wasted ten minutes throwing bread to black swans which completely ignored them. When the rain finally stopped for about an hour they walked up the sand dunes, and fell over a number of times. Back at the car at 4.30pm it was raining again. In the middle of cooking another can of stew two security guards pulled din and came and told them there was a noise curfew at 10pm and if there was any trouble to give them a call. After that they left, and no one had even asked for the camping payments. Saturday morning Tall and Small wanted to get the hell out of Myall Lakes, as it was raining yet again and had quite enough of sitting in the car reading all day. The lack of cleanliness and comfort from sleeping in the car in the woods these few nights was also getting to them, as was the bad weather and food from a can with melted butter on warm bread. They cooked some spaghetti on toast, and while Tall one was doing the washing up a middle aged woman camp traipsing through the wet woods wearing pink slippers, a red dressing gown with purple hair. She went into the toilets past Tall one, and must have only had a wee as she was out within a few minutes. Up the road to leave Myall Lakes they had to use a pointless ferry service to cross a 20 yard wide river across the road. It was $5 per car and the trip took 2 minutes, run by a man with an enormous hat. After a brief stop at the picturesque (but still overcast) beaches at Seal Rocks they left the National Park and stopped at a takeaway food joint where they enjoyed big hamburgers with chips, coffee and milkshakes. A big relief after all that canned shit. Small one told the cashier that the food was amazing and the best he'd ever had, although he had just been living in a car in the woods for three days. The last stop before they headed up to Port Macquaire was to see the supposide Tallest Tree in New South Wales, another big statistic. It was a long un-sealed road to which Sheila struggled. Finally they got to this tree, called the Grandis. It didn't look that big, although it was supposidly 400 years old. Small one had a wee off the viewing platform and they left after five minutes. Theres not really much else to do at the foot of a big tree? Wednesday 7th – Thursday 8th October Arriving in Port Stephens around 5pm and not having anywhere to sleep they drove around following camping signs. Ending up in an expensive luxury Holiday Park overlooking the Port, called Discovery Holiday Park. Where they paid $40 for one night only. The next day there were due to try and find the large sand dunes in the area called Stockton Bight, as well as try and spot the supposed 1600 dolphins that lived in the Port. They cooked a terrible Carbanara from a packet in the grim kitchen / family room, and then had another night in gale force winds. The next day the weather was wet and windy and dismal as before. A brief trip around the town where there was nowhere to park for free. On the outskirts free parking was found and Small one re-arranged Sheila yet again. Tall and Small then went for a walk whilst the weather had settled. They saw big Pelicans but no dolphins. They had tea in a cliff top cafe which on the door stated an apology for their slow service as they only had six staff on.... there wasn't even that many tables for them to keep up with, it was only a little place. Tall and Small had English and Irish Breakfast tea, and were served it in something like Grandma's fine china. Driving on in the grim weather to the Stockton Bight Sand Dunes, advertised as the largest moving sand mass in the southern hemisphere. Mind you, most tourist sights seemed to have some carefully worded tagline to make them the longest river on such an such region or the biggest cutlery handles in any town beginning with H. The sand dunes were very impressive, 23km long and 1km wide, they were used in the Australian, Mel Gibson Mad Max film series. Again the weather was horrendous, gale winds blew sand in Small and Talls faces, the grains blowing so hard they stung the skin on your legs and face. Wet too, so the sand stuck to Tall and Small's hair and clothes. Monday 5th – Wednesday 7th October Leaving Stockton Beach Campsite early they headed out of town stopping at a K-Mart to buy more supplies, a weeks food shop and a Hungry Jack's breakfast. They then headed inland through Hunter Valley, which is full of Vine Yards and Wine Stops, which they past none of from the main highway. Un-sure where to camp for the night they pulled in to Lake Glenbaum off the highway near a place called Scone. It was a huge lake with an entrance, which after the barrier you had free range to drive and camp where you liked. Only one night was paid for at $18, and they stayed two nights as they were dishonest. The tent was first erected overlooking the lake on a remote spot, when they found out soon enough why it was so remote, as there was a rotten Kangaroo by the shore which reeked. Tall one posed for a photo by it before they moved camp. There were thunderstorms that night, followed by a great Sunset. Awaking the next morning to a valley and lake covered with mist and some twenty odd kangaroos feeding around their tent. They had unfortunately pitched there tent on a slope, and so had woken a few times in the night to be both rolled off the edge of the inflatable mattress. The two portaloos at the top of the hill were not luxury, with no water to flush one, and no loo paper in either. Both of which were mysteriously removed during lunch time. Soon two elderly couples nosily appeared and set up caravans next to Tall and Small one. One woman came and introduced herself and made a point of coming over a few times calling “Michael, Michael I have some spare hot water if you want it”. After the portaloo disappeared we saw the same lady traipsing unceremoniously back from the woods carrying a small shovel and a roll of toilet paper. It was not a pretty mental picture. The days spent by the lake were quite lazy days. The sun was very hot and a short walk was taken past Pelicans and a run over rabbit. The rest of the time was spent reading, when Small one finished Alan Alda's Biography, and Tall one had started reading David Attenborough's, which Small one ironically chose to squat ants as they bit his ankles. Wednesday was their last day by the lake, they had thought they would stay to Friday, but were bored and gale force winds were stopping them from doing very much. They used the sites showers before they left, which seemed full of retarded red necks calling to each other in neighboring stalls about how “der warder is very very cold”. When Tall and Small went into the building they found all four showers in use and had to wait for ten minutes. Finally a young lad came out of one shower, fully clothed, bone dry, with no towel or shower gel in his hands. What he was doing in there we did not know. Leaving the campsite at 12pm they headed back past Scone and up the highway towards The Burning Mountain. Which turned out to be more of a hill with some steam coming out. This was due to coal seams heating the hillside and hot steam had been coming out for hundreds of years. A large family of noisy Indians had been following them up the path, but luckily they seemed to gave up as soon as the steps started to go uphill. Leaving the mountain Tall and Small headed back down to the East Coast to Port Stephens. Friday 2nd – Monday 5th October Up at 5.30am and over to see the sunrise of Summer Bay. Found Alf's Surf Shack which was actually still signed as Sumer Bay Surf Club. Drove down the peninsula a way to Avalon where food was brought in Woolworths along with Alan Alda's (aka Hawkeye from M*A*S*H) autobiography and a boogie board for around $5 each. Bumping into those same french people again at the beach, outside the charity shop and outside the toilets. Tall and Small left Avalon before they were forced to socialize with them. They drobe up the highway and headed for their next stop, Newcastle. After their fearful (but free) night's sleep in the car they booked three nights at a beach camp site in Stockton (opposite Newcastle) for $32 a night over the long bank holiday weekend. On the way up they stopped and ate plastic cheese and red onion sandwiches in a national park and finally brought Tall one some more hair dye after searching for the right brand for days. It turned out the blonde tart on the front had been changed to a more up market woman with a less slutty look about her. Three boxes where brought for future use. They arrived in Newcastle exhausted at 4.30pm as it started to rain hard and thunderstorm, to which it continued for the rest of their night over their little tent. They fried sausages and the rest of the red onion on the gas stove sitting in the boot of the car. They hoped it would not rain for the next three days there, although it was still better than Jenolan. It did rain for the next three days however. The tent leaked and filled with water on the inside floor, after a quick trip to K-Mart and $50 later a canvas roof was erected, which collapsed in the wind within a few hours. That was abandoned and green canvas sheeting was pegged down over the tent to help water proof further, which worked. It thundered all day and all night until they left. Trying to get a good night's sleep was impossible with the thunder, the neighboring tent playing 'We Are the Champions' at 10pm and then finally at 1am an industrial boat being towed into the harbour let rip it's fog horn. On the last day we ventured across to Newcastle itself on the ferry. It rained all day there as well, but I don't think sun would have made the town any less dismal. Described in the Lonely Planet book as a town created in 1801 to house Australia's worst convicts. Not much has changed, most of them now stay on our campsite and let their children run riot on scooters around the amenities block. Newcastle was dismal and empty. No places seemed to serve any kind of food for a Sunday lunchtime. Eventually a good steak meal was had, but set Tall and Small $60 back between them. After the meal they walked to Nobby's Head, a small hill at the end of a sand spit in Newcastle, not very exciting. Nor was the Queen's Wharf, shaped like a giant erect penis, which you could climb and view the terrible sights of Newcastle from the crown. Waiting for the ferry to cross back over to Stockton, a huge boat came towed into the harbour, and infront of us a man was fishing in the rain wearing sunglasses. Tall and Small were glad to leave and the planned three days sat by the beach had been three days sat inside a leaky tent as it bucketed down outside, they still enjoyed themselves though. Thursday 1st October Packed up and left the camp site heading for Sydney's Taronga Zoo. It was a boiling hot day, and Tall and Small got burnt. At the countet to buy tickets the man said it was $45 entry, but as we were using Mastercard we got 15% off that, he asked if we used Public Transport to arrive, we said no, he said that was a shame as we would have got another 10% off. The zoo was nice, although Tall and Small opted to not pay $20 to have their photo taken standing in front of a koala and not holding it. They fought their way round the zoo through school children groups with teachers giving speeches about Zebras, and then through the Bird Aviary through the barrage of young mothers and their force of children in buggies. After the zoo Tall and Small headed up to Palm Beach, North of Sydney – where Summer Bay in the Australian Soap, Home and Away is filmed. They walked around the beach for about ten minutes only as the parking for $4 for an hour!!? They saw neither Alf nor Sally, but recognized the lighthouse on the hill and the wooden fence posts by the sand. There was no cheap campsite to pay for this night, so they deicded to pull into a lookout point called North Bigola Beach Lookout where they thought no one else would come. At first lots of old women were there looking at whales leaping in the water off shore, without binoculars it was pretty hard to make out, but more impressive than the $65 Whale Watching paid for in Sydney. When it got dark Tall and Small cooked a stew and fended off long nosed rats called Bandecoots. Some strange people visited that lookout in the pitch black. Including a middle aged businessman and a young girl who would not stop talking. When he saw we were camped there, they spent 2 minutes at the lookout and fled away in their car again talking to each other like strangers. Later a young guy pulled up in his big car smoking a joint and was keen to know where we were from and how much our car cost. After he left Tall and Small drove the car back up to Summer Bay where they thought it a safer place to sleep in the car under Alf Stewart's protection. They found another campavan filled with Frenchmen and so stayed by them by Summer Bay. Tuesday 29th – Wednesday 30th September Due at Coff's Harbour on Saturday 17th October ready for work picking blueberrys that Monday, Tall and Small had over two weeks holiday ahead. First stop was north Sydney and a nice camp site called Lane Cove River Caravan Site. It was thirty degrees and they had just left snow in the Blue Mountains. The site had a pool and electric supply by the tent for an extra $2. Two nights were paid for, and Wednesday day time was spent just relaxing in the hot sun. A chicken lunch was made to which a Kookaburra flew and landed in the middle of the table right in front of Tall one and took some chicken and flew off. Tall one also celebrated this new leg of their journey by returning his hair colour to it's fake blonde glory. Only finding one box of the dye and not two, he showered in the morning and washed the dye out to find his hair mostly orange. After a trip to the shops no more could be found, but Small brought a Blonde Toner to try and some lemons to squeeze in?? Tall one sat for an hour with lemon juice hardening his hair, worried about ants. Went for another shower when he put the toner in. To find he now came out with grey side burns and light blonde crown. He went back in the shower and used the rest of the toner, which also turned his finger tips purple?? He came out to find the bleached had mostly faded and he now had a silvery, light blonde hair tone. Back in the sun he sat with another lemon in his hair. After an hour, he had yet another shower and was as wrinkled as a prune from all the water his skin had taken on that day. Tall and Small then went for a walk up a river track and saw an awful lot of big lizards, until they got fed up with the sight of them. Tall one then slipped over on a weir crossing a river, and fell in up to his waist, soaking his shorts with mud and cutting his knee and elbow. Back at the camp site that night, Tall and Small sat and watched two green parrots having sex in front of a young boy. That night Small one told Tall one that he should be more socialable and try and speak to more fellow travellers. Within the hour Small one came rushing back to the tent from the BBQ area saying “what have I done!? Tall one don't speak to anybody.....”. He had got talking to two strange men, who's wife turned up later and said how lucky they are to be on a camp site as they always exchange numbers with people and meet up later, and wanted to know all about Small one at Jenolan and his recent ghost story, as she previously lived in Oberon. Small and Tall hid in the tent for the rest of the night

PHOTOS OF THE BLUE MOUNTAINS

OUR FIRST CAR, SHEILA. SHE DIED AFTER 2,000 MILES

MIKE LOVES HIS ROAD KILL

ME AND MY FIRST ROAD KILL

10 MINUTES AFTER WE FINISHED THE 6 FOOT TRACK

THE START OF THE 6 FOOT TRACK

Bye bye Jenolan

Tuesday 29th September Small and Tall drove the car to Oberon garage via the (again) snow covered hills at the top of the mountain road - to get Sheila's electrics fixed. After sitting in a cafe eating pancakes and milkshakes for an hour and expecting another $200-$300 bill, Small one went back and was told it was all fixed and they only owed $5. Back to Jenolan and Tall and Small packed all their bags, they had had enough of the bumbling, witless Dennis, the slightly psychotic James, power hungry Marie with her teenage tantrums, the hygiene of the apprentice chefs, the noisy and smelly staff apartments, the bad stock, bad décor, bad workers attitudes in the Bistro, changing rostas on a daily basis, being called in on days off, getting no sleep and hating the foreign customers. They had to leave before 11.45am as the exit road was closed for two hours after that, as it is daily to allow tour buses down the narrow hill road. They made it there at 11.43am to find the barrier already down and the red light on. Nothing would stop them now, so they un-dramatically drove around the barrier and not through it. Stopping at the Jenolan Caves sign to take a last photo, and a 'we're leaving text' was sent to James at 5.30pm after the banks were closed and their wages could not be stopped for the previous week. A follow up e-mail was also sent to James and Dennis, listing all of their points for leaving. There only response when they were happy to turn the phone back on was a text from James saying “hey here, where did you leave the flat keys plse”. Jenolan was finally over, as long as the wages went in this Thursday. Thursday 24th September – Monday 28th September Our time at Jenolan Caves was getting tougher and tougher. The new staff had started in the Bistro but had only been put on cleaning tables and no training had been done on service counters. Training was asked for Tall and Small to do later in the week on the busy Saturday instead of earlier on the dead days. The Australian girl was over confident, calling everybody, Hun, Babe, okay Doll... she even told the other three staff members to listen up and she told them how she wanted the dish bay organized, it was her first week...! She even served coffees in the Bistro wearing her big, black puffer jacket as she was too cold. A nice bearded customer came out and told Small one that he ran two of his own businesses up north, a BBQ business and an Adult Shop. He said the mark up on Pornographic Magazines and Books was unbelievable! Small one served the man his Flat White and found something else to do. Later, Small one had a big argument with the old lady Bistro Manager, Norma. Who asked him to get stock at 4pm when he was due to leave. Small one pointed out that he was due to work in the restaurant in less than an hour and young Ben had been dicking around doing nothing for the last few hours, why was he not asked. She mocked Small one like a child and he told her to go fuck herself, to which she replied by calling him a 'bitch'. Small one left and Norma said see you next week.... Small one said, 'you wish'. Small one wanted to leave Jenolan, but Tall one persuaded him to stay, as only two weeks left. That Saturday was a hellish night, with Marie putting the new French guy, Julian in the bar with no English. Tables had the wrong settings for customers and food was very slow out the kitchen as usual. Small one still wanted to leave. Monday morning Small one was working in the restaurant on Breakfast whilst Tall one was in the Bistro. Tall one had a very bad day, being thrown into the busy hot food section with a French man and told to train him while customers queued out the door. There was no stock, no chips, burgers or ketchup and the rice with curry was more like clay, the lasagne like soup and the pies hard as rock. The French guy thought the gravy was ketchup. Tall one asked Small one if they could leave, and Small one was very happy. Small one had spent the morning talking to a physic woman who claimed the ghost of a small girl had been chatting to her in the night about the importance of room 210 in 1864.... the receptionist was going to point out that the building was not built until 1904! The psychic also claimed she'd seen an old woman and a man in a top hat shouting at her to leave them alone. Whilst in the empty restaurant with just Small one and her own son taking photos, the son showed his photo to Small one claiming it had a ghost in the reflection of the mirror. Zooming in it seemed to show a small woman with glasses and a tall man in top hat. Wednesday 23rd September Awoke to find the sky and the surrounding landscape covered with a red dust. The news reported that Sydney was engulfed in red dust as well, several dull Asian tourists were interviewed who said “they no see opera house it tooo dusty”. The dust settled in Jenolan and Tall and Small tidied the flat and headed out to Lithgow to get a haircut and get out of Jenolan. Up the top of the hill past the dead wombat, Sheila the car conked out and came to a stop by the side of the road, perhaps Ford were right. There was no signal to call the road side rescue, so Tall one had to hitch a ride back to Jenolan on a passing bus, the same company that brought Tall and Small in three months ago. Tall one phoned the car recovery company which they were not signed up to, but the previous owner still had in her name till Dec 2009. They never asked him his name, just car details, name on membership and where the car was. They said it would be about an hour at 11.30am. The road the car was on was closing due to buses between 11.45 and 1.15pm, and Small one was left alone in Sheila with no phone signal. Meanwhile Tall one alone in the flat heard stopping footsteps and giggling coming up the apartment stairs. Opening the door to eight teenagers making their way upstairs. Tall one asked where the hell they thought they were going, they responded by asking if they should not be in here then. Tall one said no and they left, them being the third occasion that tourists have walked into the staff flats as there is no lock or sign on the external door. Back at the car Small one waited until 2.30pm for a recovery car. He was cold and used the camping blankets in the car and at some point urinated in an old orange juice bottle. The recovery man said he could not fix Sheila and a tow truck was called, leaving the key to Sheila on her front tyre the man picked up Tall one and took them both to wait for Sheila at their service station in Oberon. Tall one tried to get a haircut whilst they waited, but the fat camp man in the empty hairdressers said they needed an appointment to wait in his empty waiting room. Tall one brought a 'PRIVATE' sign for 50c for the staff apartments. Back at the service station Sheila was not delivered until about 4pm, and the driver had said he found the key not on her tyre but in the middle of the road?? Tall and Small waited longer and longer and Tall one even finished his book he only started the night before. At 5.30pm Sheila was fixed and they replaced a pump for $366. The electrics had gone on the radio and fuel gauge though which would have to wait. Sheila was now eating money and Tall and Small were not sure what to do with her. Tuesday 22nd September Tall one and Small one were given two days off. They drove to Bathurst for the day when they saw a red fan light on in the car. Leaving a car at a Ford garage to check out the broken window, coolant leak, fan light and broken headlight at 11.am, they were told they'd be phoned once done. Tall one looked in a book shop for a while, on exciting he looked through the 50c rack outside. Firstly found a book called Deliverance, described as a camping trip that goes horribly wrong, filled with violence, murderous violence and sexual violence. Inside the book the camping trip was set over three days, the 14th, 15th and 16th of September... the exact three days that Tall and Small had done the Six Foot Track last week. A small white haired, hunched old lady was also by the 50c book rack and said to Tall one, “if it's adventure you are looking for you can't go wrong with Hammond Innes' she then walked off without further comment straight through the middle of some road works. Three builders called out to her and re-directed her back onto the path. At 4.30pm they had heard nothing from Ford and saw the car had been moved out back. They went in and the snobby bird told them there was $1200 worth of equipment to buy and another $400 of labour costs to fix the broken radiator and window. They at least fixed the light for $36. After Tall one picked Small one up from the floor they left. They did find in the boot the bottle of coolant that was full, had leaked with a bad cap, and seemed to explain what that leak was. They thought maybe they were okay for the car and Ford were con artists?? They saw a children's film called 'Up' at the cinema full of giggling and crying children. On the way home there were bad thunderstorms, and Small pulled in at a second hand car lot and spoke to a dodgy Turkish man about buying Sheila. He offered them $1,000 and Tall and Small went home. Friday 18th – Monday 21st September The sun had been a lot hotter the last few weeks and now the stock room behind the restaurant was covered with foot long lizards sitting in the sun. Four new staff members arrived. A Belgium called Steffan who arrived Saturday and was thrown straight in to work that busy night, but seemed okay. An Australian girl with her friend, a gay French guy who wore a trilby hat. Then a pleasant German blonde girl turned up. Jenolan were struggling to get staff so much they now have to scower the globe. Sunday morning Sheila and Tall did breakfast for 80 people. It was chaos where useless Dave the chef did not bring out the food for the buffet and spent all his time talking to little Ben the washing up boy. People came in and there were not enough seats, complaining about dirty crockery from Sam's bad washing up and lack of food at their buffet. There were numerous other problems I will not list, but Manager Dennis turned up in his shorts saw the complaints and ran out and hid. Later working in the Bistro, they had no chips, fish or burgers in stock. The same for the next day Monday when there was a huge rush of customers and lots of complaints that there was no food. Dennis was looking for staff to help on the busy morning, and Tall one managed to hide in the flat whilst Small one just flat out refused and said he had the shits. Tall one and Small one once more wanted to leave that day, and after a lot of discussion stayed, but only just. Four weeks to go. After a hideous lunch break where Huey the night porter came and spoke to them about how the cleaners had nits, he would not take Tall and Smalls unsubtle hints to go away, such as 'Michael get ride of him will you' ....'shoo..go away!!' Tall and Small hurried back to the flat to see their neighbour's smelly door open and Dave sitting blankly staring at his TV, while it played circus music. They still really wanted out of this cuckoos nest. Wednesday 16th – Thursday 17th September In the morning Tall and Small both ached very much. They had breakfast in the restaurant where James was covering for Marie looking stressed, and miserable Louise was having to actually work hard with the boss there. Food got from the bistro was greeted by the new Norma who was still being scarily nice to them, even randomly giving them photos of the Bistro refurbishments from 17 years ago when she was still there. Tall and Small then drove to Katoomba where they had just walked from, to return the police GPS Help Signal device. They discovered that Sheila the car was leaking something underneath and were quoted $300 at a garage just for them to look at it. On the way home they saw a good sunset at Mitchell's Ridge then run over a kangaroo by Jenolan Forest. Small one stopped the car and they turned around to try and find it. As they drove back up the road one was hopping happily along the edge of the kerb and none were dead. Not knowing if it recovered quickly or was dying slowly out of sight, they returned back to Jenolan. Still exhausted they went down for the staff meal in the kitchen, while they waited for it to be prepared they had to put up with the moronic questions and bullshit talk of the seventeen year old smell, Matt and Tara. When the staff meal was finally prepared it was shown to just be a salad. Dave said it was a 'Cesear Salad' even though it was very small, barley filled the bowl, and consisted only of lettuce, half a boiled egg and some pieces of breakfast's bacon. Small one was really not happy and wanted to leave very much. The next morning his thoughts were shared by Sheila (not the car) working breakfast, who said she'd been off for two days and wished she'd never come back. New guy Sam was working with her, and had managed to find a black tie and a very creased white shirt to wear. His mother, the pestering Joanne came in and had a swearing match with him, consisting of him telling her to Fuck off and her telling him he was fucking useless. It was not paradise at Jenolan caves, where supposedly the magic happens. At least it was nice weather and Tall and Small only had another four weeks rosters to come out before they left, if they made it through the busy October school holidays without quitting or being fired. Monday 14th – Tuesday 15th September A dreary goodbye from Louise the chef when getting bacon sandwiches from the kitchen, then Tall and Small were in the car getting a lift to the start of the 45km long Six Foot Track across the Blue Mountains. Driven by Ray, with Dave in the back smelling. Ray's $600 car stereo played very loud music, skipping badly and his driving at junctions was none to safe. An hour later Tall and Small were relieved to be walking back to Jenolan from Katoomba after a journey like that. Tall one carried the tent today, whilst Small had the sleeping mats and tin food. Starting at 9.30am it was a down hill decent through the forest over a lot of fallen trees. Through a long dusty road by some horses and lots of ants and finally up over and across some big fields in the Megalong Valley. Finally getting to Cox's River where they sat and ate lunch and an Echinda came out of the rocks and they took photos of it whilst Small one threw stuff at it and Tall one made faces next to it. Further up the river they crossed the the Cox's River Swing Bridge. Which was appropriately named as it swung a lot. Not long after that they arrived at the first camp site at around 4.00pm, 15 km from where they had started at Katoomba. They were welcomed at the camp site by some hooligans driving their car through the dirt road who then disappeared for the night. Small one paranoid of the big boys in the car and of unseen snake sin the grass made Tall one cross a river and make camp in a far corner. It wasn't till after they pitched tent and lit fire that they noticed they had actually crossed a two signs saying PRIVATE – NO CAMPING.... BUSHWALKERS TURN BACK, WRONG WAY. They spent a very worried night listening out for farmers approaching with guns. The next morning Tall and Small used the camping toilets that was maintained by hungry worms and briefly a lone German walker who brought no tent or sleeping bag spoke to them and went on ahead on the six foot track. Tall and Small were due to walk 21km today to get to the next campsite, Black Range Campsite. From the map they knew it would be mostly up hill. It turned out to be very very uphill. Consisting mostly of a very long and steep dusty road going up the Black Ranges, passing a few chocolate coloured Wallabies in the woods and removing shoes in iorder to cross deep rivers that were covering their track. Tall and Small were knackered when they had lunch and a crow swooped down a pinched their last ham and cheese sandwiches from their backpack. They got to the top of the Black Range Hill at about 1pm and still had another 10km along a straight woodland track until the campsite. They had run out of water and had started to drink the untreated rain water collected from the trough at the last campsite. They finally got to the Black Ranges Campsite at 3.45pm which was full of Kangaroos and said strictly no camp fires – the place looked more of a picnic area. A car full of muslims pulled p and asked where the nearest camp site was, Tall one and Small told them they were standing in it. They then decided as it was only another 8.5km down hill back to Jenolan Caves, they would carry on that night. At 6pm the sunset and they had to use their headlamps to see the path for the rest of the way back. At 6.30pm they were struggling down the very steep, narrow and loose gravel paths heading down the cliffs into the Jenolan Valley. Finally arriving outside the familiar hotel reception at 7.00pm. Tall and Small ordered beer, soft drinks, garlic and herb bread, packet of crisps, side of chips, side of potatoes and two beef stews (even though that's what they'd been living off over the camp fire). They were too exhausted to finish, and left the bowls of stew almost untouched. They had a long hot bath and fell asleep at 8pm. Friday 11th – Sunday 13th September The Three Day Hike on the Six Foot Track was drawing nearer. Working a busy breakfast with Sheila, Small was grabbed coming out of the toilet by James (not in a literal way). He was told to go and give his formal statement to the Insurance Investigator for Jude's 'Incident' that he never witnessed. The statement was typed out and Small handed it to Tall one to read. It did not smack of much professionalism, firstly stating Small's name as Shannon Hegarty instead of Conor. Followed by many bad typing and spelling errors and general bad English for all of Small's derogative comments about Jude (limping and crying about being in pain one second, then ten minutes later carrying oil drums in full stride). The middle of the day was mostly spent getting sun burnt on the apartment balcony. The weather was getting a lot better. The Hotel Guides had found a dead Platypus by the lake, they placed a sad notice around the hotel about it, but on an upbeat note said it's bones were to be put on display after it was examined. James will probably add it to his five meat stew. Saturday was a chaotic day after a quiet Friday night. Dennis cornered Small in the morning and asked (for the umpteenth time) to get him to recommend Jenolan Caves House to his friends for work. Small one decided to take this opportunity to point out the the Hotel Manager that he would never recommend this place to any of his friends, due to the staff laziness of the likes of Louise the breakfast chef, the terrible hygiene of Matt and Dave the apprentice chefs and listed other such bad notes. Dennis was left speechless. That evening Jenolan had arranged for a special Lords and Ladies theme dinner party, at $70 per head with meals including Quail and Pheasant, the Restaurant all decked out with paper lanterns, Guests dressed in Lords outfits and Victorian dressed, with Guide Manager Dan playing piano in top hat with Partner Domino singing Opera. After all the effort, only two guests turned up. Dennis ended up inviting Guide office staff along to bulk the numbers up so the evening ended up being an awkward, fancy dress waste of time and money for twelve members of staff and one un-comfortable couple. Supervisor Marie started getting on her high horse with Small one about him working an extra hour the night before, wanting to go earlier that night and nit picking some work. Small one answered her back all night until she had nothing left to say. Small one had been doing this all week with superiors, he seems to be trying to get fired so Tall and Small leave this hell hole earlier. Small one and Tall one wanted to underline how stupid Marie really was, by reminding of the time when she came running out the bar when Small and Tall were cleaning the restaurant and Small one made a screeching noise like cat in jest. She said all excited 'what was that noise?!'. Small one said it was a wild cast and pointed into the bar area outside. She got all excited and said, 'Really I always wanted to see a wild cat!”. Small one said it was headed down the corridor towards the Kanangra Boyd Function Room. She went running down the hallway all excited, forgetting the logic that how did a wild cat get into the front door of Reception, up the stairs and into the bar area, when there are not even Wild Cats living in this country??! She came back all subdued feeling like an idiot, this was our supervisor? Sunday was a day off for Small one, whilst Tall worked the Bistro. They were now due to start the three day hike the next morning leaving from Katoomba and walking the 45km track back to Jenolan. The chef Ray (a ball of depression now Laura had left) had offered to drive them in Monday morning. Small and Tall did a provisional pack on Sunday afternoon. They found with the sleeping bags, sleep mats, clothes, food, water, pots and pans and an enormous circular four man tent hung on their backs that Tall one looked like a One Man Band. Tall headed down to Hotel shop and brought some chocolate bar supplies for the trip. Unfortuantley he had to face that gentle, white haired lunatic woman who runs the shop. Who extremely calmly and nicely seems to plague them like they were celebrities every time she sees them with inane questions, conversation points and free map hand outs. “How are my two waiters doing?” “Oh the six foot track my husband ran that forty years ago, he wouldn't be able to now”.... just leave us alone! There's something just not quite right about her, and the shop is best left avoided. Tuesday 8th – Thursday 10th September Tall one's evening off and Small one working alone in the restaurant. It was quiet and the new Australian waiter and young Chef did a big clean of the kitchen. 17 year old hill billy Matt said confidently it was not needed as the place was spotless. It was far from spotless, and was filthy, hosing down the floor the water turned black within minutes, and washing under the counters half a dozen dead mice were dragged out. A fun day on Wednesday when Small one was lamed for not doing things that he was never told to do and Tall one had a day off, but was still asked to go work in the Bistro as (as usual) someone had phoned in sick. Tall one refused and Small one spent hours trying to convince him to leave that day instead of after the remaining six weeks. Norma in the Bistro was not happy about Tall's refusal, but Small told her how things were that they would happily leave tomorrow they way the place is being run and the way it is only Tall and Small ever called upon to make up for other people's laziness and incompetence. Norma was speechless and the next day Tall worked with her and she was scarily nice. Offering him a coffee upon entry and asking what time he'd like to work until, and telling the girls to do the donkey work and not him or Small for a change. Unfortuanltey there was an incident when Tall noticed that 12 boxes of Green Tea and six boxes of Power Ade Jucie had gone a month out of date, whilst shifting the boxes out of the back gas room (stock room) Tall's foot went through the floor boards and his leg disappeared up to his knee. No injury, but just another incident. Sunday 6th – Monday 7th September After another wonderful shift in the bistro Sunday daytime, Tall and Small drove out to Kanangra Boyd Walls again to camp for the night as a trial run for the Six Foot Track next week. Arriving at the free camp-site around 4pm, Tall and Small started collecting fire wood. As Small was arranging wood in the fire place a man camping a few bays up from them walked over and said with no preliminaries “now what I would like you to do is drive further down the road and collect fire wood down in a different area away from the site, I'm not a Ranger but that's what I would like you to do”. Tall and Small carried on collecting fire wood getting covered with ants in the process, whilst the weirdo stood in plain view of them doing some bizarre series of stretches. The fire went well, and sat in the dark running the torch low Tall and Small could see glimpses of a black furry thing with a tail running around the trees. Sleeping in the tent was very cold and a bit uncomfortable just on the foam roll outs. Monday morning they were still cold and re-lit the fire as soon as possible. They then travelled to Oberon then Lithgow where they spent $50 on a joint breakfast and all $200 tips money from the last two months on a torch, new sleeping bag and some other camping junk. Wednesday 2nd – Saturday 5th September Back at Jenolan and after the first shift following the camp trip away, Small one wanted to press the S.O.S. Device for a plane to come and rescue them from the moronic staff. The Food and Beverage Manager James now had more great ideas to go with the big refurbishment of Jenolan Hotel. This was to run the Bistro Cafe with Staff for free, by using local people from Oberon required to work a certain amount of hours a week for free in order to get their dole money.... It didn't seem the best way to Tall and Small to improve service in the cafe, not agreeing that people working for free would quite be as reliable as paid staff. The girls in the bistro gossiped all week about Jude who has now left her cabin in the woods. There was a threat that she was organizing a leaving dinner party for the Irish girl Laura's last week. The guide manager had asked Small one if he wanted to go for the meal, and he replied No, because Jude is a con artist. The manager didn't seem to impressed an a notice was pinned up in the cafe saying nobody was to discuss 'other members of staff''s insurance claims. It also seemed to Tall and Small that everybody in the hotel was related to someone else some how. With Marie seeing the manager James, Laura secretly seeing the Hawaiin chef apprentice Ray (who nosily have sex in the room above Small and Tall), Domino is married to the shy Cave Tour Manager Dan, who apparently had an affair with a tour guide, the miserable, lazy chef Louise is the ex-wife of one of the Maintenance men who is now seeing Bronwyn the receptionist, and half the of the youngsters here are either children or cousins of some other staff member. It's like a hideous episode of neighbours. Friday night was another cheap wedding, with forty people eating in the Bistro Cafe and listening to the Beach Boys during their speeches. Tall one managed to try some of the Restaurant special Crocodile dish for his staff meal, which was very nice, but did not taste like a crocodile. The next morning the wedding came in bleary eyed after their $2,000 bar tab. When the pink haired bride and nervous groom finished their breakfast they asked for their wedding cake that was stored in the kitchen. Tall one went to get it and James stopped him and said, “Before you give the Bride and Groom their wedding cake, just check inside the box to see if any mice got to it”. Tall one was a bit bemused at the thought that James did not think the cake had been stored away from mice all night, and half expected to find it stored by the dustbins next to a mouse trap. He was going to suggest if he found two dead mice in the box, perhaps they could be dressed up as a bride and groom and past off as cake decorations. That Saturday evening a couple and their child came in for a meal. Unfortuantley for them the Food and Beverage Manager James swarmed around them like a fly for the whole night. Boring them with his Hotel anecdotes and his personal ideas for improvements for the place. He even dragged them away from the middle of their meal to take them down to his un-impressive cave wine cellar. Which is basically a small selection of the wine stocked in the bar put in the corner of a cave. As Irish girl, Laura was leaving tomorrow and looking for fruit picking work to extend her visa, James past on the families details to her as they were looking for Blueberry picking staff at the end of October. Laura needed work sooner than that as she was off the next day so past the details to Tall and Small who were sett to leave on October 18th anyway. The couple told them they would be guaranteed work in Coff's Harbour near the top of NSW Region. Flat rate $16.70 an hour, cash in hand working five days a week, five hours a day as it gets to hot to pick berrys after that. Tall and Small were very happy. James came back and spoke to them all through their desserts and stopped them eating, he claimed they offered him a job as well in his restaurant and had been trying to get them to sign up for his terrible food delivery service Pyramid Scheme. With him, Laura and Tall and Small offered jobs by them, they thought they should think about renting a mini bus to get up there. Monday 31st August – Tuesday 1st September Small one and Tall one drove up to Kanangra Walls local to Jenolan Caves. It was a long dirt road 32km long to reach the big valley, passing much photogenic road kill and three digger tucks repairing the dirt on the road on the way. After a trip to the valley they headed yet again back to Katoomba to return season 5 and 6 of MASH to the rental shop and buy a cheap tent. As they would be going on a three day hike on the six foot track through the mountains in two weeks they decided to test run their camping skills in the camp site in Katoomba that night. Pitching the $30 at 5pm they found it to be a piece of shit which with poor assembly instructions and pegs which bent when hit into the ground. When put together it stood half collapsed in the wind. Tall one and Small one headed for K-Mart to buy another tent. They found for $80 a tent which rolled out of a bag and popped up ready to use. They decided to see how easy it was to use while still in the shop. It came out easy enough, but getting it back into the bag took about half an hour. In which customers and K-Mart staff walked past looking bemused. The security guard came up twice and told them it was not even a tent. Small one pointed out that the bag and the tag both said in big letters 'Four Man Tent'. The security guard shut his big mouth. Tall one suggested they read the instructions, which were helpful as it they then started again and got the tent back in the bag in 2 minutes. Back at the campsite it was now dark and while assembling the tent a tramp holding a frisby ran over to them and took five minutes to ask if they wanted to run around with him and some other tramps playing frisby as they were a few people short. Small one said (while still hammering the new pegs into the ground) 'No, we are busy'. The next morning the tent was surrounded by Kookaburra birds, and Tall and Small drove back to Katoomba stopping in Blackheath to get a GPS Tracking Alarm system for the Six Foot Track hike. Which in case of emergency could be set off to send a signal for airplanes to come find them. Friday 28th – Sunday 30th August Another busy, shitty Saturday evening in the restaurant. With a corporate group of forty from the Company Food Works drinking all day and all night and treating the place like McDonalds. The loud and obnoxious clan whistled for waiting staff to come and take their orders, to which Small one replied 'I am not a dog and you are not in McDonalds'. They also brought their own bottles of wine into the restaurant and cracked them open, Small one told them they have to pay a $15 per bottle corkage fee, to which they replied they were screw tops. Small one took their bottles and their full glasses and put them in the bar fridge, telling them they had to pay or get their wine back after the meal. It was only Lunch time and they were already half cut. They put in a complaint about Small one, who was advised it would be better if he did not serve them at Dinner time. Which made a change as the Hotel organizer had seen Small one twice that week to say he'd had good e-mail or comment card remarks. The dinner was still stressful, at least the Manager, James took care of the loud mouths. Now that the young chef Owens arm was fixed James would not be making a stressful mess in the kitchen. Although Marie still had a big argument with Owen over some duplicated main course orders which weren't even needed, which accumulated into bread rolls being thrown across the kitchen.

Tuesday 25th – Thursday 27th August Another two nights off and Small and Tall drove back to Katoomba, the place where they also seems to end up. This time staying for free inside YHA in a twin room with ensuite. The first night in a foreign lady was walking up the corridor shouting 'Georgiou?..... Georgiou?' for about ten minutes. She heard Tall and Small talking in their room and assumed it was Georgiou and started knocking on their door shouting 'Georgiou? Georgiou!!!'. Small one replied very loudly....NO!. Wednesday Small and Tall did some shopping and then did the 2 hour return track down to the base of the Bridal Veil Falls. It was a nice sunny day and a nice walk. Although not very good on the knees. That evening they ate in a local pub and went in and ordered two beers. The bearded gentleman serving in casual clothes with his two middle aged waitresses in flowery house dresses said they did not serve alcohol. Small and Tall had hot chocolate and sat by the fire. It was a weird place, decorated like some strange reclusive religious cult. With wood stairs and tables small enough only for hobbits. The customers were just as strange as Small one had a man sat alone right over his shoulder, who when his date arrived started discussing the first time he used Mouthwash. Two strange elderly gentleman came in and started prodding the fire infront of Tall one and blowing gently on it with his lips while keeping his arse firmly infront of Tall one's nose. Although decked out like the Little House on the Praire, the place had electronic sliding doors made of wood. Thursday morning and to the Katoomba cinema, this time with no special needs bus. Saw the Taking of Pelham 123 and were the only two people in the whole place. Drove back to Jenolan and Small one did not want to go back. Working that evening Marie and James Brady were back, but at least James was now out of the chefs outfit and in his proper job of Manager now that the chef was back. The restaurant was dead quiet for a few days anyway, and luckily Tara was on holiday for a week so another break from annoying staff was underway. Thursday 20th August – Monday 24th August Back at Jenolan to find that Dennis was now turning up to work wearing shorts, which made everyone feel rather giddy. Small one made him feel giddy when he handed in Tall and Small's notice for the 18th October as a leaving date (just\after the next busy school holiday period). Dennis did his nervous coughing thing and said he was disappointed as he thought we were here till Christmas. A quiet few days were worked in the Bistro and Restaurant as Marie and James Brady had gone no holiday for a week. Thing ran much smoother in every sense. No sign of Jude either who had apparently decided to do volunteer work working in the Guides Ticket office for free?? Working in the Bistro Tall one had a confusing moment when an Asian woman came up to the hot food counter and ordered a Skinny Cally. Tall one said excuse me? She repeated, 'One Skinny Cally'. Tall one replied, 'a Skinny Cally??'. She said, 'Yes a Skinny Cally'. Tall one said, 'I don't think we do Skinny Cally??' he pointed to the big menu on the wall. She went over to it and put her finger on Chicken Curru and said 'Skinny Cally, Skinny Cally...'. Tall one said, 'Oh you mean Chicken Curry, sorry I only speak English'. On the sunday evening Tall and Small drove to Bathurst and saw Inglorius Basterds att he cinema which was much better and enjoyable than expected. They avoided the many local red necks and got a Dominos Pizza and left quickly. Dominos miss spelling Conor as Connor yet again. Monday 17th – Wednesday 19th August Small and Tall stayed the night in a camp site in Katoomba where there was a talking parrot. Sheila was mocked up badly with net curtains for the night and was very cold. On the Monday morning Small one went back to the RTA and did the theory test to try and become road legal. He past fine and enquire when he could book the practical test and was told tomorrow. It was booked and after finding an Australian Driving Instructor to have one $50 hour lesson that afternoon was set for the test the next day in Springwood outside Katoomba. The practical test went very well as well and Small one within 24 hours had gone from having an Irish Provisional License to an Australian provisional license to an Australian License (a Red 'P' 90 type to signify Passed Driver to stay under 90 miles an hour for the first year). Unfortunately though Sheila's car window had broken, and like Dave's borrowed car, the electronic window on the passenger side no longer went down and stayed stuck up. Before it got Dark Small and Tall went back to the Jameison Valley in Katoomba to do the Federal Pass walking track down into the valley and back up. Over estimating the time it would take, it took 2 hours and got dark quickly. They lost the cra for about half an hour. On the Tuesday night they slept in Sheila parked outside the YHA Hostel in Katoomba, free parking and shower use for $2 each. They later found out that Jenolan caves staff could stay inside for free anyway. Sheila was given a make over with storage boxes and proper curtains brought. Wednesday Tall and Small drove back down to Springwood phoning up Fruit picking jobs on the way and finding most said no work for a few weeks and could not guarantee anything. Past Springwood into Glenbrook they drove towards the Red Hands Cave advertised as a cave with original Aboriginal hand art. It was a long 15 km dirt road to get their, which Sheila got very dirty. At the caves themselves it was found to not be a cave and more of a wall face with some hand prints down the side behind a big cage. It was still quit nice but not sure if worth the long long drive through all that filth. Back up towards Katoomba and Small and Tall drove down into the Megalong Valley where they patted some Horses for a while and saw some Kangeroos. After not finding any definite jobs, other than some potential leads up in Townsville, Ayr in Queensland, they decided to go back to Jenolan where they could save more money and have no living costs. Friday 14th – Sunday 16th August The Friday night was empty in the restaurant. Small one was asked to help wash up in the kitchen while Tall one was told to tidy stock rooms as there was five staff on the floor for the three tables that were eating. On the Saturday night it was the opposite, there were over a hundred guests and the back and front room were in use. The loud mouthed bitch Tara was working (who is usually just on reception) and the staff were split into sections. Small one was given the whole back room to himself and Tara was told to help out anywhere needed in the restaurant. She deliberately didn't bother helping Small one after the complaints from her party. Taking a drinks order for Small one's big table of 16 people and telling him half an hour later to get it for them when she was doing nothing. There were a lot of guests complaints and Small one and Tara had a big argument. Meanwhile, the Irish girl Laura served two Alcoholic drinks to two recovering Alcoholics by mistake after mis-understanding their order of two Gingers. The few days back no sight of Jude was seen at all, lots of hearsay in the Bistro and she is clearly not liked. A memo was put up for people to stop chatting about her and the accident. The Bistro was entraining with the irritating American Girl Molly slicing her finger in the Ham slicer, which Small one had been wishing for. A lady asked Tall one is the Vegetable Burger was vegetarian? Tall one replied, 'Yes, it is made of vegetables'. A Chinese man pestered Tall one asking where the Chinese Restaurant was. Tall one said there is no Chinese Restaurant here you would have to go to the local town Oberon. The Chinese man persisted, 'where I get Chinese food'. 'Go to Oberon' said Tall one, 'There is no Chinese Restaurant HERE' he replied. Tall one continued, 'No this is just a hotel not a town, there is no restaurant'. The China man was still confused, 'What about round the back is there a Chinese Restaurant'.....'For the love of God NO'. Tall and Small finished work and walked up the the Devil's Coach House lookout point which was steep, tiring walk. After which they sat outside the Bistro and fed Parrots by the do not feed the Parrots sign. Sunday was a special day run by the Hotel Manager Dennis, the nervous coughing, disliked Manager wo was due to leave but surprised everyone by saying he was now staying. Today Dennis had arranged for a bus of twenty Indians to be hosted in the hotel as they may be potential clients for a party later in the year. He gave them free Blue Tongue beer, which they drunk to excess, he got Tall one to get them whiskeys free and said make them doubles. Tall one was then asked to help them with their bags to their rooms. Tall could not help twenty people and only helped one, after waiting for them to check in, wait for them all to use the elevator he finally got the the room after half an hour of taking one bag upstairs. The Indians were all a bunch of obnoxious creeps, and after Dennis crawling up their arse for a few days hopefully they found a better venue for their party. After the terrible Indians, the Tara incident and James' constant outbursts and bad tensions throughout the hotel, Tall and Small were about ready to walk out. They now had a few days off and we not due back until Thursday evening. They packed up Sheila with everything they owned and drove off not expecting to return, planning to phone Dennis and give him the good news on Wednesday after their wages had gone in. Driving out of Jenolan they pulled over to take a photo by a rotten dead Wombat by the side of the road, as they took the photo the two alcoholics served the night before drove past. Wednesday 12th – Thursday 13th August Next few evenings and mornings had the same group of 120 school children eating. An awkward shift of working late evenings till 11pm, then upat 6am to serve them all breakfast. Mostly Asian children, they were all very timid and gullable. With Tall and Small as their dinner ladies for the next few days, Small one wound them up with his lies. Suggesting that their chocolate dessert jad Kangaroo meat in. Putting down main meals at a table but asking first who was the best football player at the table – after one child was eagerly decided as the best Small one announced 'you get your food last then'. Inbetween the school dinner the usual restaurant guests were squeezed in. One Australian couple asking for Small one's e-mail address so they could research the name of an Irish Golf Course they visited twenty years ago and e-mail it to him. Then on Thursday night after only sleeping a few hours the last few days, Tall and Small were awoken by the loud mouthed local receptionist girl, Tara having a party in the room above them with more local red necks from Oberon. Banging on the floor till 4.30am. Tall and Small started work the next morning very tired, working with Sheila who described her as an Animal. Seeing Tara later ni the day and not receiving any kind of apology. Sunday 9th August – Tuesday 11th August Tall and Small had changed there minds about going to Sydney, then after working the breakfats shift and finishing early decided to go anyway. Caught the Blue Mountains bus at 3.30pm back to Katoomba diven by the same lady who drove them up 8 weeks before. Waiting in Katoomba station to catch the 5.20pm train to Sydney - which was full of tramps, muslims, asian tourists photographing toilet signs and a man with very white socks and very black shoes. Arrived in the very familiar Sydney Central Train Station at around 8.00pm to find none of the old familiar tramp faces. Walked back up to Harbour City Bacpackers where we had pre-booked a twin room with wireless internet access – but the forgien chap with the tired eyes behind the counter gave us a 4 bed dorm (with just us staying) that had no wireless, smelt of hash and was in room 302 next to our old room, 301. Started to look for Campavans and Cars. Made the decision to not go for the first thing we saw and if we liked the campavan would still say we would let them know the next day so we could shop around and be thorough first. Saw an advert in the hostel for a 1988 Campavan, really nice friendly size and lots of stuff included. The young German owner 'Julian' drove 40 minutes from Manly to come and see us. He made an over thorough presentation of the campavans goods, even taking the time tog et the toaster included out of it's box – we didn;t care what the toaster looked like, we told him we already knew what a toaster looked like. We looked around it, there was no spare tyre or working horn, but was perfect size and $5,000. Small one said we'd take it and would pick it up tomorrow at 4pm. We had taken the first car we had looked at. As soon as Julian drove off we noticed a silver, 1997 Ford Falcon estate car parked behind him for sale at $2,500. Small one said let's give her a call now, Tall one said, but we have just agreed to take that one??! Small one phoned her anyway and woke her up at 10pm as she worked early mornings. She got out of bed and came down to show us the car, she was a bit ditzy. The car was registered till June 2010, whilst the campavan was only till Dec 2009. It looked immaculate in the dark inside and out. Small one agreed to take that car as well and pick it up at 3pm the next day. Tall and Small were now buying two cars, and neither of them had a license. Next day met Conor's friend Lisa for lunch and then he let poor Julian and his campavan down. Saw Public Enemies at the cinema which was not much cop. Brought the car which was christened Sheila after the silver haired old worker at Jenolan Caves. Drove to Coogee beach were some Chips were brought. Headed back to Jenolan on the Tuesday as were working that evening. A short break for food in a breakfast cafe where Tall one left the keys to their new car left hanginging in the car door while they went inside. While eating they read an article in a toruist magazine that Jame sbrady the stressful Food and Beverage manager at Jenolan Caves had written, saying how he'd planned to upgrade the quality of Jenolan and retirn to the high standard food and service days of old. Stopped off in Blackheath at Evan's Lookout across the Grand Canyon valley of the Blue Mountains. In Katoomba Small found the RTA office and registered the car in his name, enquriying about upgrading his illegal Irish Provoisonal License to a full Australian one was told he'd need to sit the theory test and takle a practical test. A Theory tesy was booked for next Monday. Small ojne phoned James at Jenolan to fax proof of address to RTA, he mentoioned on the Phone that Jude from the Bistro was filing an insuranc claim againgst Jenolan for a bad trip / fall she had, and had put down Small as a witness. Small knew nothing about this and had not even seen anything. Back on the road and depressed returning to Jenolan again. In for work and James in he kitchen (after reading his article of improving high standards at Jenolan) annoucned they were going to try a new brought in frozen pork curry to be microwaved for the Bistro (which was bright red) and also asked if we'd try his new 5 meat stew. Small one asked what was in it, James said whatever meat was left over from the week. He then sold it re-heated and re-heated in the Bistro every day for the next week advertised as 'Kangaroo, Pork, Chicken, Beef and Lamb Stew'. It didn't go down well in any sense. Friday 7th August – Saturday 8th August A short shift in the restaurant that evening. Long enough to over hear a strange guests calling his two children 'Puppy' and 'Dinner' to stop running around and sit down. After work the worst staff meal ever made was handed to Tall and Small, which was just a bowl of warm, pale green mush... The concoction of 17 year old Mathew, Tall one asked him which Prison he sent off for the recipe from. Matthew has also recently got a tattoo on his arm of a roll of film, claiming it represented his love of movies (from his DVD collection his love of teen comedies and cheap action films). The next morning Small one was roistered to work 7.30am breakfast. Up at 6.30am and dressed to go, when he got to the restaurant he was told by Marie he was not needed. Back at the flat an hour later, ready for bed again there was a phone call and he was asked by Marie to go to the Bistro. Changed again and back down to work, followed by Tall one an hour later. A long day slaving over coffees and chips for Tall and Small left them both exhausted and pissed off with Jenolan House. After the un-necessary outbursts from their irate boss James, putting up with the tiresome jobs and 'ideas' given to them by Supervisor Marie which would be contradicted later, the days off which were ruined by being called in to cover an absence and finally the useless staff in the Bistro – Tall and Small were both about ready to leave Jenolan. Planning to travel to Sydney on bus and train after work Sunday afternoon and buy a campavan, they would soon have everything but money in place to leave... Thursday 6th August The day of a huge function for the Blue Mountains Hospitality and Tourism Awards. A 15 hour day for Tall and Small being made to run stacks of 80 chairs back and forth between function rooms, then told to bring them back, then take them back down again etc etc. To move 5 three seater sofas from downstairs up through the elevator into the dinning hall and then back down again. Laying up the dinner hall for the function a Pianist was tuning the piano in the corner and for over two hours was playing single keys over and over again..... everybody really wanted to shoot the bastard. When it came time for the function they were joined by eleven student helpers who had little brains to help serve. A young coloured guy in the group approached Tall and Small and shook there hand announcing it was nice to see them again? It was not nice to see him as his hand was moist and wet. Well over staffed there was not enough work to go round and a lot of staff just stood about bleary eyed. Marie briefed everybody and put them into teams allocating table numbers. When it came to service she fucked everything up by just grabbing anybody passing to take food to any table number she reeled off, leaving everybody, students and regular staff bemused to what was happening. This caused a big argument between Marie who got James to get Laura, Tara and Small one to the office and shout at them that he wouldn't give a fuck if he fired the lot of them....(over his girlfriends fuck up). This is one of many regular occurrence for James who working everyday in the kitchen non stop (particularly now he fired Tony for getting drunk) he is constantly run down and short tempered, working with a constant murderous facial expression. Tall one escaped the joys in the kitchen as he was allocated to pour wines for the guests. Spilling red wine over his own white shirt he was told to go to reception where they had some magic stain remover pen for red wine. At reception he asked for this remover and was handed a bottle of white office Tipex. Tall one said he'd rather have a red wine stain than Tipex. To make the evening even more enjoyable for Tall and Small, the rather camp organizer in a bow tie and red waist coat announced that he didn't want the waiters to wear black ties, and handed out multi coloured neck scarfs.... Tall and Small avoided putting them on until the last minute, and were made to look like some kind of camp bank robbers in a bad western. One guest even queried with Small one if he was Spanish or if there was a Spanish theme tonight? Another mysterious theme was found out when Small one found some cigarette but ends by the chocolate liqueurs and cleared them away, only to be asked by Marie why he threw them out as the cigarette butts were part of the 'theme'. None of these themes made the award ceremony anything more than dull. Even the guests exclaimed to Tall one how bored they were and asked where they could get stronger drinks than being served. Jenolan Caves won two awards for their cave tours, but nothing for hospitality. Thursday 30th July to Wednesday 5th August Small one was back in the Bistro on the Thursday. With Jude as the supervisor she cornered small one and kept offering him free 'stout' and lamb roasts, and then would bring up the subject of how she was dying and in debt again. Small one failed to mention all the calls we were getting in her old flat from debt collectors. Jude then produced a three page letter she claimed was from her mother dying in Hospital the other side of the country. She now exclaimed how she had no money to fly over there and she may not see her mother again, and then got on to the subject of how much money had Small and Tall saved for their car? They were short staffed that day and Tall one managed to hide in the flat on his day off, the soulless and miserable chef Louise informed Jude she could not help either due to an appointment that day. Small one got through the day with just himself, Jude and Antoinette (the 50 year old woman with a lazy eye, who up till now had seemed a little slow on the up take). The next day it was Tall one's turn to work in the Bistro. The chef, Louise announced she could work this day but only till lunch time due to an appointment in the afternoon. Jude on the other hand had gone even further with her sympathy plea. Tall one arrived to find her on crutches grumbling about with a bare foot out. It was then decided she had to go home, but only after she had shown off her crutches to everyone. Tall worked with Antoinette all day who took on the supervisor role and redeemed her useless image. Through Antoinette Small and Tall found out some other horror stories of Jude. How she'd borrowed $2,500 from the Supervisor Norma and it took her 6 months to get it back. Jude had also borrowed one waitresses digital camera and never gave it back, the girl said she needed it and would ask the manager about it and Jude changed her tune to say it had been stolen that week. Apparently she'd also been given community service for defrauding money from the government. The love of her life, the little girl Sascha had been left in the hands of the football coach for three nights over the weekend, when it had only been arranged for the coach to look after her till the evening after practice when Jude could pick her up. The coach had been phoning Tall and Smalls apartment to locate Jude as she'd been lumbered with the kid for days. Various members of staff at Jenolan have confirmed that Jude is suffering from Skin Cancer, Breast Cancer, Lung Cancer (but not in her lungs, between her heart and lungs) and has been under chemotherapy but still able to drive herself there and keep her hair. Tall and Small decided to not go for any of the roast dinner invites and avoid the sympathetic stories she feeds them from now on. On the Saturday the 1st August there was a big Wedding function in the evening which every table and chair was laid up for the meal in the restaurant, front and back rooms. The actual wedding ceremony being undertaken in the big Lucas Cave went badly, as one of the guides locked out half of the guests who had travelled to see it, and missed the whole thing. Small and Tall had to help lay the tables for the wedding room and were helped by a rarely seen organizer woman called Domino – who although had the name of a Bond Girl, certainly did not look like one. The restaurant part of the dinner went okay, although Tall and Small were delegated to serve other people in the restaurant. After the guests left that night Tall and Small were asked to re-lay the entire back and front room for breakfast. Breakfast the next morning not a single one of the chairs or settings in the back room was touched and they were told to then re-set them for evening dinner, taking another hour to do so. When they returned at lunch time they found Marie (the French/Canadian Restaurant supervisor with the shrill voice and bad decisions) stripping all the tables in the backroom down for a big eveniong function next Thursday. So they had re-set and re-laid for nothing. Wednesday 29th July Small and Tall decided to travel to Katoomba for the day and see the Jamison Valley. Leaving at 5.30am and borrowing Dave's car again, this time finding the radio had broke as well as the windows, and there was even more rubbish in the back than before. Arriving in Katoomba at 7.30am driving through a nice sun rise over the mountains. It was bloody freezing in Katoomba and so their time spent viewing the Three Sisters rock formation in the Jamieson Valley was very brief. Went to the cinema to see Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. Was served by a Japanese man wearing a scarf behind the coffee counter who served them to damp and hot pies. In the screening of Harry Potter there was a group of down syndrome kids on an outing at the front who rocked throughout the movie. What was concerning was the two adult red neck males sat in the row right infront of Small and Tall. Who sat both in complete silence staring coldly at Harry Potter, until suddenly they started commenting loudly on what was happening on the screen, “Oh Harry don't”...”That's Funny, HA HA HA”. One of them then started to turn around and just stare at other people sat in the cinema, in particular at Small and Tall behind them. Eventually Tall and Small were so un-nerved they moved three rows back. At the end of the film, expecting the red necks to get their shot guns, they were surprised and relieved to see that they were infact with the down syndrome day trip. Food and general shopping was done. In Coles supermarket a little old lady called Small one over and held her finger on a price on a shelf and asked 'is that a 6 or an 8'. Small one said 'well if you move your finger I can tell you'. What was more disconcerting was that a seventy year old woman was asking the price of fanny pads. Back at Jenolan at 4.30pm Tall and Small investigated their flat for that lingering bad smell. Behind the fridge they found a dead mouse and opted to remove it by borrowing the Henry hoover from the restaurant. Down at the restaurant they asked Jude to get them the hoover from under the table, she said not to worry, that they could just borrow hers instead from up in her house. Tall and Small wondered why walking 2 miles up hill in the dark to get her own hoover instead of her handing them the one at her feet was logical. They asked Laura to get it for them instead and they were on their way. After sucking up the rodent they returned for the staff meal, bowl of lasagne. While eating it Jude came in from working in the restaurant again and the new chef Tony asked her if she was having a staff meal. She replied 'No, I'm in too much pain'. Tony inquired why, and she responded with the 'I suppose you may as well no everyone else does' and explained her cancer condition and financial situation. Tony managed to correct her on the condition she listed off and she went back to work with a trembling lip. Small and Tall went to bed to be awoken at 1.30am by a lot of loud shouting from upstairs in the staff apartments. It was the young Irish girl, Laura and the big chef, Tony. Yelling and swearing went on for about an hour, and Tony sounded very pissed up. Eventually James the manager who hired Tony came up and took him away, not very happy. It was found out later that Tony had gone drinking with the young apprentice chefs, Matt and Dave and gave out to them how useless they both are. It became heated and he had pinned Matt against the wall, until Laura stepped in and the two boys hid in their room until Tony was taken away. Tony was dismissed the next morning. Tuesday 28th July The first of two days off in a row. Another cave tour was booked at 1.15pm. The River Cave Tour guided by Ian, a white haired man with eyebrows in desperate need of a trim who referred to everyone collectively as 'kids'....'come along kids'...etc. The cave was nice enough, but caves in general were getting a little tiresome to Small and Tall. Particularly the same speech about stalagmites and stalagmites and not touching the rocks as the acid in your hands damages them. What made this tour worse was that there were 1300 steps involved, Tall and Small were exhausted and then Ian with his eyebrows would talk for 20 minutes at one spot about how the cave was different when he visited it as a boy in the 40's. Afterwards a much needed hot chocolate and carrot cake was eaten from the Bistro and photos taken of the parrots outside. In the evening Tall and Small decided to eat in the restaurant that they had been working in nearly every evening for the last four weeks. It was an interesting experience, mostly due to the different perspective of the guests, other staff and service from a seated position. Covering for them waitering was Jude from the Bistro. Who as always managed to slip in a reference to how little money she has and how her child has no one to take care of her when she goes from cancer. Small and Tall just wanted to eat their Rack of Lamb and Vegetable Involtini. The Vegetable Involtini usually being $26 on the menu contained only carrots and boiled potatoes in a pasty wrap? After food Small pne had a lot of missed calls. Turned out it was a campavan company which Small one had e-mailed a query to for when they purchase one. What followed was a torrent of calls from a desperate salesman to sell them something. Telling him all they wanted was an automatic two man campavan for around $4,000 the salesman would phone back saying he's just had come in a manual caravan for $7,500..... Monday 27th July Small one was clearing out stock rooms as he has done the last couple of Mondays, whilst Tall one worked Breakfast with Laura, the young Irish girl. Finishing at midday Tall and Small went back to the flat to find that Small's Small laptop had about ten ants crawling out of the keyboard??? After exterminating the ants Tall and Small went for an hour and a half walk down the River Track. Past a little water fall and past the Manson family, until they found a dead Kangeroo which Tall one posed for a photo next to. They came across two of the Jenolan Maintenance men working down in the sewage plant at the end of the track. Telling them about the dead kangaroo the two men said they better do something about that. They followed them up to it and watched as the two men just chucked the kangaroo in a bush. Back for lunch to find the Bistro Cafe hich had been packed the last four weeks was completely empty at 2pm (now Yule Fest and School Holidays were over). Tall and Small ordered pie and cold chips and whilst they ate Judith came and sat down and told them teary eyed more of her bad news with her cancer treatment that week. There was not much for Small and Tall to say back, they barely know the woman. Sunday 26th July Small and Tall both on Breakfast. Last night was the last big Yule Fest dinner and both had been promised that their hours would half in the coming weeks and they may regain consciousness. Working with Shelia over a very busy breakfast, Small and Tall are now both extremely sick of the music play list that is on every single morning for the restaurant. An album of pan pipe music, where men piss all over great hits like Perfect Day and Every Breath You Take with pan pipes. Followed by the same Frank Sinatra songs, Tall and Small can now recite the lyrics to New York, New York through grit teeth and tears. Sheila spoke about the special one off Yule Fest still to go that night, which was only for 18 adults and 10 children of one family who return each year for it. She said they were the Manson family, although later we found they did not share the same name as the serial killer, but were called the Mansfields. Sheila informed Small and Tall that the family were all a 'bit weird' and we were not to speak to them, particularly the young man in glasses as he will try and befriend you and come back and visit. That evening the family seemed relatively normal, with the exception of their many many young children running riot. Small one worked the bar, where a middle aged couple asked if he could put on any music. Small one informed them that there was a Christy Moore CD in the player, they said they would love to hear some traditional Irish folk music. Christy started singing about that whore he met, and the husband looked to the wife and told her this is what you wanted to hear. Back in the restaurant a family with two young children sat down. The two five-six year old children were scarily well spoken, the young girl turning to Tall waiting to take orders and informing him that 'Apologies for my brother, I am afraid he does take his time when ordering food'. Small one sat another couple who resembled a grey haired man with his over the hill Thai bride. Small headed back for the bar and informed the grey haired man and 'partner' that the Tall one's name was 'Michael' and he would be serving them for the rest of the night. Then for the rest of the night every time they asked Tall one for anything it was 'we'll have the Pork Michael'... 'What wine would you recommend Michael?'.... 'Michael we have a question'... 'oh thank you Michael'. Michael found it all a bit weary. The last weirdos to come in for the night was a woman with her odd looking son. Small one sat them at a table, pulling out a chair for the young man who avoided Small one and pulled out the other chair and sat. The woman finally sat down and when Small went to put her napkin on her lap she shrieked 'Ooh don't touch me!'. Indeed it was not just a phobia of Small people that they seemed to have, as when Tall one took over the service for the night he found that the boy refused to let go of the menu when he went to take it from them, and had to pull it fast out of his grip. The woman kept on and on about not wanting to find bones in her trout and when she went to show Tall one her room key and room number to charge te account, she held it up and well away from Tall one so he could not read or breath on it. When he leant forward to read the details she moved it further away from him as if he would infect it. The night finally ended only for Tall and Small to find yet another un-enthusiastic effort at the staff meals. Last night all they got was left over chicken legs and nothing else, tonight Tall and Small got rice in a bowl and all bits of mixed meat left over from the Yule Fest fucked in with it. Starting to feel like the Hotel's pet dog the way the kitchen only feeds them left overs or food from a bowl. Small one declined again, but made some of his very nice Hot Chocolate for everyone. Back at the flat, Australian Television was showing the end of Oceans Thirteen, followed by Oceans Eleven. They can;t even show a series of movies in the right order in this country. Friday 24th July Back in the bistro cafe again. Serving on the coffee and tea counter a little white haired woman in a bobble hat asked for a tea. Tall one asked if she wanted milk, she said 'yes, but I want to pour it myself'. Tall one took the cap off of the bottle of milk and handed her the bottle, to which she said, 'I'd like the cap as well'. Tall one did not understand why but gave it to her and watched as he put her money in the till. She started to nervously pour milk into the cap as a measure, then sharply looked up at Tall one and said 'don't watch me pour my milk'. Later over on the hot counter Tall one had another bright customer ask what kind of soup they had, Tall one said 'Pumpkin Soup', and the lady asked what was in it.... Tall one replied 'Pumpkin'. The rest of the afternoon was busy and made worse by one of the teenage girls throwing a teenage strop at Norma the Manager as if she were her mother. Walking out in tears, Tall one had to manage the hot plate alone until she returned in a strop. At the end of the shift Tall one and a young lad working during school holidays ran to get the stock for the Bistro from up the hill. As the Yute truck was out they had to trolley it down the stairs and hill. Three trips each and Tall one fell down the stairs almost breaking his ankle, then the jars of sauce all fell off the trolley and smashed or rolled down the hill towards the bistro. A big jar of Mayonnaise was broke all over the road which the Magpies started to eat. Small one was feeling better after another day of avoiding the bistro, but a busy morning serving breakfast with Sheila. Neither were keen on having another staff meal again though as tonight they served Kangaroo meat chopped into a bowl of rice. Skippy tasted a lot like Bambi, but Small one refused to eat again. Thursday 23rd July Small and Tall's day off. This was spent solely in the flat, with the exception of cautiously entering the Bistro cafe to get lunch without being asked to work. Unfortunately a day spent in the flat was un-wise, because the evening staff meals had consisted of meat with sauce and pasta in a bowl every night for the last week, Small and Tall's flatulence was not smelling to pretty. A lot of films and very bad Australian TV was watched. With an Australian version of Harry Hill's TV Burp, and numerous local TV advertising but broadcast Nationally. Adverts for a local school community football team in Darwin or a shop that sells Men's Fleeces on Fort Street in Alice Springs were both advertised across the country with their terrible low budget actors and graphics. Tall one also discovered that the water filter he had brought last Thursday actually made the tap water taste worse whilst Small one got sick and went to bed without watching any episodes of M*A*S*H. Wednesday 22nd July Tall one had a day working in the busy Bistro Cafe with the old ladies and teenagers whilst Small one worked breakfast then went and hid in the flat when he heard the Bistro were looking for him to. The Bistro was enjoyable as usual, with the joys of translating Asian, American and Indian customer requests.... Asian men stepping out of the queue and just demanding a steak sandwich.... 'we don't do steak sandwiches'....'I want steak sandwich'. Indians panicking at the sight of staff putting beetroot onto their burger 'what is that? What is that?'..... 'it's beetroot'.....'what is beetroot?'..... (Tall one holds out a piece)'it's this'. Then Americans asking for 'a Fish Fill'lay sandwich please'.... 'do you mean fish n chips'.... 'I'm sorry what did you say'.....'Fish N chips'..... 'you don't have fish fill-lay sandwiches?'...... 'no we have fish n chips'..... 'what is fish and chips?'....'it's a piece of fish (points at the fish) with some of these chips (points at chips)'.....'you get Fries with Fish and Chips?'..... 'you get Chips with Fish'. Then they ask where they can find the 'utensils?'..... 'you mean 'cutlery?'. There is also a whole brand of ice-creams that Tall one had not heard of called 'Gay Times'. He was a little curious when Mother's would usher there children over to the counter and point downwards and say 'Can I get a Gay Time?'.