New Zealand South Island trip 1st April - 24th April 2011

Sunday 24th April 2011


A 3 hour flight, with Small one sat next to an old lady who kept having horrific coughing attacks, and then fell asleep with her head lolled back, mouth agape and strings of drool between the top and lower lips between the loud snores. At a few points she turned heads with her impressive death like coughing or snoring. Melbourne Airport at 8.00am Australia time and breezed through customs, no questions. Our bags happened to be the last off the plane though. Jumped on a Skybus to the City to which the driver did his over rehearsed jokes about ‘does anybody want to drive the bus or do you want me to?’.... ‘please take your bags with you, you can leave your money if you like....”. Get me off this bloody bus!!

Transfer from station to The Elephant Backpackers on Flinders Street, it was very cheap and central but as Tall and Small walked in they remembered why they were so happy to have left the shit pit back in August. With it’s weird staff, weirder residents, paper thin walls and partition walls which did not reach the ceiling, no power points, dirty signs everywhere aggressively threatening residents to do this and no do that... Had a great warm welcome back to Melbourne all round. After being up for over 27 hours straight couldnot check in at 9am was told to wait until 1pm, and was also told we could not store our bags unless we paid $7 per bag. So we staggered into the City with our bags to wait until 1pm. Sat in McDonalds hoping for free wifi, but they had no plugs. While ordering they stood in inch deep water which two McDonalds staff were emptying gallon buckets out onto the tiles and moping round, splashing it right up to Tall and Small’s feet as they stood aiting for their order from the pushy little Chinese girl behind the counter. Up to Bourke Street and a Big Issue seller was sat with a cat on a leash opposite a 70 year old man in a scruffy shirt, jeans and a karaoke machine singing gut wrenching 80’s love ballads with no music. Sat in Federation Square staring into space for an hour and then finally checked in at 12pm. Into the same twin room as in August 2010, laying trying to sleep listening to the all clear voices, conversations and whispers coming from behind each of the four walls in the room. Felt like being in a mental home with whispers crowding round from unseen corners. Welcome to Melbourne....

That night Small one went to the Celtic club to see a Celtic / Rangers match and met up with Corkman Pub regular Leo. Also there was Corkman Hostel previous resident, Mike who was so pissed his friends had more or less left him alone to stagger around talking rubbish. Meanwhile Tall one went to the Cinema to see Brighton Rock, which was a bit boring.

Saturday 23rd April 2011
Check out at 10am. Storing bags for day and booked bus for 10pm to the airport. Went and had breakfast at the same place as Thursday. Very sugary breakfast with a children’s smoothie which raised eyebrows in the kitchen for some reason? Back at Hostel to spend the day waiting to leave the country and fly back to Melbourne at 6.15am tomorrow. Day on the internet, laptops and reading... Ventured out in the afternoon and walked to the Avon river and ordered a small meal and a couple of beers from the riverside cafe by the Punts. Fed some ducks some cucumber, and then the cafe turned into a weird hospital drama (the hospital being just by the river as well). Suddenly paitents appeared in dressings gowns, in wheelchairs on drips.... then suddenly a doctor sat down on the table by us, you knew he was a doctor because he proudly wore his stethoscope?? It felt more like a sarcastic doctor/patient fancy dress party by the river.

Sat back in the hostel until 10pm listening to a very country tinker sounding Irish man impressing Japanese tourists by dressing up in a kilt. Caught bus to airport with an over chirpy Mauri woman driving and talking too much. Dropped us off at 10:30pm, our check in was not until 3.15am, and flight at 6.15am.... but at least we saved a nights rent???

Straight in the door we were accosted by an airport woman asking if we wanted somewhere to stay. We were cautious incase she threw us out, but she explained that nothing was open between midnight and 3am, and we had to stay out the way of the 1,000 arrivals coming between 10.30pm and midnight. She then left us alone and we looked around the airport which was very small and looked like a homeless shelter. People had draped sleeping bags, blankets everywhere. Each corner or wall space you found had some person huddled there on the floor. Finally settled just for a chair and sat dreary eyed staring into space until 3am when the rest of the check in area opened. Checked in and then had to wait another couple of hours until boarding. Walked on board like the living dead along with everyone else at 6.15am.

Friday 22nd April 2011

Up and had some awful garlic bread for breakfast. Rented out the Jailhouse bikes, which were actually Choppers with only one gear and front brakes. Cycled down the street and followed the spiralling little river and paths until got down to the main road and down to Ferrymead. At Ferrymead spied from across the bay the old Ferrymead House which tall one had made a bizarre documentary about the ‘eccentric’ man living alone there. The house had survived the earthquake, even though the turf around them had huge gaping, running cracks in. They spent ten minutes spying on ‘William’ with zoom camera lens as he sold flowers at his house. Cycled on down to Sumner on the main road. A lot of parts of the road were condensed down with cones and tape to filter traffic past a lot of fallen cliffs. At Sumner itself the iconic Shag Rock had fallen in half, leaving just a stump of what it used to be. Had a great roast after a long search for food. Cycled back using the direct main road, with very sore arses and stiff arms.

Had a bizarre e-mail back from the Super Tax Refunds agent about processing our refund. Conor had asked for an estimated refund amount as that would be a big help to know asap. His response was a bizarre story that he knows how important these things are to backpackers, as once he had this girl working for him in a restaurant and when she left she gave her a tub or spaghetti bolognaise when he dropped her at the bus stop so she had some food when she arrived at the next place. Then apparently she left it at the bus stop and phoned him crying about the spaghetti bolognaise..... I’m sorry what? Exactly who have I put in charge of my refund here?


Thursday 21st April 2011

Breakfast at an expensive but nice coffee shop. Started the long tax refund process online with the same company that screwed Tall One over back in October/November. Walked round to Botanical Gardens and went on a punt ride up the Avon River... a bit bizarre. CBD still closed off with army guards, moved back slightly on the back streets, but very little changed except a Burger King had been demolished. Have half been expecting to feel an aftershock as they had a 5.1 shake last Saturday followed by two more that weekend, but so far nothing. Brought some food in Pak n Save and bumped into Tall One’s old housemate Chris from 2008. He was still doing well, given up drum teaching and been getting a lot of gigs and awards with his jazz band. Back and cooked in the Jail and did nothing for rest of day.

Wednesday 20th April 2011

Very cloudy day at Kaikoura, could not see the mountains at all. Had an expensive breakfast next door and basically sat in the hostel sitting room all day complaining. Jill came back from her whale watching and explained how she’d spent the morning throwing up into a carrier bag. Brought some more fish n chips for lunch, which proved a little better than yesterdays. However, the new staff member was even slower than the last. When my food was ready she called out number 12! I stood there and said “yes”, to which she asked “are you number 12?”. I said yes, she then asked if I was sure? I looked around to see I was the only customer in the shop and remembered I was also infact the last person she had served.... “Just give me my chips”. Back to hostel and ate while watching some terrible reality tv shows. Caught bus at 4pm. Another hideous journey, only 2 and a half hours. Nowhere to sit except next to a big girl eating crisps and hugging a pillow. The driver insisted on having the heating on full blast, so under tight confinement dragged off the jacket and tops. Then noticed (along with the rest of the bus) that the driver was infact falling asleep at the wheel. His eyes were real puffy and half closed, and he kept just drooping his head and closing his eyes then jolting back up and yawning.... a few people went up and kept asking him to turn the heat off, but he never listened and slowly heated himself into oblivion. Thankfully made it to Christchurch in one piece, however because of the moved drop off point (as CBD still closed from earthquake damage) had to walk for about 45 long minutes with heavy bags to get to the Jailhouse Backpacker, getting lost in the park on the way and was given very pedantic directions from two middle aged women (then there’s a tyre shop, then there’s a bit of rubble, then there’s a tattoo shop, then some railroad tracks....). Checked into the Jailhouse, and it was literally a jailhouse. Converted old prison in Addington suburb. Bars still on windows, and dorm beds in the cells with large, heavy steel doors to bolt and unbolt to get in. Was quite an experience. The suburb was a bit rough so dodged past the drunks to get a dominos pizza and came back in hid in our cell.

Tuesday 19th April 2011

A bit of a lie on, then up and a long walk to the nearest supermarket. Weather was very nice. Walk round the very pebbley beach, with great views of the snow capped mountain range above the small highstreet. Then headed up the coast for a 3-4 (slow walking time) hour loop track round the peninsula. Stopped at a crayfish shed cafe for a crayfish fritter and a coffee. Then cut across the low tide rocky beach to the seal colony. Took us by suprise that suddenly someone called out to us “there’s a seal there”, to turned around and have a seal lion roaring at us from a few feet away. Everyone else cutting across the beach then seemed to be almost treading no them or find one lurching out a bush at them, they were just laid about everywhere round the footpath and car park like big brown slugs.

After the seal lions, walked up and around the high cliff top walk, some good rugged coastal scenary, and some views and photos from the exact same spots that tall one had seen when he’d past through in December 2008. Got back to the highstreet with red hot flushed faces from sun burn, but goosebumps from the cold evening setting in. Spent an hour online moaning to previous employers about un-paid super and un-sent payslips, before back to the hostel for takeaway food of pizza and some very fresh fish n chips. Tall one went to the same fish n chip shop he used back in 2008, but the place was now being run by a rather blunt, bored woman who when asked to recommend a nice, fresh fish responded by saying “there all fresh ain’t they”. Back to the hostel with the inadequate and disappointing fish (Vinegar was an extra $1??) to find that Jill (from Fox Glacier, Greymouth and Nelson) was continuing to stalk us back to our current hostel.

Monday 18th April 2011

Up early for the bus at 9.10am. Breakfast in the hostel kitchen, watching the very very strange family who ate there last night as well. Consisting of a single dad, two young teenage boys, a young boy and a young girl. The young boys come and lay the table with cutlery, very precisely. Then each goes about there strict instructions form the father to bring the plates, bring the saucepan... “go to the kitchen and bring me a knife, but say the woman ‘excuse me please’ to get to the draw”. Then the father dishes it all up, one plate and one knife is handed to each child and then one slice of toast, “if you don’t want to eat it you shouldn’t take so much as somebody else might want it”. A lovely strict, repressed family scene which I could easily imagine any of the children growing up into serial killers.

Bus journey for a couple of hours and then had to get off to change buses in Blenheim, but had to wait for 3 hours for the next bus. There was NOTHING in Blenheim, except a McDonalds where all the staff were very nervous, and families let their toddlers run around and into the public toilets bare foot.

Bus finally came and just another 2 hours on to Kaikoura. Fifteen minutes in the driver says he has to stop for a half an hour break at a petrol station, so another half hour waiting around. Finalyl made it to Kaikoura and checked into the Fish Tank hostel over decorated with marine animal paintings, but very friendly and clean place (with freezing cold rooms however).

Went out for dinner, and ate a cheap steak meal, followed by trying the one and only Irish pub for a Guinness or dessert. Walking in the place was completely empty, which was soon explained by the appearance of the barmaid.... who was Fran the dear “oh my God” friend from the Tauranga New Zealand days, with a face like a Rottweiler chewing on a bee. She’d been stuck working in Kaikoura for the last THREE winters.... didn’t stay to long and managed to stay the otherside of the street for the rest of the trip.
Sunday 17th April 2011

Day trip from Nelson to Abel Tasman national park, and the weather was actually pretty good. A dodgy McDonalds breakfast and then a 7.30am bus to Kaiteriteri, where the woman bus driver did this awkward, child like commentary which stopped and started for the hour trip, depending on if something popped into her head or not. Once in Abel Tasman took a boat trip to Medland Bay and had to walk the 4 hours down the coast to Anchorage Bay. It was a great walk, nice clear ocean water, sandy beaches, tropical forest and sun shining. At the end was picked up at Anchorage by the same bus and taken back to Kaiteriteri to wait for return bus to Nelson. The boat however could not dock all the way in due to tide changes, so everyone had to walk down a ramp that lead into the ocean and then wade in knee deep water to the beach. Tall and Small went first and then stood on beach and watched as children jumped in up to their armpits and came out in tears, old women thought they’d be clever and leave their shoes on and try and ‘jump’ to the beach.... which even tall and small could not do, but were happy to watch her try and fail miserably. Long wait for the bus and finally got on a long minibus of 8 people. The driver was a middle aged guy with a pony tail and sunglasses or started his own, slightly aggressive commentary all the way home, without ever realizing that the few rows behind him were all leant against the windows asleep, and the rows after that could not hear a word he was saying as he had no microphone. So an hours return journey watching a man speak to himself was mildly entertaining.

Back at Hostel and went out for pizza which ended up being either $10 for one large or $13 for 3 medium sized.... the guy who served us in Pizza Hut did the usual ‘where are you from?... what part?’ to small one, who said ‘Dublin’, to which the pizza cashier claimed ‘oh I own an expensive restaurant there’. He was actually quite insistent about this point, but failed to mention why the owner of an expensive restaurant in Dublin would be masquerading as a Pizza Hut cashier in Nelson, New Zealand?? Ate the pizza back at the hostel and was joined by Jill who had a new friend, a middle aged, vegetarian woman who was travelling alone on her UK redundancy money ''the same as Jill?? ('',) '' . A serial dinner, with Tall and Small eating Pizza followed by hot rice pudding and a chocolate egg of which the two women took a lot of disgust. After the laundry, bed by 8.30pm.

Saturday 16th April 2011

Very wet rainy day, all day... Had a breakfast out where the slow girl serving us managed to take our food to another table when she came out, and the other table didn’t mention anything. They also had wooden childrens puzzles on the tables. Headed down to South Street the oldest preserved street in NZ.... it looked like cheap timber, cheaply painted 6 months ago? Then the strange, modern art Cathedral with the eager pastor with posters for his choral show in half an hour and not a sole in the place. Back to hostel to read and eat jacket potatoes. Then by 5.30pm rain had stopped, walked up the botanical lookout which is supposedly the geographical centre of NZ. Had a lot of very confusing signs, or no signs but also lots paths that all seemed to go to the same point anyway. Had a great view of a lot of bad weather anyway....

Friday 15th April 2011
Went to checkout downstairs and nobody about at 9am, had to phone and wait for him to get back from food shopping. Hung around in library, Freedom recruitment who got Tall one data entry work back in July 2010, had still not paid his super. He sent a pissed off e-mail to which they got very snotty back and put him in bad form for the day. Then Jill, the lady travelling on her own on the Glacier Tour turned up in the library, said hello.

Got on bus an hour early at 12.15pm, after having an enormous breakfast. The driver did a few pickups, including Jill who was also going to Nelson and staying at the same YHA hostel as us. The bus was a very very small 30 seater, and very little leg room. It was a horrendous journey, not only as it was 7 hours long, but there was a fat ginger 10 year old girl vomiting two seats up, the bus was almost full and a German and USA backpacker spoke ENDLESSLEY for the 7 hours about all crap under the sun. From politics to how many does you can shoot compared to bucks.... and how the Chinese don’t like war.... sweet Jesus everyone wanted to murder them both.

After a brief and welcome sop at Pancake Rocks, we finally arrived under darkness at 7.10pm. Walked to hostel with Jill and checked in where an over enthusiastic Asian receptionist did her saleswoman speel about getting a YHA card. We asked if we brought one if we’d save the $3 extra we were paying for the current booking for being non-members, she said no e wouldn;t but she could give us $30 off the booking price?! Oh right. In the end it worked out either $217 to pay and not join, or $223 to pay and join? So we paid the extra few dollars each and became members to a hostel chain we are not using again.

Went out for pizza with Jill. A strange restaurant with enormous pizzas. When you go to leave by the same door you came in by, the exit door on the side of the restaurant is labelled ‘Rest Rooms’. So to leave you go through here to the landing where you can go down the stairs and out or choose one of two new doors on your right, one labelled ‘1’ and the other labelled ‘2’. The mystery was solved as when the doors were opened they were just toilets, but why numbered 1 and 2? Was one only for number 2s? Back to hostel by 9pm, another late night on the town with a middle aged woman.
Thursday 14th April 2011

Up and packed and showered by 8am, and out and brought breakfast. Expected the bus to Greymouth at 1.15pm, it wasn’t until we sat down and stared to eat at 8.40am that Tall one noticed the paperwork said 8.45am bus and that 1.15pm was tomorrows bus. Tall one ran down to the bus stop and grabbed the driver just as he was starting the engine and pulling away, said they’d mixed up the times and would he mind waiting 5 minutes for them, it was up to him. The driver said fine and he’d meet us outside the backpackers. 4 minutes later we were at the bus, it was only 8.49am. The driver went off on one how it was always the ‘naked bus lot which were always rude, rocking up at the last minute late, didn’t care and it was always the same with us people’. Tall one did point out to him that they hadn’t been rude to him at all, that is was a genuine mistake. He did however apologize at the coffee stop later on and said he shouldn’t have gone off on one like that.... Either way, what an arsehole.

Got into Greymouth for 1 night, even the Lonely Planet says there’s sod all to do here. Checked into Duke Backpackers where the Jewish lady gave us chocolates and the history of the building, it took another 15 minutes to be shown around, and her husband popped up with a child and told her to upgrade us for free to an ensuite private room. It was a pretty big place with the walls were all painted bright green, blue and yellow, and they gave away free 30 minutes online and free soup daily. When asked if they were busy, she said they had one double room full. The place did seem full of weirdos despite what she said. The free soup was like dirty water.

In the end after skipping breakfast, skipped dinner too and sat in bed watching CSI until falling asleep about 7.30pm, rock n’ roll lifestyle....

Wednesday 13th April 2011
Up for breakfast at 7.30am, then over to the Fox Glacier cafe and guided walk depot at 8am. Expensive food and a sparrow begging for food inside the carpeted cafe. 9.10am everyone called in to be checked in for the glacier full day walk. About 30 people, half off them young, dick head backpackers talking about how wasted they were. The guides stood and talked us through the day putting in their monotonous jokes that they do every single day. Were given plenty of warm clothes, boots and gear etc and bus down to the glacier. Split into 3 groups, and went with the slower, adult group at the back with the mellower guide who didn’t feel the need to reel off his rehearsed jokes.

In our group was a group of 4 american friends, 2 guys, 2 girls, the 2 guys spent the day throwing stones at every possible oppurtintiy, down into ravines, or even across the raoad when waiting for the bus. Then there was 2 parents from Manchester and their 19 year old son Mathew who they’d come out to travel with after he’d been through the Christchurch earthquake, finally other than Tall and Small there was a middle aged woman named Jill who seemed to be a very nice person. It was a really good day, weather was fine, the mountain tops had clouds hanging over them either side of the glacier. The glacier was clear and no rain until just before getting back on the bus. Did think however that with all the stopping and starting and detours it could have easily been condensed into a half day tour.

After the tour went for food in a bar, and the English family and English woman Jill all turned up and sat with us. Actually spent a couple of hours socializing (5 English and 1 irishman), and spent $74 on food and drink. Back in bed by 9pm.... a late night.

Tuesday 12th April 2011

Up and out by 8am waiting to catch bus at 8.50am to Fox Glacier down at Wanaka water front. Bus turned up early and we were gone by 8.45am. 4 and a half hour trip to Fox Glacier. The driver made 4 stops on the way, sight seeing stops and stops at cafes where he is obviously on a commission. Compared to the 8 hour Christchurch – Dunedin bus which made 1 stop only. The last stop was a salmon farm in the middle of nowhere which was a bit random.

Dropped off in Fox Glacier midday, actually quite a nice little street, and the backpacker lodge was very well set up, the best we’ve been in so far. Paid a lonely old man in an unsuccessful minibus service to take us to Lake Mathieson for the loop track that has great views of Mount Cook. Turned out the Mount got clouded over and had no view whatsoever of the Mountain, and it was just an adequate lake walk....

Back in town and tried out the spa tub at the back of the hostel. I was red hot, and got stewed along with an American couple who actually turned out to be not that annoying. Cooked dinner ourselves or pizza and chicken, cheese wraps followed by rice pudding. Kitchen was mad busy, and some annoying group had brought a toddler with them who seemed to be pissing everybody off. Bed by 8am watching the one tv channel they had, which was showing Gordon Ramsey’s Hell’s Kitchen on a tiny 14 inch tv suspended from the far ceiling corner.
Monday 11th April 2011

After spending the night in the Matterhorn South hostel it is actually quite a strange place. The bathrooms are completely made of wooden timber, and so when you’re sat on the toilet it feels like you’re sat inside a packing crate. The toilets, showers and bedroom are all so small and pokey hat you have to walk sideways to get about, and opening a window may cause somebody the otherside to lose an eye. Tall one made breakfast this morning, and on the counter were three large glass jars, the first two labelled coffee and tea, and the third un-labelled but had white sugar in it. Tall one spooned on the sugar as it seemed logical to have tea, coffee and sugar in a row, before he notice the jar was labelled the otherside and said ‘salt’. Who keeps salt in a jar with a spoon next to tea and coffee?? Then the cleaning started of the hostel between 10am and 1130am, where literally five people came in, one with a broom doing the ceilings, another moping toilets, another doing laundry, another doing the kitchen, the place is tiny but they had so many cleaners it made you dizzy.

Left to do the walk up the left side of Lake Wanaka this time. Stopped to buy a packed lunch in New World supermarket. Small one asked at the deli for one of their hot sausages, and when he asked what type of sausage it was, the Asian attendant said ‘ a bit of everything, they are not very good sausages...’. Sat and ate a sausage roll by the lake while a mallard duck with a golf ball sized tumour under it’s eye, which did not help their appetite. A 1-2 hour walk up the lake, which for no reason at all was exhausting, most of the time was spent dodging dog turds left on the path. The weather was overcast, but the scenery still good. Back for a large coffee and hot chocolate, and then an afternoon doing nothing in the weird hostel. Followed by a surprisingly nice $11 pasta at a hideous looking Asian takeout place, then back and in bed by 8pm as usual.

Sunday 10th April 2011

Up and out to catch bus to Wanaka at 8.50am. Had a McDonalds breakfast on the way and then met the English bus driver who was so nervous he barely managed to inform the whole bus where we were going that day. Short 2 hour journey to Wanaka. Checked in to a nice enough hostel and headed out for a lunch from New World supermarket. Walked up to Mt Iron and round the loop track which took a breathless hour, this time with water. Nice views over the lake, surrounding mountains and fields of low lying houses. Came down past puzzle world and back to town for a large coffee and a large beer before the 1 hour Eely point loop track round the side of the lake. Back to the supermarket to buy pre-baked potatoes and a pre-roasted chicken for dinner.

Saturday 9th April 2011

Lie in for a while, and finally up for lunch at a dodgy cafe. Expensive but disappointing jacket potato.... followed by an attempt to climb up Queenstown Hill walk. Tall one was exhausted, his legs buckled and was out of breath and that was even before they got to the start of the track, that was just walking up the steep residential hills. Got about halfway round the track very slowly, with no water, and made it to a look out where a small bird kept trying to land on them. Headed back down and fell asleep in the hostel at about 5pm, through to the next morning....

Friday 8th April 2011

Day trip to Milford Sound. Bus at 6.50am, but due to an email from naked bus found in spam folder, which stated bus pickup now at 7.30am, we weren’t sure which time to go for. So got there at 6.30am and sat eating subway served by some half asleep moron. Bus came and this rather brisk man asked who had booked though hotels, and let them all on first. Then who had booked via naked bus and bunged us on last. He only found one of our two bookings, but eventually let us both on anyway. The bus had a glass ceiling to help see more scenary, but ended up just giving everyone sun burn on top of their heads.

Bus left at 7.30am and did not arrive at Milford Sound until 1.30pm. Drove via the route Tall and Small had came in on yesterday, stopping for lots of toilet breaks as most of the bus was full of elderly people. One of which was a 65 year old woman taking her 85 year old father to Queenstown and Milford Sound before he died, they lived in the north island. He was pretty sharp still and still quite mobile. The driver then made lots of ‘quick 5 minute’ stops for photos, and one place we filled our water bottles out the stream, which he claimed was clean enough to drink as it flowed straight off the glaciers. Driver made lots of commentary filled with his over rehearsed, droll humour, such as we want you all taking advantage of the breaks to excerise your legs as we don’t want you getting off the bus at Milford Sound walking like a half open pocket knife.... ho ho ho... Nice scenery on the way through the fiordland, some snow topped mountains, large valleys and more public toilets... Small one had some german backpacker sticking her knees in the back of his chair all the way there however.

Milford Sound trip was also very good, 1 and half hour on large 3 tier boat. Out on the large lake through the huge cliffs and rock formations jutting out water. Clear blue skies that day, and a little sun burnt on top decks. The boat was then backed into a large waterfall where everyone on the open deck got drenched. Back on the bus, and only a 4 hour trip back this time, and very few toilet breaks. Tall one tried to go in the coach toilet but the bus was so unstable round the tight corners that he could not stand still long enough to go and gave up. The driver almost persuaded Tall and Small to take a helicopter flight for $300, but too much money. Got back to Queenstown and ate a Fergburger each before going to bed.
Thursday 7th April 2011

Up early to make sure we caught the bus to Queenstown. Had a Subway breakfast which was alright, followed by a long black in the hostel. Checked out and lugged our ruck sacks painfully the otherside of town where the bus was leaving from. Got there one hour early and waited in the visitor’s centre and watched in horror as the weirdos gradually arrived one by one waiting for the same bus. Thankful the Dunedin bus arrived with the same Mauri bus driver who brought us down a few days ago and he took a load of the weirdos back there. Our bus was a lot smaller, and the driver spent ten minutes explaining to some poor asian guy that he’d booked 7th march not 7th april. Some real rough, kiwi guy came and sat infront of us and stank as well as spoke a load of bollocks to everywhere nearby, so we made it clear we were moving to the back of the bus “for more leg room”. Finally the bus left and to our dismay headed back through town to pick up some backpacker waiting outside our hostel that we’d left an hour and a half ago.

When the driver stopped to pick someone up in a small town the rough kiwi guy showing everyone his arse crack as he got up and sat down left the bus to go and buy a lotto ticket... so everyone had to wait for him to get back. Then we stopped in a place called Mossburn where unexpectedly everyone had to get off the bus, half of us had to wait half an hour for another bus going to Queenstown and the other half to the bus to Te Anau. Apparently this was never a direct service anyway. Waited in the nearby cafe to have some food. Went to counter to order food from the little old lady with glasses. Small one asked “how much are you pies?” She nodded and gestured with her hands, said nothing and then found a menu and held it out to small one and pointed at the price.... Tall one presumed that because she did not merely tell him the price that she must be mute. Then small one asked her another question, “how big are the pies?”. This time she, again said nothing and thought a while until she held her hands in a cup shape showing him the size. She is definitely a mute thought Tall one. Until Tall one went to order his date scone and tea and she said back to him “$5.50 please”. Strange woman, must be the backward country town way.

Got into Queenstown via a long lakeside mountain range. Checked into the YHA Lakeside and found we were in a room over looking the lake. The reception staff were all really annoyingly over confident and enthusiastic. Went for a wonder round town, it was all very autumn with the trees very golden yellow and red. Headed up the expensive gondola after deciding against walking up. Declined having our photo taken for $20 sat in a Gondola before it had even left the ground, when we could take our own photo for free of us in the Gondola when there was actually some scenery behind us. Had one ride on the luge (run by a lot of Irish backpackers) and the ski lift before coming back down to eat an okay meal in the Speight’s restaurant. Unfortunately some idiot Aussie guy sat down next to us, half pissed at 4pm and started the slurred line of questioning “where you from?.... how long you been here?.... you here to ski and stuff?” okay, drink up, lt’s go. Quick walk round the Queenstown botanic gardens, watched the night set in across the mountain and lake view, played on the children’s playground and ten to bed.

Wednesday 6th April 2011

Trip to Stewart Island started with a long wet walk in the rain 7am, after spending a fortune on $4 coffees from a newsagent. Checked into Stewart Island Flights and given our itinerary for the day, land at 8.30am, boat trip at 9am to Ulva Island Bird Sanctuary, then back by 100pm for a bus tour at 2pm, fly out back to Invercargill at 5pm. Sat and waited to board the jet while the only other two passengers checked in and tried to smuggle gas canisters on board. The plane took off and was very bumpy. There were two pilots sat directly infront of tall and small. One had a very bad haircut, a straight cut at back, bottom of hair except for a huge tuft an extra 1cm longer? Small one did not like all the bumps in the air and clutched the pilots seat all the way there. It was a nice 20 minute flight over to the island.

Landed to find there was literally just one highstreet, one pub, one shop, one post office and that was it. Walked to the boat trip and was told by a very old, short man in gum boots that we had been changed to take our boat at 115pm, and should be doing the bus trip now. We had not been told but were allowed to go on the boat anyway. It was a very bumpy ride across the choppy water to Ulva island, the old man must have been in his 70’s. On board were Americans and Kiwis, all asking where you were from, and ooh your from Ireland, i have ancestors from there, which part? Got tot he island and walked around for three hours looking for birds, and not seeing a kiwi, though a quiet place with some nice beaches and a lot of bad weather. There was then an extremely rough trip back where the boat rocked violently side to side and new fellow travellers in their 60’s all asking what part Conor was from Ireland?

Stopped for lunch back in Oban, the one and only town/village on the island. Rained on again, and was soaked. Priced the cafe and then the hotel pub. The cafe wanted $15 for a jacket potato when they wee usually $8, and $12 for a milkshake when they were usually $5! Went to the hotel and avoided sitting with the Americans from the boat. Had the bar menu and even that they wanted $15 for a Panini roll with nothing else with it. Had a terrible steak, egg and chip sin the end for $22.50. The men’s toilet there was made completely out of wood, everything was boards of ply as if still under construction. The condom machine had written in big letters on the front ‘if empty speak to barman’ ‘if full speak to bar maid’ ‘for a refund insert baby here’.

Then it rained some more and sat in the post office waiting for the 2 0’clock bus tour. Barry took us out, a kiwi guy who had been to Ireland, what part? He was very friendly and it turned out to be just me and Small one on the tour... so we took this whole mini bus out but it was just the two of us and the guide all sat in the front. It was a strange experience just driving through the rain why the tour guide spoke to us about the island. How there’s only 300 residents, how theres no power until they put in a generator for the town which cost millions, and coasts every 80c a unit of electricity, compared to the 20c a unit on the mainland. Small one said he was scared of flying and asked if there had been any crashes, to which he pulled over and told us at great length and detail how 15 years a go a plane went down on the way back in the ocean, both engines cut out. Pilot crash landed brilliantly in the ocean and nobody was hurt, but the plane sunk very fast drowning two people. The others who got out with life jackets were not picked up for hours by the life guards and died of over exposure to the cold water. Nobody survived. Meanwhile the police had cleared the main highstreet of Bluff incase he crash landed there, even though he could have steered into one of the fields if he even made it that far. Anyway, the tour finished after an hour and a half with still another hour and a half to wait until the return flight. As it was pissing with rain and the pub was a rip off tall and small waited in the post office again, where small one fell asleep for an hour while tall one read old national geographic magazines. It was a nice trip, very different, small, friendly place compared to the rest of New Zealand... apparently a place where nobody locks there doors...

On the flight back there was only one pilot (the one who couldn’t even get a proper hair cut) and the ride was very bumpy and aggressive which he seemed to be doing on purpose. Back in Invercargill tall and small got thankfully to the ground and started to walk home in the pissing rain when a fellow passenger they had no spoken to asked if they wanted a lift. They accepted, how he took ages to find his parking ticket at the validating machine, then stumbled round the car park seemingly having forgot what his car looked like or where he’d parked it (the car park was smaller than a standard supermarkets car park), finally found the car and with the windscreen fully steamed up, he took another 5 minutes getting lost in the car park trying to find his way out. After an struggling through a short journey made long with awkward polite conversation were both dropped at the hostel. Brought some pasta from Hell’s Pizza takeaway, but decided to sit and eat it inside the building as they were showing old Tom and Jerry cartoons on a television. Tall one also tried the ‘dessert’ pizza which had chocolate, berries, banana and custard.... now he wants to vomit but he enjoyed Tom and Jerry.

Tuesday 5th April 2011

Day in Invercargill and a decent lie in followed by a decent breakfast at the hostel. Walked round town looking for a hat to keep us warm, and some cream for small one’s suspected piles. Walked round Queen’s Park with the lizard statue, watched a small ginger child kick mallard ducks into a pond, and then we asked directions how to get to the animal park from a very short old lady gardener who seemed to have painted her eyebrows on using her own blood and had a one legged duck standing by her feet. Walked round and looked at the deer and pigs, then tried to go up the famous water tower of Invercargill... it was only opened for 3 hours every weekend, so just looked at the front door. Walked back to the CBD in the rain and brought a money pouch for asia and then some noodles. Small one fell asleep after tall one closed off all doors and windows in the room and put the heater on full whack, and had a peaceful 2 hours... then a quick evening stroll to the airport by the estuary then back for Dominos pizza, a bowl of cereal and some lemsip.

Monday 4th April 2011
Checked out after the just as terrible free breakfast in the hostel. Stored bags and went exploring rest of Dunedin in the rain. Supposedly a Scottish descended town, but the only Scottish detail seemed to be the shit weather. Had a Burger King $5 meal in a depressing food court, brought post cards, walked down to the very dull, industrial harbour, then sat on the very slow free wireless in the library. The library that seemed to be surrounded by vomit, all the drunks most be attracted to the building at night like moths to a bulb, just to throw up on the footpath outside.

Took the bus to Invercargill, about three hours. A small bus with a Mauri family with two babies sat in front of us. On the journey past a lot of sheep and also a dead one being gnawed on by a black kitten. Dropped in Invercargill by the statue of a lizard and walked down the very grid like street layout to the hostel. Tuatara Backpacker Lodge was quite large, though had a very old lift with a sign telling people not to make any sudden movements when using it. One of the gents toilets did not lock and nor did the bedroom door. Other than that they did a great breakfast for $10 including a very good coffee. Went out to eat into the restaurant next door to the backpackers, had a lambs fry and a pie of the day, was very good food, sat by the fire. Though the waiters wore shorts, and we had to beat two old grannies to the best table by the fire place.

Sunday 3rd April 2011

Up and out hostel for the Naked Bus trip to Dunedin. 7 Hour trip, with the bus driver saying he was 6 people short when we left 5 minutes early. A dull and very cold journey, and a small break at a dingy cafe in Oamaru. Dundein railway station was nice but had a long walk around the circular shaped streets (and very steep streets) looking for the hostel. Checked in and was fine. Walked 3km down to Balwyn street, the world’s steepest street and most boring tourist attraction. Got to the top took a photo, had a drink of water, went back down. Tall one had three different people yell out of passing cars at him, and still did not understand why. It sounded like one of them called him Daniel? Stopped in he Bog Irish Pub for a nice $14 Pork Roast. Asked for a pot of Kilkenny, not realizing that that was an Aussie term for a small glass and it was called a 12oz here, the bar tender thought tall one was saying ‘pint’ like ‘pot’ with some strange accent. Small one sat in the irish pub and had a flat white.... times had changed. Back to hostel and had been managing to stick to the $40 NZ dollars a day buget for food. Had the terrible free coffee in the hostel kitchen and went to bed.
Saturday 2nd April 2011

Short flight to New Zealand that felt a long time. Babies crying when there ears popped and some pig behind us snorting up flem every ten minutes. Customs in New Zealand, Christchurch had this bizarre interrogation about where do you work, why are you coming back and are you bringing drugs into the country as you work in a pub that serves students..... Then she gave Tall one 6 months tourist visa and small one 3 months tourist visa, never asked for proof of funds. Waited for the hostel mini bus to pick us up, it was either freezing stood in the shade or sweltering hot stood in the sun. The idiot driving the mini bus was some work for accommodation English moron who would not stop with those innate questions like how long you here, where’d you come from, what part of England you from, what football you like? Thank you for asking but please leave us the fuck alone.

Checked into the very small hostel, where the door opened smack into anyone who was checking in to reception. Had a big burger dinner round the corner opposite the Carlton Hotel in rubble. The Mauri owner of the cafe told us how he’d pulled people out the rubble when the Earthquake happened in Feb 2011, only 6 weeks before. The whole of the CBD was closedoff with wire fences and cones, each road leading in had a blue army tent with 3-4 army lads playing cards or kicking a football around guarding it from looters. Even the outskirts were empty of people, and with the amount of devasted roads and houses you could freely walk past and the eerily deserted streets with only the occasional police or army car patrolling, it felt a lot like a war zone.

Tall one and Small walked up to Tall one’s old suburb, Linwood where he lived for 6 months on Hereford Street back in 2008. His house was still standing and chatted to the old drum teacher who was still there with his wrapped up legs. He seemed in good form, and had lost a lot of weight. Walked past Tall one’s old jobs of door to door sales and then Chubb Offices, both unfortunately still standing. Down to Pak n Save to buy lemsip for small one. It was a little strange going about such bland activities whilst next door a row of buildings was an absolute wreck. Walked back up the side of Hagley Park and had completed the full circuit around the quarantined area in a few hours. A brief glimpse down to the Cathedral Square where you could see the remains of the Cathedral. Said to be a good 5 years before repairs carried out, and some 128 houses to be knocked. Back to hostel for good enough nights sleep, clocks went back which was confusing, but woke up shattered even after having an extra hour in bed.

The end of Melbourne and our trip to Tas.

Wednesday 30th March – Saturday 2nd April 2011
Last few days at The Corkman… The bed bug girls came back and were nice enough to see Tall and Small off, which made small one teary eyed. The replacement hostel manager had still not been found so they got in ‘Eileen’ the little ugly troll like girl who worked bar and carried water in her armpits. She wasn’t as slow as Tall one thought during training, but then the next day someone responded to the gumtree advert and came in for training with Stacey and Tall One. She was an Aussie who’d lots of experience in hostels and seemed to be half normal at least. Gave her the job with a days notice to start and move in. Final Friday of The Corkman and small one was let off work at midday, Tall one had no check-ins or outs that Thursday or Friday, just got struck training two different people.

Small one came down at 6pm to meet Dublin John for a final drink in the bar and sat waiting at the bar, sat and had at least one drink before Stacey came over and asked if he was waiting for John. He said yes, and she pointed out that John had been sat drinking on his own the otherside of the pillar at the bar for the last half an hour. Kieran came in briefly on the Friday and gave Tall one his bonus without being prompted, after tall one had been preparing all of his arguments all week if he got nothing. Kieran also gave small one a small bonus to which he told Kieran he hadn’t asked for anything, and Kieran said that’s why he got it. Few drinks with some of the furniture, hostel residents and locals. Went to bed respectfully at 10pm as p at 430am to walk to railway station for skybus to airport. Alarm went off and walked down very asleep to the station, halfway down flagged a taxi, maybe we had not condensed the flat down into two bags that well? Bored at the airport and then away to New Zealand for 3 weeks….

Wednesday 9th March – Tuesday 29th March 2011

Well time really flys when you’re miserable…. Writing this now and just 3 days left at The Corkman.

Roof still ot fixed and no sign of the health inspectors shutting them down… Jens and Lutz gone and he place is a lot quieter. Paddy’s Day came and went, 890 people through the door and $20,000 made. Pete the bouncer dragging people out as well as Stacey dragging some girl out in a head lock as the bouncers looked on. Small and Stacey having harsh words between each other as she kept leaving all the work and long hours for him while she kept rocking up to work late and then speaking to him like shit, but later apologized and said she wanted the last week or so to go nicely between them. Small one did managed to get off at about 11pm for paddys night to have at least a few Guinness, after Stacey told him, right now you can piss off…. Had some real demented bar staff in that night, a youngish couple where the guy had big black glasses and tight black clothes on a round body, spent the time telling Kieran (the owner) off, correcting other staff, walking into Tall and Smalls flat upstairs without knocking…. But compared to his numskull girlfriend, this squat, sour faced beast who the new chef admitted was the first girl he wanted to punch out. She took 3 pint glasses of water to a table carrying one in each hand and one clasped in her armpit…. As she came out the bar the one in her ‘pit’ spilt all down her top and she looked wonderful when she arrived at the customers, and pulled that wet glass from out of her wet armpit for them…

Last 7 days have been a bit of a nightmare. The hostel manager replacement, Kelvin walked out as he was not being paid enough and Kieran refused to pay him for 6 hours training. The two new chefs have handed in their notice as they are not being paid enough. Everytime the phone goes in the pub it seems to be someone asking when a bill will be paid b Kieran. Little Tommy from the pub was being moved for good to the old people’s home that same week, and then the Bed Bug fiasco happened in the girls dorm….

Irish, cry-a lot Bev and Anwen had been finding a lot of bites Tall one’s day off in the female dorm. Stacey did nothing about it and could not see any bugs, this was also Paddys week so busy elsewhere. So nothing done at all, even though they claimed they’d phoned the rent a kill pest control and were told they weren’t coming as Kieran hadn’t paid there last bill? Week later the girls came out screaming and in tears, Anwens clothes covered with bed bug eggs and crawling with 0.5 to 1cm long bedbugs. 12 hour day due for Tall One. Cancelled any new check ins and gave refunds, got the rent a kill guy in to inspect who said $800 per room and the managers flat had to be done as there were dead ones in there. Kieran turned up and tore into the poor inspector that the price was a piss take and he’d been a great customer for 9 years…. Awkard moment. Spray guy was booked in for next morning. Tall one had to re-house the 5 girls which was a nightmare due to the City booked solid from the Aussie Grand Prix in Albert Park. The few dorms left were $50 a night! Phoned round and found a cancellaton and a whole female dorm free so booked girls in. Phoned all 5 girls. Gave them money for that night and said come back after 5pm next day. Also wash ALL of your clothes and bags before you go we will pay. Then washed all of the bedding and covers from dorm in launderette, new pillows brought, small and talls clothes all washed, sofa and bed thrown out due to dead bugs, even though they had never been bitten themselves. The rent a kill guy with no personality and a nervous laugh came and went in an hour and a half after us being told it was a 4 hour job. Girls gradually came back after 5pm, all in shitty moods, teary eyed. All moved out finally, next day was full of more washing to do, and then the girls came back. Had a cup of tea with them and that night 4am Bev was screaming, she had three large bed bugs on her. It all kicked off again. The girls must have brought them back as 9 gallions of stuff as sprayed in there. More hostels found for them, all laundry, bedding washed again, clothes all washed again. Girls moved out, this time told them a week (they won’t be coming back) big argument with them before they left to which they responded with snotty facebook comments when we were just doing our job. Mr Personailty pest control back in and sprayed and said no live bugs here, must have been the girls. Booked dorm out till Saturday after we have left so it is there problem now who they let in. Scottish Jennifer and Louise returned but turned down hostel manager job, and refused to move back in as there friends, Bev and such had told them all about it from the other hostel.

Anyway moving on. Some lighter stories include (before bedbug gate) on Jens’ last night the six of us ordered an Indian Curry to be delivered from the same place Small and Tall had waited for over an hour and walked out of. They said on the phone it came to $75, we said we made it $70, they said $5 delivery charge. We said the leaflet says free delivery within 3 km, they said you are outside of 3km. We googled it on google maps, it was less than 1km away. They still said no $5 delivery charge, even after it being less than 1km and us spending $70…. We told them to go fuck themselves. 40 Minutes later the doorbell went, Indian guy with stack of takeaway, we told him this was a different address andhe went away, probably to be fired.

Small and Tall went to Visit little Tom in his new home last Tuesday/Wednesday. Walked down to Richmond area. Little Tom was in the communal room having the newdpaper read to him and about 15 other old people. He seemed the most sharpest and mobile one of the lot. He remembered Conor and just about Mike. Took him for a walk to his room which was a bare as a hospital room. Then took him out for a pot of beer, via the very slow lift which had a woman with a zimmerframe slowly getting on to it, to which he helped her by dragging her on. At the pub round the corner he told us how it’s very noisy at night time and he got up to find the room next door wide open, tv on at 4am very loud and the old boy sound asleep, he just snuck in and turned the tv off and went back to bed. The room numbering is confusing it goes left to right 10 9 8 1 2 3 13 14 15 …. That can’t help anybody. He remembers the 4 digit pin code to get back in though, but could nto remember we were going to new Zealand just ten minutes after telling him. He said if he ever forgot the code to get back in he’d just have to put a brick through a window! Goodbye Tom. He seemed happy enough and well looked after, it was a bright, clean friendly place at least.

Tall one finally contacted a crazy woman living in suburban Australia to make one of his documentaries about. She’d been on the news as having divorced her husband as she wanted to sleep with a crocodile. Contacted via her webstie crocsncritters.com.au she kept postponing and postponing due to her shift work as a nurse. Finally got up there one Saturday and showed me round her 3 crocodiles, one on her bed on a leash and another 8 ft long in the garden which she made tall one stroke. The small one she said she had lost and spent ten minutes with a torch looking round the sitting room under books and even inside video cassette covers? Never found it. She lived in Rockbank, a real dustbowl suburb outside Melbourne. Had pythons, turtles, cockatoos, goanas, blue tongues and more. Wanted $300 for the visit to which tall one gave her $100. She also had Today Tonight show filming her that Thursday. When tall one got home he found the microphone had broke and no sound was recorded, it was all mute. Had to go back on the Tuesday and interview all again, she was fine with that though, gave her another $50 which she did not turn down. Edited it together and e-mailed her the link, and she said she really liked it, even the moment when she’s talking about how she thinks she has a psychic connection with her pet croc and then the phone went.

Anyway, that’s the last few weeks, just a few days left and wondering how much well get screwed over for holiday pay, super and bonuses…. Should be a fun week, and if any of the hostel crew are still talking to us after making the girls cry for being eaten by bed bugs, then may have a few drinks on our last Friday.
Wednesday 23rd February – Tuesday 8th March 2011

Fun fun fun at The Corkman. Can't wait to leave this house of hell. Had a week of war againgst everyone in the building. The hostel residents started to realize their drunken antics were watched on the secuirty tapes each night, so started coming home at 4am acting like arseholes, stripping off, sticking up their fingers, falling over hoping to watch it back the next day, someone even pissed in to the washing machine.... Had words with them all that it had got out of hand and hey seem to have calmed down. German chefs Lutz and Jens both leaving within the next week. Tall one has a tall weird aussie guy on trial for Hostel Manager role. Kieran said he's been made the same offer as Tall one, even though Tall one spoke to the new guy and found out he was offered $20 less?

Kieran is a nice guy, writes some nice songs which Small one has been playing in the pub, but as a business man is an absolute cunt of a man. Has everyone here on less than minimum wage, small one is the assistant bar manager and is getting paid less than general bar staff some how. Asking for a day in lieu for working the public holiday his response was 'it's not a public holiday for our business' as if he was exempt from Australian business legislation. The co-owner has been coming in having serious discussions with Kieran over how he's running the business into the ground and wants out. He is also 5 months behind paying everone's superannuation and owes everyone about $1,000. Still hasn't brought first aid kits since asked in January after the girl hit her head in hostel. Tall and Small sent an anonymous tip to the health and safety inspectors over the lack of first aid kits and the huge holes with leaking water round the pub, with exposed wires and slippery floors. One came in today apparently but Stacey has not mentioned anything about it.

If Kieran is bad then Stacey is even worse. Nice and smiley to your face, but spends her time undermining Kieran telling everyone about his personal problems, debts and how crooked he is. Even the new barman said after just 2 days he'd heard all about the owner and just didn't care. She puts every thing to blame on Kieran when money goes missing from tip jar, it was Kieran, if something can't be done it is because of Kieran, but yet asking Kieran direct he says its fine. She's clearly on the take, after finding how tip money has been going missing, and one minute she claims the pool guy came and emptied the pool machine (of which the pub get half) the next day infront of Kieran she claims the have never come. She has been runnign down small one to Kieran, as Kieran admitted to Small how he'd been told by her that Small one has a big mouth and tells everyone everyone elses wages, to which Small one told him how it's her with the big mouth and how everyone knows his personal details. Worst of all, a parcel arrived from Ireland from old barmaid Noreen. It was addressed to Stacey, Conor and Mike, and Stacey showed it to Tall one and opened it infront of him, read the note form Norren and showed him the Irish / UK chocolate bars she'd sent and the Irish teabags. That evening Tall went to show small the parcel only to find Stacey had taken everything for herself. She truly is a pethetic bitch. This blog is quite good therapy. 3 weeks to go this saturday....

Did at least go or a nice 18km walk to Studley Park in Melbourne, had a calipo icelolly, looked at some ducks and walked back. Tall one also walked down to the beach via Albert Park anda lot fo construction work, and then back again. Tall one got his hair shaved off at last, as the blonde dye was making his head bleed. Sat in the pub with his new shaved cut and nobody recognised him, kept walking past saying hello to Small one but not him…
Tuesday 8th – Tuesday 22nd February 2011
Still at the Corkman, counting down the days. Small one had to throw out an aborignal guy from the oub after he was drunkely swearing and getting abusive, apparentky he was with an equal rights group? When asked to leave he brandished a glass at Small one. Small one phoned the police, and the operator told him they could not understand his Irish accent and suggested he phoned back and hoped to get somebody else? By the time the police arrived he was long gone, and the police said they'd had several calls about him. When small one told the owner he had a go at hime for calling the police and said he should have called Pete the fat, tired security guard. The next day Small one caught a young student couple shagging in the gents toilets and threw them out. An elderly couple sat nearby looked disgusted, adn the old man said he must be getting old he hasn't been offered sex in a toilet.

Dutch Danny from the Taz trip turned up in the pub with his girlfriend, she left soon after the fly back home. He phoned small one at 10am with a emotional voice asking if he could come into the pub, small one said he was in bed and left it at that. Not seen him since. Tall one had warned small one not to make friends with people as this is what happens... Tall and Small also went to meet small Japanese Ai working in her coffee bar in David Jones store. It was a strange place with 1950's haircuts on everyone working, and the cafe setup like an old 50's kitchen. Had a coffee and Ai said about three words to us.

Tall one started to advertise for a replacement as Hostel Manager, 7 weeks early. Inundated with badly written cover letters using 'text' language? Found two good ones, and interveiwed them. An irish guy with a nice personality but seemed like she'd only stay a few months. Compared to a young aussie guy who could stay long term, had good experienc in hostels, but had the dullest personality going. Even had a monday meeting, with the roof caving in on everybody, and nobody's Superannuation paid sicne September, it was a fun meeting. Tall one went to A&E to get a pain in the centre of his chest looked at after having it for about 5 months. A&E suggested he tried the bulk billing clinic and they walked up to Brunswick to the address given. They expected a long wait when they saw about 20 people in the waiting room. Tall one went in and registrered, and sat down on a very very squeaky bench. Got his book out his back pocket to some mroe squeaking, opened the page and then his name was called. He went in to see the doctor, walking past all 20 people. Doctor tapped him on the chest while he took breaths a few times and told him he had inflamed cartlidge around the rib cage from lying on his side too much. Then he went home.... thrilling trip.

On the wednesday night small one stayed up till 3am drinking with big Lutz from the kitchen. On the thursday night there was a function by some snotty, fussy, complaining woman with OCD who spent hours setting and resetting tables, complaining they were all wrong. She complained to small one that she had drawn out a plan for the layout perfectly on paper, and small one replied that she could draw a submarine on a piece of paper, but that doesn't mean she'd fit a submarine in here. Small one then spent the night drinking at the bar with Dublin John. They had moved old Tommy into a home permantley now, and after a brief worrying spell where he seemed very very lost, he has now settled in. That was until one of the regulars made accusations at Kieran and John about how they were looking after him and who woul dget his $190,000 savings? They were not happy, Tommy only had $15,000 anyway. Small one rocked up to bed after 1am waking up Tall one again. Tall one heard him using the bathroom and the sound of liquid hitting tiles. He went in to see Small one propped againgst the wall and pissing straight on to the floor below the bathroom cabnit. Tall one 'corrected' him, and adjusted his aim int he right direction. The next morning Lutz said he saw Small one come up at 1am to bed, and saw him go out to use the hostel bathroom but went on to the fire escape instead. When he showed him where the bathroom was he found him later sat in the bin. Small does not remember too much, but his head hurts.

Another great weekend over 19th. Some Korean hostel resident snuck in his friend and they scoped out all the dorms at 1am, caught by one of the girls on their way into the female dorm. His friend then stayed the night in the 12 bed dorm and left at 7am, not sure where he slept as there were no beds free. Did not find out till after the Korean resident checked out and the girl backpacker said what happened, and we watched the cameras back. Four young skaters boys checked in, next day found out they were under 18, so was unsure whether to throw them out or not as part of a pub, left them in the en.d. Spent the monday interviewing more people. A big girl with bad teeth showed up, but was actually quite good, and had some great experience in Dublin working with hostel check in, security, cleaning etc she may not win a beauty contest, but she'd probably make a good hostel manager, so may be back next week. Stacey talking about 'going electronic' with the booking system for hostel, instead of wasting time on the paper booking diary. At last we are making progress, thought Tall one, and gthen she ended by saing 'of course we'd have to keep the paper diary AS WELL as a backup incase w ehad a power cut??? So to go electronic would cause MORE work not less. The french girl staying at the hostel had told tall one she liked the Where's Wally posters he'd put up, and said how she'd found him in the bathroom but he was a black man, and she'd found him in the kitchen but he was a woman? Tall one was not sure she'd quite grasped the who Wally was and why she was finding him. German Chef Jens staying in hostel has been plagued by some over weight Aussie bird who keeps turning p in his bed, and se's not very nice. Speaking to everyone with this weird arrogance trying to make jokes. Small one told her he couldn't serve her last night at 12pm that it was staff only so Jens could get a break from her.

Preparing for Paddy's day and talk of all the tables in the pub being put up in our flat and in the hostel. Not sure how that'll work, and they also admitted how their liquor license ran out last December. A pub crawl turned up today at 4pm, the students are back! News has been full of story of very bad earthquake in Christchurch New Zealand. Over 65 dead already, Cathedral spire collapsed, bodies being pulled out rumble. It seems every place Tall and Small book to go has a major disaster within the year of them arriving. With Bangkok riots last year and Iceland volcano or snow storms grounding flights in UK and Ireland, bombs at Moscow airport, civil war starting on Cambodia / Thailand border and now Earthquake in Christchurch..... Going to Christchurch in 6 weeks time, not sure what it'll be like then.

Sunday 6th – Monday 7th February 2011
Spent Sunday doing not too much really. Had the Lamb roast in Corkman and heard how the ceiling had caved in a few places in the storms. The co-owner Chris has seen the state of the place and had a huge row with Kieran syaing he was not going to pay the rent!!! Small one stayed drinking all day with Dublin John and heard about how little Tom was in a rest bite in a home, and was getting very bad with his memory. Tall one stayed upstairs reading and watching DVDs. The radio was not turned off again in hostel and at 11.30pm Tall one had no replies from his texts to Stacey and had no keys to get in to turn off until he started back on wednesday, so he cut the wires to the speakers so it would not be playing all night.

Monday walked to botanical gardnes for tea and scones. It had flooded badly as well so access was restricted. Kieran was in and in a better mood. Managed to do some laundry, and that's the excitement over for now. Small one started back on his evening shift, and Tall due back day after next to God knows what mess in the hostel.

Saturday 5th February 2011

Breakfast in hotel trying to get a decent coffee out of a spluttering machine, and trying to persudae the Asian waitress that we were still using that knife or that plate as she tried to clear tables by wrenching our dishes away. Spent morning looking in a gallery and eating Subway, then got on Greyhound home at 2pm. Another 9 hours. This drivers not such an arsehole. He did tell us however there had been severe storms in Melbourne and Railway Station flooded badly, he was not sure if we'd make it in. We drove through a lot of flooded roads, of which the drivers put his foot down and spayed water everywhere, instead of driving carefully.... we waited for him to flood engine or skid off road, knowing we never had luck with bus drivers... Made it to Melbourne via a stop at the leaky cafe again. It was Midnight before we got in the door to find the hostel radio had been left on all night.

Friday 4th February 2011

Day in Canberra a not boring. Forecast was rain, sky at 10am was overcast so just took umbrellas. An hour later sun came out and burnt us to a crisp. There seemed to be swarms of big ants everywhere in Canberra, and a shortage of footpaths. It was a bland City of hideously modern buildings. All made up of museums, and other big formal, official buildings and a lot fo monuments... that was all really. Stopped in an Aussie Bar and had food and suddenly thunder, lighting and tropical rain came down... Had seen the Parlimant house at least which was alright from the outside anyway, The Aborignal Tent Embassy was better, which was just some squatter sin tents and caravans with a dirty flag and petition.

Thursday 3rd February 2011

Up early to walk to Southern Cross again to catch bus to Canberra with Greyhound. Cheaper than flying and fed up with airport tranfsers, though was to take 9 hours each way. Driver was an arsehole making terrible jokes all the way, with his blotchy skinned legs and socks pulled up to his knees. Stopped halfway in Albury to have a break in a cafe which the ceiling was leaking into bukcets everywhere, even though it was not raining? The driver waited for tall and small to buy takeaway teas before telling them they were not allowed on the bus, so in the bin... About an hour away from Canberra the bus stopped, the driver was not happy with the door, it kept opening as he was driving. He waved down a car and got htem to lock the bus door from the outside and pass the keys in through window. The couple drove off and left us. Driver the tried to start bus, it would not go. So now 20 odd passengers locked inside a bus in 34 degree heat on side of motorway. He made bad jokes again, but small one told him that wasn';t good enough and he kept shut after that. Finally bus started somehow and got to Canberra 45 minutes late. At the depot he had to phone someone to come out and unlock door from outside. Checked in to Hotel, which was nice enough, very small room, and a lot of stuff not sure if it was free or not so tried not to touch anything.

Wednesday 2nd February 2011

News all day on tv was about the Cyclone Yasi which was set to destory Cairns, Townsville, and tropical north. We locked ourselves out the flat forgetting our keys when we went to post office Tall's Canada application. It was our own fault as we'd also hidden allt he spare keys for our flat in our room, so Stacey or Rohan could not go in. Now there was no spare set so had to wait for Gunnar to turn up with a ladder and go in through the window. Rohan had left a big mess, and seemed to have hostel paperwork eveyrwhere. Managed t avoid too much work related stuff as was not due back for another week. The doorbell for hostel went at 3am and some girl said she'd checked in but not given a key, we asked why she had gone out till 3am knwoing she could not get back in. Rohan had not given her a key supposedly as they had all broken??

Tuesday 1st February 2011

Spent borin day in hobart. Weather too bad to climb the Mt Wellington Lookout. Took Pascal to cinema to see True Grit where the cinema seemed to be full of men on crutches, and Pascal could not understand a word of dialouge in the movie. Everywhere seemed to close at 5pm that day, and nightmare to get food even then. Met the Russian girl who showed us her Melbourne photos. We saw she'd been to Sky Deck in Melbourne, then noticed it was on the same day as us, then managed to find our photos on oir old SD card and even found one picture of her in the background... bloody Russian spies she was on to us even before we had met on the tour. Caught the plane back in the evening. Plane was delayed hour and a half and so missed the prepaid Jet Bus transfer who said they'd not wait till after midight. Caught another skybus in to City and had to walk back at 2am, stopping to buy a pie from pieface shop, pointing out a cockroach to the cashier serving us which was sat in the pie display.

Monday 31st January 2011

As usual last day and Yank and Belgium wait for Travis to pack the trailer solid before they bring their bags out. It really was a very small trailer though which took 45 minutes to pack. The mini bus only bareley seemed to make it round the island, going 5mph up hills. Stopped at a Remarkable cave which was not so remarkable, other than a supposed formation in shape of Tasmania. But then a remarkable fast boat trip down to Tasman island. Saw some great cave and cliffs formations, seal colonies, seals jumping and playing in ater, big albatross sea birds, penguins and then wild bottle nosed dolphins, about 15 of them jumping, flipping and chasing the front fot he boat. The only downside was small one sat in a huge poncho to keep warm, kept farting, or was it Pascal??

On to Tasmanian Devil Conservation Park, at 2.30pm where Travois announced we'd be here a few hours just after telling Stewart and Joyce he'd get them to the airport before 4pm. The toilets were flooded, but the baby Tas devils where nice. He feeding an anticlimax where the ranger dropped food in one spot only so the 40 spectators could see nothing. Got to Hobart and everyone departed. Later all met up in an Irish Puib called Sydney Bar? Where they had a session going on and they had booked us a room to eat in. The room turned out to be a very quiet, formal board room with white boards everywhere, so went down to eat in bar. Small one ende dup buiying the boys shots, and Travis wanted to take everyone on clubbing. Small and Tall turned and ran away when they weren't lookin and went to bed after a low pressure shower.

Sunday 30th January 2011

Long wait for toilet in morning before heading down to Coles Bay to Climb Mt Amos to see Wineglass Bay. Not as hot as previous day, but nice enough. Stewart and Joyce the 60 year old Candians almost killed themselves climbing, they were exhausted but never wanted to admit it. Ending up with cut hands and legs from falling and struggling on the rocks so much. Forgot to take food along and so the 3 hour hike was a very hungry time. At the bottom Travis cooked everyone toasted sanshwiches of which Small one made too many. Belgium guy watched and did nothing. Then Tall, Dutch and Pascal had a cold swim in the water. Small was stuck on shore lsitening to the yank telling the girls how in his Asian trip they had all loved him and wanted him to marry their daugthers as he was so rich and reminded them of Budha cos of his gut?? Down to Port Arthur historic town, where again the showers were fought over, but this time were already dirty. View from dorm here was of a graveyard! Sat down for a nice BBQ dinner (tours last), Travis told us all a long story of how in 1996 a man had killed 35 people in this very small town. Going to a cafe with an elderly relative, then coming back to shoot the relative and customers, then going on to a shop, a coffee shop then a hotel. He was imprisoned but kept asking 'did I makie the record?'. Travis told us so we didn't have to ask questions of the local guides who all had family killed. During this whole speech the Jap Tanaka filmed it on his phone, but did not understand english so just was filiming for a joke the english girls eating their food ion close-up and kept turning the phone round to wave at himself, while in the background this massacre story continued. On to the Ghost Tour around the ruins at night. Tanaka came with us despite not knowing any english. The tour guide and the non-adventure tour tourists got a bit pissed off as the Jap kept running off from the group and waitig ahead of them for a good ten minutes or so in the dark in a bush and then would come out with his coat over his head going 'BOOOO!'. It was a strange tour, with two very very camp men who joined us, and Pascal and Small one always needing a piss and just going in the dark on the ruins.

Saturday 29th January 2011

Morning dropped off the young Candian girl travelling alone to catch the ferry, while a new 5 people joined the tour. Three english girls who kept to themselves. A very loud American giuy in 40's who kept going on about his stocks, and shares and how he could travel on his own finances for years to come. Lastly a Belgium guy who would nto stop talking crap, such as preusming tall one was from Scandinavia? And telling Small one how the irish spoke an ddi impressions?? It did not endeaur him to everyone, not with that lisp especially... In to Laucneston and the Cataract Gorge walk, although seemed to be a river not a gorge? The american asked Tall to take a photo of him and when he handed the camera back the yank did not say thanks just said 'did you get me in focus??'. Saw some peacocks there and hung around a lot for the Belgium guy who always seemed ot be last... probably as everyone else walked so fast to getaway form him. On to Legerwood where some old trees had been carved to look like Australian WWI vets, though they all looked like Japs?? Now over to East Coast to Bay of Fire, great beaches. White sand and turquoise waters. Avodied the Belgium guy who kept chasing ater people to make friends with. Nice orange ro cks there and some high surf. Brought beer and drank on bus again, stayed night in Bicheno where someone kept leaving front door wide open all night. Played some half tipsy ping pong with Pascal, Ginger Dutch guy Danny, Jap Tanaka. Tanaka was the worst. In the end we changed the game to who could smash the ball the hardest, then the Yank came in and sat there all condescneind watching, critiscing Tall one for saying 'bat' instead of 'paddle'.

Friday 28th January 2011

Cradle Mountain 6 Hour return hike... The morning was freezing, with mists lying voer lake and mount, and everyone wrapping up. By midday it was blue skies and scorching hot, in shorts with sun cream on. A tiring walk with the Canadian women swinging her hiking stick in Conor's face all the time. Dolorious, the Swiss girl marched miles ahead of everyone, only to keep taking the wrong track and be called back by Travis. Tall one's trainers fell apart too, but it was a great walk with a fantastic view. Then on to Sheffield where the old town had murial paintings over each building. Tall one brought new trainers which were the cheapest ins tock, but bright silver?! After dropping off the french and canadian at their motel the bus ran out of petrol and we waited embarrsed on the side of the road, until we all travelled on and ghot takeaways for the night.

Thursday 27th January 2011

Walk round harbour of Strahan in morning, noticed how the kayaking on the iterary had not happened. Lots of ducks about trying to get inside a bakery there as well. On to Ocean Beach where a half naked old Aussie man with a huge, matted white beard stroleld about. Henley Sand Dunes for a walk and then 50 minute quad bike tour. On to Montezuma Falls a 3 hour walk through forest and back. Near the end Tall one went round the corner to see the Candian women with her trousers and knickers round her ankle sin a bush and her husband also in there somewhere. Either they enjoyed exciting sex or needed a wee. Very impressive falls. Just had two leeches on the legs on way back, but was only time it rained as well. Back in van stories of leeches got Stewart (the canadian man) worried and paranoid, he whispered to his wife to check his arse when they got to the hotel. Then a small leech appeared sliming up the floor of the van, it had come off the ginger dutch lad. After Stewarts kind attempts to kill with a crisp packet and a cigeratte lighter small one stomped on it with his boot causing it to explode blood about 2 feet across the floor fo the van. Stewart jumped like a little girl, and was jumpy all the way to the hotel. Arrived at Cradle Mountain National Park where someone cooked onions and made all 17 people had sour eyes waiting in the kitchen, Tanaka took photos of everybody and numbered them along with their names on paper, it was a painful process. Had a well needed shower at 10:30pm only to see the two leech bites started to bleed again, 5 hours later! Couldn't wait to tell Stewat.

Wednesday 26th January 2011

Adventure Tours mini bus picked us up at 6am, only to drive round City for more pick ups for another hour, including back to our same pickup half an hour later. Then after all that stopped at their office for us all to get out and sign disclaimers... why not ask everyone to meet there?? The driver was an over laid back Aussie called Travis, with a pony tail. The bus had 17 traveller sot start with, from under 20's through to 60 year old couples... A wide spectrum of nationailities, from Canada, Russia, Holland, Sweden, Switzerland, Ireland, England, Italy, Japan, France, America, Belgium and Australia. Small and Tall sat at the back of the bus behind the 60 year old Canadian couple who turned out very nice, even having a few beers at on the bus with them. They had travelled everywhere and had lots of tips and stories from all over the world. Small one asked them if they had many beers in Canada, to which they listed some breweries, only to be corrected that he had actually said 'Bears'?? The Swiss guy named Pascal moved to sit with them at the back after another Swiss girl with crazy staring eyes and a very loud obnoxious voice kept talking to him. Pascal would not stop apologizing for her being from his country, even though he did not know her. There was a nice young Dutch couple who seemed to be breaking up throughout the trip and always seemed to be waiting to go into the toilet while Tall one was passing solids. The Japanese guy named 'Tanaka' could speak very little english, and stood for a good ten minutes trying to list english tennis players. Small one struggled with his name all week, only getting it correct at the end of the week. The small tiny, young Japanse girl had large teeth, and had a nervous giggly way of talking to everyone why she mysteriously rubbed her tummy with her hands. The mid aged Swedish couple were quite nice, but seemed to make bad jokes all the time and had expected better food and accomodation. The old, fat Bald French man travelling alone also seemed to complaine ach day about the iteranry being wrong, to which Travis kept waving it away saying it was shit mate. The Frenchman 'Michelle' chatted to Tall and Small about his travels, which went roughyl like this “on err Friday I was err in Bangkok.... Saturday I was in err, Bangkok, then err on Sunday I was in.... Bangkok. Monday.... Bangkok, then I am here for one week, then Tuesday next err week I o to Bangkok, then the wednesday I in Bangkok, then I fly home@. I think he likes Bangkok, can't think why? Then there was the Russian girl who told us she'd been abused in dorms by Asian men and then all about how shit Aeroflot was (who we fly with from Moscow) (the Canadaian couple also had horror stories abou them). The Italian girl wa svery quiet, the English girl, never knew her name but only her nickname she told us was 'Pod'??

Anyway, the tour... 3 days up West Coast, then 3 days down east coast. All 5 nights accom paid for, along with most dinners, lunches and breakfasts, for $750.00. Stopped in Mt Field National Park, saw the Tall Tree Walk, horsehoe falls and the impressivbe Russell Falls. Lunch by a river where some people awkwardly did not want to get involved with cooking or washup, mostly the likes of French and Swedish, while the Japanese man Tanaka we could not stop him doing all the work for the week. Lake St Clair was next where their was a wild Echida. Queenstown mining town which was pretty desolate in middle of mountains, but here brought beer. Then accomodaion in Strahan where all the ceilings up stairs were very low. In share with Psacal, Tanaka. Tanaka slept on floor not in bed?

Tuesday 25th January 2011

Waited for Jet Bus pickup at 6am, did not show until 6.30am after phone calls. He then got lost picking up other people, we were worried we'd miss our 8am flight. Not impressed with JetBus. Melbourne airport was not thrilling, was served very bad coffee. Flight to Hobart also un thrilling, Small one slept. Hobart airport very small. Another bus transfer to the City. Checked into cheap hostel, nice enough, but terrible showers. Walked round City, nice sandstone buildings, Battery area nice with Salamanca markets. Went to Irish Murphy's Pub, and moved tabel our times after each table being either to wobbly, too near an ash tray, too hot or too cold... Then Tall one wanted a haircut and they found a cheap place for $20, with two seats only an old man with a Rolf Harris haircut, an Aussia drawl called Colin. It turned out he was a lunatic. All Tall one asked for was a trim on sides, the guy went mental with scissors, snip snip snip all jagged severe adges, no effort to get things in line or to layer, blend any hair. Half way through he said how's it looking? Tall one said 'it's interesting'. He thought the old man was on a win up. It became a little more respectable towards the end, but with a straight ish he-man fringe and a jagged odd lengthed sides, it was the worst haircut of his life. He had entertained the old man though who would not stop talking about how this was the first time he'd cut hair, and how Fez's were banned in parts of Morrocco??

Then a long walk looking for some hair dye to try and salvage Tall one's ravaged hair. Asking directions for a Woolworths supermarket in a newsagent, Small one got the reply 'Yes, still or sparkling?'. He said again, 'where is woolworths?', 'Yes we have still or sparkling'. Another person who struggled with accents. At night time the City shuts down, nothing open, nightmare to find food. Only place open was another convenient store who sold sandwiches and the young lad behind the counter on night shift played club music really loud while old men brought newspapers.

Sun 23rd – Monday 24th January 2011

Tall one's last working day for 2 weeks on sunday. Got Rohan back in to show more things for an hour, although most of that hour was him talking. Monday day off, bit of drinking, Sky Deck Eureka 88 Tower in evening. Went around sunset, highest view point in southern hemipshere, blur blur blur. Was nice lookout, did not pay for the expensive 'cube' experience?? Could not quite see The Corkman from their either.

Still in Melbourne....

Friday 7th January 2011 – Sat 22nd January 2011

Well, not having much fun at The Corkman. Stacey the general manager finally came back and reliveved small one of his 72 hour weeks which he only gets paid for 45. Sat for 5 hours with her in the bar going through everything that has and has not happened. Including the bonus tall one was promised by the owner and has not been mentioned. When he approached him about it he said he was just about to bring it up himself, after pre-emptying tall one asking for the last few weeks by droning on about the business' debt.

Still sorting canada visas, moscow visas. Vietnam one came back in 2 days. Moscow one has a weird delay as tall one filled in wrong form. They need to know a lot more if you are UK or USA. Strange Russian woman phone call told him which form, he e-mailed it only to be told wrong one need double one? E-mailed back, but it is a 2 page form and it is the exact same form you told me to do?? Still nothing, so filled in again and re-e-mailed three times and posted... bloody ruskies... not worth the hassle for two poxy nights in moscow. Canada visa's opened 18th January, took small on 12 hours to fill out application, getting parents date of births, letters from banks, irish and aussie police certs, copy of cv, copy of passport, passport photos, copy of aus working visa.... sent it for $45 to Paris, as obviously being Irish, living in Australia, applying for a Canadian visa he must send the application to France?? Then he realzied he'd fille din something wrong and was not sure if they'd just decline it. They may be better than the russians at least??

Went to see 2001 at the Astor theatre. Small one sat through very very long sequences of models put to classical music and fell asleep, waking up to find he'd missed nothing at all. Also went to the Chill On Ice Bar in the week. A bar which is basically just a walk in freezer with a couple of ice sculptures, and a small bar. Cost $30 for the coats and gloves and a cocktail with a shot. Drunk through ice made glasses, they were quit enice drinks, but after 10 minutes they left as could see no point waiting the full 30 minutes in a fridge. They were in shorts as well which did not help, and then the girl took half an hour to print off their out of focus photo for $15.

Some excitement in the hostel, which has been non stop busy, with people phoning and e-mailing the pub and hostel 5-6 times a day. An english girl arrived and was throwing up violently all day. The next mornign she felt better and at 8am was on the PC outside reception. She got up to leave and walked smakc into the door post. Fell on her back dazed by reception. Tall one and the whiney German girl went to her, and she staretd bleeding from her eyebrow badly. There was no first aid kit of course.... She felt better and went to hospital. Thankfuly she had food poisoning but not from the pub. It was fun watching the secuirty video back at least. Now preparing for tall and small's 2 week vacation to Tasmania and Canberra, in a few days time. The owner and Stacey have sorted no cover at all. Rohan is supposed to be doing hostel, but can't even cover it properly on tall one's two usual days off a week without chatting to guests for half an hour and missing hte door bell. Stacey also came out with if she or Rohan needed ot stay over, of course they'd need to use OUR flat?? Tall one pointed out that he does pay for that and has tenants rights to know hwo is going in it and when. Spent the day trying to find all the spare keys and hide them. Still, owner is in today, and sure he will not agree to that, there is nor eason why anyone should need to sleep in OUR bed??

Later on the friday took all day for Kieran to give Tall one his bonus and even a small one for Small one. Both were shocked that it actually happened. Rohan had training for the hostel, but after so many screw ups this week covering for tall one's days off, not sure how he'll cope 7 days a week for 2 weeks... Stacey, Conor and Kieran all chewed him out of it, he must be terrified form the pressure having been told if you screw this up your gone. Two poot swedish lads turned up at 1am wanting to check in after reception closes at 11pm. Small one felt sorry for them sat on the street there and checked them in anyway as they were almost in tears. Whilst small one working behind the bar had a shock when Irish runner Sonia O'Sullivan came in. He let her pour her own Guinness behind the bar and got a photo with her. Holiday next week....!??

Thursday 30th December 2010 - Thursday 6th January 2011



New check ins at The Corkman for New Years Eve. Most of the weirdos here for the Ashes had left...

A little fella from Brussells turned up called either Agent Laurent or Laurent Agent... He'd been e-mailing 6-7 times for the last month about absoloutley nothing, even the day he was due to turn up he e-mailed and said "i'll be there in 40 minutes". He turned up very small with glasses and with a 1kg box of chocolates to give Tall one, only to find it was his day off and had to give them to Small one. Small one's friend Louise also showed up. New Years Eve was downstairs in the Pub. After telling the hostel crowds that they can't bring their own, the German couple who broke their bed asked if they could bring their wine. Small one said yes as long as it's just you.... so they turned up with four friends who all brought their own drink. Small one ordered $100 worth of pizza for everyone and asked for $5 each, he ended up paying $50 himself as most people didn't bother paying. Though they were pleased with the Jingle Cats music being played, which was Christmas and New Year songs sung by cats.... Irish Ian was now behind over a week in rent and after a very sociable Christmas Party with him he sulked and did not speak to Tall or Small for days. Finalyl he was told pay up or move out friend or no friend rather than avoiding now 2 weeks rent. So finalyl turned up with his mothers credit card details to pay... New Years turned out to be 40 degrees, and walked down to Federations quare to watch the firworks over the Yarra River and the ones released from the tops of the sky scrapers. It was packed with people walking very very slowly shoulder to shoulder. Police struggled to move people off the bridge which had signs saying no stopping on the bridge. After 5 minutes they just gave up trying.

On the sunday went to see The Good the Bad and The Ugly at the Astor Theatre with Liam and his girlfriend. On the tram down a strange man in a hawian shirt and a huge sombereo got on, we were convined that's where he was going to, but he got off well before. Stopped on Lygon Street for a Curry at an Indian Restaurant a few days later. Small and Tall were the only other customers after one table inside. They sat their for 15 minutes till they got their beer, after another half an hour they got free pomadoms, by now the place was full and people were being told it was an hours wait on food. Then it became an hour after they had ordered themselves, even though they had been the second table there... So they walked out. The staff were bemused why they were upset. Stopped at the dvd rental place were renting the movie 'Chaplin' they put the wrong DVD disc inside, and at the flat Tall one opened it to see 'Poirot'. He took it back and suggested that perhaps the cashier got confused when they saw two men with small moustaches. Amongst other things, with Small one running pub on his own and the hostel on his day off, they have been trying to sort out visas for Moscow, Vietnam and Canada, as wlel as book flights and buses for Tasmania and Canberra, trying to plan trip round Laos, Cambodia and Thailand and their time in London and Dublin. Eight countries to plan for is quite tiring, plus they never took that insane bus driver to court.

Monday 20th - Wednesday 29th December 2010

Christmas Dinner at the hostel turned out alright. Thirty guests paid their $20 each and tall and small traisped down to Aldi several times to get supplies. Christmas Day morning cooked 70 bits of chicken, 40 burgers, 40 sausages, 24 pies, 24 sausage rolls, 5kg of chips, 30 pizza slices, cheese and crackers, 40 bits of christmas cake, 40 mince pies, pretzels and crisps, two bowls of salad, four vegetable lasagne, 40 garlic bread slices, 72 bottles of VB Beer and a christmas cracker each. Turned out an overcast but warm day in the park, which was deserted. A good crowd and only about a quarter of the food was eaten, the rest went to the flies. Small one spent the afternoon putting a variety of small instruments up his nose, from cheesy balls, to mini santas, to small clapping hands from the crackers... whole Lutz from the kitchen, and hostel resident/casual barman Ian dressed up as super heros using paper serviettes, make shift eye holes in their paper hats and some ketchup. At one point it looked like a tramp would join them but he moved on. Had spent the Christmas Eve night before in the pub where Small One gave the regulars and a group of 5 irish boys here for the Cricket / Ashes two crates of VB and some pizzas to eat. So a pretty good Christmas. Pub was open for limited hours by the monday, but nobody turned up except the furniture at the bar, Max, Dublin John, Keith and little Tommy. Keiran made an appearnac eot grab the money and run again not stopping to make any chit chat or even give us a christmas card. Stacey was long gone in Ireland, and was expected back in 2-3 weeks. Small and Tall did their best tpo ignroe the Ashes and some of the annoying enw residents who kept talking about it. The weather turne dout very ncie all week at 25-30 degrees for a change. Went to the old Astor Cinema near St Kilda to see a double bill of silent movies, Chaplins Modern Times and Buster Keaton's The General. Small one was not too sure it was for him, but glad he had gone. Except for the weird middle aged man who sat behind them and said to his friend it was a good job he was not sat at the front as he'll be laughing so hard he'll no doubt fall over the edge??! Tall and Small moved seats, but it wasn';t far enough. All through the movie the man laughed like an ass at the most random of sequences ont he screen, which were not even meant as jokes. Well that's that. Other than Tall one having to keep a group of 4 girl's key deposits as they snuck in some random bloke to sleep for free in their room all night. Trying to sneak past reception at 8.15am they did not realize Tall one was sat there watching it all on his CCTV screen. So charged them for one night's accomodation out their key deposit.

Tuesday 7th December - Sunday 19th December 2010

A very very strange week full of nothing but complaints and complaining....

Starting with a responce form the SuperTaxRefund company, who Tall one had e-mailed all 30-40 other hostels around Melbourne using the hostel e-mail ring they are part of, and had warned them about the company and stated what had happened. The rep for SuperTaxRefunds had said he'd gone around all the hostels the last week to find all the manager's had torn down his posters and told him they'd heard bad things about him. He phoned up small one (Not tall one) and said he'd come in to apologise to tall one with a present. He turned up with a bottle of champagne and some shortbread. He told us about the responce of the other hostels and said how he'd got a full time job from Dirk out of this, to sort out their damaged rep. He confirmed Dirk was lazy and did nothing for my refund and apologised more sincerely than Dirk had. It was a bizarre apology which included him awkwardly talking about his Grandfather working as a spy in the war and about how he use to sell surf boards on the sunshine coast??? Right.

On the tuesday day off it was due nice weather so tall and small headed down to Mornington Peninsula for the day, it was an hour on a train and then a bus journey. On their way out they bumped into the perverse cleaner with the boys haircut, who was in tears saying she was leaving as Kieran is not paying her bills... Oh right sorry, we have a train to catch. Caught the train down to Frankston and then waited for the bus to Portsea, but was assaulted by this big, shaven headed, moustache aussie thug of a bus driver. This was the complaint letter written that evening:

To Whom it May Concern,

I wish to make a complaint about one of your drivers after an incident today in which myself and a friend were threatened and treated extremely inappropriately.

This took place in Frankston (14th Dec 2010), involving the driver of the 10:55am Bus on Route 788 to Portsea. The bus number was 484 and the drivers name was 'Davee'.

The bus arrived ten minutes early and my friend and I got on to the bus as the front doors were opened. We swiped our metcards and as we were walking on the driver was barking quite loudly the word "OFF! OFF! OFF! OFF! OFF!" Neither my friend or I could see who he was directing this at or why and continued to walk onto the bus. To which the driver aggressively grabbed hold of the back of my friends top and pulled him back to the door and said very loudly "GET OfF THE BUS!". My friend complained that the driver should keep his hands off of him and had no right to touch anybody as it was assault. The driver kept repeating GET OFF THE BUS GET OFF THE BUS. Two other passengers getting on behind us looked as bewildered as us. We got off the bus and sat down on the step outside the station. The driver got off the bus and locked the bus up to go and get some food. Before he went off he marched over to us and stood with his face right up to ours and said very aggressively "That was not assault mate, if I wanted to assault you i'd have fucking hit you in the face".... We said he should not being grabbing hold of anybody on the bus, to which he said we should not have got on the bus until everybody had got off. At the time there were a few people left on the bus who were exiting through the middle door anyway. He then told us we were not getting on his fucking bus, to which we said we did not want to anymore. Later he came back and sat in the drivers seat and kept staring at us aggressively until the bus left. The other two passengers who had over heard the whole thing were as shocked as we were saying that he clearly wasn't having a very good day.

Neither myself or my friend are school kids, we are 29 and 28 years old and were down to the coast for a day trip. He completely upset our whole day, leaving us both quite shaken. How a man like this with so little people skills and such a short fuse is aloud to work with the public I do not know. If he had not wanted us to get on the bus all he had to say was "guys don't get on the bus yet....", not "OFF OFF OFF??" and start grabbing clothing and making threats. The manner in which he behave and spoke to us we really felt like he was ready to take a swing at us, and so changed our plans for the day to avoid any return bus which may have him driving.

We noticed later how some of the buses had security cameras and audio recording by the driver (and also outside the station where we sat), I hope that this bus had these devices so that somebody at Grenda can view this man's actions which are completely inappropriate.

We would like to receive an update on what action will be taken against this man, as presently we are considering reporting the incident to the police.

If you require any further information, please do not hesitate to contact us.

The inccident did ruin the supposed relaxing day at the beach and we just went to Mornington itself instead of Portsea so we wouldn't find ourselves facing the same driver on a return bus. Mornington was very nice. The water was crystal clear and turqoise like up in Coral Bay and Whitsundays, much much ncier than the St Kilda and Brighton Beaches. Had an enormous chicken meal in town and then an enormous pancake meal on the jetty. Did not swim and then came back on the train to write the complaint letter. On the return bus to Frankston THAT bus driver went mental as well, at least not with us. A car cut him up to cut across to the next lane. The bus driver then slowed the bus right down to drive alongside the car to shout and stare abuse at him despite the fact our lane was clear ahead. Must be something in the water down here that all the bus drivers drink?

That same Tuesday night sat downstairs in pub and ate our meal. The pub quiz was dead, so did not join in, but got every one of the James Bond theme tunes he played, not sure if I was proud or not? One of the furniture Margie was there who would NOT shut up talking. Tall, Small and Stacey all left early because of the rubbish she spoke about her theories on this and that in that droll, condescending voice. She said she'd lend tall one sopme magazines which he didn't want and also some James Bond books? Which of course she confirmed 'I would want them back of course'.... Sure enought he next day she turned up with a bag of car magazines and Diamonds are Forever??

The week went on and not sure what was happening with this staff night out on Saturday which everyone had boycotted the night out in the pub cooking and serving ourselves and Kieran's family? To which he wasn't oo happy about. Th ebus company responded very coldly to our complaint that they had reviewed and saved the footage and the driver did act inappropriatley which they apologize for, however there were some contributing factors like us claiming it was assault and how we refused his legatimate request to leave the bus. To which we responded, firstly how was us claiming assault a contributing factor when we only claimed it after the assault, and also pointed out that despite the drivers claim that assault was a hit in the face that assualt was any means of intimidation by force. We also pointed out there was no reason for us to refuse a request to leave the bus, and that the driver had not made a coherent request for us to leave... They said we could take it further with an obudsman or the police, and that we could not get a copy of the footage ourselves or know what legal action was taken with the driver,

The staff do came around on the saturday. Had decided to just og up Brunswick street. Small, Tall and Ian & Jack from the Hostel went up to the Drunken Poet at 3pm for a few drinks first, but everyone just ended up staying there. They were looking forward to barmaid Erin coming but found out she was bringing her boyfriend. They thought they would be able to compete easily and then she turned up with this ridicously stunning, surfer looking guy, who even Ian and Jack said "was better looking than Erin" and he got more attentiion from the guys than her that night, the poor bastard, it was all very bizarre. Stacey turned up and she and Small one had an argument in front of everyone about how he passes on all this confidential stuff she tells him, about how they are stringing the other staff along... she looked like she was ready to cry. Then more or less was accused of keeping some of the money Kieran gave her and the tip money for herself when she said th ebar tab was finished. She disappeared for an hour and we thought she had gone home sulking, but hten she turned up with 13 boxes of pizzas?? It was all very bizarre and awkward. Never the less she turned up monday mornignf or work all perky and chatty as if nothing had happened. Still it'll be Christmas soon. Missing a white christmas back in the UK and Ireland. Half the people in the hostel might be stuck here as the airports are closed...